Turning over a new leaf

I've decided that I can't go on as I have been - caught in between two places. Present, past. America, New Zealand. It's been such a hard year being back "home." Fearful of the unknown, Heartbroken in every way, Confused as to what I am to do, Frustrated with God and his plans, Disappointed in my artistic apathy, Overwhelmed by seemingly constant rejection and failure, and Doubting pretty much everything in my life - all the while trying to maintain my mask of "everything's okay" and "It's no big deal". This kind of negativity and lie can't be good in anyone's life. It took my two biggest desires and plans being completely and utterly destroyed before I could come to the realization that only God satisfies. Only God can bring about the water I so desperately thirst for. I've only just realized this today. It's not in New Zealand. It's not in America. It's not in relationships. It's not in art. It's not in my job. It's not in my church. It's only in God.

And with that revelation, I know I can go on through this storm...

After the past few weeks of emotional crisis, things are finally beginning to stabilize. Talk about hitting rock bottom...I raced towards it and dived beneath it, buried myself in it, and thought I could save myself. But I couldn't. And God was so silent...

Why must things change so? Why must people change, and life change and everything become so completely unfamiliar? Was I asleep? Did I miss everyone elses lives moving forward while I remained in the past, or in my hopes for the future?
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

And God was so silent...

But I've got to remember that God is good. He sees all and knows all. He is not evil. He's a great mystery that won't fit into my little box of understanding and predictability, and he does some pretty crazy and unheard of things, and I don't understand anything that he does, but I've got to remember that he is good.

He is GOOD.

What's Wrong You Say?

Confession
by RED

I feel fine
And I can smile
But I feel the anger coming
It's underneath
I don't know why
It's always overflowing
It's a constant fight
Deep inside
And I want to forget it

I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside me
I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside my head

And I can breathe
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge
I don't know how
I can escape this nightmare

Oh, I'm wasting away
It's part of my instinct
I'll run away
From everything I hate
Take this away
Help me escape
Take this away
I confess

Innocence
Innocence
Innocence

hmm

Seems that NZ will be put on hold. *sigh* 3 weeks to decide. Anyone have a better job for me that actually pays money?

My life

Trusting God is so so hard!

So many unknowns. So many fears. And yet everything is out of my control. Only God can change things and that's all I can hold on to. Seriously.

But it's so hard!!!

Christmas

The year is drawing to a close. Who knew?

Christmas Eve was fun, going with my mum to Walmart 30mins before it closed. Quite dangerous actually. Well, maybe not dangerous per say, but there was a mob of people outside wanting to get in. Let's just say we made our way out very carefully. I think I just went for the craziness of it all. I didn't really NEED anything. Why are people so desperate for presents? There were so many tired and sad and angry faces. Why can't people just enjoy the holidays?

The gift I got Tiana won't even be here till after the New Year. No worries. Publishing a book takes time I guess. It wasn't real pricey either. I figured that since she wasn't coming back to New Zealand with me she'll probably miss everything quite a bit. SO I made a book filled with pictures and text of our experiences there last year. Can't wait till it comes for her. I know she's excited.

On Christmas day me, my mum, and Tiana slept in for ages. Opened gifts in the early afternoon, went to see the movie, "Desperaux" at the theater. Cute. Then we went out to an amazing Chinese food restaurant. All in all, very relaxed, very nice. Never did that before but since all our other family had gone down to S. Carolina to my bros, we kept it simple. We're going to cook a huge family dinner for New Year's Day and have everyone over. I can't wait.

Hmm, I think that's it. Perhaps a recap of 2008 on the next post.
Cheers!

Things looking up?

4.5 Months until I move back to New Zealand. That's exciting! And scary!

Going to a new church in January - went there off and on before but now the decision has been made for my spiritual well-being.

Stressful at work with framing orders that have no way of being completed by Christmas with only two people working on them. And we keep getting more everyday. Someone should tell the customers. BTW, I went to the Woodmere locations of ours and it was huge! And they had more space! And more giftware! And possibly more frame choices! And more workers! And they were shocked to hear that we only had two workers working on orders. Ha!

Loving playing music about Christ at my store!!! Christmas is so fun in America because every store plays music about Christ. Amazing!! A witness while people shop, whether they realize it or not. Whether the singer is Christian or not. God's word is powerful! And a lot of people go to church around Christmas time so may God tug the hearts of many for him! Some people really get angry about Christmas because they don't celebrate it and don't like hearing the music and seeing Christmas all over the place. What about other holidays like Halloween that many people don't celebrate? But no one complains about all of the scary images in storefront windows and the fact that people don't celebrate it. If you don't celebrate it, you don't celebrate it. Don't participate. Geez...

I feel pretty good right now. Not too much stress all in all. Not missing New Zealand as much - oh I miss it- but T-4 months till I return so it's all good. Missing friends, but what can I do? Other emotional heartaches have calmed down considerably. Yes! Could it be that I've finally shaked this? 10 months later? Maybe so, maybe not... Ah! But I will enjoy this time while it lasts!

Still reading "Captivating" and it's so good. Usually I can read books fairly quickly, but this wasn't that kinda book. It deals with deep issues that need to prayed over, and ideas contemplated. I've been reading it since August. God has been doing some serious healing in my life. Learning to let him love me and find myself in him. My worth. My beauty. My heart. He is who satisfies me and gives me the strength to live this life and go through the stormy times as well as the good. Teaching me to be a better woman - feminism nor a twisted sense of submission will not shake this. God is the solid foundation in my life when everything else is so unstable. Wow! Who knew?

ART...doing it off and on. Working on keeping it on! Doing some freelance stuff on the side so that's good. Learning to see again. See God's beauty and artistic eye and appreciating it!


Things are looking a bit up today! Praise God. But random as post, aye?

Current Thoughts

Listing my thoughts seemed to work well for me last time, so I'll do it again...

So..

1) I got accepted into the program to get back to New Zealand. Exciting! I have so much money to save up before I go, but I plan on leaving the states May 5, 2009! Like 5 months away!!

2) I made a for sure decision about changing churches, though it's hard because I'll miss people, but I need to go somewhere where I can be challenged and grow as a Christian. And a place that has a definite vision and purpose. God has changed me so much, I can't keep pretending to be the old me. I'll be changing full on in the new year. I don't want to be one of those people who just disappear and drop all responsibilities without telling people.

3) I...miss someone very much...and it hurts...it HURTS...and I'm amazed that I still feel this way 7 months later...and it's weird.. but hey, that's life I suppose...I'll hold it in my heart seeing where it's going; let it sit there for awhile till I can figure out this new...I don't know? Not sure what it's for but as long as God allows it there it will be. Oh but this new more emotional Cara (as if that's possible) is hard to deal with from day to day!!

4) I miss New Zealand life in general. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nowhere near perfect and that's nice. Acceptance for who you are instead of who people think you should be. Huge blanket statement of NZ, but there it is. I miss friends and CBC and everything. And I could live there permanently though I am nowhere near making that kind of decision.

5) I miss America... or rather, how America used to be for me, before I was torn between two countries. I missed so much in america while I was living abroad, and now that I'm back I appreciate these things a lot more, but I am constantly thinking about NZ. What time it is there. What I was doing this time last year. Wondering how people are and what's going on there, as well as re-experiencing life in America and caring about the people here. It's overwhelming!

6) Work is a drag...but that's no excuse for me not putting my all into it. Had my review today and although I did very well, there were some areas that I seriously need to work on - like being on time., and it hurts my witness for Christ. Lord help me to improve and see my job as working for you, even now while I'm looking for a new job! Why would you bless me with a new job if I'm not even doing my best at my current one? Even if I'm annoyed with the job and poor management and every other thing I can list... there is no excuse!

7) Art...I long to do it sooooooo much but I keep getting sidetracked. I'm too tired or discouraged. I make up dumb excuses. I've got to force myself to do this thing I love!!!It's like healing salve to my soul! SO necessary!

8) Still reading Captivating and still digesting the info. It such a huge part in the healing process of who I am. Such a big part

SO, that's what's been on my mind the last few days. I took a week long break from some things just to refocus myself.Not sure if I'm completely together, especially with #1 and#3 issues always on my mind...but I know that God is working in my life, drawing me close to him, especially during this immensely difficult time in my life.

Taking a break

I'm taking a break from stuff. To much stress in my life that needs to be dealt with. I don't know for how long, but if you feel led to, please pray for me.

It's been awhile...

There's so much on my mind...it's easier to just list it.

1. Looking for a new job...it's hard with all the people losing their jobs. Mine has already shrunk my hours down to 32, and it's just gonna get worse. I think our store will close soon. And probably in a shady way...

2. Missing New Zealand with a whole new passion...and I've been praying with the girls that it would get better. Perhaps calling NZ last week wasn't the best of ideas because it triggered something that just makes me miss them so much more. Thinking about taking a break from Facebook and Bebo so I can refocus things in my life.

3. Finally applied to BUNAC for the Work New Zealand Program so now I'm back to having very little saved up...But it's good to finally have it done. May 5th isn't too far away...but very far indeed!

4. Been real down about my art. Trying to break through it but the whispers of Satan are very cunning. Lord help me! The website is coming slowly...

5. Fighting the flesh constantly when it comes to my Spiritual life. God is so amazing working in me and growing me but I wrestle with him so much!

6. Church...a change is coming in the '09- actually it's already begun. I gotta go where God leads me...

7. Thinking about the Homeless of Cleveland. Since having Bible Study with the girls downtown, and being downtown more often anyway, my eyes have seen, and been shocked, and ashamed, and I need to know what I can do, if anything to help...looking into that and praying about it

8. Big money woes...and I need to trust God. I may actually move to NZ permanently so what does that mean in my life?

9. My bestest is getting serious with her boyfriend and it's exciting and scary. Engagement may be in the near future. Other dear friends are engaged already. And getting married weeks after I leave for NZ. I think I really am just going to end up missing everyone's wedding!

10. Guys keep hitting on me and it's bothering me -not like that. Not constantly, but quite a few times since my return to America. I suppose I should be complimented, but I'm not. Pizza shops, bus stops, grocery stores, and they have no chance of course, they're not even Christian, but what's with the influx of flirting? My heart is elsewhere...very elsewhere, and that's all anyone, for the time being, need know.

How's that for why my mind needs constant renewing from God. I'm stressed and he's the only one who can help.

I dunno?

So I'm 25.

How do I feel? I dunno. Older? Or maybe just old?

I've been working a lot lately and doing things I don't really care to do and not doing my art nearly enough... The deep haze of "blah and monotony" is still over me. I'm trying to shake it but it's so hard! Unhappy is another word that fits - though it's not as dire as it sounds.

Was okay about not being in New Zealand for about 4 weeks, then the pain of missing it hit me again last week and hasn't really lifted. I'm so confused!! It's been almost 5 months since I left and some days I still cry?! At what point will I be okay?

Still unsure of how I'm getting back - or, how I can stay really. Maybe if I had a definate visa or something it would be easier because I would have that goal of what I'm looking forward to. Can I have a goal with no direction and lots of unsurity (did I just make up a word?)?!

My goal is to be back in NZ before May. I'm saving money like crazy. I've been online trying to find out the steps that I need to take to make this goal a reality. I will begin the nz job search in about a month. I'm thinking about contacting some artists over there to get some feel of other opportunities for me to be over there. I dunno. I'm supposed to go to Canada for New Years to visit a Kiwi and a Canadian of whom I met in nz, but that will cut down considerably the money that I am trying to save up for nz...Maybe I shouldn't go? I dunno.

I just gotta keep giving it to God.

The Game

There's nothing like sitting in a pizza shop waiting for them to make the pizza and a stranger comes in for a sec, then leaves, then comes back 30 secs later, like a double take, and he says, "Hey, what's your name?

I reply "Why...?"

He says "Well, I just want to know your name?"

Hmm. So I reply "Yeah. But why?" In my mind, he's either selling something or trying to hit on me. Let's see.

He smiles and tries a new tactic whilst leaning on the counter and trying to look cool. "I just wanna know. Um, are you seeing anyone?"

Ah, so he's hitting on me and that was the best pick up line that he could do. Ha!

While shaking my head I reply: "Nah, man. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now so..." And I give him one of my Jim from "the Office" looks clearly showing that there's no hope in further communication while still appearing friendly.

It worked and eventually he left.

I don't know. Do guys generally think that talking to a girl in a random place will actually get them a date? I have no idea of his faith, of his character, whether he's a jerk or a nice guy, what he's like with others..etc. I'm not at a bar. I'm not at a club. Not under the influence of anything so did he really think his "charm" alone would work? Especially on me, who would rather know someone first, probably with a group of friends and not one on one.

Haha! SO nice to be back home. Oh what interesting things happen in my daily life!

eHarmony? No!!!!!

So, I signed up for eHarmony by accident. How? you may ask. Well, my boss was talking about how you can get a free relationship compatability test or something and she loves talking about that kinda thing and personality tests etc, so I thought, as I seek to get to know her more and be praying for her and showing Jesus, sure, I'll give it ago. You have to meet people where there at, and personality tests are interesting. It was a looooooonnng test, but when I finally finished it, they only talked about what kinda person I was, not the type of person I would be compatable to...and out of 4 sections, they only got two half right. Hmm... SO I was like whatev and left it.

WELL....

The very next day they had 3 matches for me. 3 guys to see if I wanted to start "communication" with. They sent it to my email. I had no idea that I had set up an actual account. I didn't pay anything. SO, I go to the website and look at these "matches". One's 23, one's 27, and one's 29. Now, if you know me at all you would understand that someone in their late 20's is too old for me. Yeah, I know I'm almost 25. But my though is, no more than 6 months younger or 1 year older. I'm not stuck on that, but I'd prefer it. Haha. Anyways, they were nothing like anyone I would want to date. One sounded too conservative and boring. Another was funny, but obsessed with excersizing. The third? I dunno. Not memorable. Haha. It was a good laugh because I always wondered how people did these online things.

Well, I left it, and by the next day they added 3 matches. Someone boring sounding, another who seemed quite vain, and another who was waaaaayyyyyyy into video games. I love video games, but not to the extent that he does. So I decided to fill out my profile and let people know what I would look for. Then this morning I thought "wait, I didn't sign up for this!" and eHarmony was still asking me to join, but they wanted to have me find a match first I guess. Anyways, I'm not into the whole online dating thing myself so I cancelled whatever I had signed up for. Hopefully it actually cancels. Geez..


Crazy aye?

Captivating?

Reading the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldridge, and recieved the shock of my life! It's a good shock, but why did no one ever tell me? Like my whole life I was looking for some explanation...

Wow!!!!

The desire of my heart

These two songs have been speaking to me a lot right now. The combo of where I'm at in my life right now, my emotions about things, the monotony of my life right now, this amazing life group I'm in that makes me think, my job, church problems, the desire to do my art, the desire to return to New Zealand, my family, friends, winter, summer, everything...

And with all the STUFF going on in my life, I realize that I just really desire God. Only God. I may have all these things I want or need or whatever, but I miss God. I miss talking to him but also listening for what he's telling me. I do talk to him, but not like I did a few months ago. Did I leave God in NZ? Of course not, but sometimes it feels that way. These songs just really reflect my heart and what I long for.
_______

"Pieces" by RED

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

______

"Carried Away" by Sonicflood


You are the open door to freedom
You are the only hope I have
The reason in my reason
The only thing that lasts
How could I begin to settle
When all within me longs
To step into the shelter
Of your everlasting arms

I wanna get carried away
I wanna be tossed by your waves
I don't care where or how deep
I'm gonna jump in with both feet
I wanna get carried away
I wanna get lost in your waves
I wanna be held by your truth
I wanna behold all of you
I'm gonna be all yours today
I wanna get carried away

Some say You're far away
But I know You're here with me
I could go anywhere
And still you'd be there with me
I know You're with me

Whispers

Can't sleep. Woke up and I just needed a break from sleeping. Long story but every so often I get restless, especially if I have things on my mind.

I went to the young adults group at my brothers church on Thursday - the 4:12. It was open mic, a BBQ, dancing, a skit, fellowship, and like a mini sermon, but it was a powerful one. I didn't take the adequate time I needed to think about the implications that the sermon had on my life.

The pastor talked about hunger. Physical hunger like when you crave chocolate or normal food. You need sustenance, so you eat. You start to feel light headed and your stomach growls, and you know it's probably time to eat. So you do. Or even just a specific kind of food that you may see on tv or see someone else with and you're like "I want that!" His example of some food he was craving was some fried chicken, but not just any fried chicken, but from a specific place from where he grew up. Haha. But then he talked about spiritual hunger. A hunger that you don't always know what it is right away, but you seek to fill it. Like, if you feel lonely. Or something like that. The pastor went on to say that a lot of us get caught this way.

He talked about how sometimes God allows Satan to tempt us to make us stronger and to test our faith (It makes me think of Job in the Bible). But Satan won't just waste this opportunity, no. He works to create a hunger in us, then offers a solution that looks like it would be good, but we find out otherwise. For example, you might be sitting there one night. No one's called you all day. No emails from friends. No text messages, nothing and Satan whispers in your ear "psssst. Don't you wish someone would call you today? Don't you feel lonely? pssst! Don't you wish you were engaged like so in so? (Women fall for this a lot) Don't you wish you had somebody who loved you? You want a relationship. You need a relationship!" The pastor even gave the example of sexual impurity for people. And thus the hunger is created. But it doesn't stop there. Then Satan offers a solution that looks good but it's sin. People will get in bad relationships for the sake of relationships. Instead of being patient with who God has and will settle for something less and go farther in a relationship then they mean to and it results in sin -- all the while thinking that this will satisfy that hunger and find out it doesn't. Another example is you're broke. Bills to pay and no money to pay. And Satan will whisper "pssst. Pssst! Don't you wish you could have money? Don't you wish you had that car? Don't you wish you had that house? Don't you wish you had those new clothes? You want that stuff. You need more stuff" And then he offers the solution to go spend money that you don't have...credit cards and rent money and buy those material things that he says you need and you stop trusting God and get into a lot of trouble and sin.

The pastor said that we get tempted then fall because we're not spiritually full--meaning fully satisfied in Christ and trusting him for our needs. He says that when you have just ate you full at dinner and then watch tv and see an add for some really good food, it doesn't matter to you. You're not hungry. You don't even want to look at food because you're physically full. The same with spiritual fullness. When we're spiritually full and Satan tries to whisper in your ear that you're lonely or weary of staying pure, or wish you had more stuff, you won't even want to hear it because you know God satisfies you like nothing else can or ever will. It's the times when we skip our devos and skip praying, and/or kinda back up from God - and it may even be a subtle thing - that when we're tempted we give in to that temptation. Satan even did this with Jesus when he was fasting in the wilderness 40 days and nights, figuring that he had Jesus alone. "Pssst. Turn that rock into bread to satisfy your hunger!" etc. - except Satan didn't realize that Jesus, while he was fasting in the wilderness, was using all that time to get filled up on God, so when Satan tempted him, Jesus wasn't even trying to hear it and was able to fight off that temptation because of this.

There is so much more I can go into this and I'm not even sure I've explained it well enough but it touched my life. Like, sometimes I would wonder why all of a sudden I would feel a certain way about something even though before it didn't bother me. It wasn't even a want yesterday and now all of a sudden I feel like I need this or that. The hunger is created and when I'm dissatisfied with God and holding him at arms length...or when I'm upset with God I tend to seek fulfillment somewhere else with worldly things that will never satisfy. And then I wonder what happened and how I got so far from God.

Food for thought.

Now, I must try to get some sleep again.

A Job?

SO, I have a job now. I start on Monday. It's working at a Framing and Design Shop so that should be fun. It's related to art and I get a huge discount and possible venue to sell my artwork in Michigan and Ohio. The only stink thing is that it doesn't pay nearly enough. We're talking almost minimum wage for a full time job. Huh? So, i need to find another job as well. I have bills to pay and a trip to NZ to save up for. But I am happy to at least have a job after two months of nothing. Praise God!

www.framesunlimited.com

The Story of My Life

In the narrow hallway, then in [her] own small room, unpacking [her] bag, [Cara] had a strange sense of disappointment... For a long moment, she did not quite know where she was. The cracked and yellowed paint on the ceiling, the cramped room, the window framed by limp curtains and itself framing a view over rooftops to the flat surfaces of distant buildings, the sulfurous sky...everything looked dingy. [Cara] felt the little house pressing close around her... [She] concentrated on folding close in around herself the remembered contentment of [New Zealand], like armor against---she couldn't name it, but it threatened her.

"A Solitary Blue" by Cynthia Voigt

anyway

I'm reading this book about authentic relationships. Guess what the book's called...Authentic Relationships: discover the lost art of "one anothering" by Wayne Jacobson and Clay Jacobson. Amazing! I recommend. I read some of it before going to NZ...borrowed it from my young adults leader. I need to mail it to him, but I decided to read it again first, through the eyes of this new and changed "Cara" who is trying to be more open an honest.
In the book, I found this poem or saying or whatever it is that I though was real cool.



anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.


If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.


If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.


The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.


Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.


What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.


People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.


In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Stressed and I didn't know

What is God doing?

I feel like the walls are crumbling around me.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on.








But I will try.

Walkin and Kinda Talkin

I've decided that sometimes it's better to show something rather than explain it. Alas, a video of my cute little nephew, Alex. I love him!!! Enjoy.