Heartbroken

I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes the sin of the world is just so overwhelming...

I've been following an organization called Women at Risk International who try to rescue women and children from the sex trade industry all over the world. They help the women in so many ways, including counseling, bringing them to a safe house, and training them various trades so they can make a living, and reaching out with the gospel of Christ. The stuff that these women and children are going through all over the world is appalling, and disgusting, and heart-shattering. The fact that people are so eager to sleep with prostitutes and abuse children and treat them in such a horrendous way is overwhelming to me. The fact that some many people are kidnapped and used at big sporting events including the Superbowl is crazy. And the fact that there are so many sex slave trading strongholds even in America is horrific.

Well, anyway, today at the Women at Risk facebook page, they posted this article about the devastating truth behind the porn industry, siting a webpage of a former porn actress, Shelley Lubben, who has since come to know Christ, gone through massive counseling and had help in dealing with the trauma of the sex industry. Since 2002 she has been reaching out to others in the porn industry and people who struggle with porn-addiction, showing them the true effects of the industry and sharing Christ with them. Here website and the stats below can be found here: http://www.shelleylubben.com/

Porn Industry Statistics ( www.shelleylubben.com/)

36 porn stars died that we know of from HIV, suicide, homicide and drugs between 2007 and 2010.

66% of porn performers have Herpes, a non-curable disease.

2,396 cases of Chlamydia and 1,389 cases of Gonorrhea reported among performers since 2004.

Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.

26 cases of HIV reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM), since 2004.

70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females according to County of Los Angeles Public Health.

Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.

The largest group viewing online pornography is ages 12 to 17.

More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online.

There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.

50% of men and 20% of women in the church regularly view porn.

Of 1351 pastors surveyed, 54% had viewed Internet pornography within the last year.

Of all known child abuse domains, 48 percent are housed in the United States.

At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, a gathering of the nation’s divorce lawyers, attendees revealed that 58% of their divorces were a result of a spouse looking at excessive amounts of pornography online.

Child pornography is one of the fastest growing businesses online, and the content is becoming much worse. In 2008, Internet Watch Foundation found 1,536 individual child abuse domains.

Worldwide pornography revenue in 2006 was $97.06 billion. Of that, approximately $13 billion was in the United States.

It breaks my heart. Sin is so ugly and dark and sometimes I think we forget that Satan is working hard to destroy lives... I am so thankful to God who is so much more powerful and loving and is bringing people to him everyday and breaking the chains of bondage to this sin.

If you or someone you know struggles with porn addiction or sex addiction, a good resource to check out is Setting Captives Free (http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/).

Drifting Away

I was listening to this song today called "Drifting Away" by Tal & Acacia. I hadn't listened to their music in awhile, but God brought the song to mind today.

And it got me thinking...

Why is it so easy for us to drift away from God? Things go well and we forget him? Things fall apart and we forget him? Why do we try to fix the problem ourselves and think we don't need God? Or if things are going well, why do we take all of the credit for ourselves? That's crazy!

I don't want to be that way. I know it's because of our sinful nature, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to play the 'Christian' game that so many of us are playing where we pretend all is well at church and yet spend our time getting drunk, or swearing up a storm, or lying, or sleeping around, or living in habitual sin, etc, and not caring. We all struggle with sin, but do we care? Do we really understand the bondage we're in and our search for something to satisfy? Do we realize that satisfaction can only be found in Christ?

I don't want to drift away from God just because I can't be bothered to think of him and all he has done for me. I mean, seriously, how can we forget God? He created this world that we spend all of our time in. He created out bodies, our minds, our skills, everything. It's like we wake up each morning and willfully forget God. Then later, we lay down to sleep and realize that we haven't even thought of God today and vow to do better tomorrow. As each day goes by like this, we begin to forget to even feel bad about it. And we drift away, into our own thoughts, actions and abilities, and life, thinking we have it all together. That is, until something comes along to knock us down. Thank God he cares enough to knock us down. He cares enough to get our attention so we will turn back to him and realize that life isn't really about this life.

I don't pretend that I am perfect, for I am very much not, and I don't pretend to have it all figured out. What I do know is that we HAVE to spend time in relationship with God. Not for homework, or a checklist of 'good Christianity' but because we NEED God. There are so many lies thrown around out there in the world. How are we going to seperate the truth from the lies? How is God going to transform our lives and make us more like him? How are we going to live in freedom and be that bright beacon of light in a dark world for others?

Food for thought...


"His love is the thing that made it begin for the first time.
And his love set it right to keep us goin' on.
But we keep drifting away,from the love that makes life.
We keep drifting away from his side."

You know what? I've been lazy in blogging for sometime now. Usually I post a song, or video or excerpt from a book instead of writing much about myself and what's going on. What's the deal? I have heaps of time on my hands, I just use it doing something else.

That's gotta change.

Let's start with this.

I am a writer. I love writing music, short stories, and short film. As of late, I haven't done much except for writing music. While that's pretty good, I need to do more. Just recently, I've found a few friends who also share this interest in writing. We need to encourage and challenge each other. Hmm.

I like to learn new things. The past few weeks I've been learning to crochet. It's fun. My first project was to make a scarf. It turned out well. Now I'm working with a difficult yarn and making a baby blanket for one of my twin nephews who's on the way while my sis makes one for the other one. It's slow going, but not AS slow as I thought. ;)

That's good for today. Sweet and short. Cheers!

Hold Every Thought Captive

...Your heart is a fertile greenhouse ready to produce good fruit. Your mind is the doorway to your heart—the strategic place where you determine which seeds are sown and which seeds are discarded. The Holy Spirit is ready to help you manage and filter the thoughts that try to enter. He can help you guard you heart. He stands with you on the threshold. A thought approaches, a questionable thought. Do you throw open the door and let it enter? Of course not. You 'fight to capture every thought until it acknowledges the authority of Christ' (2 Cor. 10:5, Phillips).
You don’t leave the door unguarded. You stand equipped with handcuffs and leg irons, ready to capture any thought not fit to enter. For the sake of discussion, let's say a thought regarding your personal value approaches. With all the cockiness of a neighborhood bully, the thought swaggers up to the door and says, 'You're a loser. All your life you've been a loser. You've blown relationships and jobs and ambitions. You might as well write the word bum on your resume, for that is what you are.'

The ordinary person would throw open the door and let the thought in. Like a seed from a weed, it would find fertile soil and take root and bear thorns of inferiority. The average person would say, 'You're right, I'm a bum. Come on in.' But as a Christian, you aren't your average person. You are led by the Spirit. So rather than let the thought in, you take it captive. You handcuff it and march it down the street to the courthouse where you present the thought before the judgment seat of Christ. 'Jesus, this thought says I’m a bum and a loser and that I’ll never amount to
anything. What do you think?' See what you are doing? You are submitting the thought to the authority of Jesus. If Jesus agrees with the thought, then let it in. If not, kick it out. In this case Jesus disagrees.

How do you know if Jesus agrees or disagrees? You open your Bible. What does God think about you? Eph. 2:10 is a good place to check: 'For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do' (NIV). Or how about Romans 8:1: 'There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus' (NIV)? Obviously any thought that says you are inferior or insignificant does not pass the test - and does not gain entrance. You have the right to give the bully a firm kick in the pants and watch him run.

Let’s take another example. The first thought was a bully; this next thought is a groupie. She comes not to tell you how bad you are but how good you are. She rushes to the doorway and gushes, 'You are so good. You are so wonderful. The world is so lucky to have you,' and on and on the groupie grovels. Typically this is the type of thought you’d welcome. But you don’t do things the typical way. You guard your heart. You walk in the Spirit. And you take every thought captive. So once again you go to Jesus. You submit this thought to the authority of Christ. As you unsheathe the sword of the Spirit, his Word, you learn that pride doesn’t please God. 'Don’t cherish exaggerated ideas of yourself or your importance' (Rom. 12:3, Phillips). 'The cross of our Lord Jesus Christ is my only reason for bragging' (Gal. 6:14). As much as you’d like to welcome this thought of conceit into the greenhouse, you can’t. You only allow what Christ allows.

One more example. This time the thought is not one of criticism or flattery but one of temptation. If you’re a man, the thought is dressed in flashy red. If you’re a female, the thought is the hunk you’ve always wanted. There is the brush of the hand, the fragrance in the air, and invitation. 'Come on, it’s all right. We’re consenting adults.' What do you do? Well, if you aren’t under the authority of Christ, you throw open the door. But if you have the mind of Christ, you step back and say, 'Not so fast. You’ll have to get permission from big brother.' So you take this steamy act before Jesus and ask, 'Yes or no?' Nowhere does he answer more clearly than in I Corinthians 6 and 7: 'we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever.... Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly--but only with a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them' (6:18; 7:1-2, MSG). Now armed with opinion of Christ and the sword of the Spirit, what do you do? Well, if the tempter is not your spouse, close the door. If the invitation is from your spouse, then HUBBA HUBBA HUBBA.

The point is this. Guard the doorway of your heart. Submit your thoughts to the authority of Christ. The more selective you are about seeds, the more delighted you will be with the crop."

— from Just Like Jesus by Max Lucado, Word Publishing 1998, pp. 177-182

We Will Run

This song speaks volumes to my heart. It is exactly how I feel right now, with so much bad in this world and so much pain and suffering...and rejection of God. And my own hesitant heart that can't seem to care enough for God. Rebellious. Selfish. Unloving. Oh, God. Bring us back to you.




We will run - Gungor

Create in me a clean heart
For I have turned my face from You
Save us from our ways oh God, oh God
For we have turned away from You
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Your love and mercy build us shape us
Break and then recreate us now
Lord have mercy

We will run to you, we will run to you
Turning from our sin we return to You
Father heal your world, make all things new
Make all things new

Oh, bring us back to you

2010 and 2011 - wouldn't you like to know

Oh, ah, I guess I forgot to do the whole "what I've learned in 2010" and "Goals for 2011" thing. In fact, the Christmas tree and decorations are still up with no end in sight. Oh well. Here it goes:

What I've learned in 2010:

• That forgiveness towards others is an ongoing lesson that I will face often in my life
• When you pray and ask God to grow you, he will, but not in an 'overnight' or 'easy' or 'painless' kind of way.
• That I will never again work for the US Census Bureau
• That my self worth is found in God alone
• That God is fully capable and more than willing to set us free from life-long sin struggles
• That my heart needs to remain open, even when hurt...that some friendships can go deeper than others, but that I should never stop trying to be open and honest with others.
• That I love taking care of kids, especially my nephew
• That music, art, and encouragement are still my strongest spiritual gifts by far and therefore I need to find ways to use them more often
• That seeing friends and bands from New Zealand is an acceptable temporary alternative to not being in New Zealand
• That I need to live by the Spirit and what God's telling me to do
• That exercising regularly is possible
• That God has me where he wants me to be right now
• That being single opens many doors to awesome opportunities like traveling and moving down to S. Carolina for a few months
• That no matter how long I've been looking for a job, God will always provide for what I need. And that my definition of need is sometimes different that God's.
• That selling art is something I no longer want to do. It kills my spirit. I just want to paint and give to whomever is blessed by it.

• That people should really not be concerned with whether or not I'm married right now. I'm enjoying my singleness and I am glad to be free to do what God has me to do

Goals for 2011

• Eat healthier and exercise. Cliche I know, but I'm serious. I'm doing a Bible study course and eating plan that will help me in this area and will help to put the focus on God and not myself. If you want to know more about that, I have another blog entitled Elohim, My Heart's Desire
• Have an International Night every month or every other month to cook food with friends and learn about other cultures
• To hold art nights to paint with whoever is interested
• To travel somewhere this year, if even just to Canada
• To find a job!!!!
• To grow in my trust and love of God
• To care about others and show love to them
• To be content in where I am and what God has given me

So that's what I have thus far. I'm hoping for a great year!

Update in short

Can it really have been so long since I've posted? What have I been doing?

Well, I'm back from South Carolina. It was awesome, but I'm glad to be home too. Found out my bro and sis in law are expecting twins now. Awesome! Send prayers their way! I wonder how my nephew, Alex, will respond when the babies are born?

My other bro and sister in law had their first child on Halloween. Julius! What a cutie.

Then there was Thanksgiving and Christmas and they were a lot of fun. And now it's Monday morning of the last week of 2010 and here I am, preparing to job search again. And that's why I'm writing a blog, as a delay to the disappointment of finding nothing. So, you're all caught up ;)

Cheers!

On facebook, boredom, and being led by God

A funny thing happened earlier this week. I was bored and on FB (not a good combo) and ended up at the FB of a person I knew from college. He is now a pastor and I about jumped out of my chair at the idea. This guy, back in my college days, was not someone who I would've ever thought would become a pastor. Not that he was a horrible sort of person, but just not...likely to become a pastor. So anyway, there was a link to his church page and there I found audio sermons and I had to check it out. He had just recently given his testimony of while he was in college and what happened after so I listened to that one. It was nothing short of amazing. And God did nothing short of convict me and encourage me in just under a 20 min sermon.

There was a lot of stuff that happened in this guys' life and a lot that God had to do to make him realize his dependence on God. He called them the 'wilderness days.' He struggled with pride and living life like he didn't need God. He talked about how God had to bring him to a place of dependence on Him. God closed all of the doors and brought his pride down. God allowed situations in this guys' life that broke him and made him understand just how wrong he had been - running from what God had for him to do. He ended it by talking about how Gods' plans are so much better than our own, even when he takes us through the wilderness and the time of just horribleness or blahness, his plans are still better. We need to let God lead us. And when God's people don't let him lead, he brings them to the desert, to the wilderness until they have no other choice but to let God lead.

His testimony was very touching to me and I realized that I had been judging him and remembering him only in the context of his past, assuming a lot about him. We all struggle with this, I know, but God has really put it on my heart to look at people through his loving eyes. See how much God cares about them. See them as people who struggle too. See that they are on a journey too. And see that God can use anyone. I would hate for people to think of me only for the bad things i've done. People change, mature, encounter God, etc. We can't hold their past against them. We can't hold their present against them. This testimony of a guy I knew in college was another example of how we think we know people but we don't. And I realized how much pride I had. Praise God for revealing the truth and readily forgiving.

But God didn't just stop there.

I've been going through a hard time of not knowing what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to be. Not being able to find a full-time job and being frustrated that I'm 27 and living at home again. I'm frustrated about not being able to go to New Zealand to live again, or even to visit. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. It seems that every move I have tried to make had been thwarted. Everything I have done to try to lead myself has failed. I know I'm in the wilderness and have been for some time. I know that God is working on me, drawing me closer and closer to him. This guys' testimony was exactly what God wanted me to hear and to know. God wants me to follow him. To let him take the lead of my life. God is always working in my life. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming into what he wants to do. And sometimes I follow willingly. He has been disciplining me and making me depend on him; strengthening me, and just recently freeing me from some ugly sin that was controlling my life. Looking back on a lot of things, I see Gods' strong hand and heart in them and I see that the doors that God closed were for my own good and that the struggles I had were there to draw me closer to him. And I see how better it is now that he's taken me where I have been. It's still a struggle to let him lead, but God's working on me. I feel encouraged though. I am where I'm supposed to be. My situation is what God has me in right now. I remember the guy in the testimony saying that God's path is better no matter what it looks like. Sometimes it's a easy path filled with lots of joy and other times it's a very difficult path full of much sorrow. But the comfort is in knowing that God is leading us, and actually following him. One of the best illustrations from the testimony is that 'sometimes God lights one step at a time before us because if we saw what was over the edge we would pass out or be too scared to go on.' It just really encouraged me. There was so much more to the sermon, but that's how God spoke to me.

So, yeah, I need to let God lead me and be willing to follow him onto whatever path.

On travel and returning home...

Deep inside of myself, I'm finding that I want to live somewhere else. Not Ohio. Not South Carolina though it has been good to be here the past few months taking care of my nephew and hanging out with my bro and sis in law. But I want to GO somewhere. Have an adventure. Move to another place again and try life there. See how other Christians are worshipping God. See what use I could be there.

Here's what happened...or shall I say 'usually happens.'

I'm randomly doing something online or talking to someone or reading a book and then BAM the feeling ignites. This time around I found myself looking at different blogs of people that I don't know. Way too much time on my hands, I know. On blogger, up at the the top you can just click on next and it'll take you to someone else's blog. I'm sure lots of people have come to mine that way ;) I've looked at somewhere between 30 and 50 blogs today if I were to guess. These people were from all over. From America. From UK. From China. From Canada, etc etc. It was cool to see what's going on in the lives of other humans around the world.

The 'problem' is that since living in New Zealand, working with Koreans, befriending people from all over, watching far too many movies and reading books from around the world, my scope of the world has widened and well, it seems dull to stay in the same place that I've grown up in. I want to see other places and meet other people and do art and worship with others and all of that stuff that just has my heart beating way too fast. As Bilbo says in the Lord of the Rings "I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf."

But the question is will it ever happen? If God wants to keep me in the same place I know that he'll give me the contentment with it as I continue to seek him. Or does he want to move me?

We shall see, right?

As my time here comes to a close, I can't help but wonder what it will be like being home again. Good I'm sure. I miss heaps of people. I'm not looking forward to returning to the job search again, no no no. But there's a part of me that longs for something else...what to do about that?

So yes, dear friends, I will be heading home Nov. 13. I will seriously miss my nephew and brother and sister. It just part of life, right? But I'm excited to go home too. If you got this far in this post then good on ya because I know it's a very rambling sort of post.

That's all for now.

Cheers.

Life in the South

I'm living in South Carolina with my bro, sis-in-law, and their son for a couple months. I'm taking care of my 3 yr old nephew during the day while they wait for a daycare to open soon. It's going pretty well, but I'm missing home desperately.

It's fun playing mom during the day, but it's no easy thing. My nephew is a good little boy but he pushes his limits from time to time. We've been reading his Bible and trying to do a short little devo each day. We've also been working out of a book for kids entering kindergarden with him, so he's pretty smart. He knows how to write his name and recognize letters. He's learning to write his letters slowly but surely. He knows animals, food, transportation and the like. His counting skills are fantabulous and he's really excited about painting and coloring. One bright little boy. Oh yes, and he's obsessed with movies and books. We ARE related ;)

I've been using a car during the day and exploring with Alex. We've been going to storytime at the local library and also to work out at a local gym. My bro and sis-in-law were so kind to put me on their family plan. I put Alex in the gym's daycare go to an aerobics class that meets on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. It's hard work, but great. Haven't passed out yet. I know how to get to malls, shopping areas and Starbucks so that's covered. ;) I'm getting used to driving a large car, though many times I wish for the smaller one from home.

So yeah, things are pretty good.

However, my art is suffering quite a bit. I've started a picture but am a bit nervous about taking out the paint when the whole house is carpeted. Also, with the blank walls in my room, the inevitable has happened. My art muse has retreated to a small corner of my mind and won't come out unless it is fed enough creativity. I left all of my posters, designs and calendar at home and now I face the consequences. Beginning tomorrow I will enlist my nephew to draw some pictures to go on my wall so I can breath. Artistic meditations each day, that's what I says.

Alright, that's all I have for right now. To all my dear friends and family at home, know that I miss you all completely and truly. I'll be back in mid-november.

Where has August gone?

August has really flown by! Crazy! I guess summer really is coming to an end.

There's a lot that has happened in the past few weeks and much to look forward to.

Let's see...my best friend got married, I had an interview for a job but decided to withdraw the application, I'm going to see another Kiwi musician, The Ember Days, in concert next week, I am planning a trip with my mom and sis to Chicago at the end of this month, and after that I move down to S.C. with my bro and sis in law to take care of my 3 yr old nephew for 2 months.

P r e t t y b u s y ! !


Well, I thought I would have more to say but I don't. Cheers!

Art Ministry

Wow, has it really been a month since I've last written? Who knew?

I've been my random self as usual. Had a good visit with some New Zealand friends and they were sweet enough to give me some New Zealand chocolate that I've been craving for the last year or so lol. I even got to see a New Zealand band, Rapture Ruckus, in concert which was amazing! Pretty good month all in all.

I've also been thinking about this art ministry dream that I've had for awhile now. What is it? Well, let me begin with what God's been doing...

Being unemployed for so long has really got me thinking about what I want to do with my life. The re-igniting of my creative fire began with me taking a spiritual gifts test and my top 3 gifts being Music, Art, and Encouragement. It really challenged me to think about how I've been using these gifts and how I can in the future. Music, being the highest on the list, really got me thinking about what I can be doing with my musical skill. Currently I'm not singing or playing in a praise band, or even singing a choir, but I have been writing tons of music that I haven't uploaded onto my myspace music page yet. Yes, I have a music website. I'm still trying to figure out what I should be doing with my music but it's got me thinking...

Then about 4 months ago God put the desire in my heart to paint portraits of people from around the world again...in other words, doing something that I love as a means of getting myself back into regular painting...with a massive art project in mind.

Then, about a month ago when I was at my brothers church for the 4:12 BBQ and his elder came up to me and asked if I was still making movies. It may sound random to some of you who don't know, but I wrote, directed and edited 2 short films while I was in college and I had a lot of fun with them. I even held auditions lol. SO anyway, I told him that I wasn't and he asked me why not. I sat there and thought about it for a while and then said that I didn't really know why, except that I don't have a video camera. He gave me this weird look and then said why don't I grab someone who does and get to work. I laughed but seriously, the thought had never entered my mind. Duh! Afterwards and almost everyday since then I keep thinking about how I need to make a short film about something! I have a digital camera and can make like a low quality 5 min thing until I find someone with a video camera, but wow! How could I have forgotten one of my passions?

Finally, 2 weeks ago I was doing a career assessment with a friend and it challenged me to really think deeply about what I want to do. The three things that kept coming up were art, music, and helping people.

All of this has been drawing me to my dream of creating an art ministry. I don't have all the details of what I'm imagining but let me try to name a few keys things:

First of all I think it would be really cool to use art and reflection stations in the church to visually help people understand a sermon topic and/or sermon series. I did some stuff with this at my church in New Zealand and it was completely amazing and useful for guiding people to a deeper relationship with God. Another part of this ministry would be possibly holding free community art classes (not so much about teaching but everyone painting together with some teaching mixed in if need be) so that the focus is on community and creating together as a way to connect with each other and express themselves. There is something that it so completely freeing about doing art with others and I want to give people the opportunity to do that and have all of the materials there that they need too if possible. I'm also trying to figure out ways to use art to reach people for Christ and even as an encouragement to people who need encouragement in their lives.

A big part of this art ministry would be to help artists and creative types from all backgrounds to find ways to use their talents in the church...including painters, sculptors, graphic designers, photographers, playwrights, actors, chefs, filmmakers, musicians, singers, dancers, writers, interior designers, etc, etc. Artists tend to either get overlooked and ignored in church or be placed in ministries that are deemed 'artsy' but don't really tap in on the skills that they have. For example someone may be a musician, but be told to sing in the choir...even though they can't sing. Another person may be a painter and be told to design a website even though they know nothing of web design. An actress may be told to teach sunday school even though they're not really gifted in teaching.

The scope of this art ministry idea is so overwhelming sometimes that it often brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel like this dream is so big that it could never happen. There are people everywhere telling me what I should and shouldn't do. What I should dream and shouldn't dream. That I should 'be realistic' etc. The funny thing is that God's been preparing me for this. I wanted to live by the Spirit and really listen to what God's telling me and this...this is what he keeps saying. I have no idea where to begin. No idea if this dream will ever be realized. No idea of anything. It's such a scary and yet exciting place to be in. But I am confident that as I continue to seek God with the direction my life is taking, he will show me what to do, and help me step out in faith.

June Awakenings

As this month comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on how much God has grown me in such a short amount of time. I won't go into details on a public blog, but it's been really good and exasperatingly hard. Forgiveness, self-worth & standing up for myself, trust, patience & endurance, compassion, spiritual warfare, building authentic relationships...these have been some of the areas that God has been growing me in and making me more aware of. I'm excited to grow, even if it's painful but I wonder what he's preparing me for?

As I've been reading The Sacred Romance and The Journey of Desire, I've been opening my heart more to what God is doing in my life...and just as my desire for doing art again has exploded open, my desire for New Zealand is growing once again. I don't know why I have this deep connection to a place so incredibly far away, or even why in 2004 God challenged me to get over my fear of flying and brought me to that beautiful place for the first time but he has opened up this desire once again and I just wish I knew what to do with it. Dare I go back a fourth time? When? This year? Next year? What?

It's okay though. I don't need to have all of the answers. I just have to be open to what God's doing and let him lead me. Easier said than done, but I'll keep trying and he'll keep giving me those opportunities to grow. Of that, I can be sure. :)

A declaration

I refuse to enable people to continuously mistreat me. I am a daughter of God, of woman of integrity, and I will not stand for it any longer. I will not settle. I will not be used for what I can offer nor for what is temporarily convenient. I also will not let someone elses jealousy and belittling cause me to pull back and feel worthless any longer. God has given me these gifts and abilities for his purpose and too long have I hidden behind the fear of how others view me. I don't need any more false friends and I don't want to be false either. In my attempt to be authentic and real, and through this journey that God has been taking me on, I am learning how much of myself to openly share, not that I won't keep trying to build deeper friendships, but that I would heed the warning signs early on. I will not open the depths of my soul to just anyone without there first being a commitment of trust.

For men, this means I will not be emotionally close in sharing all about my life and struggles, hopes and dreams, etc and vice-versa without some sort of commitment and relational depth. Realistically, friendship can only go so far between us...otherwise it will end in someone getting hurt. I am not the type of female to lead anyone on and I will also not be exploited in such a way. I am not an appetizer to be sampled while waiting for the main course. I refuse to play those kind of games. Either risk the possibility of a rejection or move on. I wish more women would understand their worth and understand that they deserve respect. Hold christian guys to a higher standard...

For women this means not going too deep in conversations without trust being in place first, regardless of the amount of time that we have known each other. Building trust may take years and years or it may take months. Either way, this is not an overnight thing. I have risked my heart on many occasions in the hope of authentic community, and have been pleasantly surprised and horribly mistreated. This does not mean that I will not share my heart with people, quite the opposite. Authentic relationships are well worth the vulnerability and disappointment along the way. But if you prove untrustworthy, I'm afraid acquaintance is as far as it will ever go and that saddens me to no end. In an authentic relationship, both people benefit and sharpen and encourage each other and I wish everyone could experience that.

I gotta be about God and what he's doing in my life. In this process of him healing me from old and new hurts, I am growing closer to him. As Fireflight says in their song, "For Those Who Wait",

"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference is what makes it worth it."

My faith is not a joke. My heart is not a toy. My gifts are not useless.
If this is intimidating to anyone, so be it. I choose God as my satisfyer. He is more than trustworthy. He is good.


And I am excited about what he is doing in my life.

Fortress

Fortress by The Ember Days

Oh Your hand holds,
Your heart knows
What no one can.
Oh You see, You see me
When no one can

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

Sometimes I cannot see
You’re holding me
And my deepest needs
Your eyes see because You love me.
Nothing escapes You

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

You safely hold me.
Fears are leaving.
You gently love me.
Fears are leaving.

I know…..

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

These lyrics are going up on my wall because it's something I need to remember...

Cellphones, Canada and Stress Induced Insomnia.

My mind has been all over the place. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what in the world I am supposed to be doing? Cultivating new friendships? Job searching? Volunteering? Household chores? Reading a book? Praying? Art? What?

If you know, please tell me. I'm losing sleep over it.

On a side note, I ordered a new cell phone yesterday. It was time. Not a blackberry or droid or iphone or any of that nonsense. Just a normal messaging phone with a few perks. I'm usually hugely into all the new technology stuff, but at some point my brain has to kick in and really think about why I want something that can do everything that my computer can...I already have a computer. I already have a mp3 player, etc etc. And of course since these phones can do so many amazing things, you get the fantastic opportunity of paying extra monthly fees for media packages, unlimited texting, extra storage for videos and music, accessories etc, etc. I mean, are people really excited that they can watch a T.V. show on a tiny screen or a youtube video that takes ages to load on the new "faster" 3g network? Go home to your big flat screen HD tv or computer and watch it! I don't even want to ask some people how much their monthly phone bill is lol. And on top of all this, since you basically have a mini computer and the internet at your fingertips (not to be confused with your ipad and other mini computer that you bought), when you're hanging out with friends and family, instead of talking to them and having fun you can isolate yourself and play with your new gadget and not even be in tuned to the world around you. Who cares if it's extremely rude, as long as you are entertained? Congratulations.

Anywho, I'm planning a roadtrip to Canada soon so anyone with a passport is welcome to join me. If I don't leave the country soon, even for a weekend, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind!

How's that for randomness?

He Takes My Breath Away

I know it's late. It's well after 2am. I should be in bed but the fact is that I've been in bed all day so... it's all right. You see, I've been sick in bed all weekend and off and on throughout this past week. It hasn't been fun. I'm kind of a baby about it sometimes too. I feel sorry for myself and want someone to bring a steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup to my bedside and sympathize with my situation, telling me that all will be fine. Maybe even shed a few tears on my behalf. Is that too much to ask? Haha. It probably comes from being the youngest of four children and therefore getting a lot of care and concern when I wasn't feeling well. Either way, that's not the point of this entry.

Even though I was sick yesterday, I still managed to fool my body into feeling well enough to attend the Asian Festival. It was an amazing experience! It's the exact type of thing that I love to go to. I LOVE learning about other cultures and seeing dances and clothing and even just the beauty of each unique face that God has made on this earth.

It's inspiring! It actually brought me to tears this morning when I thought about how creative God is. How varied and mysterious his creation is. From plants to people to the cosmos and beyond...our God is nothing short of breathtaking. It is an honor to be made in the image of such magnificence!

And I am inspired.

I have such a deep yearning to paint different cultures again. I haven't done it in 5 years and I am ashamed to say so. It's what I most love to paint. How can I have forgotten this? And so, thanks to a long conversation with God, the images and memories flashing before my eyes, and probably some of the crazy fever dreams that I've had, I am beginning an art project of variation. A project of celebrated differences. A massive cultural art exploration like none I have ever done. I am so excited for what God has in store that I can't help but to feel...awed. Here the creator of the universe is, sitting with me over a cup of TheraFlu, encouraging me to share in his gift of creativity.

And His rapturous presence takes my breath away.

Dancing in the Rain

I confess. I have a huge fascination with dancing in the rain. When it's pouring down so hard that nothing can be seen even an arms length away, this is like the perfect weather to just be a child again. Barefoot. Splashing around in the puddles. Laughing. Undignified, sure. So? It's just lovely. But because of my "adultness" at the age of 26 , it would be looked down upon and so I generally run to seek shelter with the rest of them.

I remember having a job interview at Legacy Village a few years ago. I was dressed neatly and professionally. My hair was perfectly in place. The little make-up that I wear was applied with perfection. Resume in hand and confidence in place I walked into my interview with a smile. When I finished, I felt so good that I wanted to walk around and try to look for other places to submit my resume. I noticed the rain clouds in the sky but I figured that since it held off this long I would probably be fine. And my umbrella was in the car so...I started walking. Of course, the moment I was the farthest away from my car, it started to pour. Bucket loads people! I initially started to freak out. I was getting soaked! My resumes were getting soaked! My hair! I started to run back to where my car was parked but I had these cute little sandals on that were hard to run with in good weather and with it raining so much I started slipping around in them. Finally I stopped running and just stood there sighing. And then it hit me. Who cares? I love rain! Laughing like a mad women, I pulled of my shoes and just started walking...slowly. As I passed various stores I saw people huddled in doorways or behind windows, looking at this crazy barefooted woman walking through the parking lot without a care in the world. If you've been to Legacy before, you know the sort of "people" I'm talking about...looking down their nose at you. I didn't care. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I enjoyed every moment of it and still look back on it as being one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Yeah, my plans were ruined. My resumes were ruined. My shoes were ruined. And I looked like a horrible mess, but it was great! God's awesome like that.

When I think about the storms of life that come up, I wonder if instead of running to seek shelter or hiding, if perhaps I should just stay and dance in the rain. Yeah, I know it's cold. Yeah I know it'll completely drench whatever I'm wearing and probably ruin whatever items I have with me, but so? God tells us to take joy in our trials. That doesn't mean they'll be easy but I think our perspective will change.

With the things that have been keeping me down lately, I started doing some thinking...

I know it sucks, but is there any way that I can enjoy this time in my life? Yeah, I wish things would have worked out in the way I had hoped they would. First, with me going back to New Zealand. Second with me finding an amazing job that I could put my whole heart into AND pay the bills. Finally, meeting that special someone that just is like the icing on the cake of life. That person to do life with. Any one of those things by themselves would have been sweet at anytime. All of those desires and hopes have had opportunities come up and then crash to the ground within the last year. Some more than once.

But as I'm finding it difficult in being disappointed so regularly, is there even a small possibility that I can get some joy out of this chaos? My life isn't lacking excitement. I say it's dull and boring, but that's really just a lie. I'm not comfortable. I defiantly have a lot of unknowns and mysteries to keep it interesting. What about the idea of continually trusting God with my life? How does that actually work? Isn't it crazy that there is such an inward struggle every second of every day? It's like tug of war with God. I give it to God, I want to take it back and this is repeated so often that I don't even realize when I take it back until it trips me up once again.

The battle of Good verses Evil. How is that not exciting? Every good story has this and it so clearly covers my life. And with every good story, there are those extremely hard times that we face where a decision needs to be made to give up or push through the hardship. If there were a narrator in the background of my life right now they would be saying "and with all of this, when Cara feels she can no longer go on, will she give up, or will she overcome?

Maybe I'm going crazy because the stress has gotten to me or something, and this is a very likely scenario, but I find it kind of funny. I know how good God is. Why do I try to force my way and think I know best when clearly I can't see all of eternity. I can't even tell you what will happen 5 minutes from now. So, through this struggle, I have to look at it from another perspective I guess.

And learn to dance in the rain.

The Worst Fear

From "Captivating"....

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will all be known--- if it hasn't already been discovered---and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear---abandonment."

Yup. That's about right. I feel like I should have more commentary on this, but I'm still trying to soak it in....

On Cars and Prayer and right Brain-ed-ness

I guess I'm officially back into blogging. I've not really been doing it much for the past...ah..2 years or so, except to complain about how boring and stupid my life is lol. How's that for optimism? Not being somewhere cool, like New Zealand, makes it kinda hard to write something good I guess, but this is life so here I go.

Cars make really good Prayer Closets. Did you know that? I don't know what it is, there is just something...comfortable about sitting in a car and talking to God like he's sitting right next to you. Maybe it's the closeness. Maybe it's the openness. Sitting in a dark closet, that can be good. But sitting in a small space that is surrounded by windows...it's amazing. Especially when you park somewhere that has lots of trees and nature around! It's like you're in the...the...I don't know..."palace" of God's creation and it just frees you to talk honestly about life.

Today was one of those teary kinda situations. It's like steering wheels were made to cry on. Did they actually plan this when designing cars? They have it down to the exact height and placement of the wheel so that when you are overwhelmed to some degree with life, you have a perfect "shoulder" to cry on. How did they know?!

I had an amazing talk with God though. I had a lot of things on my mind (see previous post) and I'm unhappy about a certain situation in my life that's...well ...weird. Something that I didn't ask for, but now that it's here and I was just beginning to enjoy it, it's being taken away or something and I am completely powerless to stop it. And I want to stop it from going away. It's the exact kinda crazy sorta thing that first begins with curiosity and confusion, then acceptance, then pushing my own agenda, then falling flat on my face, then halfway trusting God and yet getting angry because I fall flat on my face again, and then finally I have no where to go and I must talk to God, if even to just rant and rave before falling to my knees before him in an utter mess of repentance and humility. This, my friends, is the life of an artist. Of a true right brainer.

And I'm thinking I'll need that "shoulder" to cry on again soon.