Friends forever ...lost

I was reading another person's blog and they were talking about how they were struggling with the fact that the friends who they thought would last forever are no longer there and it got me thinking....

Friendships are a weird phenomenon. Seriously. I realize that we, as humans, were born to be relational. I always hoped that those relationships would last forever for the most part. But think about it, if we remained friends with everyone we've ever befriended in life, there would be heaps of people!! You can't really have close friendships with everyone. And as things change in life, so do friends.

It's weird but I think that many friendships are not meant to last forever. As we all move on to different things and experiences in life, new friends come and old ones go. There are a few deep friendships that may withstand the test of time, but very few. It's a sad fact that I've been realizing recently. Why must we make great friendships that will only last or a year? Or a few years? And when I think about the people I knew in high school...I don't talk to many of them really. Then there were friends in college, broken down by each semester and each experience and already, just 3 years after graduating, I don't talk to most of them except through facebook on occasion, but it's not really the same. Even with my closer friends from college whom I still see at least once a year, there has been a change in the depth of the relationships. We all used to be very close, but honestly, moving in different directions and doing different things in life have drawn many of us away from the close relationship that we once shared. And to top it really, I think about the people I know all over the world. South Korea, New Zealand, China, UK, Australia, Canada, Brazil, South Africa, Kenya, etc. You can't truly maintain those relations from so far a distance. Not for an extended period of time. There are people from New Zealand that are still fresh in my mind that after being away for just a year I've noticed a relationship change, or lack of contact. It's sucks. But it's life. And the people I know now...who knows where we all will be in a few years. Or even in a year.

It's tragic and hard. But I don't think it's altogether bad. I like meeting new people. If I stayed with the same friends all my life would I ever meet anyone new? And I like meeting people from situations in life that differ from mine. I like how each new person I meet challenges me in some way. Many people who become closer to me, shape how I am and who I am. They introduce me to new ways of thinking and new ways to do things. For example, some of my friends in New Zealand taught me that regular picnics at the park after church could be amazing. I never really went on picnics before. Some of them also taught me that you don't always have to be 'doing something' to have fun... i.e. just hanging around at someone's house randomly and unplanned, and just enjoying being in each other's company.

Know what's really comforting and cool though...

Jesus.

Jesus never goes. Jesus never fades away. Jesus is forever...

I will break into a thought...

I thought these Flyleaf lyrics sum up myself quite well right now.

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart...
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness.
I will break! Break!!
...
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You're heeding to it now.
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You tremble at the sound.

You sink into my clothes...This invasion makes me feel, worthless, hopeless, sick.
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. I'm so sick!!!

_______________________________________

Why does life have to be so hard? It's constantly filled with so many obstacles to trusting God and yet I must or it is utterly hopeless. The daily struggle of sin. The constant fight in my head. It's quite overwhelming! Some days I don't have the energy and still other days I have all the strength in the world.

But I won't give up. Just die to self again and try to think more of God and less of myself. It's not really about me anyway.

What up?

It's been a long time since I've written again.



Last week was like my unofficial vacation, first randomly going to Pittsburgh, then my oldest bro being in town and then the holidays...It was amazing, but also tiring.



Now, I'm looking for jobs again...there's been no luck there and I see New Zealand drifting farther and farther away with each week that passes unfruitfully.



*sigh* I just can't really write about anything right now. Back to the job search...

Wrong side of the world?

So today I woke up on the wrong side of the world. Philosophically and literally. I wasn't mad or angry or anything. Just down. I kept trying to boost myself up on fun times with my mom and my sis and at the NEO360 worship tonight, and I felt good, but in my heart I feel totally down. Yes, I have no idea when or if I'll be going to New Zealand (hence the other side of the world), and I have no direction in my life, and I feel sad.

So pray for me.

Happy birthday, Mum!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is quite definitely the most amazing person I have ever known!! Okay. Okay. I admit, I am a bit biased, but she is truly a wonderful person!!

She has been such a wonderful encouragement in my life and it's through her that I was able to see Jesus. She's worked hard as a single mom (my parents separated then divorce when I was 10) and she has always been there for me. Even during my horrible, depressed, rebellious teen years. I was quite horrid but she was always praying for me and trying to help me. I'm so thankful for her. We never had much money growing up yet she worked faithfully. I remember her working 3 jobs at once and still making it to our school performances and sports. I'm sure she was tired a lot but she didn't really show it. And she took me to church even though I didn't want to go and now all of her children know Christ!!!!! She encouraged all of us in our desires for our professions and sent all of us to 4 different types of college and we all have degrees thanks to her! I could go on and on, but, yeah...

...and now my mom and I are so close! It was hard when I moved to New Zealand for a year and I know it will be hard when I move back and/or somewhere else. I love and appreciate her!!

I should go tell her ;)

Random post, I know, but I though the world should know how much I love her!!!

June?

It's June already? When did that happen?

Apparently 2 days ago. Hmm...

Still looking for a job. Oh the joy of it. Not really. Wrote some in my New Zealand Memoirs... Did some artwork.

Most especially, I spent time with God. I've been really working hard on that. So far so good.

Today' s synopsis:

New Zealand???I don't know
Future??? I don't know
God??? 100% Amazing!

Take my breath away!

I am most seriously wowed by God today. He actually took my breath away.

I was reading Romans 3. Have a look. And then have another look. It's quite amazing. The scope of God's solution to the sin problem that separated us from God since the Garden of Eden...his law brought down by Moses to show us how sinful we really are...and that the law could never save us...and Jesus' death and Resurrection that spread outwards, both forwards and backwards in time to save many...and faith saves...and in believing Jesus the law is actually fulfilled...and God's justice...and his love. It's still floating around my head.

I just see that God really loves us and knows what he's doing.

And I am humbled.

The Book That Shall Begin

I think I'll start writing the book today.

Tiana and I once came up with the idea to write a travel memoir of our experiences in New Zealand - in the Bill Bryson style. Two sisters travelling together and the experience of culture shock and perseverance... very short chapters that sum each experience up in a 'lesson learned' type of way. Not sure I will be as funny and witty as Bill Bryson, but that never stopped me trying ;) What else am I supposed to do with all this unemployed time on my hands, besides looking for work of course.

Here goes...

Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.


The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.

April showers bring May showers too?

This month has been kinda crazy. Maybe in a good way. Maybe in a bad way. Not sure.


Viruses!!
Today, exactly one week before I was supposed to go to New Zealand (with the disappointment almost unbearable), I sit here writing on my computer. On the old laptop, not the desktop. Why? Because our desktop computer is infected with at least 1 Trojan horse and who knows how many other viruses. The very day we decide to get an updated virus protection is the very day our computer decided to stop working. So, I've been working hard at isolating the problem and seeing if I can fix the computer. It's harder than I thought and I had to read so much about viruses and different types and different ways to get rid of them and other numerous problems. Right now I feel like I should be an expert on everything related to fixing a computer problem...except ours. But I won't go down without a fight!! I've been talking to some tech people and perhaps they will be able to help me. Otherwise, I best salvage on to a usb storage, whatever I absolutely need before trying to do something risky.


Sicknesses!
My grandma had a brain tumor that was found a few weeks ago. She had surgery last week and they seem like they removed it and they also still think it's not cancerous. That's good. She's recovering now and sounds more like herself. Praise God!

On the other side of things, my uncle, Norman, just found out that he has a mass the size of a grapefruit in his stomach and they're saying that it is cancerous. He has to have emergency surgery sometime very soon. Keep him in your prayers.


The Word!
Growth Group/Bible Study is going ok. Ruth was never one of my favorite stories and I was really trying to like it, but it still is just like, blah. Got into some huge discussions in group and realized that we have to to hold everything else up to the Bible, not the Bible up to everything else. The Bible is the authority. It is God's word. Commentaries are good and make us think a little deeper and think about the culture of what we read in the Bible, but they're not always correct, and a lot is speculation. AND, just because something was in the culture doesn't mean it was right. The Bible the light that I have to hold everything else up to. If it didn't hold on it's own, whether I understand everything completely or not, what would be the point? Hmm...


Job Searching!!
Slow. Dragging. Unfruitful. And with the computer down, it's hard to do too much searching, but I did send out another resume today so that's good.


New Zealand!
I'm missing Kiwiland hugely this week. And last week. New Zealand was so amazing and I can't wait to go back, but it seems that if I don't find a job relatively soon, I'll not be going on the already pushed back date of August 4. *Sigh* I don't know if I can handle that kinda heartbreak again. I say, if I'm not going back, take this weird attachment to NZ away. Seriously. But not my will, father, but yours...


Weddings!
One of my kiwi mates is getting married this saturday. It stinks that I can't be there, but I suppose I would have missed it either way. The next weekend is another wedding of a friend that will take place at our church...that meets in a comedy club. This will be amazing I'm sure. The week after that, a beloved Canadian friend is marrying and amazing kiwi friend and I won't be in Canada for that either. Stink! One week off and then the last weekend of May is another friend's wedding from highschool days...we used to sing together all the time, and I won't be going to her wedding... :( Tis life I suppose.


Artness!!
I am doing art!! Finally finished two pieces that I had been working on Since Feb. I'm starting to play around with different techniques and work with texture and acrylic. Exciting I know.


Books!!
I've read like a gazillion billion books this month. Jealous? You should be.


Music!!
Okay, since discovering that we get Air1, life has been especially good in the car. Driving and having good music playing, including Red, Falling Up, Mutemath, Group 1 Crew, Paramore, etc, with no commercials!! Happiness is not quite the word to describe it! Alternafish also has been way better than the normal stuff on that station, but I do hate the commercials. It's 10 steps up from the Fish though. They're trying. And they play rock and hip hop. Nice. In fact, I've heard so much good music in the last month that I haven't even listened to LifeFM, NZ's Christian music station. Though I do miss it, I'm glad that there is good music on the radio here now. It's nothing short of a miracle in these parts. And I can stay current on new artists and concerts!


Finishing!
Yeah, so anyway, there's probably more I could talk about, but this seems good so far. Cheers!

Come, break me down

This about says it.


"I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now
This is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"

-30 seconds to mars

Turning over a new leaf

I've decided that I can't go on as I have been - caught in between two places. Present, past. America, New Zealand. It's been such a hard year being back "home." Fearful of the unknown, Heartbroken in every way, Confused as to what I am to do, Frustrated with God and his plans, Disappointed in my artistic apathy, Overwhelmed by seemingly constant rejection and failure, and Doubting pretty much everything in my life - all the while trying to maintain my mask of "everything's okay" and "It's no big deal". This kind of negativity and lie can't be good in anyone's life. It took my two biggest desires and plans being completely and utterly destroyed before I could come to the realization that only God satisfies. Only God can bring about the water I so desperately thirst for. I've only just realized this today. It's not in New Zealand. It's not in America. It's not in relationships. It's not in art. It's not in my job. It's not in my church. It's only in God.

And with that revelation, I know I can go on through this storm...

After the past few weeks of emotional crisis, things are finally beginning to stabilize. Talk about hitting rock bottom...I raced towards it and dived beneath it, buried myself in it, and thought I could save myself. But I couldn't. And God was so silent...

Why must things change so? Why must people change, and life change and everything become so completely unfamiliar? Was I asleep? Did I miss everyone elses lives moving forward while I remained in the past, or in my hopes for the future?
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

And God was so silent...

But I've got to remember that God is good. He sees all and knows all. He is not evil. He's a great mystery that won't fit into my little box of understanding and predictability, and he does some pretty crazy and unheard of things, and I don't understand anything that he does, but I've got to remember that he is good.

He is GOOD.

What's Wrong You Say?

Confession
by RED

I feel fine
And I can smile
But I feel the anger coming
It's underneath
I don't know why
It's always overflowing
It's a constant fight
Deep inside
And I want to forget it

I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside me
I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside my head

And I can breathe
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge
I don't know how
I can escape this nightmare

Oh, I'm wasting away
It's part of my instinct
I'll run away
From everything I hate
Take this away
Help me escape
Take this away
I confess

Innocence
Innocence
Innocence

hmm

Seems that NZ will be put on hold. *sigh* 3 weeks to decide. Anyone have a better job for me that actually pays money?

My life

Trusting God is so so hard!

So many unknowns. So many fears. And yet everything is out of my control. Only God can change things and that's all I can hold on to. Seriously.

But it's so hard!!!

Christmas

The year is drawing to a close. Who knew?

Christmas Eve was fun, going with my mum to Walmart 30mins before it closed. Quite dangerous actually. Well, maybe not dangerous per say, but there was a mob of people outside wanting to get in. Let's just say we made our way out very carefully. I think I just went for the craziness of it all. I didn't really NEED anything. Why are people so desperate for presents? There were so many tired and sad and angry faces. Why can't people just enjoy the holidays?

The gift I got Tiana won't even be here till after the New Year. No worries. Publishing a book takes time I guess. It wasn't real pricey either. I figured that since she wasn't coming back to New Zealand with me she'll probably miss everything quite a bit. SO I made a book filled with pictures and text of our experiences there last year. Can't wait till it comes for her. I know she's excited.

On Christmas day me, my mum, and Tiana slept in for ages. Opened gifts in the early afternoon, went to see the movie, "Desperaux" at the theater. Cute. Then we went out to an amazing Chinese food restaurant. All in all, very relaxed, very nice. Never did that before but since all our other family had gone down to S. Carolina to my bros, we kept it simple. We're going to cook a huge family dinner for New Year's Day and have everyone over. I can't wait.

Hmm, I think that's it. Perhaps a recap of 2008 on the next post.
Cheers!

Things looking up?

4.5 Months until I move back to New Zealand. That's exciting! And scary!

Going to a new church in January - went there off and on before but now the decision has been made for my spiritual well-being.

Stressful at work with framing orders that have no way of being completed by Christmas with only two people working on them. And we keep getting more everyday. Someone should tell the customers. BTW, I went to the Woodmere locations of ours and it was huge! And they had more space! And more giftware! And possibly more frame choices! And more workers! And they were shocked to hear that we only had two workers working on orders. Ha!

Loving playing music about Christ at my store!!! Christmas is so fun in America because every store plays music about Christ. Amazing!! A witness while people shop, whether they realize it or not. Whether the singer is Christian or not. God's word is powerful! And a lot of people go to church around Christmas time so may God tug the hearts of many for him! Some people really get angry about Christmas because they don't celebrate it and don't like hearing the music and seeing Christmas all over the place. What about other holidays like Halloween that many people don't celebrate? But no one complains about all of the scary images in storefront windows and the fact that people don't celebrate it. If you don't celebrate it, you don't celebrate it. Don't participate. Geez...

I feel pretty good right now. Not too much stress all in all. Not missing New Zealand as much - oh I miss it- but T-4 months till I return so it's all good. Missing friends, but what can I do? Other emotional heartaches have calmed down considerably. Yes! Could it be that I've finally shaked this? 10 months later? Maybe so, maybe not... Ah! But I will enjoy this time while it lasts!

Still reading "Captivating" and it's so good. Usually I can read books fairly quickly, but this wasn't that kinda book. It deals with deep issues that need to prayed over, and ideas contemplated. I've been reading it since August. God has been doing some serious healing in my life. Learning to let him love me and find myself in him. My worth. My beauty. My heart. He is who satisfies me and gives me the strength to live this life and go through the stormy times as well as the good. Teaching me to be a better woman - feminism nor a twisted sense of submission will not shake this. God is the solid foundation in my life when everything else is so unstable. Wow! Who knew?

ART...doing it off and on. Working on keeping it on! Doing some freelance stuff on the side so that's good. Learning to see again. See God's beauty and artistic eye and appreciating it!


Things are looking a bit up today! Praise God. But random as post, aye?

Current Thoughts

Listing my thoughts seemed to work well for me last time, so I'll do it again...

So..

1) I got accepted into the program to get back to New Zealand. Exciting! I have so much money to save up before I go, but I plan on leaving the states May 5, 2009! Like 5 months away!!

2) I made a for sure decision about changing churches, though it's hard because I'll miss people, but I need to go somewhere where I can be challenged and grow as a Christian. And a place that has a definite vision and purpose. God has changed me so much, I can't keep pretending to be the old me. I'll be changing full on in the new year. I don't want to be one of those people who just disappear and drop all responsibilities without telling people.

3) I...miss someone very much...and it hurts...it HURTS...and I'm amazed that I still feel this way 7 months later...and it's weird.. but hey, that's life I suppose...I'll hold it in my heart seeing where it's going; let it sit there for awhile till I can figure out this new...I don't know? Not sure what it's for but as long as God allows it there it will be. Oh but this new more emotional Cara (as if that's possible) is hard to deal with from day to day!!

4) I miss New Zealand life in general. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nowhere near perfect and that's nice. Acceptance for who you are instead of who people think you should be. Huge blanket statement of NZ, but there it is. I miss friends and CBC and everything. And I could live there permanently though I am nowhere near making that kind of decision.

5) I miss America... or rather, how America used to be for me, before I was torn between two countries. I missed so much in america while I was living abroad, and now that I'm back I appreciate these things a lot more, but I am constantly thinking about NZ. What time it is there. What I was doing this time last year. Wondering how people are and what's going on there, as well as re-experiencing life in America and caring about the people here. It's overwhelming!

6) Work is a drag...but that's no excuse for me not putting my all into it. Had my review today and although I did very well, there were some areas that I seriously need to work on - like being on time., and it hurts my witness for Christ. Lord help me to improve and see my job as working for you, even now while I'm looking for a new job! Why would you bless me with a new job if I'm not even doing my best at my current one? Even if I'm annoyed with the job and poor management and every other thing I can list... there is no excuse!

7) Art...I long to do it sooooooo much but I keep getting sidetracked. I'm too tired or discouraged. I make up dumb excuses. I've got to force myself to do this thing I love!!!It's like healing salve to my soul! SO necessary!

8) Still reading Captivating and still digesting the info. It such a huge part in the healing process of who I am. Such a big part

SO, that's what's been on my mind the last few days. I took a week long break from some things just to refocus myself.Not sure if I'm completely together, especially with #1 and#3 issues always on my mind...but I know that God is working in my life, drawing me close to him, especially during this immensely difficult time in my life.

Taking a break

I'm taking a break from stuff. To much stress in my life that needs to be dealt with. I don't know for how long, but if you feel led to, please pray for me.

It's been awhile...

There's so much on my mind...it's easier to just list it.

1. Looking for a new job...it's hard with all the people losing their jobs. Mine has already shrunk my hours down to 32, and it's just gonna get worse. I think our store will close soon. And probably in a shady way...

2. Missing New Zealand with a whole new passion...and I've been praying with the girls that it would get better. Perhaps calling NZ last week wasn't the best of ideas because it triggered something that just makes me miss them so much more. Thinking about taking a break from Facebook and Bebo so I can refocus things in my life.

3. Finally applied to BUNAC for the Work New Zealand Program so now I'm back to having very little saved up...But it's good to finally have it done. May 5th isn't too far away...but very far indeed!

4. Been real down about my art. Trying to break through it but the whispers of Satan are very cunning. Lord help me! The website is coming slowly...

5. Fighting the flesh constantly when it comes to my Spiritual life. God is so amazing working in me and growing me but I wrestle with him so much!

6. Church...a change is coming in the '09- actually it's already begun. I gotta go where God leads me...

7. Thinking about the Homeless of Cleveland. Since having Bible Study with the girls downtown, and being downtown more often anyway, my eyes have seen, and been shocked, and ashamed, and I need to know what I can do, if anything to help...looking into that and praying about it

8. Big money woes...and I need to trust God. I may actually move to NZ permanently so what does that mean in my life?

9. My bestest is getting serious with her boyfriend and it's exciting and scary. Engagement may be in the near future. Other dear friends are engaged already. And getting married weeks after I leave for NZ. I think I really am just going to end up missing everyone's wedding!

10. Guys keep hitting on me and it's bothering me -not like that. Not constantly, but quite a few times since my return to America. I suppose I should be complimented, but I'm not. Pizza shops, bus stops, grocery stores, and they have no chance of course, they're not even Christian, but what's with the influx of flirting? My heart is elsewhere...very elsewhere, and that's all anyone, for the time being, need know.

How's that for why my mind needs constant renewing from God. I'm stressed and he's the only one who can help.