Just Contemplating

If you've known me for any significant amount of time, you probably know that I'm very contemplative. My mind is always going a thousand miles an hour, it seems, with me just thinking about...well...stuff.

Like.......

I often wonder what it would be like to find a job that I actually love. What does it look like? How can I find it? Should I be searching differently? I don't mean to complain or anything like that. I just really want to do something that I would love...even just like...that I would feel a sort of deep satisfaction about where I'm working and what I'm doing.

I sometimes think about what it would be like to meet a guy who would have a passion for the things I have a passion for and cherish the God that I cherish and that would just be a comfortable person to be around. Not afraid to be the man that God calls them to be. Someone serious about Christ. For real. The person that would be my match. And I wonder if that person even exists. Seriously. After so many disappointments.......and am I that kinda person for them? And is that person someone I look for? Or I just live my life and God brings them? Or something else entirely different? And how do handle this continual "wait" period? I guess I'm at that age where a girl starts to wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to trust my deepest desires to God, fully and continually. Like REALLY trust Him and be content in what he's doing with them. I feel him growing me in this area but I wonder if I'll ever actually arrive there or at least somewhere close. Is this an unrealistic ideal?

I wonder when I will return to New Zealand again, even if just for a lil bit...What it will be like after being gone for so long? What new cool people will I meet? Would the fourth time be as good as the previous three? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Will it ever even happen?

I wonder what God has in store for me over the next 5 years or so. Will I still be in Cleveland, or will I live somewhere else? Will I be married? Will I have found a job that I would enjoy? Will I be unconcerned with the things that I am SO concerned with now? Will I be doing something that I can't even begin to imagine right now? How will my walk with God be? Will I be stronger in Him? Will I have actually stuck with this exercise thing I'm doing? Will I be a lot healthier?

These are the things that have been going through my head over the past few months, and recently stressing me out pretty badly. A big thing that I struggle with is fear. Fear of what could happen or not happen. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of misinterpreting situations in my life. Fear of being vulnerable and then wrong...otherwise known as fear of failure and/or rejection, etc. God's really be working on me with this deep rooted fear issue and I think it's going well. I'm growing slowly, but it's a hard bondage to destroy. Thank God that He has the strength to overcome because I sure don't.