I know it's late. It's well after 2am. I should be in bed but the fact is that I've been in bed all day so... it's all right. You see, I've been sick in bed all weekend and off and on throughout this past week. It hasn't been fun. I'm kind of a baby about it sometimes too. I feel sorry for myself and want someone to bring a steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup to my bedside and sympathize with my situation, telling me that all will be fine. Maybe even shed a few tears on my behalf. Is that too much to ask? Haha. It probably comes from being the youngest of four children and therefore getting a lot of care and concern when I wasn't feeling well. Either way, that's not the point of this entry.
Even though I was sick yesterday, I still managed to fool my body into feeling well enough to attend the Asian Festival. It was an amazing experience! It's the exact type of thing that I love to go to. I LOVE learning about other cultures and seeing dances and clothing and even just the beauty of each unique face that God has made on this earth.
It's inspiring! It actually brought me to tears this morning when I thought about how creative God is. How varied and mysterious his creation is. From plants to people to the cosmos and beyond...our God is nothing short of breathtaking. It is an honor to be made in the image of such magnificence!
And I am inspired.
I have such a deep yearning to paint different cultures again. I haven't done it in 5 years and I am ashamed to say so. It's what I most love to paint. How can I have forgotten this? And so, thanks to a long conversation with God, the images and memories flashing before my eyes, and probably some of the crazy fever dreams that I've had, I am beginning an art project of variation. A project of celebrated differences. A massive cultural art exploration like none I have ever done. I am so excited for what God has in store that I can't help but to feel...awed. Here the creator of the universe is, sitting with me over a cup of TheraFlu, encouraging me to share in his gift of creativity.
And His rapturous presence takes my breath away.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Dancing in the Rain
I confess. I have a huge fascination with dancing in the rain. When it's pouring down so hard that nothing can be seen even an arms length away, this is like the perfect weather to just be a child again. Barefoot. Splashing around in the puddles. Laughing. Undignified, sure. So? It's just lovely. But because of my "adultness" at the age of 26 , it would be looked down upon and so I generally run to seek shelter with the rest of them.
I remember having a job interview at Legacy Village a few years ago. I was dressed neatly and professionally. My hair was perfectly in place. The little make-up that I wear was applied with perfection. Resume in hand and confidence in place I walked into my interview with a smile. When I finished, I felt so good that I wanted to walk around and try to look for other places to submit my resume. I noticed the rain clouds in the sky but I figured that since it held off this long I would probably be fine. And my umbrella was in the car so...I started walking. Of course, the moment I was the farthest away from my car, it started to pour. Bucket loads people! I initially started to freak out. I was getting soaked! My resumes were getting soaked! My hair! I started to run back to where my car was parked but I had these cute little sandals on that were hard to run with in good weather and with it raining so much I started slipping around in them. Finally I stopped running and just stood there sighing. And then it hit me. Who cares? I love rain! Laughing like a mad women, I pulled of my shoes and just started walking...slowly. As I passed various stores I saw people huddled in doorways or behind windows, looking at this crazy barefooted woman walking through the parking lot without a care in the world. If you've been to Legacy before, you know the sort of "people" I'm talking about...looking down their nose at you. I didn't care. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I enjoyed every moment of it and still look back on it as being one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Yeah, my plans were ruined. My resumes were ruined. My shoes were ruined. And I looked like a horrible mess, but it was great! God's awesome like that.
When I think about the storms of life that come up, I wonder if instead of running to seek shelter or hiding, if perhaps I should just stay and dance in the rain. Yeah, I know it's cold. Yeah I know it'll completely drench whatever I'm wearing and probably ruin whatever items I have with me, but so? God tells us to take joy in our trials. That doesn't mean they'll be easy but I think our perspective will change.
With the things that have been keeping me down lately, I started doing some thinking...
I know it sucks, but is there any way that I can enjoy this time in my life? Yeah, I wish things would have worked out in the way I had hoped they would. First, with me going back to New Zealand. Second with me finding an amazing job that I could put my whole heart into AND pay the bills. Finally, meeting that special someone that just is like the icing on the cake of life. That person to do life with. Any one of those things by themselves would have been sweet at anytime. All of those desires and hopes have had opportunities come up and then crash to the ground within the last year. Some more than once.
But as I'm finding it difficult in being disappointed so regularly, is there even a small possibility that I can get some joy out of this chaos? My life isn't lacking excitement. I say it's dull and boring, but that's really just a lie. I'm not comfortable. I defiantly have a lot of unknowns and mysteries to keep it interesting. What about the idea of continually trusting God with my life? How does that actually work? Isn't it crazy that there is such an inward struggle every second of every day? It's like tug of war with God. I give it to God, I want to take it back and this is repeated so often that I don't even realize when I take it back until it trips me up once again.
The battle of Good verses Evil. How is that not exciting? Every good story has this and it so clearly covers my life. And with every good story, there are those extremely hard times that we face where a decision needs to be made to give up or push through the hardship. If there were a narrator in the background of my life right now they would be saying "and with all of this, when Cara feels she can no longer go on, will she give up, or will she overcome?
Maybe I'm going crazy because the stress has gotten to me or something, and this is a very likely scenario, but I find it kind of funny. I know how good God is. Why do I try to force my way and think I know best when clearly I can't see all of eternity. I can't even tell you what will happen 5 minutes from now. So, through this struggle, I have to look at it from another perspective I guess.
And learn to dance in the rain.
I remember having a job interview at Legacy Village a few years ago. I was dressed neatly and professionally. My hair was perfectly in place. The little make-up that I wear was applied with perfection. Resume in hand and confidence in place I walked into my interview with a smile. When I finished, I felt so good that I wanted to walk around and try to look for other places to submit my resume. I noticed the rain clouds in the sky but I figured that since it held off this long I would probably be fine. And my umbrella was in the car so...I started walking. Of course, the moment I was the farthest away from my car, it started to pour. Bucket loads people! I initially started to freak out. I was getting soaked! My resumes were getting soaked! My hair! I started to run back to where my car was parked but I had these cute little sandals on that were hard to run with in good weather and with it raining so much I started slipping around in them. Finally I stopped running and just stood there sighing. And then it hit me. Who cares? I love rain! Laughing like a mad women, I pulled of my shoes and just started walking...slowly. As I passed various stores I saw people huddled in doorways or behind windows, looking at this crazy barefooted woman walking through the parking lot without a care in the world. If you've been to Legacy before, you know the sort of "people" I'm talking about...looking down their nose at you. I didn't care. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I enjoyed every moment of it and still look back on it as being one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Yeah, my plans were ruined. My resumes were ruined. My shoes were ruined. And I looked like a horrible mess, but it was great! God's awesome like that.
When I think about the storms of life that come up, I wonder if instead of running to seek shelter or hiding, if perhaps I should just stay and dance in the rain. Yeah, I know it's cold. Yeah I know it'll completely drench whatever I'm wearing and probably ruin whatever items I have with me, but so? God tells us to take joy in our trials. That doesn't mean they'll be easy but I think our perspective will change.
With the things that have been keeping me down lately, I started doing some thinking...
I know it sucks, but is there any way that I can enjoy this time in my life? Yeah, I wish things would have worked out in the way I had hoped they would. First, with me going back to New Zealand. Second with me finding an amazing job that I could put my whole heart into AND pay the bills. Finally, meeting that special someone that just is like the icing on the cake of life. That person to do life with. Any one of those things by themselves would have been sweet at anytime. All of those desires and hopes have had opportunities come up and then crash to the ground within the last year. Some more than once.
But as I'm finding it difficult in being disappointed so regularly, is there even a small possibility that I can get some joy out of this chaos? My life isn't lacking excitement. I say it's dull and boring, but that's really just a lie. I'm not comfortable. I defiantly have a lot of unknowns and mysteries to keep it interesting. What about the idea of continually trusting God with my life? How does that actually work? Isn't it crazy that there is such an inward struggle every second of every day? It's like tug of war with God. I give it to God, I want to take it back and this is repeated so often that I don't even realize when I take it back until it trips me up once again.
The battle of Good verses Evil. How is that not exciting? Every good story has this and it so clearly covers my life. And with every good story, there are those extremely hard times that we face where a decision needs to be made to give up or push through the hardship. If there were a narrator in the background of my life right now they would be saying "and with all of this, when Cara feels she can no longer go on, will she give up, or will she overcome?
Maybe I'm going crazy because the stress has gotten to me or something, and this is a very likely scenario, but I find it kind of funny. I know how good God is. Why do I try to force my way and think I know best when clearly I can't see all of eternity. I can't even tell you what will happen 5 minutes from now. So, through this struggle, I have to look at it from another perspective I guess.
And learn to dance in the rain.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
The Worst Fear
From "Captivating"....
Yup. That's about right. I feel like I should have more commentary on this, but I'm still trying to soak it in....
"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will all be known--- if it hasn't already been discovered---and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear---abandonment."
Yup. That's about right. I feel like I should have more commentary on this, but I'm still trying to soak it in....
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
On Cars and Prayer and right Brain-ed-ness
I guess I'm officially back into blogging. I've not really been doing it much for the past...ah..2 years or so, except to complain about how boring and stupid my life is lol. How's that for optimism? Not being somewhere cool, like New Zealand, makes it kinda hard to write something good I guess, but this is life so here I go.
Cars make really good Prayer Closets. Did you know that? I don't know what it is, there is just something...comfortable about sitting in a car and talking to God like he's sitting right next to you. Maybe it's the closeness. Maybe it's the openness. Sitting in a dark closet, that can be good. But sitting in a small space that is surrounded by windows...it's amazing. Especially when you park somewhere that has lots of trees and nature around! It's like you're in the...the...I don't know..."palace" of God's creation and it just frees you to talk honestly about life.
Today was one of those teary kinda situations. It's like steering wheels were made to cry on. Did they actually plan this when designing cars? They have it down to the exact height and placement of the wheel so that when you are overwhelmed to some degree with life, you have a perfect "shoulder" to cry on. How did they know?!
I had an amazing talk with God though. I had a lot of things on my mind (see previous post) and I'm unhappy about a certain situation in my life that's...well ...weird. Something that I didn't ask for, but now that it's here and I was just beginning to enjoy it, it's being taken away or something and I am completely powerless to stop it. And I want to stop it from going away. It's the exact kinda crazy sorta thing that first begins with curiosity and confusion, then acceptance, then pushing my own agenda, then falling flat on my face, then halfway trusting God and yet getting angry because I fall flat on my face again, and then finally I have no where to go and I must talk to God, if even to just rant and rave before falling to my knees before him in an utter mess of repentance and humility. This, my friends, is the life of an artist. Of a true right brainer.
And I'm thinking I'll need that "shoulder" to cry on again soon.
Cars make really good Prayer Closets. Did you know that? I don't know what it is, there is just something...comfortable about sitting in a car and talking to God like he's sitting right next to you. Maybe it's the closeness. Maybe it's the openness. Sitting in a dark closet, that can be good. But sitting in a small space that is surrounded by windows...it's amazing. Especially when you park somewhere that has lots of trees and nature around! It's like you're in the...the...I don't know..."palace" of God's creation and it just frees you to talk honestly about life.
Today was one of those teary kinda situations. It's like steering wheels were made to cry on. Did they actually plan this when designing cars? They have it down to the exact height and placement of the wheel so that when you are overwhelmed to some degree with life, you have a perfect "shoulder" to cry on. How did they know?!
I had an amazing talk with God though. I had a lot of things on my mind (see previous post) and I'm unhappy about a certain situation in my life that's...well ...weird. Something that I didn't ask for, but now that it's here and I was just beginning to enjoy it, it's being taken away or something and I am completely powerless to stop it. And I want to stop it from going away. It's the exact kinda crazy sorta thing that first begins with curiosity and confusion, then acceptance, then pushing my own agenda, then falling flat on my face, then halfway trusting God and yet getting angry because I fall flat on my face again, and then finally I have no where to go and I must talk to God, if even to just rant and rave before falling to my knees before him in an utter mess of repentance and humility. This, my friends, is the life of an artist. Of a true right brainer.
And I'm thinking I'll need that "shoulder" to cry on again soon.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Just Contemplating
If you've known me for any significant amount of time, you probably know that I'm very contemplative. My mind is always going a thousand miles an hour, it seems, with me just thinking about...well...stuff.
Like.......
I often wonder what it would be like to find a job that I actually love. What does it look like? How can I find it? Should I be searching differently? I don't mean to complain or anything like that. I just really want to do something that I would love...even just like...that I would feel a sort of deep satisfaction about where I'm working and what I'm doing.
I sometimes think about what it would be like to meet a guy who would have a passion for the things I have a passion for and cherish the God that I cherish and that would just be a comfortable person to be around. Not afraid to be the man that God calls them to be. Someone serious about Christ. For real. The person that would be my match. And I wonder if that person even exists. Seriously. After so many disappointments.......and am I that kinda person for them? And is that person someone I look for? Or I just live my life and God brings them? Or something else entirely different? And how do handle this continual "wait" period? I guess I'm at that age where a girl starts to wonder.
I wonder what it would be like to trust my deepest desires to God, fully and continually. Like REALLY trust Him and be content in what he's doing with them. I feel him growing me in this area but I wonder if I'll ever actually arrive there or at least somewhere close. Is this an unrealistic ideal?
I wonder when I will return to New Zealand again, even if just for a lil bit...What it will be like after being gone for so long? What new cool people will I meet? Would the fourth time be as good as the previous three? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Will it ever even happen?
I wonder what God has in store for me over the next 5 years or so. Will I still be in Cleveland, or will I live somewhere else? Will I be married? Will I have found a job that I would enjoy? Will I be unconcerned with the things that I am SO concerned with now? Will I be doing something that I can't even begin to imagine right now? How will my walk with God be? Will I be stronger in Him? Will I have actually stuck with this exercise thing I'm doing? Will I be a lot healthier?
These are the things that have been going through my head over the past few months, and recently stressing me out pretty badly. A big thing that I struggle with is fear. Fear of what could happen or not happen. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of misinterpreting situations in my life. Fear of being vulnerable and then wrong...otherwise known as fear of failure and/or rejection, etc. God's really be working on me with this deep rooted fear issue and I think it's going well. I'm growing slowly, but it's a hard bondage to destroy. Thank God that He has the strength to overcome because I sure don't.
Like.......
I often wonder what it would be like to find a job that I actually love. What does it look like? How can I find it? Should I be searching differently? I don't mean to complain or anything like that. I just really want to do something that I would love...even just like...that I would feel a sort of deep satisfaction about where I'm working and what I'm doing.
I sometimes think about what it would be like to meet a guy who would have a passion for the things I have a passion for and cherish the God that I cherish and that would just be a comfortable person to be around. Not afraid to be the man that God calls them to be. Someone serious about Christ. For real. The person that would be my match. And I wonder if that person even exists. Seriously. After so many disappointments.......and am I that kinda person for them? And is that person someone I look for? Or I just live my life and God brings them? Or something else entirely different? And how do handle this continual "wait" period? I guess I'm at that age where a girl starts to wonder.
I wonder what it would be like to trust my deepest desires to God, fully and continually. Like REALLY trust Him and be content in what he's doing with them. I feel him growing me in this area but I wonder if I'll ever actually arrive there or at least somewhere close. Is this an unrealistic ideal?
I wonder when I will return to New Zealand again, even if just for a lil bit...What it will be like after being gone for so long? What new cool people will I meet? Would the fourth time be as good as the previous three? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Will it ever even happen?
I wonder what God has in store for me over the next 5 years or so. Will I still be in Cleveland, or will I live somewhere else? Will I be married? Will I have found a job that I would enjoy? Will I be unconcerned with the things that I am SO concerned with now? Will I be doing something that I can't even begin to imagine right now? How will my walk with God be? Will I be stronger in Him? Will I have actually stuck with this exercise thing I'm doing? Will I be a lot healthier?
These are the things that have been going through my head over the past few months, and recently stressing me out pretty badly. A big thing that I struggle with is fear. Fear of what could happen or not happen. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of misinterpreting situations in my life. Fear of being vulnerable and then wrong...otherwise known as fear of failure and/or rejection, etc. God's really be working on me with this deep rooted fear issue and I think it's going well. I'm growing slowly, but it's a hard bondage to destroy. Thank God that He has the strength to overcome because I sure don't.
Saturday, May 08, 2010
Lies
This is something that John Eldredge (Stasi's husband) wrote that I found very interesting...
We Are Being Lied to All the Time
The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you? We are being lied to all the time. Yet we never stop to say, "Wait a minute . . . who else is speaking here? Where are those ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?" If you read the saints from every age before the Modern Era-that pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we all were thoroughly educated in-you'll find that they take the devil very seriously indeed. As Paul says, "We are not unaware of his schemes" (2 Cor. 2:11). But we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet.
Who caused the Chaldeans to steal Job's herds and kill his servants? Satan, clearly (Job 1:12, 17). Yet do we even give him a passing thought when we hear of terrorism today? Who kept that poor woman bent over for eighteen years, the one Jesus healed on the Sabbath? Satan, clearly (Luke 13:16). But do we consider him when we are having a headache that keeps us from praying or reading Scripture? Who moved Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the apostles? Satan again (Acts 5:3). But do we really see his hand behind a fallout or schism in ministry? Who was behind that brutal assault on your own strength, those wounds you've taken? As William Gurnall said, "It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons."
There is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes of our lives than most of us have been led to believe. (Wild at Heart , 152-53)
We Are Being Lied to All the Time
The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you? We are being lied to all the time. Yet we never stop to say, "Wait a minute . . . who else is speaking here? Where are those ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?" If you read the saints from every age before the Modern Era-that pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we all were thoroughly educated in-you'll find that they take the devil very seriously indeed. As Paul says, "We are not unaware of his schemes" (2 Cor. 2:11). But we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet.
Who caused the Chaldeans to steal Job's herds and kill his servants? Satan, clearly (Job 1:12, 17). Yet do we even give him a passing thought when we hear of terrorism today? Who kept that poor woman bent over for eighteen years, the one Jesus healed on the Sabbath? Satan, clearly (Luke 13:16). But do we consider him when we are having a headache that keeps us from praying or reading Scripture? Who moved Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the apostles? Satan again (Acts 5:3). But do we really see his hand behind a fallout or schism in ministry? Who was behind that brutal assault on your own strength, those wounds you've taken? As William Gurnall said, "It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons."
There is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes of our lives than most of us have been led to believe. (Wild at Heart , 152-53)
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