At the beginning of the year I was holding on to the hope of returning to New Zealand but gradually realizing that my plans were already falling apart. I was still dealing with culture shock issues of being back in America. Instead of putting trust in what God had for me, I decided to try to force things to happen. I continued to stay with a job that God clearly had been telling me to leave because I was too afraid to step out in obedience to him, especially with the economy being so bad and my hope to return to NZ. I distanced myself from others, not really wanting to build close relationships because I was hoping to be gone...more because didn't want to face the pain of leaving more friends again, and as a result I felt deeply alone. Throughout the year I had a few emotional breakdowns where I just couldn't believe with all my effort and fight, that I couldn't make happen what I thought I needed most. I kept striving for my selfish ambitions. My relationship with God suffered, especially since I treated him like a galactic genie, praying for him to provide what I wanted, and when I didn't get the answer that I begged for, I fell apart thinking that God was holding out on me. I began to believe the lies of Satan, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't get what I want because I wasn't loved by the Creator of the universe who sent his son to die for me. That He loved everyone except me. I felt that God was so silent so this must be true and I kept trying over and over and failing over in over to bring about what I wanted to happen. As I got more involved in a new church I felt more and more detached from the people there and very lonely. Even in those times God was working to draw me back to him. There were many times where I would realize I couldn't do anything without him and would talked to him about my struggles and read his word and I was greatly encouraged. There were people in my Growth Group at church who were praying for me and encouraging me too.
I guess to really sum up it all up, this year was more of a tug of war year. Trying to trust God, yet still being inward focused and depressed, back and forth, back and forth. But God is still doing a great work in me. Recently he has revealed some of the hurts of my past that have influenced how I relate to people today and how I deal with each area of my life. I am
continuing to tell him how I feel and searching him out. I have better days then others, but God really only asks me to take it one day at a time. I have been focusing on verses about God's love for me. I am reading the book "Captivating" and just letting God speak truth into my life. Just today I was reading a book that I want to do with my small group next semester and it's all about authentic community and building relationships that are genuine. One of the things that really stuck out at me is this quote from a friend that he mentions on p. 97... "If God isn't bigger than our mistakes, then ultimately we're not trusting him; we're trusting our own performance. What kind of trust is that?"For so long I have been regretting the mistakes that I have made and thinking that I'll never be able to get this "Christian life" right. But isn't God bigger than that?
I am thankful for all the good and the bad that has happened this year because I see how God is using all of my struggles to make make me more like him. I won't pretend to have it all figured out. I will still struggle tomorrow and everyday with choosing to trust God with every area of my life, but I definitely feel like I am on the road to recovery.
Praise God.
Happy New Year!
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