Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.


The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.