Update in short

Can it really have been so long since I've posted? What have I been doing?

Well, I'm back from South Carolina. It was awesome, but I'm glad to be home too. Found out my bro and sis in law are expecting twins now. Awesome! Send prayers their way! I wonder how my nephew, Alex, will respond when the babies are born?

My other bro and sister in law had their first child on Halloween. Julius! What a cutie.

Then there was Thanksgiving and Christmas and they were a lot of fun. And now it's Monday morning of the last week of 2010 and here I am, preparing to job search again. And that's why I'm writing a blog, as a delay to the disappointment of finding nothing. So, you're all caught up ;)

Cheers!

On facebook, boredom, and being led by God

A funny thing happened earlier this week. I was bored and on FB (not a good combo) and ended up at the FB of a person I knew from college. He is now a pastor and I about jumped out of my chair at the idea. This guy, back in my college days, was not someone who I would've ever thought would become a pastor. Not that he was a horrible sort of person, but just not...likely to become a pastor. So anyway, there was a link to his church page and there I found audio sermons and I had to check it out. He had just recently given his testimony of while he was in college and what happened after so I listened to that one. It was nothing short of amazing. And God did nothing short of convict me and encourage me in just under a 20 min sermon.

There was a lot of stuff that happened in this guys' life and a lot that God had to do to make him realize his dependence on God. He called them the 'wilderness days.' He struggled with pride and living life like he didn't need God. He talked about how God had to bring him to a place of dependence on Him. God closed all of the doors and brought his pride down. God allowed situations in this guys' life that broke him and made him understand just how wrong he had been - running from what God had for him to do. He ended it by talking about how Gods' plans are so much better than our own, even when he takes us through the wilderness and the time of just horribleness or blahness, his plans are still better. We need to let God lead us. And when God's people don't let him lead, he brings them to the desert, to the wilderness until they have no other choice but to let God lead.

His testimony was very touching to me and I realized that I had been judging him and remembering him only in the context of his past, assuming a lot about him. We all struggle with this, I know, but God has really put it on my heart to look at people through his loving eyes. See how much God cares about them. See them as people who struggle too. See that they are on a journey too. And see that God can use anyone. I would hate for people to think of me only for the bad things i've done. People change, mature, encounter God, etc. We can't hold their past against them. We can't hold their present against them. This testimony of a guy I knew in college was another example of how we think we know people but we don't. And I realized how much pride I had. Praise God for revealing the truth and readily forgiving.

But God didn't just stop there.

I've been going through a hard time of not knowing what I'm supposed to do or where I'm supposed to be. Not being able to find a full-time job and being frustrated that I'm 27 and living at home again. I'm frustrated about not being able to go to New Zealand to live again, or even to visit. I'm frustrated about a lot of things. It seems that every move I have tried to make had been thwarted. Everything I have done to try to lead myself has failed. I know I'm in the wilderness and have been for some time. I know that God is working on me, drawing me closer and closer to him. This guys' testimony was exactly what God wanted me to hear and to know. God wants me to follow him. To let him take the lead of my life. God is always working in my life. Sometimes I'm kicking and screaming into what he wants to do. And sometimes I follow willingly. He has been disciplining me and making me depend on him; strengthening me, and just recently freeing me from some ugly sin that was controlling my life. Looking back on a lot of things, I see Gods' strong hand and heart in them and I see that the doors that God closed were for my own good and that the struggles I had were there to draw me closer to him. And I see how better it is now that he's taken me where I have been. It's still a struggle to let him lead, but God's working on me. I feel encouraged though. I am where I'm supposed to be. My situation is what God has me in right now. I remember the guy in the testimony saying that God's path is better no matter what it looks like. Sometimes it's a easy path filled with lots of joy and other times it's a very difficult path full of much sorrow. But the comfort is in knowing that God is leading us, and actually following him. One of the best illustrations from the testimony is that 'sometimes God lights one step at a time before us because if we saw what was over the edge we would pass out or be too scared to go on.' It just really encouraged me. There was so much more to the sermon, but that's how God spoke to me.

So, yeah, I need to let God lead me and be willing to follow him onto whatever path.

On travel and returning home...

Deep inside of myself, I'm finding that I want to live somewhere else. Not Ohio. Not South Carolina though it has been good to be here the past few months taking care of my nephew and hanging out with my bro and sis in law. But I want to GO somewhere. Have an adventure. Move to another place again and try life there. See how other Christians are worshipping God. See what use I could be there.

Here's what happened...or shall I say 'usually happens.'

I'm randomly doing something online or talking to someone or reading a book and then BAM the feeling ignites. This time around I found myself looking at different blogs of people that I don't know. Way too much time on my hands, I know. On blogger, up at the the top you can just click on next and it'll take you to someone else's blog. I'm sure lots of people have come to mine that way ;) I've looked at somewhere between 30 and 50 blogs today if I were to guess. These people were from all over. From America. From UK. From China. From Canada, etc etc. It was cool to see what's going on in the lives of other humans around the world.

The 'problem' is that since living in New Zealand, working with Koreans, befriending people from all over, watching far too many movies and reading books from around the world, my scope of the world has widened and well, it seems dull to stay in the same place that I've grown up in. I want to see other places and meet other people and do art and worship with others and all of that stuff that just has my heart beating way too fast. As Bilbo says in the Lord of the Rings "I want to see mountains again, mountains, Gandalf."

But the question is will it ever happen? If God wants to keep me in the same place I know that he'll give me the contentment with it as I continue to seek him. Or does he want to move me?

We shall see, right?

As my time here comes to a close, I can't help but wonder what it will be like being home again. Good I'm sure. I miss heaps of people. I'm not looking forward to returning to the job search again, no no no. But there's a part of me that longs for something else...what to do about that?

So yes, dear friends, I will be heading home Nov. 13. I will seriously miss my nephew and brother and sister. It just part of life, right? But I'm excited to go home too. If you got this far in this post then good on ya because I know it's a very rambling sort of post.

That's all for now.

Cheers.

Life in the South

I'm living in South Carolina with my bro, sis-in-law, and their son for a couple months. I'm taking care of my 3 yr old nephew during the day while they wait for a daycare to open soon. It's going pretty well, but I'm missing home desperately.

It's fun playing mom during the day, but it's no easy thing. My nephew is a good little boy but he pushes his limits from time to time. We've been reading his Bible and trying to do a short little devo each day. We've also been working out of a book for kids entering kindergarden with him, so he's pretty smart. He knows how to write his name and recognize letters. He's learning to write his letters slowly but surely. He knows animals, food, transportation and the like. His counting skills are fantabulous and he's really excited about painting and coloring. One bright little boy. Oh yes, and he's obsessed with movies and books. We ARE related ;)

I've been using a car during the day and exploring with Alex. We've been going to storytime at the local library and also to work out at a local gym. My bro and sis-in-law were so kind to put me on their family plan. I put Alex in the gym's daycare go to an aerobics class that meets on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. It's hard work, but great. Haven't passed out yet. I know how to get to malls, shopping areas and Starbucks so that's covered. ;) I'm getting used to driving a large car, though many times I wish for the smaller one from home.

So yeah, things are pretty good.

However, my art is suffering quite a bit. I've started a picture but am a bit nervous about taking out the paint when the whole house is carpeted. Also, with the blank walls in my room, the inevitable has happened. My art muse has retreated to a small corner of my mind and won't come out unless it is fed enough creativity. I left all of my posters, designs and calendar at home and now I face the consequences. Beginning tomorrow I will enlist my nephew to draw some pictures to go on my wall so I can breath. Artistic meditations each day, that's what I says.

Alright, that's all I have for right now. To all my dear friends and family at home, know that I miss you all completely and truly. I'll be back in mid-november.

Where has August gone?

August has really flown by! Crazy! I guess summer really is coming to an end.

There's a lot that has happened in the past few weeks and much to look forward to.

Let's see...my best friend got married, I had an interview for a job but decided to withdraw the application, I'm going to see another Kiwi musician, The Ember Days, in concert next week, I am planning a trip with my mom and sis to Chicago at the end of this month, and after that I move down to S.C. with my bro and sis in law to take care of my 3 yr old nephew for 2 months.

P r e t t y b u s y ! !


Well, I thought I would have more to say but I don't. Cheers!

Art Ministry

Wow, has it really been a month since I've last written? Who knew?

I've been my random self as usual. Had a good visit with some New Zealand friends and they were sweet enough to give me some New Zealand chocolate that I've been craving for the last year or so lol. I even got to see a New Zealand band, Rapture Ruckus, in concert which was amazing! Pretty good month all in all.

I've also been thinking about this art ministry dream that I've had for awhile now. What is it? Well, let me begin with what God's been doing...

Being unemployed for so long has really got me thinking about what I want to do with my life. The re-igniting of my creative fire began with me taking a spiritual gifts test and my top 3 gifts being Music, Art, and Encouragement. It really challenged me to think about how I've been using these gifts and how I can in the future. Music, being the highest on the list, really got me thinking about what I can be doing with my musical skill. Currently I'm not singing or playing in a praise band, or even singing a choir, but I have been writing tons of music that I haven't uploaded onto my myspace music page yet. Yes, I have a music website. I'm still trying to figure out what I should be doing with my music but it's got me thinking...

Then about 4 months ago God put the desire in my heart to paint portraits of people from around the world again...in other words, doing something that I love as a means of getting myself back into regular painting...with a massive art project in mind.

Then, about a month ago when I was at my brothers church for the 4:12 BBQ and his elder came up to me and asked if I was still making movies. It may sound random to some of you who don't know, but I wrote, directed and edited 2 short films while I was in college and I had a lot of fun with them. I even held auditions lol. SO anyway, I told him that I wasn't and he asked me why not. I sat there and thought about it for a while and then said that I didn't really know why, except that I don't have a video camera. He gave me this weird look and then said why don't I grab someone who does and get to work. I laughed but seriously, the thought had never entered my mind. Duh! Afterwards and almost everyday since then I keep thinking about how I need to make a short film about something! I have a digital camera and can make like a low quality 5 min thing until I find someone with a video camera, but wow! How could I have forgotten one of my passions?

Finally, 2 weeks ago I was doing a career assessment with a friend and it challenged me to really think deeply about what I want to do. The three things that kept coming up were art, music, and helping people.

All of this has been drawing me to my dream of creating an art ministry. I don't have all the details of what I'm imagining but let me try to name a few keys things:

First of all I think it would be really cool to use art and reflection stations in the church to visually help people understand a sermon topic and/or sermon series. I did some stuff with this at my church in New Zealand and it was completely amazing and useful for guiding people to a deeper relationship with God. Another part of this ministry would be possibly holding free community art classes (not so much about teaching but everyone painting together with some teaching mixed in if need be) so that the focus is on community and creating together as a way to connect with each other and express themselves. There is something that it so completely freeing about doing art with others and I want to give people the opportunity to do that and have all of the materials there that they need too if possible. I'm also trying to figure out ways to use art to reach people for Christ and even as an encouragement to people who need encouragement in their lives.

A big part of this art ministry would be to help artists and creative types from all backgrounds to find ways to use their talents in the church...including painters, sculptors, graphic designers, photographers, playwrights, actors, chefs, filmmakers, musicians, singers, dancers, writers, interior designers, etc, etc. Artists tend to either get overlooked and ignored in church or be placed in ministries that are deemed 'artsy' but don't really tap in on the skills that they have. For example someone may be a musician, but be told to sing in the choir...even though they can't sing. Another person may be a painter and be told to design a website even though they know nothing of web design. An actress may be told to teach sunday school even though they're not really gifted in teaching.

The scope of this art ministry idea is so overwhelming sometimes that it often brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I feel like this dream is so big that it could never happen. There are people everywhere telling me what I should and shouldn't do. What I should dream and shouldn't dream. That I should 'be realistic' etc. The funny thing is that God's been preparing me for this. I wanted to live by the Spirit and really listen to what God's telling me and this...this is what he keeps saying. I have no idea where to begin. No idea if this dream will ever be realized. No idea of anything. It's such a scary and yet exciting place to be in. But I am confident that as I continue to seek God with the direction my life is taking, he will show me what to do, and help me step out in faith.

June Awakenings

As this month comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on how much God has grown me in such a short amount of time. I won't go into details on a public blog, but it's been really good and exasperatingly hard. Forgiveness, self-worth & standing up for myself, trust, patience & endurance, compassion, spiritual warfare, building authentic relationships...these have been some of the areas that God has been growing me in and making me more aware of. I'm excited to grow, even if it's painful but I wonder what he's preparing me for?

As I've been reading The Sacred Romance and The Journey of Desire, I've been opening my heart more to what God is doing in my life...and just as my desire for doing art again has exploded open, my desire for New Zealand is growing once again. I don't know why I have this deep connection to a place so incredibly far away, or even why in 2004 God challenged me to get over my fear of flying and brought me to that beautiful place for the first time but he has opened up this desire once again and I just wish I knew what to do with it. Dare I go back a fourth time? When? This year? Next year? What?

It's okay though. I don't need to have all of the answers. I just have to be open to what God's doing and let him lead me. Easier said than done, but I'll keep trying and he'll keep giving me those opportunities to grow. Of that, I can be sure. :)

A declaration

I refuse to enable people to continuously mistreat me. I am a daughter of God, of woman of integrity, and I will not stand for it any longer. I will not settle. I will not be used for what I can offer nor for what is temporarily convenient. I also will not let someone elses jealousy and belittling cause me to pull back and feel worthless any longer. God has given me these gifts and abilities for his purpose and too long have I hidden behind the fear of how others view me. I don't need any more false friends and I don't want to be false either. In my attempt to be authentic and real, and through this journey that God has been taking me on, I am learning how much of myself to openly share, not that I won't keep trying to build deeper friendships, but that I would heed the warning signs early on. I will not open the depths of my soul to just anyone without there first being a commitment of trust.

For men, this means I will not be emotionally close in sharing all about my life and struggles, hopes and dreams, etc and vice-versa without some sort of commitment and relational depth. Realistically, friendship can only go so far between us...otherwise it will end in someone getting hurt. I am not the type of female to lead anyone on and I will also not be exploited in such a way. I am not an appetizer to be sampled while waiting for the main course. I refuse to play those kind of games. Either risk the possibility of a rejection or move on. I wish more women would understand their worth and understand that they deserve respect. Hold christian guys to a higher standard...

For women this means not going too deep in conversations without trust being in place first, regardless of the amount of time that we have known each other. Building trust may take years and years or it may take months. Either way, this is not an overnight thing. I have risked my heart on many occasions in the hope of authentic community, and have been pleasantly surprised and horribly mistreated. This does not mean that I will not share my heart with people, quite the opposite. Authentic relationships are well worth the vulnerability and disappointment along the way. But if you prove untrustworthy, I'm afraid acquaintance is as far as it will ever go and that saddens me to no end. In an authentic relationship, both people benefit and sharpen and encourage each other and I wish everyone could experience that.

I gotta be about God and what he's doing in my life. In this process of him healing me from old and new hurts, I am growing closer to him. As Fireflight says in their song, "For Those Who Wait",

"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference is what makes it worth it."

My faith is not a joke. My heart is not a toy. My gifts are not useless.
If this is intimidating to anyone, so be it. I choose God as my satisfyer. He is more than trustworthy. He is good.


And I am excited about what he is doing in my life.

Fortress

Fortress by The Ember Days

Oh Your hand holds,
Your heart knows
What no one can.
Oh You see, You see me
When no one can

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

Sometimes I cannot see
You’re holding me
And my deepest needs
Your eyes see because You love me.
Nothing escapes You

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

You safely hold me.
Fears are leaving.
You gently love me.
Fears are leaving.

I know…..

Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus

These lyrics are going up on my wall because it's something I need to remember...

Cellphones, Canada and Stress Induced Insomnia.

My mind has been all over the place. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what in the world I am supposed to be doing? Cultivating new friendships? Job searching? Volunteering? Household chores? Reading a book? Praying? Art? What?

If you know, please tell me. I'm losing sleep over it.

On a side note, I ordered a new cell phone yesterday. It was time. Not a blackberry or droid or iphone or any of that nonsense. Just a normal messaging phone with a few perks. I'm usually hugely into all the new technology stuff, but at some point my brain has to kick in and really think about why I want something that can do everything that my computer can...I already have a computer. I already have a mp3 player, etc etc. And of course since these phones can do so many amazing things, you get the fantastic opportunity of paying extra monthly fees for media packages, unlimited texting, extra storage for videos and music, accessories etc, etc. I mean, are people really excited that they can watch a T.V. show on a tiny screen or a youtube video that takes ages to load on the new "faster" 3g network? Go home to your big flat screen HD tv or computer and watch it! I don't even want to ask some people how much their monthly phone bill is lol. And on top of all this, since you basically have a mini computer and the internet at your fingertips (not to be confused with your ipad and other mini computer that you bought), when you're hanging out with friends and family, instead of talking to them and having fun you can isolate yourself and play with your new gadget and not even be in tuned to the world around you. Who cares if it's extremely rude, as long as you are entertained? Congratulations.

Anywho, I'm planning a roadtrip to Canada soon so anyone with a passport is welcome to join me. If I don't leave the country soon, even for a weekend, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind!

How's that for randomness?

He Takes My Breath Away

I know it's late. It's well after 2am. I should be in bed but the fact is that I've been in bed all day so... it's all right. You see, I've been sick in bed all weekend and off and on throughout this past week. It hasn't been fun. I'm kind of a baby about it sometimes too. I feel sorry for myself and want someone to bring a steaming bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup to my bedside and sympathize with my situation, telling me that all will be fine. Maybe even shed a few tears on my behalf. Is that too much to ask? Haha. It probably comes from being the youngest of four children and therefore getting a lot of care and concern when I wasn't feeling well. Either way, that's not the point of this entry.

Even though I was sick yesterday, I still managed to fool my body into feeling well enough to attend the Asian Festival. It was an amazing experience! It's the exact type of thing that I love to go to. I LOVE learning about other cultures and seeing dances and clothing and even just the beauty of each unique face that God has made on this earth.

It's inspiring! It actually brought me to tears this morning when I thought about how creative God is. How varied and mysterious his creation is. From plants to people to the cosmos and beyond...our God is nothing short of breathtaking. It is an honor to be made in the image of such magnificence!

And I am inspired.

I have such a deep yearning to paint different cultures again. I haven't done it in 5 years and I am ashamed to say so. It's what I most love to paint. How can I have forgotten this? And so, thanks to a long conversation with God, the images and memories flashing before my eyes, and probably some of the crazy fever dreams that I've had, I am beginning an art project of variation. A project of celebrated differences. A massive cultural art exploration like none I have ever done. I am so excited for what God has in store that I can't help but to feel...awed. Here the creator of the universe is, sitting with me over a cup of TheraFlu, encouraging me to share in his gift of creativity.

And His rapturous presence takes my breath away.

Dancing in the Rain

I confess. I have a huge fascination with dancing in the rain. When it's pouring down so hard that nothing can be seen even an arms length away, this is like the perfect weather to just be a child again. Barefoot. Splashing around in the puddles. Laughing. Undignified, sure. So? It's just lovely. But because of my "adultness" at the age of 26 , it would be looked down upon and so I generally run to seek shelter with the rest of them.

I remember having a job interview at Legacy Village a few years ago. I was dressed neatly and professionally. My hair was perfectly in place. The little make-up that I wear was applied with perfection. Resume in hand and confidence in place I walked into my interview with a smile. When I finished, I felt so good that I wanted to walk around and try to look for other places to submit my resume. I noticed the rain clouds in the sky but I figured that since it held off this long I would probably be fine. And my umbrella was in the car so...I started walking. Of course, the moment I was the farthest away from my car, it started to pour. Bucket loads people! I initially started to freak out. I was getting soaked! My resumes were getting soaked! My hair! I started to run back to where my car was parked but I had these cute little sandals on that were hard to run with in good weather and with it raining so much I started slipping around in them. Finally I stopped running and just stood there sighing. And then it hit me. Who cares? I love rain! Laughing like a mad women, I pulled of my shoes and just started walking...slowly. As I passed various stores I saw people huddled in doorways or behind windows, looking at this crazy barefooted woman walking through the parking lot without a care in the world. If you've been to Legacy before, you know the sort of "people" I'm talking about...looking down their nose at you. I didn't care. I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I enjoyed every moment of it and still look back on it as being one of the most freeing experiences of my life. Yeah, my plans were ruined. My resumes were ruined. My shoes were ruined. And I looked like a horrible mess, but it was great! God's awesome like that.

When I think about the storms of life that come up, I wonder if instead of running to seek shelter or hiding, if perhaps I should just stay and dance in the rain. Yeah, I know it's cold. Yeah I know it'll completely drench whatever I'm wearing and probably ruin whatever items I have with me, but so? God tells us to take joy in our trials. That doesn't mean they'll be easy but I think our perspective will change.

With the things that have been keeping me down lately, I started doing some thinking...

I know it sucks, but is there any way that I can enjoy this time in my life? Yeah, I wish things would have worked out in the way I had hoped they would. First, with me going back to New Zealand. Second with me finding an amazing job that I could put my whole heart into AND pay the bills. Finally, meeting that special someone that just is like the icing on the cake of life. That person to do life with. Any one of those things by themselves would have been sweet at anytime. All of those desires and hopes have had opportunities come up and then crash to the ground within the last year. Some more than once.

But as I'm finding it difficult in being disappointed so regularly, is there even a small possibility that I can get some joy out of this chaos? My life isn't lacking excitement. I say it's dull and boring, but that's really just a lie. I'm not comfortable. I defiantly have a lot of unknowns and mysteries to keep it interesting. What about the idea of continually trusting God with my life? How does that actually work? Isn't it crazy that there is such an inward struggle every second of every day? It's like tug of war with God. I give it to God, I want to take it back and this is repeated so often that I don't even realize when I take it back until it trips me up once again.

The battle of Good verses Evil. How is that not exciting? Every good story has this and it so clearly covers my life. And with every good story, there are those extremely hard times that we face where a decision needs to be made to give up or push through the hardship. If there were a narrator in the background of my life right now they would be saying "and with all of this, when Cara feels she can no longer go on, will she give up, or will she overcome?

Maybe I'm going crazy because the stress has gotten to me or something, and this is a very likely scenario, but I find it kind of funny. I know how good God is. Why do I try to force my way and think I know best when clearly I can't see all of eternity. I can't even tell you what will happen 5 minutes from now. So, through this struggle, I have to look at it from another perspective I guess.

And learn to dance in the rain.

The Worst Fear

From "Captivating"....

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will all be known--- if it hasn't already been discovered---and that she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. That is a woman's worst fear---abandonment."

Yup. That's about right. I feel like I should have more commentary on this, but I'm still trying to soak it in....

On Cars and Prayer and right Brain-ed-ness

I guess I'm officially back into blogging. I've not really been doing it much for the past...ah..2 years or so, except to complain about how boring and stupid my life is lol. How's that for optimism? Not being somewhere cool, like New Zealand, makes it kinda hard to write something good I guess, but this is life so here I go.

Cars make really good Prayer Closets. Did you know that? I don't know what it is, there is just something...comfortable about sitting in a car and talking to God like he's sitting right next to you. Maybe it's the closeness. Maybe it's the openness. Sitting in a dark closet, that can be good. But sitting in a small space that is surrounded by windows...it's amazing. Especially when you park somewhere that has lots of trees and nature around! It's like you're in the...the...I don't know..."palace" of God's creation and it just frees you to talk honestly about life.

Today was one of those teary kinda situations. It's like steering wheels were made to cry on. Did they actually plan this when designing cars? They have it down to the exact height and placement of the wheel so that when you are overwhelmed to some degree with life, you have a perfect "shoulder" to cry on. How did they know?!

I had an amazing talk with God though. I had a lot of things on my mind (see previous post) and I'm unhappy about a certain situation in my life that's...well ...weird. Something that I didn't ask for, but now that it's here and I was just beginning to enjoy it, it's being taken away or something and I am completely powerless to stop it. And I want to stop it from going away. It's the exact kinda crazy sorta thing that first begins with curiosity and confusion, then acceptance, then pushing my own agenda, then falling flat on my face, then halfway trusting God and yet getting angry because I fall flat on my face again, and then finally I have no where to go and I must talk to God, if even to just rant and rave before falling to my knees before him in an utter mess of repentance and humility. This, my friends, is the life of an artist. Of a true right brainer.

And I'm thinking I'll need that "shoulder" to cry on again soon.

Just Contemplating

If you've known me for any significant amount of time, you probably know that I'm very contemplative. My mind is always going a thousand miles an hour, it seems, with me just thinking about...well...stuff.

Like.......

I often wonder what it would be like to find a job that I actually love. What does it look like? How can I find it? Should I be searching differently? I don't mean to complain or anything like that. I just really want to do something that I would love...even just like...that I would feel a sort of deep satisfaction about where I'm working and what I'm doing.

I sometimes think about what it would be like to meet a guy who would have a passion for the things I have a passion for and cherish the God that I cherish and that would just be a comfortable person to be around. Not afraid to be the man that God calls them to be. Someone serious about Christ. For real. The person that would be my match. And I wonder if that person even exists. Seriously. After so many disappointments.......and am I that kinda person for them? And is that person someone I look for? Or I just live my life and God brings them? Or something else entirely different? And how do handle this continual "wait" period? I guess I'm at that age where a girl starts to wonder.

I wonder what it would be like to trust my deepest desires to God, fully and continually. Like REALLY trust Him and be content in what he's doing with them. I feel him growing me in this area but I wonder if I'll ever actually arrive there or at least somewhere close. Is this an unrealistic ideal?

I wonder when I will return to New Zealand again, even if just for a lil bit...What it will be like after being gone for so long? What new cool people will I meet? Would the fourth time be as good as the previous three? Would it be worse? Would it be better? Will it ever even happen?

I wonder what God has in store for me over the next 5 years or so. Will I still be in Cleveland, or will I live somewhere else? Will I be married? Will I have found a job that I would enjoy? Will I be unconcerned with the things that I am SO concerned with now? Will I be doing something that I can't even begin to imagine right now? How will my walk with God be? Will I be stronger in Him? Will I have actually stuck with this exercise thing I'm doing? Will I be a lot healthier?

These are the things that have been going through my head over the past few months, and recently stressing me out pretty badly. A big thing that I struggle with is fear. Fear of what could happen or not happen. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of misinterpreting situations in my life. Fear of being vulnerable and then wrong...otherwise known as fear of failure and/or rejection, etc. God's really be working on me with this deep rooted fear issue and I think it's going well. I'm growing slowly, but it's a hard bondage to destroy. Thank God that He has the strength to overcome because I sure don't.

Lies

This is something that John Eldredge (Stasi's husband) wrote that I found very interesting...



We Are Being Lied to All the Time

The devil no doubt has a place in our theology, but is he a category we even think about in the daily events of our lives? Has it ever crossed your mind that not every thought that crosses your mind comes from you? We are being lied to all the time. Yet we never stop to say, "Wait a minute . . . who else is speaking here? Where are those ideas coming from? Where are those feelings coming from?" If you read the saints from every age before the Modern Era-that pride-filled age of reason, science, and technology we all were thoroughly educated in-you'll find that they take the devil very seriously indeed. As Paul says, "We are not unaware of his schemes" (2 Cor. 2:11). But we, the enlightened, have a much more commonsense approach to things. We look for a psychological or physical or even political explanation for every trouble we meet.

Who caused the Chaldeans to steal Job's herds and kill his servants? Satan, clearly (Job 1:12, 17). Yet do we even give him a passing thought when we hear of terrorism today? Who kept that poor woman bent over for eighteen years, the one Jesus healed on the Sabbath? Satan, clearly (Luke 13:16). But do we consider him when we are having a headache that keeps us from praying or reading Scripture? Who moved Ananias and Sapphira to lie to the apostles? Satan again (Acts 5:3). But do we really see his hand behind a fallout or schism in ministry? Who was behind that brutal assault on your own strength, those wounds you've taken? As William Gurnall said, "It is the image of God reflected in you that so enrages hell; it is this at which the demons hurl their mightiest weapons."

There is a whole lot more going on behind the scenes of our lives than most of us have been led to believe. (Wild at Heart , 152-53)

Beauty

As you may know, I am a big fan of the book "Captivating" because it has completely changed how I view myself and has really encouraged my wounded heart. One of the authors, Stasi Eldridge, apparently has a ministry that she is a part of called "Ransomed Heart" and as I was wondering if she has authored any other books, I ran across this website and this blog from Stasi. It always amazes me how God brings the exact thing we need to us in exactly the way we need to hear it.



Beauty
Some things can be measured scientifically. Weight. Height. Even the fact that infants respond more to a woman's smile than a man's...All kinds of things can be measured.

But how do you measure the fragrance of a woman? The beauty of a comforting touch? Tears of empathy? Eyes that welcome, accept...love? How can you quantify the sound of a laugh that makes you feel to your bones that all is right with the world? How can you possibly dissect beauty?

That would be like pinning a dead butterfly to a board. What would you know of its flight or what is drawn from the human heart while watching it move?

We know it when we see it. We truly see it when we experience it. We experience it when that part of us that is most truly us sighs in our soul's deepest recesses and connects with the heart of our God in rest. In thankfulness. In joy.

Outward beauty is a thing that can be measured only when we accept the standards of measurement. Youth passes - so youthful beauty fades. Wrinkles are around my eyes. Yours too most likely. Laugh lines are earned! Gravity takes its toll but who wants to live in a cage; fearful of the ravages of time? Life is to be lived. Beauty, true beauty INCREASES! It increases as it is offered, shared and spent on others. It increases as our eyes open to the beauty surrounding us in God's creation and in each and every one of his image bearers. It grows as Jesus captures more of our hearts and we are transformed into his very likeness.

Who can measure the beauty of a sunset? Of a nursing mother? Of the Living God? Of you?
No one. Beauty is a mystery to be embraced and enjoyed and received and owned.
God says you are beautiful. More beautiful than any other thing in all creation. And, well, he ought to know."

Anyway

People say this quote is from Mother Teresa, but I think the original author is actually unknown. It was quoted in a book that my Growth Group is reading called, "Authentic Relationships: Discover the Art of One Anothering." Great Book!


Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

More Than I Am

I want to be more than I am.

In that I mean I want to be more than a person who only half cares about most things; who depends on her own strength then wonders why she falls flat on her face. I want to be a person of unbelievable faith, trusting God with every aspect of my life. With EVERY aspect. I want to be a Christian who is real and honest, open and bold, sensitive and excited, and not caught up in living to look spiritual and/or living to receive approval from everyone else. I want to be in tune to what God is telling me through the Holy Spirit.

I want to be a friend who listens attentively...slow to speak or interrupt, but completely engaged in another's life. I don't want to sit there wondering what they think of me or if they know my weaknesses, and also not afraid to share what insight that God has given me. I want to take the risk of opening my heart to others, to be ready to make authentic friendships, and also willing to be disappointed. I want to stop putting expectations on others. I want to be a person who cares about those around who are hurting and in need. Translated, that means caring about everyone and thinking less about myself. I want to be an open-handed giver of time, stuff, funds, and love/compassion.

I want to be an artist who isn't afraid to do art, a musician who isn't afraid to write music and a writer who isn't afraid to write. A creative person who isn't afraid to share her creativity. Who isn't afraid of the challenge. Who isn't afraid of failure. I want to be a person who works hard in all I do. Who serves hard in all I do. I want to be a dreamer who doesn't give up on her dreams. Who doesn't listen to the negativity around her that says she can't accomplish what God has given her to do.

I want to be an American who isn't the "American Stereotype." I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and not be afraid to be who I am, even if everyone else around me can't understand why I think the way I do, or put me into the box of easy classification. I want to stop being so completely hard on myself when I make a mistake. I want to stop listening to the lies of Satan. I want to fight for my freedom in Christ and hold on to his truth.

I want to be more than I am.

Already Over

Sometimes it's best described in music...

Already Over Pt. 2 by RED

What's the Point?

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point? I have all these desires and dreams and they just are so far away and so...unatainable it seems. I've been jobless for over 10 months now and I think about all the things that I want to do and think about how I can't do them until I get a job and that the job that I'll probably end up with is not going to lead me in the direction of my desires. How can you be encouraged in that? I know that things don't always turn out as we plan and that God has other things in mind. I understand that. But working a 9 to 5 office job just because it is the thing that American society says I should do...that will kill me. The corperate ladder. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to be concerned about numbers and figures and money. I want to be about people. And helping them. And encouraging them through this hard thing known as life. And offering hope bigger than the status quo. I'm not against other people doing corperate jobs, because they are very much needed....it's just a desire in me to help people.



I don't want to be burned out but that's how I feel.



Oh God I feel so hopeless!

"Revelation"

For a person who doesn't like Third Day much I must say that it's probably odd that one of my favorite songs is "Revelation" by them. Saw them in Concert last night at Winter Jam and they performed this song. I reminded me of this time last year sitting in my car and crying and then hearing this song on the radio and just praying with all my heart. I still feel this way but I'm continuing to learn to trust God step by step.

Revelation by Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Tryin’ to find my way,

tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers

I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding

Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,

That I am lost again (I am lost again)

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without

I don’t know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won’t You show me where I need to go

Oh ohLet me follow Your lead,

I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

"Chasm"

I was touched by this flyleaf song today. It'sgreat devotional material. It's talking about the rich man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. Basically talking about how the riches and comforts of this world mean nothing. Eternity is everything. Well, there's more in the passage then that, but yeah. Below is the passage followed by the lyrics to Flyleaf's song "Chasm".

The Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)

19"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21and longing to eat what
fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23In hell,[c] where he was in torment, he looked up and saw
Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

25"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

27"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, 28for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

29"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

30" 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

31"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

Chasm by Flyleaf

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

The chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water, the chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Today: Sometimes it's Best Explained in a Narrative.

In this world many people will let you down. They will try to manipulate you and disparage you. They will deceive you and rejoice in their triumphs. The Evil One will use these situations and even initiate many of them to shake you from your foundation.

You lash out in frustration.
Caught.
And you are cut down.

You're battered at all sides from voices that whisper uselessness into your ear. The pain is unbearable, the fear unimaginable. Despair hovers near and you are unsure. What hope can there be when even the good ones are sometimes bad? But will you listen this time? Will you give in to the lies again? Or will you take this time to really grab hold of the Lord and cling to his Truth?

You are not worthless.
You can be used by God.
He loves you.

He loves You. Seek his will and his favor. Not man's.

Transformation.

You can no longer hold onto the hatred. You can no longer hold on to the bitterness. You proclaim, "Take my life. Take my mind. Take my soul. Take my will. Cause I am Yours and I give it all to You!"

Desiring to please the Lord, you rise from the ashes and stand firm. The Lord is your rock and with him, you are unmoving. Unwavering in trust. Bold in proclaiming it. You've been cut deeply by those who may not even realize the depth of their affliction upon you, those that you love, but... You search deep within the Holy Spirit and find what you need most.

Love.
Forgiveness.
Peace.
And Mercy flows abundantly.

Your sight clears and your wounds begin to heal.
Patience.
God whispers "patience" and "trust" to you. And you take his hand and let him lead you again.

What God's teaching me

Beautiful Bride by Flyleaf

Unified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You're irreplaceable, indispensable
You're incredible
Incredible

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Strengthen your arms now
Train your fingers for battle
Urgency's here now
Train your fingers for battle
Fighting this violence
With your feet wrapped in peace
Sad tears and silence
Now screams of joy
Victory

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying

We're not gonna fall and forget
How far You went to pick us up
If one part's hurt the whole body's sick
If one part mourns we all mourn with Him
Rejoice, and we'll sing with you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride (x2)