Hidden in a Whisper

Anneong Haseyo! 안녕하세요

2012-02-07T11:50:00.002-05:00

안녕하세요!

You know what? I think sometimes I forget that I have a blog. ;)

My Korean language study is coming along well. So far I have memorized some key vocabulary, know how to count in sino-korean numbers and some pure korean numbers, know past and present tense, have some basic understanding of particles, know many korean foods and can carry on a short, polite conversation. I can even say "Jesus loves you!" My writing can use some work, but I'm not too concerned about that right now.

I've been learning the language in little bits the past 2 months. Time to step it up. My sis and I will begin our TEFL course in the next week or so as well.

As far as the whole EPIK process goes, I am in stage 1. I have applied to a recruiter. My sister has gotten an email saying that they have receive her app. I have not. I'm trying not to be worried, but...did they get it? I applied 10 mins before my sister did. Should I just assume that they're really busy and will email me eventually, or did they not receive it? If all else fails, when they talk to my sister for an interview, she can ask them.

I have all these worries about Korea, probably because I'm excited about going now. When God first showed me that he wanted me to go there, I was a little reluctant. It's not that I don't like Korea, it's just that I have been trying to go back to New Zealand for the past 4 years. God has never said don't ever go back to NZ, just wait. Now it seems that he was preparing me to go to Korea first. Since the New Year God has really been working on my heart, dispelling my fears and getting me excited about Korea. Now I'm scared that I won't be able to go. Where is my faith?

Any number of endless deterrents keep coming up from the enemy and it really makes me wonder what God has in store for me in Korea. If Satan is working so hard to discourage me and keep me in fear and doubt, there must be something big that God is preparing me for. The enemy is very real and very active. If you knew of all of the things that have been going on since God prompted me to teach in Korea, you would be amazed. The funniest thing about it is that it works like a cycle. If one thing doesn't work, Satan come at me with another. And when that fails he tries another tactic, or goes back to the first tactic. God, in his mercy, has been pointing me to scripture that directly combats each and every one of Satans' lies each day and I am so thankful for that.

Well, I should probably go study some more. I'll leave you with a k-pop video.

Cheers!

2011 in pictures

2012-01-04T19:38:00.002-05:00

Because sometimes it's better to review the past year with pictures! Happy New Year!

JANUARY

WinterJam concert

FEBRUARY

Learned how to Crochet

MARCH

Visited Nephew Alex in S. Carolina

APRIL

Easter Art for Reflections of the Cross

Jesus and the two theives on the cross

MAY

Asian Fesival & a month of goodbyes to many friends from church

JUNE

Urban Garden - and City Fresh

JULY

1 Month in S. Carolina to spend time with Alex and new twin nephews

AUGUST

Watched downtown Cleveland transform into a battle scene for The Avengers movie.

SEPTEMBER

My birthday and picking apples and grapes. We've made some really good jelly and apple pies ;)

OCTOBER

Went to see Group 1 Crew in concert and have a good chat with them.

NOVEMBER

Drove to S. Carolina to spend time with nephews and family again and celebrate Halloween and Daylight Savings ending with them. ;)

DECEMBER

Saw my girl Beckah Shae in concert and prayed with her with my sis about moving to S. Korea.

The EPIK process

2011-12-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

I won't lie. I'm not looking forward to the whole EPIK application process to work in Korea. Background checks, recommendation letters, resumes, transcripts, notarized and apostilled blah blah blah. No to mention applying for Korvia Consulting, and filling out the application, and having various interviews. Oh and did I mention that I'm going to start online courses soon to get TEFL/TESOL certification. I'm also learning Korean on talktomeinkorean.com.

It truly is an EPIC undertaking. The bright side of things is that my sister is going too, so we get to struggle through all this together.

Busy Busy!

Here's a picture of the city that we want to live in: Daejeon

Babies and Travel Plans

2011-12-02T17:32:00.001-05:00

Woah! I have not written on this blog in months! Shame on me. As usual it just means that life got too busy.

Here's a quick update and maybe I'll go into detail when I have the time later!

1) Went to visit my nephews again! They are getting so big!!! If you ask Alex how old he is, he says "I'm 4 1/2 and I play soccer." While I was down there with my sister, I got to watch him play soccer. I'll use the word 'play' lightly since he was whining and crying during most of it because he got hit in the head with a ball. Yes, he is a big baby, but he'll grow out of it soon...I hope. Nathan and Quinten, or as I affectionately call them, NaDaddy and Quinni the pooh, are doing well. They're so much bigger and full of energy and giggles. Quinni still has a few struggles because of the scar tissue on his esophagus, but he's doing well. He also has to where a helmet some times to round out his head. It's hard for a baby who was in the NICU for almost a month. NaDaddy loved to jump on his little bouncy seat and has sooooo much hair! He really looks like a porcelain doll of a hobbit! They are all cute!

Alex

NaDaddy

Quinni the Pooh - or Megaman cause of the helmet

2) I also got to spend some time watching my other nephew, Julius and he even spent the night. He lives a lot closer than the others so I tend to see him more often. He's crawling standing, and trying to walk. If only he wasn't so stubborn ;)

Julius a.k.a. JuJu

3) The other big news for me is that I am planning in moving to S. Korea next August. YIKES!!! I'm excited but it is such a big decision. Not so much moving to another country...I've already done that with New Zealand...it's more that Korea is SOOOOO different and involves another language. I'm studying like crazy now to learn all I can before I begin taking the TEFL course. Honestly, I have no idea why anyone would want to go teach English in another country without knowing how to tech, or even some of the language. There are so many people who go over there and by the end our their year they still don' know any Korean or even how to read the characters. Shameful! Why would someone go over to Korea to teach people about English and English culture and not bother to learn anything about Korea. Again, shameful!

I'll get more into everything soon, but I am so excited for the adventure ahead and everything that God is doing in my life right now.

Till next time ;)

Buy some art so I can move to Korea ;)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/ArtbyCara

Skype and Nephews

2011-08-17T13:19:00.003-04:00

I love talking to family on skype, especially my nephews. I can't believe there are 4 of them now!! I've put some pictures below. Aren't they cuties! My little hobbits.

Alex - 4 1/2

Julius - almost 10 months

Nathan - almost 10 weeks

Quentin - almost 10 weeks

I have an art blog too!!!

2011-08-04T17:08:00.002-04:00

I've started an art blog!! Mostly so I can do post my art from illustration fridays and The Sketchbook Project. Great motivation! Check it out below.

Cara A. Gabriel, Artist: Illustration Friday - Obsession: "Lately I've had trouble feeling motivated to do art. Today I heard about this cool website called Illustration Friday (IF). Basically they g..."

The Babies. The Babies. The Babies.

2011-06-28T11:51:00.005-04:00

The twins were born June 10th! Two new hobbit additions to the family ;) I am now the proud aunt of two amazing little boys...Nathan and Quentin. That brings my nephew total up to 4! Although I wonder if nieces will ever be in the picture, I love my little nephies and can't wait to meet the two newest members of the family.

Nathan / Quentin

Nathan Michael was born at 5:21pm 5 lbs10 oz, Quinten Avery was born at 5:23pm 4lbs 7oz. Quentin is still in the NICU, and had surgery so that his breathing tube and eating tube were corrected, but he is doing very well and will most likely be out of the hospital in 2 days :). It's amazing how quickly babies heal and adapt!

I'm flying down to S. Carolina again to see them and help out during the month of July. I'm super excited!!! I'm glad that my bro and sis trust me again to help take care of their kids!

That's all for now.

T-4 days till I leave.

Meditation

2011-05-04T11:56:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day of beginning the study of the 12 spiritual disciplines with my amazing women's group. Scary! And awesome! Love it! This week I'm focusing on meditation of scripture and reading Job 38-41. I'm learning about my own insignificance compared to God, and yet he loves us so much and conquered sin for us through Jesus' death and resurrection. It's crazy! My journal is going to be filled in no time. ;)

And then afterwards I had to listen to this song because it reminds me of how I feel today. Check it out!

Heartbroken

2011-03-19T13:52:00.003-04:00

I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes the sin of the world is just so overwhelming...

I've been following an organization called Women at Risk International who try to rescue women and children from the sex trade industry all over the world. They help the women in so many ways, including counseling, bringing them to a safe house, and training them various trades so they can make a living, and reaching out with the gospel of Christ. The stuff that these women and children are going through all over the world is appalling, and disgusting, and heart-shattering. The fact that people are so eager to sleep with prostitutes and abuse children and treat them in such a horrendous way is overwhelming to me. The fact that some many people are kidnapped and used at big sporting events including the Superbowl is crazy. And the fact that there are so many sex slave trading strongholds even in America is horrific.

Well, anyway, today at the Women at Risk facebook page, they posted this article about the devastating truth behind the porn industry, siting a webpage of a former porn actress, Shelley Lubben, who has since come to know Christ, gone through massive counseling and had help in dealing with the trauma of the sex industry. Since 2002 she has been reaching out to others in the porn industry and people who struggle with porn-addiction, showing them the true effects of the industry and sharing Christ with them. Here website and the stats below can be found here: http://www.shelleylubben.com/

Porn Industry Statistics ( www.shelleylubben.com/)
36 porn stars died that we know of from HIV, suicide, homicide and drugs between 2007 and 2010.
66% of porn performers have Herpes, a non-curable disease.
2,396 cases of Chlamydia and 1,389 cases of Gonorrhea reported among performers since 2004.
Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
26 cases of HIV reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM), since 2004.
70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females according to County of Los Angeles Public Health.
Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.
The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.
More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.
There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.
50% of men and 20% of women in the church regularly view porn.
Of 1351 pastors surveyed, 54% had viewed Internet pornography within the last year.
Of all known child abuse domains, 48 percent are housed in the United States.
At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a gathering of the nation’s divorce lawyers, attendees revealed that 58% of their divorces were a result of a spouse looking at excessive amounts of pornography online.
Child pornography is one of the fastest growing businesses online, and the content is becoming much worse. In 2008, Internet Watch Foundation found 1,536 individual child abuse domains.
Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.

It breaks my heart. Sin is so ugly and dark and sometimes I think we forget that Satan is working hard to destroy lives... I am so thankful to God who is so much more powerful and loving and is bringing people to him everyday and breaking the chains of bondage to this sin.

If you or someone you know struggles with porn addiction or sex addiction, a good resource to check out is Setting Captives Free (http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/).

Drifting Away

2011-03-18T14:26:00.002-04:00

I was listening to this song today called "Drifting Away" by Tal & Acacia. I hadn't listened to their music in awhile, but God brought the song to mind today.

And it got me thinking...

Why is it so easy for us to drift away from God? Things go well and we forget him? Things fall apart and we forget him? Why do we try to fix the problem ourselves and think we don't need God? Or if things are going well, why do we take all of the credit for ourselves? That's crazy!

I don't want to be that way. I know it's because of our sinful nature, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to play the 'Christian' game that so many of us are playing where we pretend all is well at church and yet spend our time getting drunk, or swearing up a storm, or lying, or sleeping around, or living in habitual sin, etc, and not caring. We all struggle with sin, but do we care? Do we really understand the bondage we're in and our search for something to satisfy? Do we realize that satisfaction can only be found in Christ?

I don't want to drift away from God just because I can't be bothered to think of him and all he has done for me. I mean, seriously, how can we forget God? He created this world that we spend all of our time in. He created out bodies, our minds, our skills, everything. It's like we wake up each morning and willfully forget God. Then later, we lay down to sleep and realize that we haven't even thought of God today and vow to do better tomorrow. As each day goes by like this, we begin to forget to even feel bad about it. And we drift away, into our own thoughts, actions and abilities, and life, thinking we have it all together. That is, until something comes along to knock us down. Thank God he cares enough to knock us down. He cares enough to get our attention so we will turn back to him and realize that life isn't really about this life.

I don't pretend that I am perfect, for I am very much not, and I don't pretend to have it all figured out. What I do know is that we HAVE to spend time in relationship with God. Not for homework, or a checklist of 'good Christianity' but because we NEED God. There are so many lies thrown around out there in the world. How are we going to seperate the truth from the lies? How is God going to transform our lives and make us more like him? How are we going to live in freedom and be that bright beacon of light in a dark world for others?

Food for thought...

"His love is the thing that made it begin for the first time.
And his love set it right to keep us goin' on.
But we keep drifting away,from the love that makes life.
We keep drifting away from his side."

2011-03-06T14:20:00.006-05:00

You know what? I've been lazy in blogging for sometime now. Usually I post a song, or video or excerpt from a book instead of writing much about myself and what's going on. What's the deal? I have heaps of time on my hands, I just use it doing something else.

That's gotta change.

Let's start with this.

I am a writer. I love writing music, short stories, and short film. As of late, I haven't done much except for writing music. While that's pretty good, I need to do more. Just recently, I've found a few friends who also share this interest in writing. We need to encourage and challenge each other. Hmm.

I like to learn new things. The past few weeks I've been learning to crochet. It's fun. My first project was to make a scarf. It turned out well. Now I'm working with a difficult yarn and making a baby blanket for one of my twin nephews who's on the way while my sis makes one for the other one. It's slow going, but not AS slow as I thought. ;)

That's good for today. Sweet and short. Cheers!

Hold Every Thought Captive

2011-02-24T12:01:00.002-05:00

...Your heart is a fertile greenhouse ready to produce good fruit. Your mind is the doorway to your heart—the strategic place where you determine which seeds are sown and which seeds are discarded. The Holy Spirit is ready to help you manage and filter the thoughts that try to enter. He can help you guard you heart. He stands with you on the threshold. A thought approaches, a questionable thought. Do you throw open the door and let it enter? Of course not. You 'fight to capture every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ' (2 Cor. 10:5, Phillips).
You don’t leave the door unguarded. You stand equipped with handcuffs and leg irons, ready to capture any thought not fit to enter. For the sake of discussion, let's say a thought regarding your personal value approaches. With all the cockiness of a neighborhood bully, the thought swaggers up to the door and says, 'You're a loser. All your life you've been a loser. You've blown relationships and jobs and ambitions. You might as well write the word bum on your resume, for that is what you are.'

The ordinary person would throw open the door and let the thought in. Like a seed from a weed, it would find fertile soil and take root and bear thorns of inferiority. The average person would say, 'You're right, I'm a bum. Come on in.' But as a Christian, you aren't your average person. You are led by the Spirit. So rather than let the thought in, you take it captive. You handcuff it and march it down the street to the courthouse where you present the thought before the judgment seat of Christ. 'Jesus, this thought says I’m a bum and a loser and that I’ll never amount to
anything. What do you think?' See what you are doing? You are submitting the thought to the authority of Jesus. If Jesus agrees with the thought, then let it in. If not, kick it out. In this case Jesus disagrees.
How do you know if Jesus agrees or disagrees? You open your Bible. What does God think about you? Eph. 2:10 is a good place to check: 'For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do' (NIV). Or how about Romans 8:1: 'There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus' (NIV)? Obviously any thought that says you are inferior or insignificant does not pass the test - and does not gain entrance. You have the right to give the bully a firm kick in the pants and watch him run.
Let’s take another example. The first thought was a bully; this next thought is a groupie. She comes not to tell you how bad you are but how good you are. She rushes to the doorway and gushes, 'You are so good. You are so wonderful. The world is so lucky to have you,' and on and on the groupie grovels. Typically this is the type of thought you’d welcome. But you don’t do things the typical way. You guard your heart. You walk in the Spirit. And you take every thought captive. So once again you go to Jesus. You submit this thought to the authority of Christ. As you unsheathe the sword of the Spirit, his Word, you learn that pride doesn’t please God. 'Don’t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance' (Rom. 12:3, Phillips). 'The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging' (Gal. 6:14). As much as you’d like to welcome this thought of conceit into the greenhouse, you can’t. You only allow what Christ allows.
One more example. This time the thought is not one of criticism or flattery but one of temptation. If you’re a man, the thought is dressed in flashy red. If you’re a female, the thought is the hunk you’ve always wanted. There is the brush of the hand, the fragrance in the air, and invitation. 'Come on, it’s all right. We’re consenting adults.' What do you do? Well, if you aren’t under the authority of Christ, you throw open the door. But if you have the mind of Christ, you step back and say, 'Not so fast. You’ll have to get permission from big brother.' So you take this steamy act before Jesus and ask, 'Yes or no?' Nowhere does he answer more clearly than in I Corinthians 6 and 7: 'we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.... Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly--but only with a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them' (6:18; 7:1-2, MSG). Now armed with opinion of Christ and the sword of the Spirit, what do you do? Well, if the tempter is not your spouse, close the door. If the invitation is from your spouse, then HUBBA HUBBA HUBBA.
The point is this. Guard the doorway of your heart. Submit your thoughts to the authority of Christ. The more selective you are about seeds, the more delighted you will be with the crop."
— from Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado, Word Publishing 1998, pp. 177-182

We Will Run

2011-01-11T12:27:00.002-05:00

This song speaks volumes to my heart. It is exactly how I feel right now, with so much bad in this world and so much pain and suffering...and rejection of God. And my own hesitant heart that can't seem to care enough for God. Rebellious. Selfish. Unloving. Oh, God. Bring us back to you.

We will run - Gungor

Create in me a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Save us from our ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build us shape us
Break and then recreate us now
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Oh, bring us back to you

2010 and 2011 - wouldn't you like to know

2011-01-05T16:38:00.003-05:00

Oh, ah, I guess I forgot to do the whole "what I've learned in 2010" and "Goals for 2011" thing. In fact, the Christmas tree and decorations are still up with no end in sight. Oh well. Here it goes:

What I've learned in 2010:

That forgiveness towards others is an ongoing lesson that I will face often in my life
When you pray and ask God to grow you, he will, but not in an 'overnight' or 'easy' or 'painless' kind of way.
That I will never again work for the US Census Bureau
That my self worth is found in God alone
That God is fully capable and more than willing to set us free from life-long sin struggles
That my heart needs to remain open, even when hurt...that some friendships can go deeper than others, but that I should never stop trying to be open and honest with others.
That I love taking care of kids, especially my nephew
That music, art, and encouragement are still my strongest spiritual gifts by far and therefore I need to find ways to use them more often
That seeing friends and bands from New Zealand is an acceptable temporary alternative to not being in New Zealand
That I need to live by the Spirit and what God's telling me to do
That exercising regularly is possible
That God has me where he wants me to be right now
That being single opens many doors to awesome opportunities like traveling and moving down to S. Carolina for a few months
That no matter how long I've been looking for a job, God will always provide for what I need. And that my definition of need is sometimes different that God's.
That selling art is something I no longer want to do. It kills my spirit. I just want to paint and give to whomever is blessed by it.
That people should really not be concerned with whether or not I'm married right now. I'm enjoying my singleness and I am glad to be free to do what God has me to do

Goals for 2011

Eat healthier and exercise. Cliche I know, but I'm serious. I'm doing a Bible study course and eating plan that will help me in this area and will help to put the focus on God and not myself. If you want to know more about that, I have another blog entitled Elohim, My Heart's Desire
Have an International Night every month or every other month to cook food with friends and learn about other cultures
To hold art nights to paint with whoever is interested
To travel somewhere this year, if even just to Canada
To find a job!!!!
To grow in my trust and love of God
To care about others and show love to them
To be content in where I am and what God has given me

So that's what I have thus far. I'm hoping for a great year!

Update in short

2010-12-27T11:50:00.007-05:00

Can it really have been so long since I've posted? What have I been doing?

Well, I'm back from South Carolina. It was awesome, but I'm glad to be home too. Found out my bro and sis in law are expecting twins now. Awesome! Send prayers their way! I wonder how my nephew, Alex, will respond when the babies are born?

My other bro and sister in law had their first child on Halloween. Julius! What a cutie.

Then there was Thanksgiving and Christmas and they were a lot of fun. And now it's Monday morning of the last week of 2010 and here I am, preparing to job search again. And that's why I'm writing a blog, as a delay to the disappointment of finding nothing. So, you're all caught up ;)

Cheers!

On facebook, boredom, and being led by God

2010-11-06T10:27:00.005-04:00

A funny thing happened earlier this week. I was bored and on FB (not a good combo) and ended up at the FB of a person I knew from college. He is now a pastor and I about jumped out of my chair at the idea. This guy, back in my college days, was not someone who I would've ever thought would become a pastor. Not that he was a horrible sort of person, but just not...likely to become a pastor. So anyway, there was a link to his church page and there I found audio sermons and I had to check it out. He had just recently given his testimony of while he was in college and what happened after so I listened to that one. It was nothing short of amazing. And God did nothing short of convict me and encourage me in just under a 20 min sermon.

There was a lot of stuff that happened in this guys' life and a lot that God had to do to make him realize his dependence on God. He called them the 'wilderness days.' He struggled with pride and living life like he didn't need God. He talked about how God had to bring him to a place of dependence on Him. God closed all of the doors and brought his pride down. God allowed situations in this guys' life that broke him and made him understand just how wrong he had been - running from what God had for him to do. He ended it by talking about how Gods' plans are so much better than our own, even when he takes us through the wilderness and the time of just horribleness or blahness, his plans are still better. We need to let God lead us. And when God's people don't let him lead, he brings them to the desert, to the wilderness until they have no other choice but to let God lead.

His testimony was very touching to me and I realized that I had been judging him and remembering him only in the context of his past, assuming a lot about him. We all struggle with this, I know, but God has really put it on my heart to look at people through his loving eyes. See how much God cares about them. See them as people who struggle too. See that they are on a journey too. And see that God can use anyone. I would hate for people to think of me only for the bad things i've done. People change, mature, encounter God, etc. We can't hold their past against them. We can't hold their present against them. This testimony of a guy I knew in college was another example of how we think we know people but we don't. And I realized how much pride I had. Praise God for revealing the truth and readily forgiving.

But God didn't just stop there.

I've been going through a hard time of not knowing what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to be. Not being able to find a full-time job and being frustrated that I'm 27 and living at home again. I'm frustrated about not being able to go to New Zealand to live again, or even to visit. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. It seems that every move I have tried to make had been thwarted. Everything I have done to try to lead myself has failed. I know I'm in the wilderness and have been for some time. I know that God is working on me, drawing me closer and closer to him. This guys' testimony was exactly what God wanted me to hear and to know. God wants me to follow him. To let him take the lead of my life. God is always working in my life. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming into what he wants to do. And sometimes I follow willingly. He has been disciplining me and making me depend on him; strengthening me, and just recently freeing me from some ugly sin that was controlling my life. Looking back on a lot of things, I see Gods' strong hand and heart in them and I see that the doors that God closed were for my own good and that the struggles I had were there to draw me closer to him. And I see how better it is now that he's taken me where I have been. It's still a struggle to let him lead, but God's working on me. I feel encouraged though. I am where I'm supposed to be. My situation is what God has me in right now. I remember the guy in the testimony saying that God's path is better no matter what it looks like. Sometimes it's a easy path filled with lots of joy and other times it's a very difficult path full of much sorrow. But the comfort is in knowing that God is leading us, and actually following him. One of the best illustrations from the testimony is that 'sometimes God lights one step at a time before us because if we saw what was over the edge we would pass out or be too scared to go on.' It just really encouraged me. There was so much more to the sermon, but that's how God spoke to me.

So, yeah, I need to let God lead me and be willing to follow him onto whatever path.

On travel and returning home...

2010-10-29T11:56:00.003-04:00

Deep inside of myself, I'm finding that I want to live somewhere else. Not Ohio. Not South Carolina though it has been good to be here the past few months taking care of my nephew and hanging out with my bro and sis in law. But I want to GO somewhere. Have an adventure. Move to another place again and try life there. See how other Christians are worshipping God. See what use I could be there.

Here's what happened...or shall I say 'usually happens.'

I'm randomly doing something online or talking to someone or reading a book and then BAM the feeling ignites. This time around I found myself looking at different blogs of people that I don't know. Way too much time on my hands, I know. On blogger, up at the the top you can just click on next and it'll take you to someone else's blog. I'm sure lots of people have come to mine that way ;) I've looked at somewhere between 30 and 50 blogs today if I were to guess. These people were from all over. From America. From UK. From China. From Canada, etc etc. It was cool to see what's going on in the lives of other humans around the world.

The 'problem' is that since living in New Zealand, working with Koreans, befriending people from all over, watching far too many movies and reading books from around the world, my scope of the world has widened and well, it seems dull to stay in the same place that I've grown up in. I want to see other places and meet other people and do art and worship with others and all of that stuff that just has my heart beating way too fast. As Bilbo says in the Lord of the Rings "I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf."

But the question is will it ever happen? If God wants to keep me in the same place I know that he'll give me the contentment with it as I continue to seek him. Or does he want to move me?

We shall see, right?

As my time here comes to a close, I can't help but wonder what it will be like being home again. Good I'm sure. I miss heaps of people. I'm not looking forward to returning to the job search again, no no no. But there's a part of me that longs for something else...what to do about that?

So yes, dear friends, I will be heading home Nov. 13. I will seriously miss my nephew and brother and sister. It just part of life, right? But I'm excited to go home too. If you got this far in this post then good on ya because I know it's a very rambling sort of post.

That's all for now.

Cheers.

Life in the South

2010-09-26T20:17:00.002-04:00

I'm living in South Carolina with my bro, sis-in-law, and their son for a couple months. I'm taking care of my 3 yr old nephew during the day while they wait for a daycare to open soon. It's going pretty well, but I'm missing home desperately.

It's fun playing mom during the day, but it's no easy thing. My nephew is a good little boy but he pushes his limits from time to time. We've been reading his Bible and trying to do a short little devo each day. We've also been working out of a book for kids entering kindergarden with him, so he's pretty smart. He knows how to write his name and recognize letters. He's learning to write his letters slowly but surely. He knows animals, food, transportation and the like. His counting skills are fantabulous and he's really excited about painting and coloring. One bright little boy. Oh yes, and he's obsessed with movies and books. We ARE related ;)

I've been using a car during the day and exploring with Alex. We've been going to storytime at the local library and also to work out at a local gym. My bro and sis-in-law were so kind to put me on their family plan. I put Alex in the gym's daycare go to an aerobics class that meets on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. It's hard work, but great. Haven't passed out yet. I know how to get to malls, shopping areas and Starbucks so that's covered. ;) I'm getting used to driving a large car, though many times I wish for the smaller one from home.

So yeah, things are pretty good.

However, my art is suffering quite a bit. I've started a picture but am a bit nervous about taking out the paint when the whole house is carpeted. Also, with the blank walls in my room, the inevitable has happened. My art muse has retreated to a small corner of my mind and won't come out unless it is fed enough creativity. I left all of my posters, designs and calendar at home and now I face the consequences. Beginning tomorrow I will enlist my nephew to draw some pictures to go on my wall so I can breath. Artistic meditations each day, that's what I says.

Alright, that's all I have for right now. To all my dear friends and family at home, know that I miss you all completely and truly. I'll be back in mid-november.

Where has August gone?

2010-08-18T09:51:00.003-04:00

August has really flown by! Crazy! I guess summer really is coming to an end.

There's a lot that has happened in the past few weeks and much to look forward to.

Let's see...my best friend got married, I had an interview for a job but decided to withdraw the application, I'm going to see another Kiwi musician, The Ember Days, in concert next week, I am planning a trip with my mom and sis to Chicago at the end of this month, and after that I move down to S.C. with my bro and sis in law to take care of my 3 yr old nephew for 2 months.

P r e t t y b u s y ! !

Well, I thought I would have more to say but I don't. Cheers!

Art Ministry

2010-07-24T17:22:00.002-04:00

Wow, has it really been a month since I've last written? Who knew?

I've been my random self as usual. Had a good visit with some New Zealand friends and they were sweet enough to give me some New Zealand chocolate that I've been craving for the last year or so lol. I even got to see a New Zealand band, Rapture Ruckus, in concert which was amazing! Pretty good month all in all.

I've also been thinking about this art ministry dream that I've had for awhile now. What is it? Well, let me begin with what God's been doing...

Being unemployed for so long has really got me thinking about what I want to do with my life. The re-igniting of my creative fire began with me taking a spiritual gifts test and my top 3 gifts being Music, Art, and Encouragement. It really challenged me to think about how I've been using these gifts and how I can in the future. Music, being the highest on the list, really got me thinking about what I can be doing with my musical skill. Currently I'm not singing or playing in a praise band, or even singing a choir, but I have been writing tons of music that I haven't uploaded onto my myspace music page yet. Yes, I have a music website. I'm still trying to figure out what I should be doing with my music but it's got me thinking...

Then about 4 months ago God put the desire in my heart to paint portraits of people from around the world again...in other words, doing something that I love as a means of getting myself back into regular painting...with a massive art project in mind.

Then, about a month ago when I was at my brothers church for the 4:12 BBQ and his elder came up to me and asked if I was still making movies. It may sound random to some of you who don't know, but I wrote, directed and edited 2 short films while I was in college and I had a lot of fun with them. I even held auditions lol. SO anyway, I told him that I wasn't and he asked me why not. I sat there and thought about it for a while and then said that I didn't really know why, except that I don't have a video camera. He gave me this weird look and then said why don't I grab someone who does and get to work. I laughed but seriously, the thought had never entered my mind. Duh! Afterwards and almost everyday since then I keep thinking about how I need to make a short film about something! I have a digital camera and can make like a low quality 5 min thing until I find someone with a video camera, but wow! How could I have forgotten one of my passions?

Finally, 2 weeks ago I was doing a career assessment with a friend and it challenged me to really think deeply about what I want to do. The three things that kept coming up were art, music, and helping people.

All of this has been drawing me to my dream of creating an art ministry. I don't have all the details of what I'm imagining but let me try to name a few keys things:

First of all I think it would be really cool to use art and reflection stations in the church to visually help people understand a sermon topic and/or sermon series. I did some stuff with this at my church in New Zealand and it was completely amazing and useful for guiding people to a deeper relationship with God. Another part of this ministry would be possibly holding free community art classes (not so much about teaching but everyone painting together with some teaching mixed in if need be) so that the focus is on community and creating together as a way to connect with each other and express themselves. There is something that it so completely freeing about doing art with others and I want to give people the opportunity to do that and have all of the materials there that they need too if possible. I'm also trying to figure out ways to use art to reach people for Christ and even as an encouragement to people who need encouragement in their lives.

A big part of this art ministry would be to help artists and creative types from all backgrounds to find ways to use their talents in the church...including painters, sculptors, graphic designers, photographers, playwrights, actors, chefs, filmmakers, musicians, singers, dancers, writers, interior designers, etc, etc. Artists tend to either get overlooked and ignored in church or be placed in ministries that are deemed 'artsy' but don't really tap in on the skills that they have. For example someone may be a musician, but be told to sing in the choir...even though they can't sing. Another person may be a painter and be told to design a website even though they know nothing of web design. An actress may be told to teach sunday school even though they're not really gifted in teaching.

The scope of this art ministry idea is so overwhelming sometimes that it often brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel like this dream is so big that it could never happen. There are people everywhere telling me what I should and shouldn't do. What I should dream and shouldn't dream. That I should 'be realistic' etc. The funny thing is that God's been preparing me for this. I wanted to live by the Spirit and really listen to what God's telling me and this...this is what he keeps saying. I have no idea where to begin. No idea if this dream will ever be realized. No idea of anything. It's such a scary and yet exciting place to be in. But I am confident that as I continue to seek God with the direction my life is taking, he will show me what to do, and help me step out in faith.

June Awakenings

2010-06-25T11:25:00.004-04:00

As this month comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on how much God has grown me in such a short amount of time. I won't go into details on a public blog, but it's been really good and exasperatingly hard. Forgiveness, self-worth & standing up for myself, trust, patience & endurance, compassion, spiritual warfare, building authentic relationships...these have been some of the areas that God has been growing me in and making me more aware of. I'm excited to grow, even if it's painful but I wonder what he's preparing me for?

As I've been reading The Sacred Romance and The Journey of Desire, I've been opening my heart more to what God is doing in my life...and just as my desire for doing art again has exploded open, my desire for New Zealand is growing once again. I don't know why I have this deep connection to a place so incredibly far away, or even why in 2004 God challenged me to get over my fear of flying and brought me to that beautiful place for the first time but he has opened up this desire once again and I just wish I knew what to do with it. Dare I go back a fourth time? When? This year? Next year? What?

It's okay though. I don't need to have all of the answers. I just have to be open to what God's doing and let him lead me. Easier said than done, but I'll keep trying and he'll keep giving me those opportunities to grow. Of that, I can be sure. :)

A declaration

2010-06-10T09:56:00.003-04:00

I refuse to enable people to continuously mistreat me. I am a daughter of God, of woman of integrity, and I will not stand for it any longer. I will not settle. I will not be used for what I can offer nor for what is temporarily convenient. I also will not let someone elses jealousy and belittling cause me to pull back and feel worthless any longer. God has given me these gifts and abilities for his purpose and too long have I hidden behind the fear of how others view me. I don't need any more false friends and I don't want to be false either. In my attempt to be authentic and real, and through this journey that God has been taking me on, I am learning how much of myself to openly share, not that I won't keep trying to build deeper friendships, but that I would heed the warning signs early on. I will not open the depths of my soul to just anyone without there first being a commitment of trust.

For men, this means I will not be emotionally close in sharing all about my life and struggles, hopes and dreams, etc and vice-versa without some sort of commitment and relational depth. Realistically, friendship can only go so far between us...otherwise it will end in someone getting hurt. I am not the type of female to lead anyone on and I will also not be exploited in such a way. I am not an appetizer to be sampled while waiting for the main course. I refuse to play those kind of games. Either risk the possibility of a rejection or move on. I wish more women would understand their worth and understand that they deserve respect. Hold christian guys to a higher standard...

For women this means not going too deep in conversations without trust being in place first, regardless of the amount of time that we have known each other. Building trust may take years and years or it may take months. Either way, this is not an overnight thing. I have risked my heart on many occasions in the hope of authentic community, and have been pleasantly surprised and horribly mistreated. This does not mean that I will not share my heart with people, quite the opposite. Authentic relationships are well worth the vulnerability and disappointment along the way. But if you prove untrustworthy, I'm afraid acquaintance is as far as it will ever go and that saddens me to no end. In an authentic relationship, both people benefit and sharpen and encourage each other and I wish everyone could experience that.

I gotta be about God and what he's doing in my life. In this process of him healing me from old and new hurts, I am growing closer to him. As Fireflight says in their song, "For Those Who Wait", "The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference is what makes it worth it."

My faith is not a joke. My heart is not a toy. My gifts are not useless.
If this is intimidating to anyone, so be it. I choose God as my satisfyer. He is more than trustworthy. He is good.

And I am excited about what he is doing in my life.

Fortress

2010-06-04T12:21:00.002-04:00

Fortress by The Ember Days

Oh Your hand holds,
Your heart knows
What no one can.
Oh You see, You see me
When no one can

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

Sometimes I cannot see
You’re holding me
And my deepest needs
Your eyes see because You love me.
Nothing escapes You

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

You safely hold me.
Fears are leaving.
You gently love me.
Fears are leaving.

I know…..

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

These lyrics are going up on my wall because it's something I need to remember...

Cellphones, Canada and Stress Induced Insomnia.

2010-06-03T19:22:00.006-04:00

My mind has been all over the place. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what in the world I am supposed to be doing? Cultivating new friendships? Job searching? Volunteering? Household chores? Reading a book? Praying? Art? What?

If you know, please tell me. I'm losing sleep over it.

On a side note, I ordered a new cell phone yesterday. It was time. Not a blackberry or droid or iphone or any of that nonsense. Just a normal messaging phone with a few perks. I'm usually hugely into all the new technology stuff, but at some point my brain has to kick in and really think about why I want something that can do everything that my computer can...I already have a computer. I already have a mp3 player, etc etc. And of course since these phones can do so many amazing things, you get the fantastic opportunity of paying extra monthly fees for media packages, unlimited texting, extra storage for videos and music, accessories etc, etc. I mean, are people really excited that they can watch a T.V. show on a tiny screen or a youtube video that takes ages to load on the new "faster" 3g network? Go home to your big flat screen HD tv or computer and watch it! I don't even want to ask some people how much their monthly phone bill is lol. And on top of all this, since you basically have a mini computer and the internet at your fingertips (not to be confused with your ipad and other mini computer that you bought), when you're hanging out with friends and family, instead of talking to them and having fun you can isolate yourself and play with your new gadget and not even be in tuned to the world around you. Who cares if it's extremely rude, as long as you are entertained? Congratulations.

Anywho, I'm planning a roadtrip to Canada soon so anyone with a passport is welcome to join me. If I don't leave the country soon, even for a weekend, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind!

How's that for randomness?

He Takes My Breath Away

2010-05-24T01:37:00.004-04:00

I know it's late. It's well after 2am. I should be in bed but the fact is that I've been in bed all day so... it's all right. You see, I've been sick in bed all weekend and off and on throughout this past week. It hasn't been fun. I'm kind of a baby about it sometimes too. I feel sorry for myself and want someone to bring a steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup to my bedside and sympathize with my situation, telling me that all will be fine. Maybe even shed a few tears on my behalf. Is that too much to ask? Haha. It probably comes from being the youngest of four children and therefore getting a lot of care and concern when I wasn't feeling well. Either way, that's not the point of this entry.

Even though I was sick yesterday, I still managed to fool my body into feeling well enough to attend the Asian Festival. It was an amazing experience! It's the exact type of thing that I love to go to. I LOVE learning about other cultures and seeing dances and clothing and even just the beauty of each unique face that God has made on this earth.

It's inspiring! It actually brought me to tears this morning when I thought about how creative God is. How varied and mysterious his creation is. From plants to people to the cosmos and beyond...our God is nothing short of breathtaking. It is an honor to be made in the image of such magnificence!

And I am inspired.

I have such a deep yearning to paint different cultures again. I haven't done it in 5 years and I am ashamed to say so. It's what I most love to paint. How can I have forgotten this? And so, thanks to a long conversation with God, the images and memories flashing before my eyes, and probably some of the crazy fever dreams that I've had, I am beginning an art project of variation. A project of celebrated differences. A massive cultural art exploration like none I have ever done. I am so excited for what God has in store that I can't help but to feel...awed. Here the creator of the universe is, sitting with me over a cup of TheraFlu, encouraging me to share in his gift of creativity.

And His rapturous presence takes my breath away.

Dancing in the Rain

2010-05-18T13:54:00.005-04:00

I confess. I have a huge fascination with dancing in the rain. When it's pouring down so hard that nothing can be seen even an arms length away, this is like the perfect weather to just be a child again. Barefoot. Splashing around in the puddles. Laughing. Undignified, sure. So? It's just lovely. But because of my "adultness" at the age of 26 , it would be looked down upon and so I generally run to seek shelter with the rest of them.

I remember having a job interview at Legacy Village a few years ago. I was dressed neatly and professionally. My hair was perfectly in place. The little make-up that I wear was applied with perfection. Resume in hand and confidence in place I walked into my interview with a smile. When I finished, I felt so good that I wanted to walk around and try to look for other places to submit my resume. I noticed the rain clouds in the sky but I figured that since it held off this long I would probably be fine. And my umbrella was in the car so...I started walking. Of course, the moment I was the farthest away from my car, it started to pour. Bucket loads people! I initially started to freak out. I was getting soaked! My resumes were getting soaked! My hair! I started to run back to where my car was parked but I had these cute little sandals on that were hard to run with in good weather and with it raining so much I started slipping around in them. Finally I stopped running and just stood there sighing. And then it hit me. Who cares? I love rain! Laughing like a mad women, I pulled of my shoes and just started walking...slowly. As I passed various stores I saw people huddled in doorways or behind windows, looking at this crazy barefooted woman walking through the parking lot without a care in the world. If you've been to Legacy before, you know the sort of "people" I'm talking about...looking down their nose at you. I didn't care. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I enjoyed every moment of it and still look back on it as being one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Yeah, my plans were ruined. My resumes were ruined. My shoes were ruined. And I looked like a horrible mess, but it was great! God's awesome like that.

When I think about the storms of life that come up, I wonder if instead of running to seek shelter or hiding, if perhaps I should just stay and dance in the rain. Yeah, I know it's cold. Yeah I know it'll completely drench whatever I'm wearing and probably ruin whatever items I have with me, but so? God tells us to take joy in our trials. That doesn't mean they'll be easy but I think our perspective will change.

With the things that have been keeping me down lately, I started doing some thinking...

I know it sucks, but is there any way that I can enjoy this time in my life? Yeah, I wish things would have worked out in the way I had hoped they would. First, with me going back to New Zealand. Second with me finding an amazing job that I could put my whole heart into AND pay the bills. Finally, meeting that special someone that just is like the icing on the cake of life. That person to do life with. Any one of those things by themselves would have been sweet at anytime. All of those desires and hopes have had opportunities come up and then crash to the ground within the last year. Some more than once.

But as I'm finding it difficult in being disappointed so regularly, is there even a small possibility that I can get some joy out of this chaos? My life isn't lacking excitement. I say it's dull and boring, but that's really just a lie. I'm not comfortable. I defiantly have a lot of unknowns and mysteries to keep it interesting. What about the idea of continually trusting God with my life? How does that actually work? Isn't it crazy that there is such an inward struggle every second of every day? It's like tug of war with God. I give it to God, I want to take it back and this is repeated so often that I don't even realize when I take it back until it trips me up once again.

The battle of Good verses Evil. How is that not exciting? Every good story has this and it so clearly covers my life. And with every good story, there are those extremely hard times that we face where a decision needs to be made to give up or push through the hardship. If there were a narrator in the background of my life right now they would be saying "and with all of this, when Cara feels she can no longer go on, will she give up, or will she overcome?

Maybe I'm going crazy because the stress has gotten to me or something, and this is a very likely scenario, but I find it kind of funny. I know how good God is. Why do I try to force my way and think I know best when clearly I can't see all of eternity. I can't even tell you what will happen 5 minutes from now. So, through this struggle, I have to look at it from another perspective I guess.

And learn to dance in the rain.

The Worst Fear

2010-05-16T23:19:00.003-04:00

From "Captivating"....

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will all be known--- if it hasn't already been discovered---and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear---abandonment."

Yup. That's about right. I feel like I should have more commentary on this, but I'm still trying to soak it in....

On Cars and Prayer and right Brain-ed-ness

2010-05-12T21:25:00.003-04:00

I guess I'm officially back into blogging. I've not really been doing it much for the past...ah..2 years or so, except to complain about how boring and stupid my life is lol. How's that for optimism? Not being somewhere cool, like New Zealand, makes it kinda hard to write something good I guess, but this is life so here I go.

Cars make really good Prayer Closets. Did you know that? I don't know what it is, there is just something...comfortable about sitting in a car and talking to God like he's sitting right next to you. Maybe it's the closeness. Maybe it's the openness. Sitting in a dark closet, that can be good. But sitting in a small space that is surrounded by windows...it's amazing. Especially when you park somewhere that has lots of trees and nature around! It's like you're in the...the...I don't know..."palace" of God's creation and it just frees you to talk honestly about life.

Today was one of those teary kinda situations. It's like steering wheels were made to cry on. Did they actually plan this when designing cars? They have it down to the exact height and placement of the wheel so that when you are overwhelmed to some degree with life, you have a perfect "shoulder" to cry on. How did they know?!

I had an amazing talk with God though. I had a lot of things on my mind (see previous post) and I'm unhappy about a certain situation in my life that's...well ...weird. Something that I didn't ask for, but now that it's here and I was just beginning to enjoy it, it's being taken away or something and I am completely powerless to stop it. And I want to stop it from going away. It's the exact kinda crazy sorta thing that first begins with curiosity and confusion, then acceptance, then pushing my own agenda, then falling flat on my face, then halfway trusting God and yet getting angry because I fall flat on my face again, and then finally I have no where to go and I must talk to God, if even to just rant and rave before falling to my knees before him in an utter mess of repentance and humility. This, my friends, is the life of an artist. Of a true right brainer.

And I'm thinking I'll need that "shoulder" to cry on again soon.

Just Contemplating

2010-05-10T19:53:00.003-04:00

If you've known me for any significant amount of time, you probably know that I'm very contemplative. My mind is always going a thousand miles an hour, it seems, with me just thinking about...well...stuff.

Like.......

I often wonder what it would be like to find a job that I actually love. What does it look like? How can I find it? Should I be searching differently? I don't mean to complain or anything like that. I just really want to do something that I would love...even just like...that I would feel a sort of deep satisfaction about where I'm working and what I'm doing.

I sometimes think about what it would be like to meet a guy who would have a passion for the things I have a passion for and cherish the God that I cherish and that would just be a comfortable person to be around. Not afraid to be the man that God calls them to be. Someone serious about Christ. For real. The person that would be my match. And I wonder if that person even exists. Seriously. After so many disappointments.......and am I that kinda person for them? And is that person someone I look for? Or I just live my life and God brings them? Or something else entirely different? And how do handle this continual "wait" period? I guess I'm at that age where a girl starts to wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to trust my deepest desires to God, fully and continually. Like REALLY trust Him and be content in what he's doing with them. I feel him growing me in this area but I wonder if I'll ever actually arrive there or at least somewhere close. Is this an unrealistic ideal?

I wonder when I will return to New Zealand again, even if just for a lil bit...What it will be like after being gone for so long? What new cool people will I meet? Would the fourth time be as good as the previous three? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Will it ever even happen?

I wonder what God has in store for me over the next 5 years or so. Will I still be in Cleveland, or will I live somewhere else? Will I be married? Will I have found a job that I would enjoy? Will I be unconcerned with the things that I am SO concerned with now? Will I be doing something that I can't even begin to imagine right now? How will my walk with God be? Will I be stronger in Him? Will I have actually stuck with this exercise thing I'm doing? Will I be a lot healthier?

These are the things that have been going through my head over the past few months, and recently stressing me out pretty badly. A big thing that I struggle with is fear. Fear of what could happen or not happen. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of misinterpreting situations in my life. Fear of being vulnerable and then wrong...otherwise known as fear of failure and/or rejection, etc. God's really be working on me with this deep rooted fear issue and I think it's going well. I'm growing slowly, but it's a hard bondage to destroy. Thank God that He has the strength to overcome because I sure don't.

Lies

2010-05-08T09:16:00.002-04:00

This is something that John Eldredge (Stasi's husband) wrote that I found very interesting...

We Are Being Lied to All the Time

The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you? We are being lied to all the time. Yet we never stop to say, "Wait a minute . . . who else is speaking here? Where are those ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?" If you read the saints from every age before the Modern Era-that pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we all were thoroughly educated in-you'll find that they take the devil very seriously indeed. As Paul says, "We are not unaware of his schemes" (2 Cor. 2:11). But we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet.

Who caused the Chaldeans to steal Job's herds and kill his servants? Satan, clearly (Job 1:12, 17). Yet do we even give him a passing thought when we hear of terrorism today? Who kept that poor woman bent over for eighteen years, the one Jesus healed on the Sabbath? Satan, clearly (Luke 13:16). But do we consider him when we are having a headache that keeps us from praying or reading Scripture? Who moved Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the apostles? Satan again (Acts 5:3). But do we really see his hand behind a fallout or schism in ministry? Who was behind that brutal assault on your own strength, those wounds you've taken? As William Gurnall said, "It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons."

There is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes of our lives than most of us have been led to believe. (Wild at Heart , 152-53)

Beauty

2010-04-29T23:50:00.004-04:00

As you may know, I am a big fan of the book "Captivating" because it has completely changed how I view myself and has really encouraged my wounded heart. One of the authors, Stasi Eldridge, apparently has a ministry that she is a part of called "Ransomed Heart" and as I was wondering if she has authored any other books, I ran across this website and this blog from Stasi. It always amazes me how God brings the exact thing we need to us in exactly the way we need to hear it.

Beauty
Some things can be measured scientifically. Weight. Height. Even the fact that infants respond more to a woman's smile than a man's...All kinds of things can be measured.

But how do you measure the fragrance of a woman? The beauty of a comforting touch? Tears of empathy? Eyes that welcome, accept...love? How can you quantify the sound of a laugh that makes you feel to your bones that all is right with the world? How can you possibly dissect beauty?

That would be like pinning a dead butterfly to a board. What would you know of its flight or what is drawn from the human heart while watching it move?

We know it when we see it. We truly see it when we experience it. We experience it when that part of us that is most truly us sighs in our soul's deepest recesses and connects with the heart of our God in rest. In thankfulness. In joy.

Outward beauty is a thing that can be measured only when we accept the standards of measurement. Youth passes - so youthful beauty fades. Wrinkles are around my eyes. Yours too most likely. Laugh lines are earned! Gravity takes its toll but who wants to live in a cage; fearful of the ravages of time? Life is to be lived. Beauty, true beauty INCREASES! It increases as it is offered, shared and spent on others. It increases as our eyes open to the beauty surrounding us in God's creation and in each and every one of his image bearers. It grows as Jesus captures more of our hearts and we are transformed into his very likeness.

Who can measure the beauty of a sunset? Of a nursing mother? Of the Living God? Of you?
No one. Beauty is a mystery to be embraced and enjoyed and received and owned.
God says you are beautiful. More beautiful than any other thing in all creation. And, well, he ought to know."

Anyway

2010-04-26T20:11:00.007-04:00

People say this quote is from Mother Teresa, but I think the original author is actually unknown. It was quoted in a book that my Growth Group is reading called, "Authentic Relationships: Discover the Art of One Anothering." Great Book!

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

More Than I Am

2010-03-30T10:44:00.003-04:00

I want to be more than I am.

In that I mean I want to be more than a person who only half cares about most things; who depends on her own strength then wonders why she falls flat on her face. I want to be a person of unbelievable faith, trusting God with every aspect of my life. With EVERY aspect. I want to be a Christian who is real and honest, open and bold, sensitive and excited, and not caught up in living to look spiritual and/or living to receive approval from everyone else. I want to be in tune to what God is telling me through the Holy Spirit.

I want to be a friend who listens attentively...slow to speak or interrupt, but completely engaged in another's life. I don't want to sit there wondering what they think of me or if they know my weaknesses, and also not afraid to share what insight that God has given me. I want to take the risk of opening my heart to others, to be ready to make authentic friendships, and also willing to be disappointed. I want to stop putting expectations on others. I want to be a person who cares about those around who are hurting and in need. Translated, that means caring about everyone and thinking less about myself. I want to be an open-handed giver of time, stuff, funds, and love/compassion.

I want to be an artist who isn't afraid to do art, a musician who isn't afraid to write music and a writer who isn't afraid to write. A creative person who isn't afraid to share her creativity. Who isn't afraid of the challenge. Who isn't afraid of failure. I want to be a person who works hard in all I do. Who serves hard in all I do. I want to be a dreamer who doesn't give up on her dreams. Who doesn't listen to the negativity around her that says she can't accomplish what God has given her to do.

I want to be an American who isn't the "American Stereotype." I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and not be afraid to be who I am, even if everyone else around me can't understand why I think the way I do, or put me into the box of easy classification. I want to stop being so completely hard on myself when I make a mistake. I want to stop listening to the lies of Satan. I want to fight for my freedom in Christ and hold on to his truth.

I want to be more than I am.

Already Over

2010-03-04T12:01:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it's best described in music...

Already Over Pt. 2 by RED

What's the Point?

2010-02-11T11:53:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point? I have all these desires and dreams and they just are so far away and so...unatainable it seems. I've been jobless for over 10 months now and I think about all the things that I want to do and think about how I can't do them until I get a job and that the job that I'll probably end up with is not going to lead me in the direction of my desires. How can you be encouraged in that? I know that things don't always turn out as we plan and that God has other things in mind. I understand that. But working a 9 to 5 office job just because it is the thing that American society says I should do...that will kill me. The corperate ladder. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to be concerned about numbers and figures and money. I want to be about people. And helping them. And encouraging them through this hard thing known as life. And offering hope bigger than the status quo. I'm not against other people doing corperate jobs, because they are very much needed....it's just a desire in me to help people.

I don't want to be burned out but that's how I feel.

Oh God I feel so hopeless!

"Revelation"

2010-01-30T18:10:00.003-05:00

For a person who doesn't like Third Day much I must say that it's probably odd that one of my favorite songs is "Revelation" by them. Saw them in Concert last night at Winter Jam and they performed this song. I reminded me of this time last year sitting in my car and crying and then hearing this song on the radio and just praying with all my heart. I still feel this way but I'm continuing to learn to trust God step by step.

Revelation by Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Tryin’ to find my way,

tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers

I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding

Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,

That I am lost again (I am lost again)

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without

I don’t know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won’t You show me where I need to go

Oh ohLet me follow Your lead,

I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

"Chasm"

2010-01-13T12:16:00.003-05:00

I was touched by this flyleaf song today. It'sgreat devotional material. It's talking about the rich man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. Basically talking about how the riches and comforts of this world mean nothing. Eternity is everything. Well, there's more in the passage then that, but yeah. Below is the passage followed by the lyrics to Flyleaf's song "Chasm".

The Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)
19"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21and longing to eat what
fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
22"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23In hell,[c] where he was in torment, he looked up and saw
Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'
25"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'
27"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, 28for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'
29"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'
30" 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'
31"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

Chasm by Flyleaf

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

The chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water, the chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Today: Sometimes it's Best Explained in a Narrative.

2010-01-05T17:06:00.005-05:00

In this world many people will let you down. They will try to manipulate you and disparage you. They will deceive you and rejoice in their triumphs. The Evil One will use these situations and even initiate many of them to shake you from your foundation.

You lash out in frustration.
Caught.
And you are cut down.

You're battered at all sides from voices that whisper uselessness into your ear. The pain is unbearable, the fear unimaginable. Despair hovers near and you are unsure. What hope can there be when even the good ones are sometimes bad? But will you listen this time? Will you give in to the lies again? Or will you take this time to really grab hold of the Lord and cling to his Truth?

You are not worthless.
You can be used by God.
He loves you.

He loves You. Seek his will and his favor. Not man's.

Transformation.

You can no longer hold onto the hatred. You can no longer hold on to the bitterness. You proclaim, "Take my life. Take my mind. Take my soul. Take my will. Cause I am Yours and I give it all to You!"

Desiring to please the Lord, you rise from the ashes and stand firm. The Lord is your rock and with him, you are unmoving. Unwavering in trust. Bold in proclaiming it. You've been cut deeply by those who may not even realize the depth of their affliction upon you, those that you love, but... You search deep within the Holy Spirit and find what you need most.

Love.
Forgiveness.
Peace.
And Mercy flows abundantly.

Your sight clears and your wounds begin to heal.
Patience.
God whispers "patience" and "trust" to you. And you take his hand and let him lead you again.

What God's teaching me

2010-01-04T12:31:00.002-05:00

Beautiful Bride by Flyleaf

Unified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You're irreplaceable, indispensable
You're incredible
Incredible

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Strengthen your arms now
Train your fingers for battle
Urgency's here now
Train your fingers for battle
Fighting this violence
With your feet wrapped in peace
Sad tears and silence
Now screams of joy
Victory

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying

We're not gonna fall and forget
How far You went to pick us up
If one part's hurt the whole body's sick
If one part mourns we all mourn with Him
Rejoice, and we'll sing with you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride (x2)

This year and the hope for the future

2009-12-31T19:13:00.006-05:00

This year has been a hard one, but I'm still sad to see it go. Just because it was one of the most difficult years of my life, I don't count it as a bad year. God has been continuing to grow me throughout this year , allowing me to walk through the dessert and helping me to learn to trust him through each difficult step. I'm still in the dessert, but I am spiritually ending the year a whole lot better than I began it.

At the beginning of the year I was holding on to the hope of returning to New Zealand but gradually realizing that my plans were already falling apart. I was still dealing with culture shock issues of being back in America. Instead of putting trust in what God had for me, I decided to try to force things to happen. I continued to stay with a job that God clearly had been telling me to leave because I was too afraid to step out in obedience to him, especially with the economy being so bad and my hope to return to NZ. I distanced myself from others, not really wanting to build close relationships because I was hoping to be gone...more because didn't want to face the pain of leaving more friends again, and as a result I felt deeply alone. Throughout the year I had a few emotional breakdowns where I just couldn't believe with all my effort and fight, that I couldn't make happen what I thought I needed most. I kept striving for my selfish ambitions. My relationship with God suffered, especially since I treated him like a galactic genie, praying for him to provide what I wanted, and when I didn't get the answer that I begged for, I fell apart thinking that God was holding out on me. I began to believe the lies of Satan, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't get what I want because I wasn't loved by the Creator of the universe who sent his son to die for me. That He loved everyone except me. I felt that God was so silent so this must be true and I kept trying over and over and failing over in over to bring about what I wanted to happen. As I got more involved in a new church I felt more and more detached from the people there and very lonely. Even in those times God was working to draw me back to him. There were many times where I would realize I couldn't do anything without him and would talked to him about my struggles and read his word and I was greatly encouraged. There were people in my Growth Group at church who were praying for me and encouraging me too.

I guess to really sum up it all up, this year was more of a tug of war year. Trying to trust God, yet still being inward focused and depressed, back and forth, back and forth. But God is still doing a great work in me. Recently he has revealed some of the hurts of my past that have influenced how I relate to people today and how I deal with each area of my life. I am continuing to tell him how I feel and searching him out. I have better days then others, but God really only asks me to take it one day at a time. I have been focusing on verses about God's love for me. I am reading the book "Captivating" and just letting God speak truth into my life. Just today I was reading a book that I want to do with my small group next semester and it's all about authentic community and building relationships that are genuine. One of the things that really stuck out at me is this quote from a friend that he mentions on p. 97...

"If God isn't bigger than our mistakes, then ultimately we're not trusting him; we're trusting our own performance. What kind of trust is that?"

For so long I have been regretting the mistakes that I have made and thinking that I'll never be able to get this "Christian life" right. But isn't God bigger than that?

I am thankful for all the good and the bad that has happened this year because I see how God is using all of my struggles to make make me more like him. I won't pretend to have it all figured out. I will still struggle tomorrow and everyday with choosing to trust God with every area of my life, but I definitely feel like I am on the road to recovery.

Praise God.

Happy New Year!

Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-03T12:18:00.002-05:00

Seriously.

We're doing this series at church and I'm realizing just how commercialized and stressful and wasteful Christmas has become. But there is something different... Watch below.

Best Described in Pictures

2009-11-28T21:31:00.004-05:00

I haven't been on again in awhile. The funny thing is that I come to this blog a lot to view friend's blogs, but I never make the time to write.

Things have still been hard, but I don't want this to be that kind of entry, so, moving on...

Had a temp job for 3 days this week. It went pretty well. It was nice working with some friends from church and helping out where needed. All three of us were unemployed so it was nice to work a temp job together. Praise God for even a little work after being jobless for 8 months!

Life since the last entry is best describe by pictures:

Went to an apple farm for the first time

Went to a wedding on Halloween

Clam bake with Gateway where I had the best tasting Clam chowder in the world!

Finished a painting for my friend.

Made a cake for Tiana's birthday. My first time trying to decorate.

That about sums it up. ;)

Autumn

2009-10-19T17:09:00.003-04:00

I'm really glad I decided to go for a walk this morning. I've been feeling drained and having allergy issues and not being able to sleep, but I decided that I need to enjoy one of the few sunny days left before winter asserts itself.

I decided to bring along a camera and get some artistic juices flowing. Loved playing around with the camera...adjusting the f-stop and such features. Lovely! Of course...God did all of the real work ;)

"There is also Life"

2009-10-08T11:28:00.004-04:00

Recently I've been accused of always writing sad, contemplative entries that give some people cause for concern as to what's going on in my life. Although I can't help the contemplativeness of some of my entries, I can address the "sadness" in them. They're not all sad. I mean, I met my favorite band, Red, a couple of months ago, and they're awesome men of Christ!!! Sometimes I just list the things I'm doing, like my involvement with my church, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. Other times I post what art I'm working on. Y'know. It's just kinda life.

I will admit that the last couple of entries were kinda emo...but think of them more like psalms. David wrote what was on his heart and so I do the same.

I'll be honest. The past 16 months of my life have been some of the hardest I've experience in my life. Sometimes I have to write it down to let it go. Sometimes in this blog, sometimes in my personal journal. It's hard being out of a job for over 6 months. It's hard to still be living at home, especially after living on your own for awhile. It's hard when God changes your plans and asks for trust in what he's doing...and for you to surrender what you most desire to him. It's hard being torn between a new church and the former one. It's hard to be thousands upon thousands of miles away from some friends and L&P ;). It's hard to watch friends' lives change before your eyes with marriages and babies , etc, meanwhile the question is always asked "When is it gonna be your turn?" It's hard to fail at some things and fight the lie and fear that you will never succeed. It's hard to see people suffering with sickness and not being able to help. It's just hard.

But there are good things in my life too. I'm learning to trust God more. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to stop being so inwardly focused all the time. I've been consistent in doing devos daily for the past 2 months, which is the longest ever in my Christian life. I am doing art and fighting with my inner demons. I'm enjoying the beautiful, bright and colorful leaves on the trees. Autumn is breathtaking - if not a little chill too. I'm enjoying going to concerts of my favorite bands and being uplifted by their music. I truly enjoy talking to distant friends on skype and getting to see how God is working in their lives. I like being available to help at a moments notice for whatever people need. I enjoy the amount of reading I'm doing and the music that I'm writing. I am loving spending time with my family because I don't know where God will bring me in my life, and I have a feeling it won't be here where I have family support ever so close. I love being available for my best friend as she moves towards her wedding day and marriage. There is so much that I love! There is so much that I am thankful for. There is so much that I don't even know how to express!

I just wanted to say that so you know. I'm in a hard time in my life, but there is still Life. The life that only God can give. And the hope that only God can give. Although I have my rough days and struggles, that is what I trust in.

Psalm 31:14-15 "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly."

Homesickness...and the state I'm in

2009-10-06T18:04:00.005-04:00

I don't even know what I miss anymore.

I just miss.

I wake up. I wonder. I cry. I smile. I grieve.

Why? Why still? Why not?

Father, how can this still be an issue in my life?

Still an issue.

I breathe. I sigh. I get up. I stumble. I...walk.

Wow! Do I love! But oh how I miss!

Why? Why still? Why not?

Where is home truly?

And I am home, but not in the right home?

Which home is best and why am I not there? Or am I?

Will my heart forever be sad?

Forever sad.

Do I hope? Do I fear? Do I try? Do I give up? Do I trust?

Why? Why still? Why not?

New Zealand...maybe someday....

Huh?

2009-09-25T18:58:00.004-04:00

What do I want out of life? I don't know. Is that bad?

Maybe that's the wrong statement to begin with. Maybe I should say "Warning: this is a contemplative entry that may or may not make sense. But for those who feel like they're stuck, maybe it would be completely understandable.

What am I thinking about? What do I want?

I want God's thinking. And to do the things that will make him smile. Even laugh, y'know.

I want to see beauty.

I imagine sometime in my life being able to look out of my window and seeing snow capped mountains, a crystal clear lake, and a rolling green hillside. The day would begin, the freshest of the fresh, and I would just drink it all in.

I want to run out to the middle of nowhere at night with just God and the stars, and feel the cool grass between my toes, and be comfortable kneeling in the grass before the dome of the most-high. Maybe even lying flat on my back and just reflecting on God' s greatness and creativity and vastness.

It would be lovely to paint unashamedly without concern. Just paint and feel relaxed without the pressure of something being behind it. And just worship with it.

Or maybe it would be nice to go sip tea or picnic with a friend on a beach and watch the waves go in and out all day.

*sigh*

I don't know.

*sigh*

Pressure!

2009-09-03T20:39:00.001-04:00

Starting to feel the pressure of things building up. It's overwhelming! And on the other hand I feel like I'm completely incapable to do anything.

Let's just say this week has been hard...

Happy September!

2009-09-02T14:13:00.002-04:00

I can't believe it's September! One moment it was summer, the next it became fall (almost). I don't really mind. I had an amazing summer this time around. Last summer I was just kinda floating on a dream of going back to New Zealand but not knowing how, and dealing with some serious culture shock. This summer I've been so busy with activities, concerts, service projects, and family...it's been amazing.

So September...

What's in store this month? Well, I turn 26 in less than two weeks. Can't think of anything particularly special with that, except maybe more people will bug me about when I will get married. Not even dating, so, awhile. ;) Getting my relationship with God right and falling more in love with him.

What else? Growth Group begins on the 19th! I'll be a leader, and hopefully I don't say anything stupid to give my inadequacy away haha.

More? Mutemath concert at House of Blues on the 26th! Bought my tickets two months ago. Can't wait!

Hmm? Hopefully I find a job this month. 5 months without work is beginning to wear on the soul.

We'll see. Till next time.

P.S. I probably should mention that meeting the members of Red was amazing and I was so blessed by their music! They played all of my favorite songs from both albums! Loved it!

RED

2009-08-29T21:11:00.005-04:00

Got to see one of my favorite bands, Red, in concert. Loved it!! More about that later, but I will leave you with a picture ;)

And the Old Shall Become New

2009-08-24T00:22:00.005-04:00

Today I decided to browse through some of my old blog entries and I came across this tidbit from September 2006 regarding contentment, almost 3 years ago:

***This week, [pastor] Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.Easier said than done. ***

So apparently three years ago I was in a similar situation of discontentment in life, even regarding New Zealand. I guess this is a lesson that I will continually need to be learning in life.

Of Sno Cones, Life and Creativity

2009-08-11T09:57:00.005-04:00

There's been a lot going on these past few weeks.

The Summery:

Learned how to operate a popcorn machine, a sno cone machine, and a funnel cake machine, for the WSEM festival and the Warehouse District festival. I was truly blessed at both...by the smiles of the kids and families who were excited to get free food at the WSEM Festival, and by some of my church family at the Warehouse District Festival through great conversations and relationship building. Serving the city...

Did VBS in the inner city two weeks ago and was tremendously blessed by the ministry and the kids. Challenged as well. It was also really good working with Cedar Hill people again.

Went to Growth Group leader meeting that helped me see the heart of what the growth groups are for. Yes, I will be co-leading the women's group with Kindel. Excited to get more involved in church. Excited to study Romans. Hard out praying for Nexus (coffeehouse outreach idea of Gateway) and what God wants to do with that. Challenged and blessed there as well.

ON a side note, my old church voted in a new pastor and I'm really excited for them. Pastor Green seems like an amazingly excellent person for Cedar Hill and what God will be doing there. He will be a great leader in reaching out to the community and bringing a vision back to the church! I know that some people wonder if I will be returning to Cedar Hill now that there is a pastor. I'd just like to point out that I'm not as flaky as that. God called me to Gateway. If he called me to stay at CedarHill I would've. I care about them too. I care about City Bible church in New Zealand as well. We're all the body of Christ so no worries. What difference does it make if I'm with the hand or the foot or the shoulder? It's all the body of Christ and I weep and laugh with all of them!

Went to the Fest on Sunday and had a lot of fun even though it was really hot! Loved seeing local bands more than the headliners. State Fair was amazing!! Check out their music: (http://www.myspace.com/statefairmusic) Always a little sad when I go to the Fest because it always reminds me of the pharisees...there's nothing we can do to earn Jesus' grace, and no amount of rituals we can perform...I just pray that God leads people who are seeking directly to him, not to people and things around him... I really appreciated Matthew West's testimony. We arrived just as he was giving it. I love his music too. Urban picnic with Gateway on East 4th was fun too, though I got there just in time for the outdoor movie ;)

Writing some new music that really reflects the heart of where I am at today with things. Removal from total devastation to total acceptance and my dependence on God in regards to not returning to New Zealand this year and this feeling of being 'stuck' with no direction.

Working on some art. I'm currently painting a 20x24 painting of the Trinity

Challenged and blessed too. I don't generally do specifically 'Christian art', but this piece really speaks to my soul!

Thinking about what the vision of my life is...Learning that Jesus is enough, no matter where I am at in life. That I should seek his presence instead of his presents. Not Jesus + New Zealand. Not Jesus + a job. Not Jesus + a blessing. Just Jesus. And he is enough. I need to live that out daily.

So there it is. Below is the progress of my painting. I only have God the Father and the Holy Spirit so far. Need to paint Jesus still. I still don't know what direction this picture will end up, but this is a sideways view of how I initially painted it.

Friends forever ...lost

2009-07-21T14:30:00.003-04:00

I was reading another person's blog and they were talking about how they were struggling with the fact that the friends who they thought would last forever are no longer there and it got me thinking....

Friendships are a weird phenomenon. Seriously. I realize that we, as humans, were born to be relational. I always hoped that those relationships would last forever for the most part. But think about it, if we remained friends with everyone we've ever befriended in life, there would be heaps of people!! You can't really have close friendships with everyone. And as things change in life, so do friends.

It's weird but I think that many friendships are not meant to last forever. As we all move on to different things and experiences in life, new friends come and old ones go. There are a few deep friendships that may withstand the test of time, but very few. It's a sad fact that I've been realizing recently. Why must we make great friendships that will only last or a year? Or a few years? And when I think about the people I knew in high school...I don't talk to many of them really. Then there were friends in college, broken down by each semester and each experience and already, just 3 years after graduating, I don't talk to most of them except through facebook on occasion, but it's not really the same. Even with my closer friends from college whom I still see at least once a year, there has been a change in the depth of the relationships. We all used to be very close, but honestly, moving in different directions and doing different things in life have drawn many of us away from the close relationship that we once shared. And to top it really, I think about the people I know all over the world. South Korea, New Zealand, China, UK, Australia, Canada, Brazil, South Africa, Kenya, etc. You can't truly maintain those relations from so far a distance. Not for an extended period of time. There are people from New Zealand that are still fresh in my mind that after being away for just a year I've noticed a relationship change, or lack of contact. It's sucks. But it's life. And the people I know now...who knows where we all will be in a few years. Or even in a year.

It's tragic and hard. But I don't think it's altogether bad. I like meeting new people. If I stayed with the same friends all my life would I ever meet anyone new? And I like meeting people from situations in life that differ from mine. I like how each new person I meet challenges me in some way. Many people who become closer to me, shape how I am and who I am. They introduce me to new ways of thinking and new ways to do things. For example, some of my friends in New Zealand taught me that regular picnics at the park after church could be amazing. I never really went on picnics before. Some of them also taught me that you don't always have to be 'doing something' to have fun... i.e. just hanging around at someone's house randomly and unplanned, and just enjoying being in each other's company.

Know what's really comforting and cool though...

Jesus.

Jesus never goes. Jesus never fades away. Jesus is forever...

I will break into a thought...

2009-07-20T17:06:00.002-04:00

I thought these Flyleaf lyrics sum up myself quite well right now.

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart...
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness.
I will break! Break!!
...
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You're heeding to it now.
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You tremble at the sound.

You sink into my clothes...This invasion makes me feel, worthless, hopeless, sick.
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. I'm so sick!!!

_______________________________________

Why does life have to be so hard? It's constantly filled with so many obstacles to trusting God and yet I must or it is utterly hopeless. The daily struggle of sin. The constant fight in my head. It's quite overwhelming! Some days I don't have the energy and still other days I have all the strength in the world.

But I won't give up. Just die to self again and try to think more of God and less of myself. It's not really about me anyway.

What up?

2009-07-08T09:55:00.003-04:00

It's been a long time since I've written again.

Last week was like my unofficial vacation, first randomly going to Pittsburgh, then my oldest bro being in town and then the holidays...It was amazing, but also tiring.

Now, I'm looking for jobs again...there's been no luck there and I see New Zealand drifting farther and farther away with each week that passes unfruitfully.

*sigh* I just can't really write about anything right now. Back to the job search...

Wrong side of the world?

2009-06-13T22:33:00.002-04:00

So today I woke up on the wrong side of the world. Philosophically and literally. I wasn't mad or angry or anything. Just down. I kept trying to boost myself up on fun times with my mom and my sis and at the NEO360 worship tonight, and I felt good, but in my heart I feel totally down. Yes, I have no idea when or if I'll be going to New Zealand (hence the other side of the world), and I have no direction in my life, and I feel sad.

So pray for me.

Happy birthday, Mum!

2009-06-12T16:06:00.003-04:00

Today is my mom's birthday. She is quite definitely the most amazing person I have ever known!! Okay. Okay. I admit, I am a bit biased, but she is truly a wonderful person!!

She has been such a wonderful encouragement in my life and it's through her that I was able to see Jesus. She's worked hard as a single mom (my parents separated then divorce when I was 10) and she has always been there for me. Even during my horrible, depressed, rebellious teen years. I was quite horrid but she was always praying for me and trying to help me. I'm so thankful for her. We never had much money growing up yet she worked faithfully. I remember her working 3 jobs at once and still making it to our school performances and sports. I'm sure she was tired a lot but she didn't really show it. And she took me to church even though I didn't want to go and now all of her children know Christ!!!!! She encouraged all of us in our desires for our professions and sent all of us to 4 different types of college and we all have degrees thanks to her! I could go on and on, but, yeah...

...and now my mom and I are so close! It was hard when I moved to New Zealand for a year and I know it will be hard when I move back and/or somewhere else. I love and appreciate her!!

I should go tell her ;)

Random post, I know, but I though the world should know how much I love her!!!

June?

2009-06-03T13:06:00.002-04:00

It's June already? When did that happen?

Apparently 2 days ago. Hmm...

Still looking for a job. Oh the joy of it. Not really. Wrote some in my New Zealand Memoirs... Did some artwork.

Most especially, I spent time with God. I've been really working hard on that. So far so good.

Today' s synopsis:

New Zealand???I don't know
Future??? I don't know
God??? 100% Amazing!

Take my breath away!

2009-05-29T14:14:00.004-04:00

I am most seriously wowed by God today. He actually took my breath away.

I was reading Romans 3. Have a look. And then have another look. It's quite amazing. The scope of God's solution to the sin problem that separated us from God since the Garden of Eden...his law brought down by Moses to show us how sinful we really are...and that the law could never save us...and Jesus' death and Resurrection that spread outwards, both forwards and backwards in time to save many...and faith saves...and in believing Jesus the law is actually fulfilled...and God's justice...and his love. It's still floating around my head.

I just see that God really loves us and knows what he's doing.

And I am humbled.

The Book That Shall Begin

2009-05-23T12:24:00.002-04:00

I think I'll start writing the book today.

Tiana and I once came up with the idea to write a travel memoir of our experiences in New Zealand - in the Bill Bryson style. Two sisters travelling together and the experience of culture shock and perseverance... very short chapters that sum each experience up in a 'lesson learned' type of way. Not sure I will be as funny and witty as Bill Bryson, but that never stopped me trying ;) What else am I supposed to do with all this unemployed time on my hands, besides looking for work of course.

Here goes...

Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

2009-05-22T17:55:00.003-04:00

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.

The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.

April showers bring May showers too?

2009-04-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

This month has been kinda crazy. Maybe in a good way. Maybe in a bad way. Not sure.

Viruses!!
Today, exactly one week before I was supposed to go to New Zealand (with the disappointment almost unbearable), I sit here writing on my computer. On the old laptop, not the desktop. Why? Because our desktop computer is infected with at least 1 Trojan horse and who knows how many other viruses. The very day we decide to get an updated virus protection is the very day our computer decided to stop working. So, I've been working hard at isolating the problem and seeing if I can fix the computer. It's harder than I thought and I had to read so much about viruses and different types and different ways to get rid of them and other numerous problems. Right now I feel like I should be an expert on everything related to fixing a computer problem...except ours. But I won't go down without a fight!! I've been talking to some tech people and perhaps they will be able to help me. Otherwise, I best salvage on to a usb storage, whatever I absolutely need before trying to do something risky.

Sicknesses!
My grandma had a brain tumor that was found a few weeks ago. She had surgery last week and they seem like they removed it and they also still think it's not cancerous. That's good. She's recovering now and sounds more like herself. Praise God!

On the other side of things, my uncle, Norman, just found out that he has a mass the size of a grapefruit in his stomach and they're saying that it is cancerous. He has to have emergency surgery sometime very soon. Keep him in your prayers.

The Word!
Growth Group/Bible Study is going ok. Ruth was never one of my favorite stories and I was really trying to like it, but it still is just like, blah. Got into some huge discussions in group and realized that we have to to hold everything else up to the Bible, not the Bible up to everything else. The Bible is the authority. It is God's word. Commentaries are good and make us think a little deeper and think about the culture of what we read in the Bible, but they're not always correct, and a lot is speculation. AND, just because something was in the culture doesn't mean it was right. The Bible the light that I have to hold everything else up to. If it didn't hold on it's own, whether I understand everything completely or not, what would be the point? Hmm...

Job Searching!!
Slow. Dragging. Unfruitful. And with the computer down, it's hard to do too much searching, but I did send out another resume today so that's good.

New Zealand!
I'm missing Kiwiland hugely this week. And last week. New Zealand was so amazing and I can't wait to go back, but it seems that if I don't find a job relatively soon, I'll not be going on the already pushed back date of August 4. *Sigh* I don't know if I can handle that kinda heartbreak again. I say, if I'm not going back, take this weird attachment to NZ away. Seriously. But not my will, father, but yours...

Weddings!
One of my kiwi mates is getting married this saturday. It stinks that I can't be there, but I suppose I would have missed it either way. The next weekend is another wedding of a friend that will take place at our church...that meets in a comedy club. This will be amazing I'm sure. The week after that, a beloved Canadian friend is marrying and amazing kiwi friend and I won't be in Canada for that either. Stink! One week off and then the last weekend of May is another friend's wedding from highschool days...we used to sing together all the time, and I won't be going to her wedding... :( Tis life I suppose.

Artness!!
I am doing art!! Finally finished two pieces that I had been working on Since Feb. I'm starting to play around with different techniques and work with texture and acrylic. Exciting I know.

Books!!
I've read like a gazillion billion books this month. Jealous? You should be.

Music!!
Okay, since discovering that we get Air1, life has been especially good in the car. Driving and having good music playing, including Red, Falling Up, Mutemath, Group 1 Crew, Paramore, etc, with no commercials!! Happiness is not quite the word to describe it! Alternafish also has been way better than the normal stuff on that station, but I do hate the commercials. It's 10 steps up from the Fish though. They're trying. And they play rock and hip hop. Nice. In fact, I've heard so much good music in the last month that I haven't even listened to LifeFM, NZ's Christian music station. Though I do miss it, I'm glad that there is good music on the radio here now. It's nothing short of a miracle in these parts. And I can stay current on new artists and concerts!

Finishing!
Yeah, so anyway, there's probably more I could talk about, but this seems good so far. Cheers!

Come, break me down

2009-04-04T21:02:00.002-04:00

This about says it.

"I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now
This is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"

-30 seconds to mars

Turning over a new leaf

2009-02-25T00:59:00.004-05:00

I've decided that I can't go on as I have been - caught in between two places. Present, past. America, New Zealand. It's been such a hard year being back "home." Fearful of the unknown, Heartbroken in every way, Confused as to what I am to do, Frustrated with God and his plans, Disappointed in my artistic apathy, Overwhelmed by seemingly constant rejection and failure, and Doubting pretty much everything in my life - all the while trying to maintain my mask of "everything's okay" and "It's no big deal". This kind of negativity and lie can't be good in anyone's life. It took my two biggest desires and plans being completely and utterly destroyed before I could come to the realization that only God satisfies. Only God can bring about the water I so desperately thirst for. I've only just realized this today. It's not in New Zealand. It's not in America. It's not in relationships. It's not in art. It's not in my job. It's not in my church. It's only in God.

And with that revelation, I know I can go on through this storm...

After the past few weeks of emotional crisis, things are finally beginning to stabilize. Talk about hitting rock bottom...I raced towards it and dived beneath it, buried myself in it, and thought I could save myself. But I couldn't. And God was so silent...

Why must things change so? Why must people change, and life change and everything become so completely unfamiliar? Was I asleep? Did I miss everyone elses lives moving forward while I remained in the past, or in my hopes for the future?
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

And God was so silent...

But I've got to remember that God is good. He sees all and knows all. He is not evil. He's a great mystery that won't fit into my little box of understanding and predictability, and he does some pretty crazy and unheard of things, and I don't understand anything that he does, but I've got to remember that he is good.

He is GOOD.

What's Wrong You Say?

2009-02-19T18:33:00.002-05:00

Confession
by RED

I feel fine
And I can smile
But I feel the anger coming
It's underneath
I don't know why
It's always overflowing
It's a constant fight
Deep inside
And I want to forget it

I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside me
I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside my head

And I can breathe
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge
I don't know how
I can escape this nightmare

Oh, I'm wasting away
It's part of my instinct
I'll run away
From everything I hate
Take this away
Help me escape
Take this away
I confess

Innocence
Innocence
Innocence

hmm

2009-02-06T18:59:00.002-05:00

Seems that NZ will be put on hold. *sigh* 3 weeks to decide. Anyone have a better job for me that actually pays money?

My life

2009-01-15T08:18:00.002-05:00

Trusting God is so so hard!

So many unknowns. So many fears. And yet everything is out of my control. Only God can change things and that's all I can hold on to. Seriously.

But it's so hard!!!

Christmas

2008-12-29T12:17:00.003-05:00

The year is drawing to a close. Who knew?

Christmas Eve was fun, going with my mum to Walmart 30mins before it closed. Quite dangerous actually. Well, maybe not dangerous per say, but there was a mob of people outside wanting to get in. Let's just say we made our way out very carefully. I think I just went for the craziness of it all. I didn't really NEED anything. Why are people so desperate for presents? There were so many tired and sad and angry faces. Why can't people just enjoy the holidays?

The gift I got Tiana won't even be here till after the New Year. No worries. Publishing a book takes time I guess. It wasn't real pricey either. I figured that since she wasn't coming back to New Zealand with me she'll probably miss everything quite a bit. SO I made a book filled with pictures and text of our experiences there last year. Can't wait till it comes for her. I know she's excited.

On Christmas day me, my mum, and Tiana slept in for ages. Opened gifts in the early afternoon, went to see the movie, "Desperaux" at the theater. Cute. Then we went out to an amazing Chinese food restaurant. All in all, very relaxed, very nice. Never did that before but since all our other family had gone down to S. Carolina to my bros, we kept it simple. We're going to cook a huge family dinner for New Year's Day and have everyone over. I can't wait.

Hmm, I think that's it. Perhaps a recap of 2008 on the next post.
Cheers!

Things looking up?

2008-12-15T12:02:00.003-05:00

4.5 Months until I move back to New Zealand. That's exciting! And scary!

Going to a new church in January - went there off and on before but now the decision has been made for my spiritual well-being.

Stressful at work with framing orders that have no way of being completed by Christmas with only two people working on them. And we keep getting more everyday. Someone should tell the customers. BTW, I went to the Woodmere locations of ours and it was huge! And they had more space! And more giftware! And possibly more frame choices! And more workers! And they were shocked to hear that we only had two workers working on orders. Ha!

Loving playing music about Christ at my store!!! Christmas is so fun in America because every store plays music about Christ. Amazing!! A witness while people shop, whether they realize it or not. Whether the singer is Christian or not. God's word is powerful! And a lot of people go to church around Christmas time so may God tug the hearts of many for him! Some people really get angry about Christmas because they don't celebrate it and don't like hearing the music and seeing Christmas all over the place. What about other holidays like Halloween that many people don't celebrate? But no one complains about all of the scary images in storefront windows and the fact that people don't celebrate it. If you don't celebrate it, you don't celebrate it. Don't participate. Geez...

I feel pretty good right now. Not too much stress all in all. Not missing New Zealand as much - oh I miss it- but T-4 months till I return so it's all good. Missing friends, but what can I do? Other emotional heartaches have calmed down considerably. Yes! Could it be that I've finally shaked this? 10 months later? Maybe so, maybe not... Ah! But I will enjoy this time while it lasts!

Still reading "Captivating" and it's so good. Usually I can read books fairly quickly, but this wasn't that kinda book. It deals with deep issues that need to prayed over, and ideas contemplated. I've been reading it since August. God has been doing some serious healing in my life. Learning to let him love me and find myself in him. My worth. My beauty. My heart. He is who satisfies me and gives me the strength to live this life and go through the stormy times as well as the good. Teaching me to be a better woman - feminism nor a twisted sense of submission will not shake this. God is the solid foundation in my life when everything else is so unstable. Wow! Who knew?

ART...doing it off and on. Working on keeping it on! Doing some freelance stuff on the side so that's good. Learning to see again. See God's beauty and artistic eye and appreciating it!

Things are looking a bit up today! Praise God. But random as post, aye?

Current Thoughts

2008-11-29T00:41:00.004-05:00

Listing my thoughts seemed to work well for me last time, so I'll do it again...

So..

1) I got accepted into the program to get back to New Zealand. Exciting! I have so much money to save up before I go, but I plan on leaving the states May 5, 2009! Like 5 months away!!

2) I made a for sure decision about changing churches, though it's hard because I'll miss people, but I need to go somewhere where I can be challenged and grow as a Christian. And a place that has a definite vision and purpose. God has changed me so much, I can't keep pretending to be the old me. I'll be changing full on in the new year. I don't want to be one of those people who just disappear and drop all responsibilities without telling people.

3) I...miss someone very much...and it hurts...it HURTS...and I'm amazed that I still feel this way 7 months later...and it's weird.. but hey, that's life I suppose...I'll hold it in my heart seeing where it's going; let it sit there for awhile till I can figure out this new...I don't know? Not sure what it's for but as long as God allows it there it will be. Oh but this new more emotional Cara (as if that's possible) is hard to deal with from day to day!!

4) I miss New Zealand life in general. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nowhere near perfect and that's nice. Acceptance for who you are instead of who people think you should be. Huge blanket statement of NZ, but there it is. I miss friends and CBC and everything. And I could live there permanently though I am nowhere near making that kind of decision.

5) I miss America... or rather, how America used to be for me, before I was torn between two countries. I missed so much in america while I was living abroad, and now that I'm back I appreciate these things a lot more, but I am constantly thinking about NZ. What time it is there. What I was doing this time last year. Wondering how people are and what's going on there, as well as re-experiencing life in America and caring about the people here. It's overwhelming!

6) Work is a drag...but that's no excuse for me not putting my all into it. Had my review today and although I did very well, there were some areas that I seriously need to work on - like being on time., and it hurts my witness for Christ. Lord help me to improve and see my job as working for you, even now while I'm looking for a new job! Why would you bless me with a new job if I'm not even doing my best at my current one? Even if I'm annoyed with the job and poor management and every other thing I can list... there is no excuse!

7) Art...I long to do it sooooooo much but I keep getting sidetracked. I'm too tired or discouraged. I make up dumb excuses. I've got to force myself to do this thing I love!!!It's like healing salve to my soul! SO necessary!

8) Still reading Captivating and still digesting the info. It such a huge part in the healing process of who I am. Such a big part

SO, that's what's been on my mind the last few days. I took a week long break from some things just to refocus myself.Not sure if I'm completely together, especially with #1 and#3 issues always on my mind...but I know that God is working in my life, drawing me close to him, especially during this immensely difficult time in my life.

Taking a break

2008-11-16T14:06:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a break from stuff. To much stress in my life that needs to be dealt with. I don't know for how long, but if you feel led to, please pray for me.

It's been awhile...

2008-11-14T10:43:00.003-05:00

There's so much on my mind...it's easier to just list it.

1. Looking for a new job...it's hard with all the people losing their jobs. Mine has already shrunk my hours down to 32, and it's just gonna get worse. I think our store will close soon. And probably in a shady way...

2. Missing New Zealand with a whole new passion...and I've been praying with the girls that it would get better. Perhaps calling NZ last week wasn't the best of ideas because it triggered something that just makes me miss them so much more. Thinking about taking a break from Facebook and Bebo so I can refocus things in my life.

3. Finally applied to BUNAC for the Work New Zealand Program so now I'm back to having very little saved up...But it's good to finally have it done. May 5th isn't too far away...but very far indeed!

4. Been real down about my art. Trying to break through it but the whispers of Satan are very cunning. Lord help me! The website is coming slowly...

5. Fighting the flesh constantly when it comes to my Spiritual life. God is so amazing working in me and growing me but I wrestle with him so much!

6. Church...a change is coming in the '09- actually it's already begun. I gotta go where God leads me...

7. Thinking about the Homeless of Cleveland. Since having Bible Study with the girls downtown, and being downtown more often anyway, my eyes have seen, and been shocked, and ashamed, and I need to know what I can do, if anything to help...looking into that and praying about it

8. Big money woes...and I need to trust God. I may actually move to NZ permanently so what does that mean in my life?

9. My bestest is getting serious with her boyfriend and it's exciting and scary. Engagement may be in the near future. Other dear friends are engaged already. And getting married weeks after I leave for NZ. I think I really am just going to end up missing everyone's wedding!

10. Guys keep hitting on me and it's bothering me -not like that. Not constantly, but quite a few times since my return to America. I suppose I should be complimented, but I'm not. Pizza shops, bus stops, grocery stores, and they have no chance of course, they're not even Christian, but what's with the influx of flirting? My heart is elsewhere...very elsewhere, and that's all anyone, for the time being, need know.

How's that for why my mind needs constant renewing from God. I'm stressed and he's the only one who can help.

I dunno?

2008-09-15T10:16:00.002-04:00

So I'm 25.

How do I feel? I dunno. Older? Or maybe just old?

I've been working a lot lately and doing things I don't really care to do and not doing my art nearly enough... The deep haze of "blah and monotony" is still over me. I'm trying to shake it but it's so hard! Unhappy is another word that fits - though it's not as dire as it sounds.

Was okay about not being in New Zealand for about 4 weeks, then the pain of missing it hit me again last week and hasn't really lifted. I'm so confused!! It's been almost 5 months since I left and some days I still cry?! At what point will I be okay?

Still unsure of how I'm getting back - or, how I can stay really. Maybe if I had a definate visa or something it would be easier because I would have that goal of what I'm looking forward to. Can I have a goal with no direction and lots of unsurity (did I just make up a word?)?!

My goal is to be back in NZ before May. I'm saving money like crazy. I've been online trying to find out the steps that I need to take to make this goal a reality. I will begin the nz job search in about a month. I'm thinking about contacting some artists over there to get some feel of other opportunities for me to be over there. I dunno. I'm supposed to go to Canada for New Years to visit a Kiwi and a Canadian of whom I met in nz, but that will cut down considerably the money that I am trying to save up for nz...Maybe I shouldn't go? I dunno.

I just gotta keep giving it to God.

The Game

2008-09-10T11:22:00.002-04:00

There's nothing like sitting in a pizza shop waiting for them to make the pizza and a stranger comes in for a sec, then leaves, then comes back 30 secs later, like a double take, and he says, "Hey, what's your name?

I reply "Why...?"

He says "Well, I just want to know your name?"

Hmm. So I reply "Yeah. But why?" In my mind, he's either selling something or trying to hit on me. Let's see.

He smiles and tries a new tactic whilst leaning on the counter and trying to look cool. "I just wanna know. Um, are you seeing anyone?"

Ah, so he's hitting on me and that was the best pick up line that he could do. Ha!

While shaking my head I reply: "Nah, man. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now so..." And I give him one of my Jim from "the Office" looks clearly showing that there's no hope in further communication while still appearing friendly.

It worked and eventually he left.

I don't know. Do guys generally think that talking to a girl in a random place will actually get them a date? I have no idea of his faith, of his character, whether he's a jerk or a nice guy, what he's like with others..etc. I'm not at a bar. I'm not at a club. Not under the influence of anything so did he really think his "charm" alone would work? Especially on me, who would rather know someone first, probably with a group of friends and not one on one.

Haha! SO nice to be back home. Oh what interesting things happen in my daily life!

eHarmony? No!!!!!

2008-08-30T09:15:00.003-04:00

So, I signed up for eHarmony by accident. How? you may ask. Well, my boss was talking about how you can get a free relationship compatability test or something and she loves talking about that kinda thing and personality tests etc, so I thought, as I seek to get to know her more and be praying for her and showing Jesus, sure, I'll give it ago. You have to meet people where there at, and personality tests are interesting. It was a looooooonnng test, but when I finally finished it, they only talked about what kinda person I was, not the type of person I would be compatable to...and out of 4 sections, they only got two half right. Hmm... SO I was like whatev and left it.

WELL....

The very next day they had 3 matches for me. 3 guys to see if I wanted to start "communication" with. They sent it to my email. I had no idea that I had set up an actual account. I didn't pay anything. SO, I go to the website and look at these "matches". One's 23, one's 27, and one's 29. Now, if you know me at all you would understand that someone in their late 20's is too old for me. Yeah, I know I'm almost 25. But my though is, no more than 6 months younger or 1 year older. I'm not stuck on that, but I'd prefer it. Haha. Anyways, they were nothing like anyone I would want to date. One sounded too conservative and boring. Another was funny, but obsessed with excersizing. The third? I dunno. Not memorable. Haha. It was a good laugh because I always wondered how people did these online things.

Well, I left it, and by the next day they added 3 matches. Someone boring sounding, another who seemed quite vain, and another who was waaaaayyyyyyy into video games. I love video games, but not to the extent that he does. So I decided to fill out my profile and let people know what I would look for. Then this morning I thought "wait, I didn't sign up for this!" and eHarmony was still asking me to join, but they wanted to have me find a match first I guess. Anyways, I'm not into the whole online dating thing myself so I cancelled whatever I had signed up for. Hopefully it actually cancels. Geez..

Crazy aye?

Captivating?

2008-08-24T01:14:00.002-04:00

Reading the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldridge, and recieved the shock of my life! It's a good shock, but why did no one ever tell me? Like my whole life I was looking for some explanation...

Wow!!!!

The desire of my heart

2008-07-25T10:20:00.000-04:00

These two songs have been speaking to me a lot right now. The combo of where I'm at in my life right now, my emotions about things, the monotony of my life right now, this amazing life group I'm in that makes me think, my job, church problems, the desire to do my art, the desire to return to New Zealand, my family, friends, winter, summer, everything...

And with all the STUFF going on in my life, I realize that I just really desire God. Only God. I may have all these things I want or need or whatever, but I miss God. I miss talking to him but also listening for what he's telling me. I do talk to him, but not like I did a few months ago. Did I leave God in NZ? Of course not, but sometimes it feels that way. These songs just really reflect my heart and what I long for.
_______

"Pieces" by RED

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

______

"Carried Away" by Sonicflood

You are the open door to freedom
You are the only hope I have
The reason in my reason
The only thing that lasts
How could I begin to settle
When all within me longs
To step into the shelter
Of your everlasting arms

I wanna get carried away
I wanna be tossed by your waves
I don't care where or how deep
I'm gonna jump in with both feet
I wanna get carried away
I wanna get lost in your waves
I wanna be held by your truth
I wanna behold all of you
I'm gonna be all yours today
I wanna get carried away

Some say You're far away
But I know You're here with me
I could go anywhere
And still you'd be there with me
I know You're with me

Whispers

2008-07-05T04:47:00.002-04:00

Can't sleep. Woke up and I just needed a break from sleeping. Long story but every so often I get restless, especially if I have things on my mind.

I went to the young adults group at my brothers church on Thursday - the 4:12. It was open mic, a BBQ, dancing, a skit, fellowship, and like a mini sermon, but it was a powerful one. I didn't take the adequate time I needed to think about the implications that the sermon had on my life.

The pastor talked about hunger. Physical hunger like when you crave chocolate or normal food. You need sustenance, so you eat. You start to feel light headed and your stomach growls, and you know it's probably time to eat. So you do. Or even just a specific kind of food that you may see on tv or see someone else with and you're like "I want that!" His example of some food he was craving was some fried chicken, but not just any fried chicken, but from a specific place from where he grew up. Haha. But then he talked about spiritual hunger. A hunger that you don't always know what it is right away, but you seek to fill it. Like, if you feel lonely. Or something like that. The pastor went on to say that a lot of us get caught this way.

He talked about how sometimes God allows Satan to tempt us to make us stronger and to test our faith (It makes me think of Job in the Bible). But Satan won't just waste this opportunity, no. He works to create a hunger in us, then offers a solution that looks like it would be good, but we find out otherwise. For example, you might be sitting there one night. No one's called you all day. No emails from friends. No text messages, nothing and Satan whispers in your ear "psssst. Don't you wish someone would call you today? Don't you feel lonely? pssst! Don't you wish you were engaged like so in so? (Women fall for this a lot) Don't you wish you had somebody who loved you? You want a relationship. You need a relationship!" The pastor even gave the example of sexual impurity for people. And thus the hunger is created. But it doesn't stop there. Then Satan offers a solution that looks good but it's sin. People will get in bad relationships for the sake of relationships. Instead of being patient with who God has and will settle for something less and go farther in a relationship then they mean to and it results in sin -- all the while thinking that this will satisfy that hunger and find out it doesn't. Another example is you're broke. Bills to pay and no money to pay. And Satan will whisper "pssst. Pssst! Don't you wish you could have money? Don't you wish you had that car? Don't you wish you had that house? Don't you wish you had those new clothes? You want that stuff. You need more stuff" And then he offers the solution to go spend money that you don't have...credit cards and rent money and buy those material things that he says you need and you stop trusting God and get into a lot of trouble and sin.

The pastor said that we get tempted then fall because we're not spiritually full--meaning fully satisfied in Christ and trusting him for our needs. He says that when you have just ate you full at dinner and then watch tv and see an add for some really good food, it doesn't matter to you. You're not hungry. You don't even want to look at food because you're physically full. The same with spiritual fullness. When we're spiritually full and Satan tries to whisper in your ear that you're lonely or weary of staying pure, or wish you had more stuff, you won't even want to hear it because you know God satisfies you like nothing else can or ever will. It's the times when we skip our devos and skip praying, and/or kinda back up from God - and it may even be a subtle thing - that when we're tempted we give in to that temptation. Satan even did this with Jesus when he was fasting in the wilderness 40 days and nights, figuring that he had Jesus alone. "Pssst. Turn that rock into bread to satisfy your hunger!" etc. - except Satan didn't realize that Jesus, while he was fasting in the wilderness, was using all that time to get filled up on God, so when Satan tempted him, Jesus wasn't even trying to hear it and was able to fight off that temptation because of this.

There is so much more I can go into this and I'm not even sure I've explained it well enough but it touched my life. Like, sometimes I would wonder why all of a sudden I would feel a certain way about something even though before it didn't bother me. It wasn't even a want yesterday and now all of a sudden I feel like I need this or that. The hunger is created and when I'm dissatisfied with God and holding him at arms length...or when I'm upset with God I tend to seek fulfillment somewhere else with worldly things that will never satisfy. And then I wonder what happened and how I got so far from God.

Food for thought.

Now, I must try to get some sleep again.

A Job?

2008-07-01T11:07:00.003-04:00

SO, I have a job now. I start on Monday. It's working at a Framing and Design Shop so that should be fun. It's related to art and I get a huge discount and possible venue to sell my artwork in Michigan and Ohio. The only stink thing is that it doesn't pay nearly enough. We're talking almost minimum wage for a full time job. Huh? So, i need to find another job as well. I have bills to pay and a trip to NZ to save up for. But I am happy to at least have a job after two months of nothing. Praise God!

www.framesunlimited.com

The Story of My Life

2008-06-27T01:18:00.000-04:00

In the narrow hallway, then in [her] own small room, unpacking [her] bag, [Cara] had a strange sense of disappointment... For a long moment, she did not quite know where she was. The cracked and yellowed paint on the ceiling, the cramped room, the window framed by limp curtains and itself framing a view over rooftops to the flat surfaces of distant buildings, the sulfurous sky...everything looked dingy. [Cara] felt the little house pressing close around her... [She] concentrated on folding close in around herself the remembered contentment of [New Zealand], like armor against---she couldn't name it, but it threatened her.

"A Solitary Blue" by Cynthia Voigt

anyway

2008-06-24T19:01:00.004-04:00

I'm reading this book about authentic relationships. Guess what the book's called...Authentic Relationships: discover the lost art of "one anothering" by Wayne Jacobson and Clay Jacobson. Amazing! I recommend. I read some of it before going to NZ...borrowed it from my young adults leader. I need to mail it to him, but I decided to read it again first, through the eyes of this new and changed "Cara" who is trying to be more open an honest.
In the book, I found this poem or saying or whatever it is that I though was real cool.

anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Stressed and I didn't know

2008-06-21T09:11:00.002-04:00

What is God doing?

I feel like the walls are crumbling around me.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

But I will try.

Walkin and Kinda Talkin

2008-06-16T10:16:00.003-04:00

I've decided that sometimes it's better to show something rather than explain it. Alas, a video of my cute little nephew, Alex. I love him!!! Enjoy.

The Search for Good Music

2008-05-29T18:54:00.005-04:00

Tiana and I were sitting here missing LifeFM in New Zealand and we decided to see if there are any radio stations stateside that play a variety of music by Christian artists - like rock, hip-hop, contemporary christian, worship, dance, gospel, funk, pop, ska, and local artists. And they have to play new/current music. Cleveland's radio stations are pretty much useless. Both FM stations play older music. For one station we looked at the entire playlist and found only 5 songs that were from last year - and 3 of them were remakes! None were from this year. What?! And the other station has played the exact same music for the past 5 years and again, none of it from this year that I have heard so far. Sad! SO, we decided to check online to see if any Christian station played a wide variety of styles on their stations. Results = none. Some will play worship. Others gospel. Others rock. Others techno. Other's contemporary Christian. Other's hip-hop. We have found these music stations to be quite segregated. What's the deal?

We found a UK station that played a variety of music and this is great. And of course, LifeFM in New Zealand does too. But in America, we are seriously lacking in that area - and no one seems to be interested in local up and coming artists!

So if you're in America and want to hear some great music and local Kiwi artists as well, listen to LifeFM online and be happy just like us!

Back Home - for real?

2008-05-26T08:21:00.002-04:00

Home. What is a home? I'm finally back in Ohio, but it doesn't feel like home. It's like my whole life here was so long ago. Ancient. And I'm just visiting.

I have changed a lot, yes. So I just need to balance the old and the new. Things are coming back to me about "home" and America, but I still see things where I'm like, woah! forgot that.

Moving back to mum's place is good, but not. Free rent for the time being, but after living on my own halfway across the world... and getting used to that...I'm not sure how long I can last here. I'm broke, so that settles it I suppose, but when I find a job, I have some serious thinking to do.

If I plan on going back to NZ soon (Jan 2009), which I do, I'll stay here and save up money, but if it may be Sept 2009, I may move in with a friend or something. I don't know. It really depends on how my sanity holds up. Haha.

Well, that's all the contemplating I care to do right now.

Cheers!

Homesickness?!

2008-05-16T12:28:00.003-04:00

Hey, so I think I've figured out why I've been so down lately - besides the whole re-entry thing that happens when you're away for a long time.

I'm not home yet. I'm in America, yes. But not home yet.

I consider New Zealand my home. And I also consider Ohio my home.

Right now I'm in South Carolina. You do the math.

When I'm in Hamilton, New Zealand- I miss Cleveland, Ohio. When I'm in Cleveland, Ohio - I miss Hamilton, New Zealand. When I'm in South Carolina - I miss Hamilton AND Cleveland. That's double the amount of missings!!!

I love being with my brother and sister in law and nephew, but I'm used to seeing them like once a year and having some kind of cash saved up to do things instead of mooching off of them. But I've seen my friends and church family in NZ rather constantly my whole year there. And my friends and family in Ohio even longer. And right now I'm not with any of them. Weird.

I'm homesick for 2 places!!!!

SO...I need to either go back home to NZ or go home to Ohio. None of this "in between" stuff!

If I don't go to one of my homes real soon, I'm going to go crazy! Hopefully I can last until Wednesday when I leave!

Oh yeah, and as of this weekend I will have been living out of a suitcase for a whole month. When we moved out of our flat in Hamilton, everything remained packed during our house sitting time. So, yes, all my clothes are wrinkled. Haha!

Okay-ish-ness

2008-05-12T09:39:00.002-04:00

I'm doing okay. Trying to shake this depression that came over me last week. There's just missing a place, and then there's depression. I won't get in to that. God's working on me. I'm better.

I've looked up a lot of stuff about how long I can stay in NZ since I can't do a working holiday again. Looks to be about 3 months if just did a normal holiday visa. Everything else requires a lot more that doesn't look like a realistic possibility for me and I'm not moving there permanently. It'll just be me saving up. I'm still going to try to get an artist grant, but those are usually for a month or so and don;t give out much. Art fellowships and sponsorships which are more serious income require more work than 7 months will allow, and are for professional artists who have been around for awhile...say 30 yrs in doing art professionally. Ha! So, we'll see. Maybe won't go back until September. Definitely don't want to go back during NZ's winter or during the V8s in April if I can help it!

So, I won't look into that much more right now.

I have loved spending time with my nephew, Alex. He is such a good baby. 14 months is a fun age. He can walk though he falls down a lot. He loves to smile and laugh. He speaks his own baby-ish language and can understand a lot from us. He's developing his imagination. He's pretty good about sleeping and eating. And he's soooooo cute!!! This past weekend, My bro and sis in law abandoned us with their child so they could speak the weekend away in Charlotte. (Their home is just on the border of South Carolina and North Carolina.) We actually offered to give them a break and take care of Alex and they were very excited. It's been so nice! They come back today.

I've been searching for art jobs in Cleveland. Cleveland.com. Monster.com. Indeed.com. Yahoo hotjobs. etc. Even though I'm not home yet, I still want to be searching early. I fly home on May 21st. I'll probably try to get a temp job right away to pay for some immediate bills and to get my art website up and running properly. I will also be going full on into my art. Painting will commence as soon as I return to Cleveland and get my easel from my other bro. Also, I have tons of art to sell and tons of amazing photography to print and sell. I'll be visiting galleries and coffee shops and wherever else to sell my art I will also see if I can hold a show somewhere. I need to make up new business cards and figure out set prices for my work, update my artist statement, etc, etc, etc. Busy busy. Any job I get on the side, I will try to keep it as art related as possible. I'll be talking to some artists as soon as I get home. My grandma has been meeting some artists and telling them about me and now I have "appointments" to go see them and tell them about NZ and get some connections, y'know? I'm starting to get real excited.

Maybe this is part of the reason I'm feeling better. Trusting God with future plans and just following him in what he wants me to do. He is so amazing!!!!

The Return

2008-05-04T23:22:00.003-04:00

Yes.

I'm back "home".

I'm really trying to be excited. I was very excited to see my brother and sis in law, and my Nephew Alex. He's great. So cute. So fun. So stubborn. Haha. I guess it's in our genes. This time in S. Carolina will be good for the re-adjustment to American culture.

See. Alex already loves his auntie.

Went to the airport on Sat with friends. It was really hard, but God kept my spirits up well enough. I didn't start crying until the middle of the night on the plane. I went in the airplane bathroom and lost it. Then was fine, until the next flight where I sat next to some family where Tiana and I swear we saw the father on some TV show (we were flying from LA). Tiana was in the seat in front of me, so I couldn't really talk to her. I started looking at some pictures of friends from NZ and got to about the second picture and I cried like a little girl for the whole flight. Good thing I had the window seat and the little girl next to me was asleep for most of the flight. I had a real good silent talk/argue/prayer time with God and by the time we were leaving the plane I was well enough. Geez. Who knew that a year abroad could have such a huge impact on my life? I'll never forget just looking back and seeing everyone waving goodbye. Some with smiles. Some with quietness. And everytime I looked back, they were still there. It was almost too much to handle. I can only imagine that the only reason I didn't break down and cry was because of God. It's such a vivid picture in my mind and it keeps replaying over and over like some scene from a movie.

I love New Zealand. I love my friends. I love CBC.

I miss it all very much.

But I love God even more and I go where He wants me to go. Right now I'm supposed to be back in America. And though I'm a little sad and wake up crying in the mornings, I'll be fine. It's good to be with family again. It's good to be back in America too, though it is quite an adjustment after living in New Zealand for a year. But most importantly, it's good to be doing what God wants me to do.

To his glory and honor.

Resolved.

2008-04-28T19:25:00.002-04:00

Resolved.

It's good to know that Jesus cares. I already knew it, but it's still good to be reminded.

Friendships restored. Heartbreaks getting healed. Preparation for the big move back to the states going okay. Drama down to a minimum.

All in all I feel pretty good.

I still don't want to leave New Zealand. C'mon! No offense to America, but New Zealand's got it going on.
But...
No offense to New Zealand, but America's already had it going on.
Haha.

What am I talking about?!

Hmm... someone's going to have to throw me onto that plane cause I don't think I'll be going willingly.

Goodbye BBQ on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not too, because it'll be like the 'final' goodbye. Some people I may never see again. Others I'll see in January 2009 when I hope to return. But I hope to stay connected to everyone cause I love them soooooooo much!

Cheers!

April Events

2008-04-27T18:59:00.004-04:00

So yeah, my posts were getting a bit too reflective. On to some happier stuff. Hangin' out with friends, every week, sometimes more than once a week. A good time can always be expected.

Hamilton Gardens, just chillin

Balloons over Waikato - we couldn't get the camera centered

Balloons over Waikato - Nightglow at Waikato University

Remember, I was supposed to do study abroad there?

Nightglow - Hot air Balloons, lit to the sound of movie soundtracks

Putt Putt golfing - this course was quite dull, but hangin out with friends was fun.

There were little teddy bears set up all over the course. It was quite lame.

The guys, checking their scores

Will the ball make it into the hole? I don't think it did.

The concert we went to during V8s weekend. It said Happy Hour 6-9. We weren't there for drinks. Haha. We wanted to see Radiator and Kissed by the Moon. Showed up a little after 6pm and the gates were closed and nothing opened. We waited at Starbucks for 3 hours, seeing some of the members from the bands come around 8pm and wait outside for an hour for people to unlock the door. We went in around 9pm. Concert started around 10pm. They need to work on getting their timing right. Sometimes they start on time, sometimes they start 4 hours later. Who knew?

Still growing

2008-04-27T04:43:00.003-04:00

So...

Apparently forgiveness is a daily practice.

Who knew?

Question is, how many times can a friend hurt you before they realize...or care...that they are? And how long does it take for a friend to stop acting like a jerk? And how long does it take before a good friendship is ruined?

And how long will it take before I stop crying?

But I read in proverbs today that we should "never abandon a friend." And I also read in Psalms that "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and rescues the crushed in spirit."

This is where I'm at. Totally confused, and hurt, and confused, and hurt, and leaving NZ in less than a week...wondering if this will be resolved before then.

Prayer please.

Forgiveness and the growth of Cara

2008-04-22T17:29:00.003-04:00

SO...the V8 car races are over. I won't get into it much. Cars were fast and loud. Fun, then not so much. Serving at church was real good. God worked in the midst of a whole lotta darkness. Read Tiana's blog for more info of how that worked.

Right now I'm learning about forgiveness. This weekend was real good and real bad and a friend screwed up big time. The world tells me that who cares if they are sinning about such in such, it's no big deal. My flesh is saying hate them and avoid them - 3 strikes and they're out. But God, he's saying - forgiveness. We are all human and struggle with sin. This friend fell this weekend. But God forgives him. And in my attitude about his sin, I fell this weekend- and maybe more so yesterday morning when I was heartbroken to see a good friend doing the very thing that pierces down to my very core.

Lust. Guys have it so hard in this world when it comes to that, and it seems that many of us women only encourage it in the way we dress and act and...yeah.

I was prepared to end a relationship over this person's struggle. Isn't that just like people? Just like the kinda Christians I can't stand who, when someone falls, shuns them and kicks them while they're down. God doesn't call us to be that way. God hates sin more than I do, yet he loves people and he helps them through their struggles. He's done this in my life so so SO many times. God calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven...and I have been forgiven much. I need to forgive and come alongside this friend with love, and help him through this struggle, and call him out when he needs to know how his "seemingly innocent" actions can offend his sisters in Christ. Sometimes people just need this to know that they are being wrong.

If I really care about him as a valued friend, I won't just ignore this, and walk away. Fly back to America and pretend that this person hasn't impacted every part of my life, and just drop it there- never to speak to him again. How harsh unforgiving would that be? How un-Christlike would that be? You don't sin in response to sin.

I would hope a friend would care enough about me to call me out when I'm in the wrong too.
And my sister has.

See? See how God is growing me every single moment of my life!

From the Desk of Cara at A.C.C.

2008-04-16T22:03:00.002-04:00

Yes, I'm writing from A.C.C. It's been a slow day today so, yea-ya!!

So, today is my last day at work. Am I excited? You betcha! But it's kind of a bitter sweet leaving. I'm not much of an "office" person, nor do I like to talk on the phone all day. My throat gets tired of talking. And why do you have to dress up at a call center? You're just talking on the phone!

But this also marks the very nearness of my time in New Zealand ending.

I don't wanna go back to America. I miss it terribly, but there's so much I'm involved with in New Zealand, and so many new friends that I've really connected with, and such an awesome church that I am so involved in, and it's so beautiful and sunny and green and yeah. But I miss my friends at home. And I miss my family. And I miss people from my church at home. And I miss lots of things. But it's going to be so different when I go home. Living in another country always means that you'll go through some kind of culture shock when you return home. Not looking forward to that.

These past few weeks we've really been hanging out with people constantly and it just makes it harder to go. And some people I'm going to really miss...not sure how I will cope..some very dear friends that I won't be seeing anymore. Can I convince everyone to get video skype?

When I go home, my plan is to save up for coming back to New Zealand in January, and I really mean to. But I have bills at home to pay, debts to pay off, an art career to fully begin. And life without New Zealand is no life at all, right.

I'm not looking forward to being bombarded with questions about how my experience was in New Zealand. How can I sum it up? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was amazing! God has grown me soooooo much. Will I seem different to others at home?

Because of the whole culture shock thing, I probably won't see most people until June. It'll give me some time to re-adjust to America. The first two weeks of May we'll be staying in South Carolina and visiting my brother and sister-in-law and my little nephew whom I haven't seen yet. After that we'll go back to Cleveland and meet up with some friends from New Zealand that have been travelling in a RV around America. Fun times. Then, I'll be over my shock and jet lag and can talk to everyone more normal-like.

Tiana and I moved all of our furniture out of our flat last night! We have such amazing friends who are so willing. We had to drop stuff off at three different houses and we began at 8:15pm, so it was fun. But it took us till about 10:30pm so that's not so bad. Our Life group leaders are going to throw a Goodbye Barbecue for us May 1st, so I guess we're staying until May 3rd. Haha I'll take it! It's so sad how empty our flat is, but it's funny because we didn't have a ton of stuff. Today after work, we're going to take the bus down to the Korean restaurant and have an early dinner (cause last night we didn't plan dinner and ended up having canned cream rice) and then we're going to go to the Warehouse and get a few cleaning materials, and go home and get to it. Hopefully we can clean most of the flat today and only have a little bit of the bathroom to worry about tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks the first day of the V8 races. I'm so excited. Me and Tiana have tickets!!! We got them discounted too. I'm not a huge fan of car races, but I saw the movie Cars, and I know they go fast. I played the video games. I'm heaps excited!!!! They built the whole racecourse circuit right near where we live. Our church is on the inside of the track, so we're serving the community and running a cafe. Today was the big Powhiti (Welcome) with the Maori King and there was some cancellations of the caterers last night so I know people at church were a little stressed. How do you cancel on the Maori King? This is like huge! The prime minister is supposed to be there too as well, to usher in the first of many V8 races in Hamilton for the years to come. NZ is definitely different from America. I'm so excited to help on Sat and Sun and just be real servants. God has opened up a tremendous opportunity!

As of Today

2008-04-12T00:40:00.003-04:00

I only have a few weeks left in New Zealand, and I am devistated. But I'll be fine. I miss America too. Kind of.

This week God laid it on my heart to do a prayer walk around the track that is for the V8 races here in Hamilton. Yes ladies and gents, we will be hosting a huge race car race around our city next weekend. Fun times.

It was such a good time of prayer with a few people from church. 36,000 extra people from all over the world will be in our city for this. Our church sits right inside the track, so we will be serving the community for this event and hosting something with the Maori king. I suppose the prime minister will be there too. It's such a good opportunity to reach these people who may not usually be crossing paths with us. What a great opportunity to be like Jesus to them! It's exciting, but can be very stressful. I won't get into now, but there's a lot to pray for with this.

It was so good. Talking with God is soooo good.

Tonight, I'll be going to Nightglow at University of Waikato. This past week has been Balloons over Waikato - hot air balloons. We saw them launch as were waiting for our bus at the bus stop every morning. There's some cool shapes too. One of the ballons was a Darth Vador head. Haha!!! Anyways, tonight is like the final festivities and there's music, and the balloons will be on the ground with lights shining on them, and there will be fireworks. All in all, it sounds quite cool. I'll take some pictures and put the in the next post.

But right now, I need to do some art!

2008-04-03T05:44:00.003-04:00

Fun times in the last few weeks...

Touch Rugby Tournament - I cheered our team on

Stations of the Cross Art Installations at the Hamilton Gardens with friends. Sokun took this picture, but we never got one with her in it. Awesome artpieces!

Easter Weekend - We bought Callalillies

Easter Service was amazing!

Easter Weekend - borrowed a car and went to Mt. Maungatautari. Not much of a mount, but we were straight up in the country. We've missed it these last few months without a car.

Easter Weekend - Hamilton Gardens in the daytime- Lovely -This is the Italian Garden

Easter - Waihi Beach - Keeping with our holiday tradition of going to the beach

Last Weekend we went with friends to see a rugby game and hang out. Chiefs (our team) won, randomly ended up seeing part of the Hamilton Gospel choir at the Salvation Army on our way to dinner, and ate some delicious Indian food. But I didn't have a camera!!

I'm gonna miss New Zealand and hanging out with my kiwi (and Canadian) mates.

Until next time...

Yeah yeah yeah...no

2008-03-16T04:29:00.003-04:00

It's not everyday that you get a ride home from two former Olympic BMX racers who are quite interested in "misplacing" orange cones in your empty parking space for kicks.
Oh the laughs.

Last week was a rough week. But it forced me to talk to God rather constantly. Nothing wrong with that. Lots of questions. Lots of "wait" answers. Hmm...

This will be better only because of the grace of God and his teaching me how to pray. This week is a week for focusing on other peoples prayer needs and less on myself and my wants and me me me. Other people are hurting and although I need this constant prayer time with God, I can use it to pray for others too...more than I have been. SO.....

I'll be praying "BIG" this week.

And I will still be praying about the other, rather intense, situation of last week and this week and for however long it needs prayer for.... but not from my view of it, but for the, ah... other...um...yeah.

Oh, and I love my kiwi church very, very much.
Why must I go back to America again?

To sum up my week....

2008-03-15T04:56:00.006-04:00

(These) Lonely Places

by Cara

Feels like
Shadows
Closing in
On me

Heartbreak
I've played the game
Now shadows
Are creeping

So many times
In different places
So many times
On me

Shadows why do you seek me?
Why are you following through my room?
Where am I supposed to run to
If you are always waiting there too?

"Shadows!", love screams:
"Leave me, in some peace!"
"Shadows, go away
And, give me some release!"

Feels like
Shadows
Closing in
On me

Heartbreak
I've played the game
Now shadows
Are creeping

So many times
In different places
So many times
On me

Slightly delayed -- apologies

2008-03-04T23:28:00.004-05:00

Uh oh.

It's been awhile.

That's how you know I really have a job.

I work at a call center for ACC - New Zealand's nationwide health insurance - unique only to NZ
In other words, I work for the government.

I have a headset, two computer screens, a corner of a make-shift cubicle decorated with as much fabric, art, and quotes that I can fit on two small square bulletin boards. Hmm. I try.

I'm surviving. It's not half bad. It 'ain't have good neither', but it'll do. Hehe.

I'll get into it more later. Right now, I'm getting over a bad cold and I need to take a nap.

I miss Mexican restaurants.
And I hope mom is recovering okay from surgery.

Late-Breaking News

2008-02-14T21:59:00.004-05:00

This just in...

...Cara gets a job.

On to the next prayer request:

To have a car, or not to have a car. That is the question.

What can I say?

2008-02-12T20:57:00.000-05:00

SO...

How do I follow a post like that?

I obviously was upset. I still am, I suppose. But I keep having my many intense conversations with God and letting Him give me peace.

Okay, so I'm broke, in debt, and unsure about my future? So what?

It's not the end of the world.

Meanwhile, I'm turning out some sweet-as art...

Y'know, sweet-as-sugar. Good-as-gold. I'm gonna get into trouble using Kiwi slang when I go back home.

A Vent to beat all Vents

2008-02-10T23:59:00.000-05:00

New Zealand temp agencies are the most unprofessional and unreliable wastes of time in the history of my experience! I have never seen such lack of care or responsibility in all of my cognitive life.

A word to the masses...

If you plan to do a working holiday in New Zealand, save up all the money you will need for the whole time you're here. That way you don't have to be bothered in dealing with any sort of job here. It'd be a real stress-saver.

Meanwhile, Tiana's lovely job that she's been working for over a week, and her temp agency, so kindly told her that they can't pay her this week because they didn't collect her bank details in time (an no one asked her for them in all this time), and she finally inquired about it before this Thursdays pay date, only to find that it's too late. Now we can't pay rent or buy groceries this week. And there's no credit card to the rescue because we're both almost on $0 and can't even pay our bills.

There comes a breaking point when enough is enough.

And I've just reached it.

I can't wait to go home.