Yeah yeah yeah...no

It's not everyday that you get a ride home from two former Olympic BMX racers who are quite interested in "misplacing" orange cones in your empty parking space for kicks.
Oh the laughs.

Last week was a rough week. But it forced me to talk to God rather constantly. Nothing wrong with that. Lots of questions. Lots of "wait" answers. Hmm...

This will be better only because of the grace of God and his teaching me how to pray. This week is a week for focusing on other peoples prayer needs and less on myself and my wants and me me me. Other people are hurting and although I need this constant prayer time with God, I can use it to pray for others too...more than I have been. SO.....

I'll be praying "BIG" this week.

And I will still be praying about the other, rather intense, situation of last week and this week and for however long it needs prayer for.... but not from my view of it, but for the, ah... other...um...yeah.


Oh, and I love my kiwi church very, very much.
Why must I go back to America again?

To sum up my week....

(These) Lonely Places

by Cara

Feels like
Shadows
Closing in
On me

Heartbreak
I've played the game
Now shadows
Are creeping

So many times
In different places
So many times
On me


Shadows why do you seek me?
Why are you following through my room?
Where am I supposed to run to
If you are always waiting there too?

"Shadows!", love screams:
"Leave me, in some peace!"
"Shadows, go away
And, give me some release!"


Feels like
Shadows
Closing in
On me

Heartbreak
I've played the game
Now shadows
Are creeping

So many times
In different places
So many times
On me

Slightly delayed -- apologies

Uh oh.

It's been awhile.

That's how you know I really have a job.

I work at a call center for ACC - New Zealand's nationwide health insurance - unique only to NZ
In other words, I work for the government.

I have a headset, two computer screens, a corner of a make-shift cubicle decorated with as much fabric, art, and quotes that I can fit on two small square bulletin boards. Hmm. I try.

I'm surviving. It's not half bad. It 'ain't have good neither', but it'll do. Hehe.

I'll get into it more later. Right now, I'm getting over a bad cold and I need to take a nap.





I miss Mexican restaurants.
And I hope mom is recovering okay from surgery.

Late-Breaking News

This just in...

...Cara gets a job.

:)

On to the next prayer request:

To have a car, or not to have a car. That is the question.

What can I say?

SO...

How do I follow a post like that?

I obviously was upset. I still am, I suppose. But I keep having my many intense conversations with God and letting Him give me peace.

Okay, so I'm broke, in debt, and unsure about my future? So what?

It's not the end of the world.

Meanwhile, I'm turning out some sweet-as art...

Y'know, sweet-as-sugar. Good-as-gold. I'm gonna get into trouble using Kiwi slang when I go back home.

A Vent to beat all Vents

New Zealand temp agencies are the most unprofessional and unreliable wastes of time in the history of my experience! I have never seen such lack of care or responsibility in all of my cognitive life.

A word to the masses...

If you plan to do a working holiday in New Zealand, save up all the money you will need for the whole time you're here. That way you don't have to be bothered in dealing with any sort of job here. It'd be a real stress-saver.

Meanwhile, Tiana's lovely job that she's been working for over a week, and her temp agency, so kindly told her that they can't pay her this week because they didn't collect her bank details in time (an no one asked her for them in all this time), and she finally inquired about it before this Thursdays pay date, only to find that it's too late. Now we can't pay rent or buy groceries this week. And there's no credit card to the rescue because we're both almost on $0 and can't even pay our bills.


There comes a breaking point when enough is enough.

And I've just reached it.






I can't wait to go home.

Title: I can't think of one. Ha!

Since the last entry was rather morose, I decided I'd begin this blog with three random
things I enjoy.

1) Eating Dal (exotically flavored lentils) and Indian curry rice is one of my favorite things
ever. Today.

2) Cheese and crackers is very important in my life. Camembert, Brie, Edam, etc. All good. All yum.

3) Eating a salad with leaf lettuce, capsicum (green or red bell pepper), ripe, sliced avocado, onion, and cubed feta cheese all topped with a sprinkle of balsamic vinegar is absolutely lovely. Sometimes if I used marinated feta cheese, I don't need any dressing. My, how my tastes have changed. Three months ago I hated most salads (except for those at Aladdin's Eatery). Thanks to a Canadian, an American, and a Kiwi (all living in New Zealand), I now love salads with these toppings together, and even some others. I eat a salad regularly now. Like, a few times a week. Ha! Crazy World!

Being constantly broke has meant that I eat healthier. In New Zealand, fresh fruits and
fresh veggies are a lot cheaper than America. Go figure.


Parachute Music Festival was AMAZING! We got to see some great NZ bands (Lieutenant Funk, Radiator, Spacifix, Calling Elijah) and American bands (Switchfoot, Jonezetta, Red). Fun times! We even walked through a WorldVision tent that documented the true stories of three young children living in Africa in poverty and the threat of A.I.D.S. Each person going through the tent gets a mp3 audio story of one of the kids and follows their lives and whether or not they get A.I.D.S. and how they were helped. Very powerful and very eye opening.

Lieutenant Funk

Radiator

Red

Jonezetta

Calling Elijah

Our pastor took us with his family on a Saturday Evening. The festival was four days long. We couldn't afford to go even though we had been looking forward to it for months, and then out of the blue, Campbell said he was taking us with his family. There was massive amounts of excitement going on in our flat! We had already circled the bands we wanted to see on Saturday, way back in November, so we were already set. We couldn't see Rapture Ruckus (I'm sad), or our friends in the Holy Rollers, but we've seen them a lot so we're good. Maybe we can catch Rapture Ruckus before we leave. Who knows.

Tiana and Campbell's family looking down at Parachute

Life FM - Live from Parachute. I think Jase was in there.

They said no crowd surfing, but they instituted this little contest...

In other news...

We had a close call last week. A serious decision. We almost had to make the decision to leave Hamilton cause we're running low on cash, and we weren't hearing from temp agencies, We had no clear direction from God about if we should move to the South Island and work on a fruit farm to save up money to go home or try to wait it out in Hamilton, hoping for a temp agency to call. Either way, God is good.
And he apparently wants us to stay in Hamilton.
Tiana got a job. At a call center through a temp agency that should last the rest of our time here.
Amazing.

Prayer and more prayer.

I suppose I'm growing.

Hmm...
I still need a job.

I called one of the agencies, today, just to check up on things and I was sternly and promptly brushed off. I was told by...um... let's call her 'Natalie', that, yes, she had received my CV (I didn't ask) and it was on file blah blah blah, but that there are just other people that are way more important to deal with and take priority over anyone new blah blah blah, and that she's busy blah blah blah so basically, stop calling and asking for an interview and maybe she'll get back to me if she has the time or care. The ol' "don't call us, we'll call you" speech in a rather rude and unprofessional delivery.

Typical.

I could have easily lost it on the phone. My temper is a struggle everyday, but I remained professional and calm. And wondered why they advertise that they have tons of temp jobs available and need new people everyday, and yet it took me 4 weeks to actually get a hold of 'Natalie" who deals with the temp work and realized that she was well aware of who I was and just really could care less about me.

I sent 3 separate emails with my CV (Resume) because I didn't hear back from 'Natalie' after the first and was told from my sister who got a prompt interview with her, that she didn't receive it, so I tried again. Still no word, so I tried from another email address and gave specific instructions to be emailed back when the email was received. I got a prompt answer back and was told I would get a phone call in a couple of days. One week later I call, and leave a message with a secretary for 'Natalie' to call me back. That was about 5 days ago. I call again today and am finally put through, only to be mildly insulted.

Ha. Well. Humans are humans all over the world. What can I do?


Temp agencies in New Zealand. I highly recommend. Really. If you have all the time in the world, perhaps they'll get back to you...
...in a few months
....or years.
And if you're an artist...well...
Don't hold your breath.

My Chaos

Big decisions need to be made by tomorrow.

Oh joy...

...not so much.

A Storm's A Brewin'

I know I should be worried, but right now I'm just not. I can't explain it. I feel like the disciples on the boat with Jesus, and while he was asleep, a great storm came and the disciples feared for their very lives.

There is a storm going on all around me. No money. No Job. No direction. And some days I freak out like the disciples and cry out to God: "Master! Master! I'm going to drown!", hanging on for dear life. And other days, like today, I'm just kinda here. I don't feel peaceful. But I know that it's out of my control. I can't force people to hire me. I can't force money to fall into my lap. I can't force anything. God knows what's going on. He is not asleep. He knows.

"Where is your faith?"
Luke 8:25a

30 things I miss about home

Tiana and I were sitting on the couch discussing things that we missed about home, so I decided to write them down.


1)Aladdins Eatery- I could really go for a chicken chili with feta and Cheddar, chicken mishwi salad, or kafta plate

2)Chipotle (or Mexican food in General)- Chicken burrito, umm umm good, or any number of other Mexican foods that I miss so much

3)Teresa's Pizza, Rascal House, Papa Johns (or any pizza place) - Buffalo wings, Large and X-Large pizzas (that are actually large) with tons of cheese and toppings and cheezy bread

4)Fridays & Applebees - good food at a lower prices, great atmosphere, i miss i miss!

5)Olive Garden, Macaroni Grill - Calamari, the real kind and yummy Italian food!

6)Coldstone Creamery - because it's just genius. Ice cream hand mixed with cake and brownie and other goodness. You can't lose.

7)Egg Nog-There's none to be found here

8)Hunan East, Lee Wah's, and even Amazing Wok Chinese Food - cause Chinese food in NZ is just gross.

9)Bombay Sitar - the best Indian food that I've ever had

10)Grums- The best subs. Ever. Jimmy Johns is pretty good too.

11)Wings and fried chicken places. KFC, Popeyes, Mr. Chicken, BW3's, Whitmores... Nuff Said.

12)Birthday Cakes. Cream cheese icing or normal butter cream icing. Yum...NOT Sponge cake like here in NZ! Yuck!

13)Yellow Cheddar cheese, and monteray jack, colby, peper jack, etc cheeses that don't exist here.

14)A & W cream soda and root beer, for floats and overall goodness.

15) Canada Dry Ginger Ale, and Clearly Canadian flavored water.

16)Ice Cream sandwiches

17)Starbucks on every corner, seriously

18)Bookstores- Barnes and Noble, Borders, with a cafe inside

19)Movie Theaters and $1 movies - I never knew how good we had it until I paid $15nzd here.

20)I miss my DVD player and Record exchange discount movies, and Region 1 films

21)Libraries where you can rent movies and books and music for FREE

22)Apartments that automatically come with refrigerators and washing and drying machines/facilities, and heaters

23)Current seasons of TV shows- I sick of being 6 months behind America, not that I watched much TV at home

24)Unlimited Broadband

25)Free Mobile to Mobile calling and free nights and weekends--oh, and being able to use my cell phone

26)Driving on the right side of the road, and the wheel being on the left side of the car

27)My art pieces and my easel

28)My Nintendo 64

29)My Keyboard

30)My Bed- so soft and comfortable


So yeah. There's a lot I miss about home. There's tons more I can add. However, when I go home, they'll be a lot I'll miss about New Zealand too. Go figure.

Freedom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finished working at The Warehouse yesterday. I am extremely happy. I, well...um...hated it. Completely. There is nothing that I can think of that I will miss...except, perhaps, the paycheck, though since I only worked Saturdays and some Wednesdays, there isn't much of a paycheck to miss.

I don't get it. People were annoyed when I said that I didn't like my job, but they're the ones who asked me how I liked it. What was I supposed to do, lie? I was thankful for having a job, but c'mon! As if I was supposed to LOVE standing on my feet for 9 hours with one half hour lunch, and 2 unevenly spaced and sometimes forgotten 15 minute breaks! As if I'm supposed to love the monotonous job of scanning item after item and dealing with crabby customer after crabby customer and the questions of "Where are you from?," "Do you like America or New Zealand better?", and, "Are you staying forever?" about every 5 mins, which, I must say, after being here for 8 months, gets kinda old. And my "supervisors" who, if I so much as breathed an extra breath, tell me to "get back to work" or "look busy" no matter if the customer I was serving just left .000000001 seconds ago, or if I'm trying to help a lost child get to someone with an intercom..a.k.a. one of the supervisors. Ha!

People try to tell me that my job isn't that bad. Well, it ain't that good either. It just means that the person who's telling me this has a higher enjoyment for this kind of work. Or that working at the Warehouse is 1mm up from worse work. Or it probably also means that they're not working the job that I am so it's all talk. Hmm...

I've come to realize that I don't like working in retail. It's not particular stores, or stores in a particular country, it's just the retail. In fact, I don't like retail or office jobs. I like art. I want to do art. Is that so hard to understand? My mind isn't mentally stimulated in retail work, and most office work is incredibly dull to me. I'm an artist!! Too much time spent on the left side of the brain could easily kill me! But I figure, in choosing between finding another retail job, and doing temp work in an office--they're both horrible, but temp work tends to pay more. So temping, here I go.


I'm broke. Under $100 left on my credit card, barely any money in the bank, and bill after bill due. I'm up a creek. Whatever that means. Anyway...prayer please.


But God is still good.

Christmas in the Sun

Christmas was amazing in New Zealand. More laid back, yet more busy, yet less busy-ness. It's definately more laid back here and many people seem like they aren't so concerned with huge fancy meals and perfect decorations, etc, etc. Just having fun! And since it's summer, I think people are more active.

Hmm...

I suppose I should start with this past Sunday.

Sunday

Church--great message through the use of 3 short skits that Tiana wrote depicting different types of situations people may be in at Christmas: The first depicted a newlywed couple/grieving couple celebrating their first Christmas away from family and coping with being alone without all of their family and traditions. The second depicted a wealthy couple only interested in expensive gifts from others. The third depicted a poorer family who spent too much money on gifts that they didn't have and this led to arguements. Campbell used these examples to deliver an awesome message! It was great with a keen Kiwi flare.

That night Tiana and I went to a friends' birthday BBQ out in the country which = fun times and great conversations. Good on ya!

Monday- Christmas Eve

Lunch and Movies at Chris and Janine's (our Bible Study leaders) house with their kids. Their house and surrounding land is absolutely beautiful! Then we chilled at home and baked cookies, ate Korean food, and watched tv Christmas Specials . Yay!

Tuesday - Christmas Day

We drove to Waihi Beach on the East coast (S. Pacific Ocean) and opened gifts, Barbequed, and relaxed in the sun while everywhere else had rain.

Then we came back to Hamilton for Christmas Tea (dinner) at Chris and Janine's parents house. Another BBQ! It was so much fun!!!We even got gifts! We played games with their kids and just relaxed. We ended up leaving very late.

Wednesday - Boxing Day

Tiana and I decided to make our Christmas dinner (Turkey and all the fix-ins) since it was actually Christmas for America. (Time change, NZ is 18 hours ahead of Ohio)

Then we went over another friend's house for a BBQ and games, and a campfire, and fun!!

So you see, even through we were so far from home and family and missed them very much, we were able to have a great time with newer friends and our church family. I have to admit...I miss the snow and holiday feel of America, but I definately can dig this more laid back Kiwi style of doing things. And the beaches and BBQ's...very nice!

And for your viewing enjoyment, here are some pictures!

This is from the Christmas Parade we saw a few weeks ago where Santa said "HAHA HAAAA! Happy Christmas" and it was hilarious!

These snowman looked very sad. Maye they were melting in the heat and rain.

Nothing says "Christmas" like the Simpsons? Hmm...

Tiana and I watching our friends, "The Holy Rollers" at the Yellow Submerine. Fun times!

Beautiful New Zealand Country at Chris and Janine's House.

Good times with friends at the beach one Sunday afternoon!

Making Christmas cookies with Tiffany. Sugar, Gingerbread, and Shortbread.

Our Christmas Tree before we put Candy Canes on it. There are lights on it too, but they are so dim!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Oh No! Not Tony Again...

Is it actually possible that this guy is following me around? Seriously! I don't really like this guy. And yet he has ended up everywhere I go. Jubilee Conference. Malone College. Lancaster, Pennsylvania when I was randomly flipping through tv stations and I found him on CNN. And now in New Zealand at the Parachute Music Festival in January 2008. Why?!!


Tony Campolo.

Why?

Actually, he's not a horrible guy, it's just ...some things that are unbiblical that he goes around saying. Sometimes he has some good points, sometimes he doesn't. It's hit or miss, but him in New Zealand???? This is a bit far from his normal comings and goings.

Arrrggghhhhh!!!! When will it end? =P

That's all. =)

Arrrggghhhh! and FYI #9 Summertime

I was really missing home again today. It's crazy, but when I really thought about it, I realized that I've been here in New Zealand for 7 1/2 months! I'm adjusted here, and I like the December summer, but it doesn't beat family, and Cleveland's snow storms, and lots of Christmas lights, and eggnog, and baking cookies without having to worry about humidity, and New Years Parties with friends. Though I must admit that having a picnic at the Hamilton Gardens with friends after church was nice. Strawberries in December! Go figure. Baking cookies was also good, though it was so warm that we had to keep sticking the cookie dough in the fridge so we could cut the shapes out. The butter in the dough must have kept melting or something. And ordering Korean food was great!!! Overall, my SUnday with friends was just what I needed.

Arrrgghhhh!!!

I'm both comfortable here in New Zealand and in America!! People keep asking me if I'll stay. And others are asking when I'll come home. I don't know! If I can't find a job soon, I'll be coming home sooner, though I don't forsee that right now. Otherwise, my visa expires in 4 1/2 months. So...yeah. Life without New Zealand...Life without America...Why must I choose?


FYI #9 Summertime

Summertime in New Zealand is December thru February. This means beaches, BBQ's, sunny skies, warmth, strawberries, picnics, flowers, fishing, cricket, touch rugby, walks, and summer fun during the Holidays.

Just thought you should know.

Jigga what?

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me. A lot has happened. What can I say? I miss home and the familiar terribly. I miss friends and family, especially during this holiday season...and here it's summer, so it makes this holiday season somehow unauthentic, though I know this is a normal occurrence in the southern hemisphere. It's just that most of the world is in Winter. And boy do I miss those snow cold days in Ohio, where the blue sky is hidden behind a grey curtain of cloud and weeps it's snow upon the expectant northerners.

To be home... decorating the Christmas tree, drinking Swiss Miss hot chocolate with normal marshmallows. Christmas cookies. Sledding. Christmas concerts and plays. Christmas lights on houses. Barnes & Noble Booksellers and falling in love with books all over again. Christmas specials on TV. American Chinese food for Christmas Eve. Family...

But no, I'm on my own in the harsh world of "adultness" and "life." Well...maybe not on my own since my sis is here too, but you get my point.

What's up?

About four weeks ago I had to choose between a job at "The Warehouse"(like walmart) and a job at "Pumpkin Patch Kids." It was a hard choice. I hadn't had an official offer from Pumpkin Patch when the Warehouse called, so I took the position there. The next day Pumpkin Patch calls, and I turn down the job since I already was offered the other one. I was also under the impression that I would have the opportunity to work the rest of my time in NZ at The Warehouse, so it seemed cool. But I should've known better. I was offered two days a week at Warehouse with one of the days being late at night, with the knowledge that I could add more hours when I went in. At Pumpkin Patch I was offered 3 days a week in Nov, then 5 days a week in Dec-Feb. Why did I choose the Warehouse? I have no idea.

When I interviewed at The Warehouse, I told them I may not have a car since we're borrowing a car from someone, so night shifts wouldn't be good. Of course they didn't listen and scheduled me for a late night. It was okay since I still had a car. Until now. We have to give our car back this week, so I am unable to work one of my days since I can only go by the bus schedule. I tried to talk to the managers about switching hours/ and adding hours but they said that their daytime hours were full and they actually have too many workers that they hired. But they said they can call me if people cancelled. However, I was called up to the office today because they said that I wasn't on the roster to work. I told them that I was filling in for a girl who needed someone to work for her. They said that it wasn't authorized and they didn't know of anyone who asked to have someone work for them, so they told me to go home. But the girl I was working for had told this manager that she couldn't come in and the manager told her to find someone to work for her because they didn't feel it was their job to call people. Wait. So...the girl, who is also new to working at The Warehouse, did exactly what they said, and they conveniently forgot, even though it's the manager's job to find a person as was told to me today. Typical.. So, I went home, after working just 3.5 hours. Of course I wondered why it took them so long to tell me that I had to leave. Hmm... Needless to say, I was pretty upset coming home. I had been looking for a second job the past few weeks and it's almost impossible to find a job now that doesn't require me to work on a Saturday. So, as of today.,I've been applying for jobs and saying that I am available Mon-Sat, and when I get another job, I'll have to quit The Warehouse.

I really don't like switching jobs so much, but I have bills to pay...which I don't have enough money to pay right now. And to top it off, I had a person who wanted to buy an artpiece from me for $110NZD and then I called to asked her when she wanted me to bring it to me and she seemed confused, and then she kinda remembered and said that she changed her mind.

Is this to be my life? Seriously...a starving artist who doesn't even have enough money to send Christmas gifts home that she bought months ago? Who has to pick and choose who she sends Christmas cards to? Whose credit card is alarmingly close to being maxed out? Whose hope of finding a job dwindles day by day as the temp agencies tell her their going on holiday and won't be open again until January and other jobs are weary of hiring someone who will be going home in 5 months. It's quite depressing. And I'm angry and very emotional. But I will not turn my back on God. I refuse to. He's all I have and he knows my needs. And he cares about me (1 Peter 5:7, Matt 6:25-34). He brought me here to this country of high price and few jobs. He will provide.

I could really use your prayers too.

Pumpkin Pie Anyone?

Whilst looking up a few recipies for Thanksgiving, my sis and I came across this little article about how some New Zealanders (affectionately known as Kiwi's) feel about Pumpkin Pie. Actually, I probably shouldn't generalize for the whole population, but the article generalizes for Americans so we're even. Read on.


Got Pie?
August 08, 2007 15:02
http://www.critic.co.nz/about/food/18


"Pumpkin pie is a mysterious entity. Celebrated in the states, here pumpkin pie is ignored by both Alison Holst and the Edmonds cookbook – clearly, it is a long way from threatening the pavlova as a kiwi staple. Who would make a sweet pie out of a vegetable anyway? Of course, pumpkin is technically a fruit, so maybe the yanks are right to bake it with a Belgium biscuit type spice combo and serve with cream. The problem with trying to make such an American classic though, is that Americans define ‘home baking’ a little differently from us. If you look up pumpkin pie recipes on the net, they often start with a can of pumpkin purée, to which you add a packet of pumpkin pie spice, then bake in a shell of ready-rolled short pastry. This version is from scratch, and you should be able to make it without buying any special ingredients."



Ha ha. Well, not "all Americans" define the can as making a pumpkin pie "from scratch". No one really wants to smash up a pumpkin unless we have to. But the can is easier if you want a fresh taste without the mess, so, yeah. I laughed.

A lot.

Mindless Thoughts and Thinkings

"Give all your worries and cares to God for he cares about what happens to you." 1 Peter 5:7

I've been trying to live daily with this verse in my heart. It's one of my favorite verses in the Bible and so important for me to remember. For some odd reason, I seem to have forgotten it for the past two years, but God brought it before me again. Through a song on an old CD that I had by Michelle Tumes. It's funny how he uses things. Hmm.

I'm missing home a lot. Family. Friends. Fried Chicken and greens. The ease of things, or so I imagine. Being far away from the familiar tends to lead to false views of what the familiar was like. Hmm...

Tiana and I will be making crafts tomorrow for our upcoming Thanksgiving Day. Construction paper cut-outs of pumpkins, leaves, and Turkeys. Exciting! Although it's Spring in New Zealand, we shall be celebrating the bright fall of Ohio for the next week. Since it's not celebrated in New Zealand, we're pretty much on our own. We had toyed with the idea of having people over and having a fun hang-out and American holiday day with friends, but there's a lot going on this week (Outreach night) and next week( Art show, Tiana's B-day, Induction into our new jobs) that we'll just chill on our own and make a small feast and praise God.

After thanksgiving, we'll put up Christmas decorations, though you will be surprised to know that some people here have had theirs up since October. Good thing we'll be working at the Warehouse (like walmart). We can get discounts on decorations!

That's all for now.

Places we've been in New Zealand

In staying up late last night and wasting time, I decided to mark all of the places where Tiana and I have been in New Zealand thus far. It's quite amazing actually! So far we've only traveled through the North Island:

The big, bright red dot is Hamilton, where we live. The small red dots are the places we've been. Not too shabby if I do say so myself =) New Zealand is small, but not that small. It takes awhile to get from Hamilton to Wellington at the bottom. Like 7 hrs or something. And Hamilton is in the middle of the North Island. We still have Northland to explore (the top)!!

Below is the map of the whole of New Zealand (North & South Islands). As you see, we still have a long way to go these next 6 months. There still the whole South Island!!!

The enemy within

I have been jobless now for over two months. My time is occupied with finding one, contemplating life, getting together an outreach night with my Bible Study group, and working on massive art pieces for church. Stretched doesn't even begin to express the way I feel. But bored does. Weird, I know. I have tons to do but a sort of lifelessness about it.

It's my heart. The heart of my being. My art. It's suffering. My special worship to God is suffering. My confidence is waning. I feel incapable to do any type of art whatsoever. It's a kind of depression. It grabs ahold of my very soul and it sucks the life out of me. It's Spring in New Zealand!! Spring always excites me, yet I feel nothing.

I think a lie must have been whispered into my ear some time back. The lie that I can't do anything good enough. My guard must have been down. I want to paint soooooooo bad, but when I want to do it, my doubt and fear of failure creeps in.

If it wasn't for church, I wouldn't be doing anything. But the work I am doing at church is more of a 3-D thing and more instillation work and found object work than anything else. I am completely unfamiliar with this type of art, but I'm trying to try. And I feel like I'm going to screw everything up, so I'm afraid to try a lot. It's a struggle.


But I really want to paint. My fingers itch for it. I want to be here again, where I was when I wrote this entry last year:

I know how it is, when you're just doing art and feeling in the flow of
creativity. All of a sudden, nothing else matters. The sky darkens and you're
floating in your own paradise of colors.

It's like a certain hunger, burning to let the creativity out. Art, Music, Writing; it's all so important. Time seems to stand still, and there you are, creator and canvas, ink and pen, held in an embrace, dancing, and sharing many intense emotional moments. The music flows throughout and all is well, for you have become one, molded together. And as you pause and gaze into your creation, you can't help but to feel the energy flow through your veins -- for your work has bloomed into a beautiful masterpiece.

I long to be there again.

'Twas a poor day in more than one way...& FYI #8

I must begin this by saying that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was kept awake by my neighbors' 5am cheerful yelling attempt at making their crying/screaming baby laugh, and also kept awake by nature in the form of little baby *chirp chirp* birds chirp-chirping right outside my window. I mean, I'm not snow white! I don't enjoy that! Especially before 8am. It's only cute when it's on the T.V. and you can turn the volume down. Two babies whining. One unhappy girl. Hmm..

This morning I had to some artwork instilation work at church that took a long time. It's only going to be up for this Sunday. I'm still not sure if it was worth it, but it looks fine. My attitude during the whole time was a forced, and I mean a FORCED cheerful.

I also had an afternoon interview at a local clothing shop. I was not excited. I was exhuasted and a little annoyed by the "casual neat" dress that I didn't understand meant t-shirt and jeans. They should have spelled it out for me. I was overdressed! I sat through the interview... gave honest answers. It happened kinda like this.

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Interviewers: "Have you ever been to our store before?"
Me: "No, not really. I may have heard of it, but y'know..."
Interviewers: "Did you ever make any mistakes at your previous job, working in retail?"
Me: "Oh yeah. Tons!" (and then I go on to list many of them)
Interviewers: "What did you learn from your mistakes?"
Me: Not to do them again. (Interviewers wait to hear more, so I say...) Y'know...because over time you learn not to push the wrong buttons..."
Interviewers: "How would you go the extra mile for our store?"
Me: "Hmmm.......I'd...uh.. set goals for myself."
Interviewers: "What kind of goals?"
Me: "Well, I want to save up some money for when more family and friends visit, so I try to remember that....umm.... Oh, and for the store, I...umm...would try to help a customer find something everyday."
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And so on and so forth.

I should probly mention that at the bottom of my application form where it says "why do you want to work for us", I wrote "I'm a good worker. You need someone to work, and it so happens that I need a job. It fits." While writing this on the application, I was remembering the scene from "The Wedding Singer" where Adam Sandler is applying for a job at a bank:

Bank Interviewer: "Do you have any experience?"
Robbie (Adam Sandler): "No, sir, I have no experience but
I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar
on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you
come in."

Anyway... I would be very suprised if they even called me back. I don't really care enough about working there so...they can give the job to Tiana. And I didn't expect the intense questions they asked for a CASUAL CHRISTMAS SEASON WORKER!!!Obviously I'd be applying so I could make some extra cash. Hello! No matter where I work during my time in New Zealand, I won't be working there and doing a good job because I CARE about the company, but rather, because I'm a good worker. I'd do a good job anywhere I work.

Sheesh! Hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight.

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FYI # 8 A Rugby Tragedy

New Zealand is serious about Rugby. This year happened to be the Rugby World Cup over in France. New Zealand's team, the All Blacks, does fairly well, with NZ playing them up like they're the best thing since "air". Commecials, flags, posters, shows, clothing, etc, etc. It's kinda annoying, but that'll happen with any sport. So, the World Cup comes along and the All Blacks do well throughout the various pools and games that happen for several weeks before the finals and everyone is confident that NZ will make it all the way. This past week was the quarter finals. The All Blacks play against France and they lose,18-20. It was a pretty close game. It was actually a little exciting for me. When they lost, I felt a little pang of sadness for them. After all, no one likes France. Haha. Just kidding. Anyway,Tiana and I move on, but the rest of the country is devestated, like they lost a war. The news is filled with sad tidings and the coach is known as the "first casualty" as he will be fired from his job and a new coach assigned by Christmas. There is even an investigation going on to see if it's the coaches' fault that the team wasn't fully prepared for the World Cup. What?! And on top of that, the newscasters are interviewing psychologists to help people get over the shock of the loss and urging people not to be negative towards the All Blacks and to support them when they come home. New Zealanders in France who had bought their tickets for the semi-finals and final game are upset because they refuse to go to the games because their team is no longer in it. Even the teammates are saying that they're still in shock. They've been treated like gods and now they failed.

Hmm...You know what I want to say to New Zealand?

GET OVER IT!!! QUIT BEING BIG BABIES!! SOMEONE HAS TO LOSE!! IT WAS A CLOSE GAME! OH NO, MAYBE YOU'RE NOT "THE BEST". IT'S SPORT. MOVE ON AND TRY AGAIN NEXT TIME!!!

Next thing you know, they're gonna pull an Al Gore and accuse France of cheating, or the refs of being wrong or something stupid like that and demand a redo. Is there so much arrogance towards their team that the country is soooooo affected? Sheesh!!!!