I dunno?

So I'm 25.

How do I feel? I dunno. Older? Or maybe just old?

I've been working a lot lately and doing things I don't really care to do and not doing my art nearly enough... The deep haze of "blah and monotony" is still over me. I'm trying to shake it but it's so hard! Unhappy is another word that fits - though it's not as dire as it sounds.

Was okay about not being in New Zealand for about 4 weeks, then the pain of missing it hit me again last week and hasn't really lifted. I'm so confused!! It's been almost 5 months since I left and some days I still cry?! At what point will I be okay?

Still unsure of how I'm getting back - or, how I can stay really. Maybe if I had a definate visa or something it would be easier because I would have that goal of what I'm looking forward to. Can I have a goal with no direction and lots of unsurity (did I just make up a word?)?!

My goal is to be back in NZ before May. I'm saving money like crazy. I've been online trying to find out the steps that I need to take to make this goal a reality. I will begin the nz job search in about a month. I'm thinking about contacting some artists over there to get some feel of other opportunities for me to be over there. I dunno. I'm supposed to go to Canada for New Years to visit a Kiwi and a Canadian of whom I met in nz, but that will cut down considerably the money that I am trying to save up for nz...Maybe I shouldn't go? I dunno.

I just gotta keep giving it to God.