Autumn

I'm really glad I decided to go for a walk this morning. I've been feeling drained and having allergy issues and not being able to sleep, but I decided that I need to enjoy one of the few sunny days left before winter asserts itself.

I decided to bring along a camera and get some artistic juices flowing. Loved playing around with the camera...adjusting the f-stop and such features. Lovely! Of course...God did all of the real work ;)

"There is also Life"

Recently I've been accused of always writing sad, contemplative entries that give some people cause for concern as to what's going on in my life. Although I can't help the contemplativeness of some of my entries, I can address the "sadness" in them. They're not all sad. I mean, I met my favorite band, Red, a couple of months ago, and they're awesome men of Christ!!! Sometimes I just list the things I'm doing, like my involvement with my church, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. Other times I post what art I'm working on. Y'know. It's just kinda life.

I will admit that the last couple of entries were kinda emo...but think of them more like psalms. David wrote what was on his heart and so I do the same.

I'll be honest. The past 16 months of my life have been some of the hardest I've experience in my life. Sometimes I have to write it down to let it go. Sometimes in this blog, sometimes in my personal journal. It's hard being out of a job for over 6 months. It's hard to still be living at home, especially after living on your own for awhile. It's hard when God changes your plans and asks for trust in what he's doing...and for you to surrender what you most desire to him. It's hard being torn between a new church and the former one. It's hard to be thousands upon thousands of miles away from some friends and L&P ;). It's hard to watch friends' lives change before your eyes with marriages and babies , etc, meanwhile the question is always asked "When is it gonna be your turn?" It's hard to fail at some things and fight the lie and fear that you will never succeed. It's hard to see people suffering with sickness and not being able to help. It's just hard.

But there are good things in my life too. I'm learning to trust God more. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to stop being so inwardly focused all the time. I've been consistent in doing devos daily for the past 2 months, which is the longest ever in my Christian life. I am doing art and fighting with my inner demons. I'm enjoying the beautiful, bright and colorful leaves on the trees. Autumn is breathtaking - if not a little chill too. I'm enjoying going to concerts of my favorite bands and being uplifted by their music. I truly enjoy talking to distant friends on skype and getting to see how God is working in their lives. I like being available to help at a moments notice for whatever people need. I enjoy the amount of reading I'm doing and the music that I'm writing. I am loving spending time with my family because I don't know where God will bring me in my life, and I have a feeling it won't be here where I have family support ever so close. I love being available for my best friend as she moves towards her wedding day and marriage. There is so much that I love! There is so much that I am thankful for. There is so much that I don't even know how to express!

I just wanted to say that so you know. I'm in a hard time in my life, but there is still Life. The life that only God can give. And the hope that only God can give. Although I have my rough days and struggles, that is what I trust in.

Psalm 31:14-15 "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly."

Homesickness...and the state I'm in

I don't even know what I miss anymore.

I just miss.

I wake up. I wonder. I cry. I smile. I grieve.

Why? Why still? Why not?

Father, how can this still be an issue in my life?

Still an issue.

I breathe. I sigh. I get up. I stumble. I...walk.

Wow! Do I love! But oh how I miss!

Why? Why still? Why not?

Where is home truly?

And I am home, but not in the right home?

Which home is best and why am I not there? Or am I?

Will my heart forever be sad?

Forever sad.

Do I hope? Do I fear? Do I try? Do I give up? Do I trust?

Why? Why still? Why not?



New Zealand...maybe someday....

Huh?

What do I want out of life? I don't know. Is that bad?

Maybe that's the wrong statement to begin with. Maybe I should say "Warning: this is a contemplative entry that may or may not make sense. But for those who feel like they're stuck, maybe it would be completely understandable.

What am I thinking about? What do I want?

I want God's thinking. And to do the things that will make him smile. Even laugh, y'know.

I want to see beauty.

I imagine sometime in my life being able to look out of my window and seeing snow capped mountains, a crystal clear lake, and a rolling green hillside. The day would begin, the freshest of the fresh, and I would just drink it all in.

I want to run out to the middle of nowhere at night with just God and the stars, and feel the cool grass between my toes, and be comfortable kneeling in the grass before the dome of the most-high. Maybe even lying flat on my back and just reflecting on God' s greatness and creativity and vastness.

It would be lovely to paint unashamedly without concern. Just paint and feel relaxed without the pressure of something being behind it. And just worship with it.

Or maybe it would be nice to go sip tea or picnic with a friend on a beach and watch the waves go in and out all day.

*sigh*

I don't know.

*sigh*

Pressure!

Starting to feel the pressure of things building up. It's overwhelming! And on the other hand I feel like I'm completely incapable to do anything.

Let's just say this week has been hard...

Happy September!

I can't believe it's September! One moment it was summer, the next it became fall (almost). I don't really mind. I had an amazing summer this time around. Last summer I was just kinda floating on a dream of going back to New Zealand but not knowing how, and dealing with some serious culture shock. This summer I've been so busy with activities, concerts, service projects, and family...it's been amazing.

So September...

What's in store this month? Well, I turn 26 in less than two weeks. Can't think of anything particularly special with that, except maybe more people will bug me about when I will get married. Not even dating, so, awhile. ;) Getting my relationship with God right and falling more in love with him.

What else? Growth Group begins on the 19th! I'll be a leader, and hopefully I don't say anything stupid to give my inadequacy away haha.

More? Mutemath concert at House of Blues on the 26th! Bought my tickets two months ago. Can't wait!

Hmm? Hopefully I find a job this month. 5 months without work is beginning to wear on the soul.

We'll see. Till next time.

P.S. I probably should mention that meeting the members of Red was amazing and I was so blessed by their music! They played all of my favorite songs from both albums! Loved it!

RED

Got to see one of my favorite bands, Red, in concert. Loved it!! More about that later, but I will leave you with a picture ;)

And the Old Shall Become New

Today I decided to browse through some of my old blog entries and I came across this tidbit from September 2006 regarding contentment, almost 3 years ago:

***This week, [pastor] Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.Easier said than done. ***

So apparently three years ago I was in a similar situation of discontentment in life, even regarding New Zealand. I guess this is a lesson that I will continually need to be learning in life.

Of Sno Cones, Life and Creativity

There's been a lot going on these past few weeks.



The Summery:



Learned how to operate a popcorn machine, a sno cone machine, and a funnel cake machine, for the WSEM festival and the Warehouse District festival. I was truly blessed at both...by the smiles of the kids and families who were excited to get free food at the WSEM Festival, and by some of my church family at the Warehouse District Festival through great conversations and relationship building. Serving the city...



Did VBS in the inner city two weeks ago and was tremendously blessed by the ministry and the kids. Challenged as well. It was also really good working with Cedar Hill people again.



Went to Growth Group leader meeting that helped me see the heart of what the growth groups are for. Yes, I will be co-leading the women's group with Kindel. Excited to get more involved in church. Excited to study Romans. Hard out praying for Nexus (coffeehouse outreach idea of Gateway) and what God wants to do with that. Challenged and blessed there as well.



ON a side note, my old church voted in a new pastor and I'm really excited for them. Pastor Green seems like an amazingly excellent person for Cedar Hill and what God will be doing there. He will be a great leader in reaching out to the community and bringing a vision back to the church! I know that some people wonder if I will be returning to Cedar Hill now that there is a pastor. I'd just like to point out that I'm not as flaky as that. God called me to Gateway. If he called me to stay at CedarHill I would've. I care about them too. I care about City Bible church in New Zealand as well. We're all the body of Christ so no worries. What difference does it make if I'm with the hand or the foot or the shoulder? It's all the body of Christ and I weep and laugh with all of them!



Went to the Fest on Sunday and had a lot of fun even though it was really hot! Loved seeing local bands more than the headliners. State Fair was amazing!! Check out their music: (http://www.myspace.com/statefairmusic) Always a little sad when I go to the Fest because it always reminds me of the pharisees...there's nothing we can do to earn Jesus' grace, and no amount of rituals we can perform...I just pray that God leads people who are seeking directly to him, not to people and things around him... I really appreciated Matthew West's testimony. We arrived just as he was giving it. I love his music too. Urban picnic with Gateway on East 4th was fun too, though I got there just in time for the outdoor movie ;)



Writing some new music that really reflects the heart of where I am at today with things. Removal from total devastation to total acceptance and my dependence on God in regards to not returning to New Zealand this year and this feeling of being 'stuck' with no direction.

Working on some art. I'm currently painting a 20x24 painting of the Trinity

Challenged and blessed too. I don't generally do specifically 'Christian art', but this piece really speaks to my soul!

Thinking about what the vision of my life is...Learning that Jesus is enough, no matter where I am at in life. That I should seek his presence instead of his presents. Not Jesus + New Zealand. Not Jesus + a job. Not Jesus + a blessing. Just Jesus. And he is enough. I need to live that out daily.



So there it is. Below is the progress of my painting. I only have God the Father and the Holy Spirit so far. Need to paint Jesus still. I still don't know what direction this picture will end up, but this is a sideways view of how I initially painted it.

Friends forever ...lost

I was reading another person's blog and they were talking about how they were struggling with the fact that the friends who they thought would last forever are no longer there and it got me thinking....

Friendships are a weird phenomenon. Seriously. I realize that we, as humans, were born to be relational. I always hoped that those relationships would last forever for the most part. But think about it, if we remained friends with everyone we've ever befriended in life, there would be heaps of people!! You can't really have close friendships with everyone. And as things change in life, so do friends.

It's weird but I think that many friendships are not meant to last forever. As we all move on to different things and experiences in life, new friends come and old ones go. There are a few deep friendships that may withstand the test of time, but very few. It's a sad fact that I've been realizing recently. Why must we make great friendships that will only last or a year? Or a few years? And when I think about the people I knew in high school...I don't talk to many of them really. Then there were friends in college, broken down by each semester and each experience and already, just 3 years after graduating, I don't talk to most of them except through facebook on occasion, but it's not really the same. Even with my closer friends from college whom I still see at least once a year, there has been a change in the depth of the relationships. We all used to be very close, but honestly, moving in different directions and doing different things in life have drawn many of us away from the close relationship that we once shared. And to top it really, I think about the people I know all over the world. South Korea, New Zealand, China, UK, Australia, Canada, Brazil, South Africa, Kenya, etc. You can't truly maintain those relations from so far a distance. Not for an extended period of time. There are people from New Zealand that are still fresh in my mind that after being away for just a year I've noticed a relationship change, or lack of contact. It's sucks. But it's life. And the people I know now...who knows where we all will be in a few years. Or even in a year.

It's tragic and hard. But I don't think it's altogether bad. I like meeting new people. If I stayed with the same friends all my life would I ever meet anyone new? And I like meeting people from situations in life that differ from mine. I like how each new person I meet challenges me in some way. Many people who become closer to me, shape how I am and who I am. They introduce me to new ways of thinking and new ways to do things. For example, some of my friends in New Zealand taught me that regular picnics at the park after church could be amazing. I never really went on picnics before. Some of them also taught me that you don't always have to be 'doing something' to have fun... i.e. just hanging around at someone's house randomly and unplanned, and just enjoying being in each other's company.

Know what's really comforting and cool though...

Jesus.

Jesus never goes. Jesus never fades away. Jesus is forever...

I will break into a thought...

I thought these Flyleaf lyrics sum up myself quite well right now.

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart...
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness.
I will break! Break!!
...
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You're heeding to it now.
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You tremble at the sound.

You sink into my clothes...This invasion makes me feel, worthless, hopeless, sick.
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. I'm so sick!!!

_______________________________________

Why does life have to be so hard? It's constantly filled with so many obstacles to trusting God and yet I must or it is utterly hopeless. The daily struggle of sin. The constant fight in my head. It's quite overwhelming! Some days I don't have the energy and still other days I have all the strength in the world.

But I won't give up. Just die to self again and try to think more of God and less of myself. It's not really about me anyway.

What up?

It's been a long time since I've written again.



Last week was like my unofficial vacation, first randomly going to Pittsburgh, then my oldest bro being in town and then the holidays...It was amazing, but also tiring.



Now, I'm looking for jobs again...there's been no luck there and I see New Zealand drifting farther and farther away with each week that passes unfruitfully.



*sigh* I just can't really write about anything right now. Back to the job search...

Wrong side of the world?

So today I woke up on the wrong side of the world. Philosophically and literally. I wasn't mad or angry or anything. Just down. I kept trying to boost myself up on fun times with my mom and my sis and at the NEO360 worship tonight, and I felt good, but in my heart I feel totally down. Yes, I have no idea when or if I'll be going to New Zealand (hence the other side of the world), and I have no direction in my life, and I feel sad.

So pray for me.

Happy birthday, Mum!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is quite definitely the most amazing person I have ever known!! Okay. Okay. I admit, I am a bit biased, but she is truly a wonderful person!!

She has been such a wonderful encouragement in my life and it's through her that I was able to see Jesus. She's worked hard as a single mom (my parents separated then divorce when I was 10) and she has always been there for me. Even during my horrible, depressed, rebellious teen years. I was quite horrid but she was always praying for me and trying to help me. I'm so thankful for her. We never had much money growing up yet she worked faithfully. I remember her working 3 jobs at once and still making it to our school performances and sports. I'm sure she was tired a lot but she didn't really show it. And she took me to church even though I didn't want to go and now all of her children know Christ!!!!! She encouraged all of us in our desires for our professions and sent all of us to 4 different types of college and we all have degrees thanks to her! I could go on and on, but, yeah...

...and now my mom and I are so close! It was hard when I moved to New Zealand for a year and I know it will be hard when I move back and/or somewhere else. I love and appreciate her!!

I should go tell her ;)

Random post, I know, but I though the world should know how much I love her!!!

June?

It's June already? When did that happen?

Apparently 2 days ago. Hmm...

Still looking for a job. Oh the joy of it. Not really. Wrote some in my New Zealand Memoirs... Did some artwork.

Most especially, I spent time with God. I've been really working hard on that. So far so good.

Today' s synopsis:

New Zealand???I don't know
Future??? I don't know
God??? 100% Amazing!

Take my breath away!

I am most seriously wowed by God today. He actually took my breath away.

I was reading Romans 3. Have a look. And then have another look. It's quite amazing. The scope of God's solution to the sin problem that separated us from God since the Garden of Eden...his law brought down by Moses to show us how sinful we really are...and that the law could never save us...and Jesus' death and Resurrection that spread outwards, both forwards and backwards in time to save many...and faith saves...and in believing Jesus the law is actually fulfilled...and God's justice...and his love. It's still floating around my head.

I just see that God really loves us and knows what he's doing.

And I am humbled.

The Book That Shall Begin

I think I'll start writing the book today.

Tiana and I once came up with the idea to write a travel memoir of our experiences in New Zealand - in the Bill Bryson style. Two sisters travelling together and the experience of culture shock and perseverance... very short chapters that sum each experience up in a 'lesson learned' type of way. Not sure I will be as funny and witty as Bill Bryson, but that never stopped me trying ;) What else am I supposed to do with all this unemployed time on my hands, besides looking for work of course.

Here goes...

Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.


The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.

April showers bring May showers too?

This month has been kinda crazy. Maybe in a good way. Maybe in a bad way. Not sure.


Viruses!!
Today, exactly one week before I was supposed to go to New Zealand (with the disappointment almost unbearable), I sit here writing on my computer. On the old laptop, not the desktop. Why? Because our desktop computer is infected with at least 1 Trojan horse and who knows how many other viruses. The very day we decide to get an updated virus protection is the very day our computer decided to stop working. So, I've been working hard at isolating the problem and seeing if I can fix the computer. It's harder than I thought and I had to read so much about viruses and different types and different ways to get rid of them and other numerous problems. Right now I feel like I should be an expert on everything related to fixing a computer problem...except ours. But I won't go down without a fight!! I've been talking to some tech people and perhaps they will be able to help me. Otherwise, I best salvage on to a usb storage, whatever I absolutely need before trying to do something risky.


Sicknesses!
My grandma had a brain tumor that was found a few weeks ago. She had surgery last week and they seem like they removed it and they also still think it's not cancerous. That's good. She's recovering now and sounds more like herself. Praise God!

On the other side of things, my uncle, Norman, just found out that he has a mass the size of a grapefruit in his stomach and they're saying that it is cancerous. He has to have emergency surgery sometime very soon. Keep him in your prayers.


The Word!
Growth Group/Bible Study is going ok. Ruth was never one of my favorite stories and I was really trying to like it, but it still is just like, blah. Got into some huge discussions in group and realized that we have to to hold everything else up to the Bible, not the Bible up to everything else. The Bible is the authority. It is God's word. Commentaries are good and make us think a little deeper and think about the culture of what we read in the Bible, but they're not always correct, and a lot is speculation. AND, just because something was in the culture doesn't mean it was right. The Bible the light that I have to hold everything else up to. If it didn't hold on it's own, whether I understand everything completely or not, what would be the point? Hmm...


Job Searching!!
Slow. Dragging. Unfruitful. And with the computer down, it's hard to do too much searching, but I did send out another resume today so that's good.


New Zealand!
I'm missing Kiwiland hugely this week. And last week. New Zealand was so amazing and I can't wait to go back, but it seems that if I don't find a job relatively soon, I'll not be going on the already pushed back date of August 4. *Sigh* I don't know if I can handle that kinda heartbreak again. I say, if I'm not going back, take this weird attachment to NZ away. Seriously. But not my will, father, but yours...


Weddings!
One of my kiwi mates is getting married this saturday. It stinks that I can't be there, but I suppose I would have missed it either way. The next weekend is another wedding of a friend that will take place at our church...that meets in a comedy club. This will be amazing I'm sure. The week after that, a beloved Canadian friend is marrying and amazing kiwi friend and I won't be in Canada for that either. Stink! One week off and then the last weekend of May is another friend's wedding from highschool days...we used to sing together all the time, and I won't be going to her wedding... :( Tis life I suppose.


Artness!!
I am doing art!! Finally finished two pieces that I had been working on Since Feb. I'm starting to play around with different techniques and work with texture and acrylic. Exciting I know.


Books!!
I've read like a gazillion billion books this month. Jealous? You should be.


Music!!
Okay, since discovering that we get Air1, life has been especially good in the car. Driving and having good music playing, including Red, Falling Up, Mutemath, Group 1 Crew, Paramore, etc, with no commercials!! Happiness is not quite the word to describe it! Alternafish also has been way better than the normal stuff on that station, but I do hate the commercials. It's 10 steps up from the Fish though. They're trying. And they play rock and hip hop. Nice. In fact, I've heard so much good music in the last month that I haven't even listened to LifeFM, NZ's Christian music station. Though I do miss it, I'm glad that there is good music on the radio here now. It's nothing short of a miracle in these parts. And I can stay current on new artists and concerts!


Finishing!
Yeah, so anyway, there's probably more I could talk about, but this seems good so far. Cheers!

Come, break me down

This about says it.


"I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now
This is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"

-30 seconds to mars

Turning over a new leaf

I've decided that I can't go on as I have been - caught in between two places. Present, past. America, New Zealand. It's been such a hard year being back "home." Fearful of the unknown, Heartbroken in every way, Confused as to what I am to do, Frustrated with God and his plans, Disappointed in my artistic apathy, Overwhelmed by seemingly constant rejection and failure, and Doubting pretty much everything in my life - all the while trying to maintain my mask of "everything's okay" and "It's no big deal". This kind of negativity and lie can't be good in anyone's life. It took my two biggest desires and plans being completely and utterly destroyed before I could come to the realization that only God satisfies. Only God can bring about the water I so desperately thirst for. I've only just realized this today. It's not in New Zealand. It's not in America. It's not in relationships. It's not in art. It's not in my job. It's not in my church. It's only in God.

And with that revelation, I know I can go on through this storm...

After the past few weeks of emotional crisis, things are finally beginning to stabilize. Talk about hitting rock bottom...I raced towards it and dived beneath it, buried myself in it, and thought I could save myself. But I couldn't. And God was so silent...

Why must things change so? Why must people change, and life change and everything become so completely unfamiliar? Was I asleep? Did I miss everyone elses lives moving forward while I remained in the past, or in my hopes for the future?
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

And God was so silent...

But I've got to remember that God is good. He sees all and knows all. He is not evil. He's a great mystery that won't fit into my little box of understanding and predictability, and he does some pretty crazy and unheard of things, and I don't understand anything that he does, but I've got to remember that he is good.

He is GOOD.

What's Wrong You Say?

Confession
by RED

I feel fine
And I can smile
But I feel the anger coming
It's underneath
I don't know why
It's always overflowing
It's a constant fight
Deep inside
And I want to forget it

I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside me
I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside my head

And I can breathe
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge
I don't know how
I can escape this nightmare

Oh, I'm wasting away
It's part of my instinct
I'll run away
From everything I hate
Take this away
Help me escape
Take this away
I confess

Innocence
Innocence
Innocence

hmm

Seems that NZ will be put on hold. *sigh* 3 weeks to decide. Anyone have a better job for me that actually pays money?

My life

Trusting God is so so hard!

So many unknowns. So many fears. And yet everything is out of my control. Only God can change things and that's all I can hold on to. Seriously.

But it's so hard!!!

Christmas

The year is drawing to a close. Who knew?

Christmas Eve was fun, going with my mum to Walmart 30mins before it closed. Quite dangerous actually. Well, maybe not dangerous per say, but there was a mob of people outside wanting to get in. Let's just say we made our way out very carefully. I think I just went for the craziness of it all. I didn't really NEED anything. Why are people so desperate for presents? There were so many tired and sad and angry faces. Why can't people just enjoy the holidays?

The gift I got Tiana won't even be here till after the New Year. No worries. Publishing a book takes time I guess. It wasn't real pricey either. I figured that since she wasn't coming back to New Zealand with me she'll probably miss everything quite a bit. SO I made a book filled with pictures and text of our experiences there last year. Can't wait till it comes for her. I know she's excited.

On Christmas day me, my mum, and Tiana slept in for ages. Opened gifts in the early afternoon, went to see the movie, "Desperaux" at the theater. Cute. Then we went out to an amazing Chinese food restaurant. All in all, very relaxed, very nice. Never did that before but since all our other family had gone down to S. Carolina to my bros, we kept it simple. We're going to cook a huge family dinner for New Year's Day and have everyone over. I can't wait.

Hmm, I think that's it. Perhaps a recap of 2008 on the next post.
Cheers!

Things looking up?

4.5 Months until I move back to New Zealand. That's exciting! And scary!

Going to a new church in January - went there off and on before but now the decision has been made for my spiritual well-being.

Stressful at work with framing orders that have no way of being completed by Christmas with only two people working on them. And we keep getting more everyday. Someone should tell the customers. BTW, I went to the Woodmere locations of ours and it was huge! And they had more space! And more giftware! And possibly more frame choices! And more workers! And they were shocked to hear that we only had two workers working on orders. Ha!

Loving playing music about Christ at my store!!! Christmas is so fun in America because every store plays music about Christ. Amazing!! A witness while people shop, whether they realize it or not. Whether the singer is Christian or not. God's word is powerful! And a lot of people go to church around Christmas time so may God tug the hearts of many for him! Some people really get angry about Christmas because they don't celebrate it and don't like hearing the music and seeing Christmas all over the place. What about other holidays like Halloween that many people don't celebrate? But no one complains about all of the scary images in storefront windows and the fact that people don't celebrate it. If you don't celebrate it, you don't celebrate it. Don't participate. Geez...

I feel pretty good right now. Not too much stress all in all. Not missing New Zealand as much - oh I miss it- but T-4 months till I return so it's all good. Missing friends, but what can I do? Other emotional heartaches have calmed down considerably. Yes! Could it be that I've finally shaked this? 10 months later? Maybe so, maybe not... Ah! But I will enjoy this time while it lasts!

Still reading "Captivating" and it's so good. Usually I can read books fairly quickly, but this wasn't that kinda book. It deals with deep issues that need to prayed over, and ideas contemplated. I've been reading it since August. God has been doing some serious healing in my life. Learning to let him love me and find myself in him. My worth. My beauty. My heart. He is who satisfies me and gives me the strength to live this life and go through the stormy times as well as the good. Teaching me to be a better woman - feminism nor a twisted sense of submission will not shake this. God is the solid foundation in my life when everything else is so unstable. Wow! Who knew?

ART...doing it off and on. Working on keeping it on! Doing some freelance stuff on the side so that's good. Learning to see again. See God's beauty and artistic eye and appreciating it!


Things are looking a bit up today! Praise God. But random as post, aye?

Current Thoughts

Listing my thoughts seemed to work well for me last time, so I'll do it again...

So..

1) I got accepted into the program to get back to New Zealand. Exciting! I have so much money to save up before I go, but I plan on leaving the states May 5, 2009! Like 5 months away!!

2) I made a for sure decision about changing churches, though it's hard because I'll miss people, but I need to go somewhere where I can be challenged and grow as a Christian. And a place that has a definite vision and purpose. God has changed me so much, I can't keep pretending to be the old me. I'll be changing full on in the new year. I don't want to be one of those people who just disappear and drop all responsibilities without telling people.

3) I...miss someone very much...and it hurts...it HURTS...and I'm amazed that I still feel this way 7 months later...and it's weird.. but hey, that's life I suppose...I'll hold it in my heart seeing where it's going; let it sit there for awhile till I can figure out this new...I don't know? Not sure what it's for but as long as God allows it there it will be. Oh but this new more emotional Cara (as if that's possible) is hard to deal with from day to day!!

4) I miss New Zealand life in general. Relaxed. Beautiful. Nowhere near perfect and that's nice. Acceptance for who you are instead of who people think you should be. Huge blanket statement of NZ, but there it is. I miss friends and CBC and everything. And I could live there permanently though I am nowhere near making that kind of decision.

5) I miss America... or rather, how America used to be for me, before I was torn between two countries. I missed so much in america while I was living abroad, and now that I'm back I appreciate these things a lot more, but I am constantly thinking about NZ. What time it is there. What I was doing this time last year. Wondering how people are and what's going on there, as well as re-experiencing life in America and caring about the people here. It's overwhelming!

6) Work is a drag...but that's no excuse for me not putting my all into it. Had my review today and although I did very well, there were some areas that I seriously need to work on - like being on time., and it hurts my witness for Christ. Lord help me to improve and see my job as working for you, even now while I'm looking for a new job! Why would you bless me with a new job if I'm not even doing my best at my current one? Even if I'm annoyed with the job and poor management and every other thing I can list... there is no excuse!

7) Art...I long to do it sooooooo much but I keep getting sidetracked. I'm too tired or discouraged. I make up dumb excuses. I've got to force myself to do this thing I love!!!It's like healing salve to my soul! SO necessary!

8) Still reading Captivating and still digesting the info. It such a huge part in the healing process of who I am. Such a big part

SO, that's what's been on my mind the last few days. I took a week long break from some things just to refocus myself.Not sure if I'm completely together, especially with #1 and#3 issues always on my mind...but I know that God is working in my life, drawing me close to him, especially during this immensely difficult time in my life.

Taking a break

I'm taking a break from stuff. To much stress in my life that needs to be dealt with. I don't know for how long, but if you feel led to, please pray for me.

It's been awhile...

There's so much on my mind...it's easier to just list it.

1. Looking for a new job...it's hard with all the people losing their jobs. Mine has already shrunk my hours down to 32, and it's just gonna get worse. I think our store will close soon. And probably in a shady way...

2. Missing New Zealand with a whole new passion...and I've been praying with the girls that it would get better. Perhaps calling NZ last week wasn't the best of ideas because it triggered something that just makes me miss them so much more. Thinking about taking a break from Facebook and Bebo so I can refocus things in my life.

3. Finally applied to BUNAC for the Work New Zealand Program so now I'm back to having very little saved up...But it's good to finally have it done. May 5th isn't too far away...but very far indeed!

4. Been real down about my art. Trying to break through it but the whispers of Satan are very cunning. Lord help me! The website is coming slowly...

5. Fighting the flesh constantly when it comes to my Spiritual life. God is so amazing working in me and growing me but I wrestle with him so much!

6. Church...a change is coming in the '09- actually it's already begun. I gotta go where God leads me...

7. Thinking about the Homeless of Cleveland. Since having Bible Study with the girls downtown, and being downtown more often anyway, my eyes have seen, and been shocked, and ashamed, and I need to know what I can do, if anything to help...looking into that and praying about it

8. Big money woes...and I need to trust God. I may actually move to NZ permanently so what does that mean in my life?

9. My bestest is getting serious with her boyfriend and it's exciting and scary. Engagement may be in the near future. Other dear friends are engaged already. And getting married weeks after I leave for NZ. I think I really am just going to end up missing everyone's wedding!

10. Guys keep hitting on me and it's bothering me -not like that. Not constantly, but quite a few times since my return to America. I suppose I should be complimented, but I'm not. Pizza shops, bus stops, grocery stores, and they have no chance of course, they're not even Christian, but what's with the influx of flirting? My heart is elsewhere...very elsewhere, and that's all anyone, for the time being, need know.

How's that for why my mind needs constant renewing from God. I'm stressed and he's the only one who can help.

I dunno?

So I'm 25.

How do I feel? I dunno. Older? Or maybe just old?

I've been working a lot lately and doing things I don't really care to do and not doing my art nearly enough... The deep haze of "blah and monotony" is still over me. I'm trying to shake it but it's so hard! Unhappy is another word that fits - though it's not as dire as it sounds.

Was okay about not being in New Zealand for about 4 weeks, then the pain of missing it hit me again last week and hasn't really lifted. I'm so confused!! It's been almost 5 months since I left and some days I still cry?! At what point will I be okay?

Still unsure of how I'm getting back - or, how I can stay really. Maybe if I had a definate visa or something it would be easier because I would have that goal of what I'm looking forward to. Can I have a goal with no direction and lots of unsurity (did I just make up a word?)?!

My goal is to be back in NZ before May. I'm saving money like crazy. I've been online trying to find out the steps that I need to take to make this goal a reality. I will begin the nz job search in about a month. I'm thinking about contacting some artists over there to get some feel of other opportunities for me to be over there. I dunno. I'm supposed to go to Canada for New Years to visit a Kiwi and a Canadian of whom I met in nz, but that will cut down considerably the money that I am trying to save up for nz...Maybe I shouldn't go? I dunno.

I just gotta keep giving it to God.

The Game

There's nothing like sitting in a pizza shop waiting for them to make the pizza and a stranger comes in for a sec, then leaves, then comes back 30 secs later, like a double take, and he says, "Hey, what's your name?

I reply "Why...?"

He says "Well, I just want to know your name?"

Hmm. So I reply "Yeah. But why?" In my mind, he's either selling something or trying to hit on me. Let's see.

He smiles and tries a new tactic whilst leaning on the counter and trying to look cool. "I just wanna know. Um, are you seeing anyone?"

Ah, so he's hitting on me and that was the best pick up line that he could do. Ha!

While shaking my head I reply: "Nah, man. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now so..." And I give him one of my Jim from "the Office" looks clearly showing that there's no hope in further communication while still appearing friendly.

It worked and eventually he left.

I don't know. Do guys generally think that talking to a girl in a random place will actually get them a date? I have no idea of his faith, of his character, whether he's a jerk or a nice guy, what he's like with others..etc. I'm not at a bar. I'm not at a club. Not under the influence of anything so did he really think his "charm" alone would work? Especially on me, who would rather know someone first, probably with a group of friends and not one on one.

Haha! SO nice to be back home. Oh what interesting things happen in my daily life!

eHarmony? No!!!!!

So, I signed up for eHarmony by accident. How? you may ask. Well, my boss was talking about how you can get a free relationship compatability test or something and she loves talking about that kinda thing and personality tests etc, so I thought, as I seek to get to know her more and be praying for her and showing Jesus, sure, I'll give it ago. You have to meet people where there at, and personality tests are interesting. It was a looooooonnng test, but when I finally finished it, they only talked about what kinda person I was, not the type of person I would be compatable to...and out of 4 sections, they only got two half right. Hmm... SO I was like whatev and left it.

WELL....

The very next day they had 3 matches for me. 3 guys to see if I wanted to start "communication" with. They sent it to my email. I had no idea that I had set up an actual account. I didn't pay anything. SO, I go to the website and look at these "matches". One's 23, one's 27, and one's 29. Now, if you know me at all you would understand that someone in their late 20's is too old for me. Yeah, I know I'm almost 25. But my though is, no more than 6 months younger or 1 year older. I'm not stuck on that, but I'd prefer it. Haha. Anyways, they were nothing like anyone I would want to date. One sounded too conservative and boring. Another was funny, but obsessed with excersizing. The third? I dunno. Not memorable. Haha. It was a good laugh because I always wondered how people did these online things.

Well, I left it, and by the next day they added 3 matches. Someone boring sounding, another who seemed quite vain, and another who was waaaaayyyyyyy into video games. I love video games, but not to the extent that he does. So I decided to fill out my profile and let people know what I would look for. Then this morning I thought "wait, I didn't sign up for this!" and eHarmony was still asking me to join, but they wanted to have me find a match first I guess. Anyways, I'm not into the whole online dating thing myself so I cancelled whatever I had signed up for. Hopefully it actually cancels. Geez..


Crazy aye?

Captivating?

Reading the book "Captivating" by Stasi and John Eldridge, and recieved the shock of my life! It's a good shock, but why did no one ever tell me? Like my whole life I was looking for some explanation...

Wow!!!!

The desire of my heart

These two songs have been speaking to me a lot right now. The combo of where I'm at in my life right now, my emotions about things, the monotony of my life right now, this amazing life group I'm in that makes me think, my job, church problems, the desire to do my art, the desire to return to New Zealand, my family, friends, winter, summer, everything...

And with all the STUFF going on in my life, I realize that I just really desire God. Only God. I may have all these things I want or need or whatever, but I miss God. I miss talking to him but also listening for what he's telling me. I do talk to him, but not like I did a few months ago. Did I leave God in NZ? Of course not, but sometimes it feels that way. These songs just really reflect my heart and what I long for.
_______

"Pieces" by RED

I'm here again
A thousand miles away from you
A broken mess, just scattered pieces of who I am
I tried so hard
Thought I could do this on my own
I've lost so much along the way

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole

I've come undone
But you make sense of who I am
Like puzzle pieces in your eye

I tried so hard! So hard!
I tried so hard!

Then I'll see your face
I know I'm finally yours
I find everything I thought I lost before
You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole

______

"Carried Away" by Sonicflood


You are the open door to freedom
You are the only hope I have
The reason in my reason
The only thing that lasts
How could I begin to settle
When all within me longs
To step into the shelter
Of your everlasting arms

I wanna get carried away
I wanna be tossed by your waves
I don't care where or how deep
I'm gonna jump in with both feet
I wanna get carried away
I wanna get lost in your waves
I wanna be held by your truth
I wanna behold all of you
I'm gonna be all yours today
I wanna get carried away

Some say You're far away
But I know You're here with me
I could go anywhere
And still you'd be there with me
I know You're with me

Whispers

Can't sleep. Woke up and I just needed a break from sleeping. Long story but every so often I get restless, especially if I have things on my mind.

I went to the young adults group at my brothers church on Thursday - the 4:12. It was open mic, a BBQ, dancing, a skit, fellowship, and like a mini sermon, but it was a powerful one. I didn't take the adequate time I needed to think about the implications that the sermon had on my life.

The pastor talked about hunger. Physical hunger like when you crave chocolate or normal food. You need sustenance, so you eat. You start to feel light headed and your stomach growls, and you know it's probably time to eat. So you do. Or even just a specific kind of food that you may see on tv or see someone else with and you're like "I want that!" His example of some food he was craving was some fried chicken, but not just any fried chicken, but from a specific place from where he grew up. Haha. But then he talked about spiritual hunger. A hunger that you don't always know what it is right away, but you seek to fill it. Like, if you feel lonely. Or something like that. The pastor went on to say that a lot of us get caught this way.

He talked about how sometimes God allows Satan to tempt us to make us stronger and to test our faith (It makes me think of Job in the Bible). But Satan won't just waste this opportunity, no. He works to create a hunger in us, then offers a solution that looks like it would be good, but we find out otherwise. For example, you might be sitting there one night. No one's called you all day. No emails from friends. No text messages, nothing and Satan whispers in your ear "psssst. Don't you wish someone would call you today? Don't you feel lonely? pssst! Don't you wish you were engaged like so in so? (Women fall for this a lot) Don't you wish you had somebody who loved you? You want a relationship. You need a relationship!" The pastor even gave the example of sexual impurity for people. And thus the hunger is created. But it doesn't stop there. Then Satan offers a solution that looks good but it's sin. People will get in bad relationships for the sake of relationships. Instead of being patient with who God has and will settle for something less and go farther in a relationship then they mean to and it results in sin -- all the while thinking that this will satisfy that hunger and find out it doesn't. Another example is you're broke. Bills to pay and no money to pay. And Satan will whisper "pssst. Pssst! Don't you wish you could have money? Don't you wish you had that car? Don't you wish you had that house? Don't you wish you had those new clothes? You want that stuff. You need more stuff" And then he offers the solution to go spend money that you don't have...credit cards and rent money and buy those material things that he says you need and you stop trusting God and get into a lot of trouble and sin.

The pastor said that we get tempted then fall because we're not spiritually full--meaning fully satisfied in Christ and trusting him for our needs. He says that when you have just ate you full at dinner and then watch tv and see an add for some really good food, it doesn't matter to you. You're not hungry. You don't even want to look at food because you're physically full. The same with spiritual fullness. When we're spiritually full and Satan tries to whisper in your ear that you're lonely or weary of staying pure, or wish you had more stuff, you won't even want to hear it because you know God satisfies you like nothing else can or ever will. It's the times when we skip our devos and skip praying, and/or kinda back up from God - and it may even be a subtle thing - that when we're tempted we give in to that temptation. Satan even did this with Jesus when he was fasting in the wilderness 40 days and nights, figuring that he had Jesus alone. "Pssst. Turn that rock into bread to satisfy your hunger!" etc. - except Satan didn't realize that Jesus, while he was fasting in the wilderness, was using all that time to get filled up on God, so when Satan tempted him, Jesus wasn't even trying to hear it and was able to fight off that temptation because of this.

There is so much more I can go into this and I'm not even sure I've explained it well enough but it touched my life. Like, sometimes I would wonder why all of a sudden I would feel a certain way about something even though before it didn't bother me. It wasn't even a want yesterday and now all of a sudden I feel like I need this or that. The hunger is created and when I'm dissatisfied with God and holding him at arms length...or when I'm upset with God I tend to seek fulfillment somewhere else with worldly things that will never satisfy. And then I wonder what happened and how I got so far from God.

Food for thought.

Now, I must try to get some sleep again.

A Job?

SO, I have a job now. I start on Monday. It's working at a Framing and Design Shop so that should be fun. It's related to art and I get a huge discount and possible venue to sell my artwork in Michigan and Ohio. The only stink thing is that it doesn't pay nearly enough. We're talking almost minimum wage for a full time job. Huh? So, i need to find another job as well. I have bills to pay and a trip to NZ to save up for. But I am happy to at least have a job after two months of nothing. Praise God!

www.framesunlimited.com

The Story of My Life

In the narrow hallway, then in [her] own small room, unpacking [her] bag, [Cara] had a strange sense of disappointment... For a long moment, she did not quite know where she was. The cracked and yellowed paint on the ceiling, the cramped room, the window framed by limp curtains and itself framing a view over rooftops to the flat surfaces of distant buildings, the sulfurous sky...everything looked dingy. [Cara] felt the little house pressing close around her... [She] concentrated on folding close in around herself the remembered contentment of [New Zealand], like armor against---she couldn't name it, but it threatened her.

"A Solitary Blue" by Cynthia Voigt

anyway

I'm reading this book about authentic relationships. Guess what the book's called...Authentic Relationships: discover the lost art of "one anothering" by Wayne Jacobson and Clay Jacobson. Amazing! I recommend. I read some of it before going to NZ...borrowed it from my young adults leader. I need to mail it to him, but I decided to read it again first, through the eyes of this new and changed "Cara" who is trying to be more open an honest.
In the book, I found this poem or saying or whatever it is that I though was real cool.



anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.


If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.


If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.


The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.


Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.


What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.


People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.


In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

Stressed and I didn't know

What is God doing?

I feel like the walls are crumbling around me.
I don't know how much longer I can hold on.








But I will try.

Walkin and Kinda Talkin

I've decided that sometimes it's better to show something rather than explain it. Alas, a video of my cute little nephew, Alex. I love him!!! Enjoy.

The Search for Good Music

Tiana and I were sitting here missing LifeFM in New Zealand and we decided to see if there are any radio stations stateside that play a variety of music by Christian artists - like rock, hip-hop, contemporary christian, worship, dance, gospel, funk, pop, ska, and local artists. And they have to play new/current music. Cleveland's radio stations are pretty much useless. Both FM stations play older music. For one station we looked at the entire playlist and found only 5 songs that were from last year - and 3 of them were remakes! None were from this year. What?! And the other station has played the exact same music for the past 5 years and again, none of it from this year that I have heard so far. Sad! SO, we decided to check online to see if any Christian station played a wide variety of styles on their stations. Results = none. Some will play worship. Others gospel. Others rock. Others techno. Other's contemporary Christian. Other's hip-hop. We have found these music stations to be quite segregated. What's the deal?

We found a UK station that played a variety of music and this is great. And of course, LifeFM in New Zealand does too. But in America, we are seriously lacking in that area - and no one seems to be interested in local up and coming artists!

So if you're in America and want to hear some great music and local Kiwi artists as well, listen to LifeFM online and be happy just like us!

Back Home - for real?

Home. What is a home? I'm finally back in Ohio, but it doesn't feel like home. It's like my whole life here was so long ago. Ancient. And I'm just visiting.

I have changed a lot, yes. So I just need to balance the old and the new. Things are coming back to me about "home" and America, but I still see things where I'm like, woah! forgot that.

Moving back to mum's place is good, but not. Free rent for the time being, but after living on my own halfway across the world... and getting used to that...I'm not sure how long I can last here. I'm broke, so that settles it I suppose, but when I find a job, I have some serious thinking to do.

If I plan on going back to NZ soon (Jan 2009), which I do, I'll stay here and save up money, but if it may be Sept 2009, I may move in with a friend or something. I don't know. It really depends on how my sanity holds up. Haha.

Well, that's all the contemplating I care to do right now.

Cheers!

Homesickness?!

Hey, so I think I've figured out why I've been so down lately - besides the whole re-entry thing that happens when you're away for a long time.

I'm not home yet. I'm in America, yes. But not home yet.

I consider New Zealand my home. And I also consider Ohio my home. 

Right now I'm in South Carolina. You do the math.

When I'm in Hamilton, New Zealand- I miss Cleveland, Ohio. When I'm in Cleveland, Ohio - I miss Hamilton, New Zealand. When I'm in South Carolina - I miss Hamilton AND Cleveland. That's double the amount of missings!!!

I love being with my brother and sister in law and nephew, but I'm used to seeing them like once a year and having some kind of cash saved up to do things instead of mooching off of them. But I've seen my friends and church family in NZ rather constantly my whole year there. And my friends and family in Ohio even longer. And right now I'm not with any of them. Weird.

I'm homesick for 2 places!!!!

SO...I need to either go back home to NZ or go home to Ohio. None of this "in between" stuff! 

If I don't go to one of my homes real soon, I'm going to go crazy! Hopefully I can last until Wednesday when I leave!

Oh yeah, and as of this weekend I will have been living out of a suitcase for a whole month. When we moved out of our flat in Hamilton, everything remained packed during our house sitting time. So, yes, all my clothes are wrinkled. Haha!

Okay-ish-ness

I'm doing okay. Trying to shake this depression that came over me last week. There's just missing a place, and then there's depression. I won't get in to that. God's working on me. I'm better. 

I've looked up a lot of stuff about how long I can stay in NZ since I can't do a working holiday again. Looks to be about 3 months if  just did a normal holiday visa. Everything else requires a lot more that doesn't look like a realistic possibility for me and I'm not moving there permanently. It'll just be me saving up. I'm still going to try to get an artist grant, but those are usually for a month or so and don;t give out much. Art fellowships and sponsorships which are more serious income require more work than 7 months will allow, and are for professional artists who have been around for awhile...say 30 yrs in doing art professionally. Ha! So, we'll see. Maybe  won't go back until September. Definitely don't want to go back during NZ's winter or during the V8s in April if I can help it!

So, I won't look into that much more right now.

I have loved spending time with my nephew, Alex. He is such a good baby. 14 months is a fun age. He can walk though he falls down a lot. He loves to smile and laugh. He speaks his own baby-ish language and can understand a lot from us. He's developing his imagination. He's pretty good about sleeping and eating. And he's soooooo cute!!! This past weekend, My bro and sis in law abandoned us with their child so they could speak the weekend away in Charlotte. (Their home is just on the border of South Carolina and North Carolina.) We actually offered to give them a break and take care of Alex and they were very excited. It's been so nice! They come back today.

I've been searching for art jobs in Cleveland. Cleveland.com. Monster.com. Indeed.com. Yahoo hotjobs. etc. Even though I'm not home yet, I still want to be searching early. I fly home on May 21st. I'll probably try to get a temp job right away to pay for some immediate bills and to get my art website up and running properly. I will also be going full on into my art. Painting will commence as soon as I return to Cleveland and get my easel from my other bro. Also, I have tons of art to sell and tons of amazing photography to print and sell. I'll be visiting galleries and coffee shops and wherever else to sell my art I will also see if I can hold a show somewhere. I need to make up new business cards and figure out set prices for my work, update my artist statement, etc, etc, etc. Busy busy. Any job I get on the side, I will try to keep it as art related as possible. I'll be talking to some artists as soon as I get home. My grandma has been meeting some artists and telling them about me and now I have "appointments" to go see them and tell them about NZ and get some connections, y'know? I'm starting to get real excited. 

Maybe this is part of the reason I'm feeling better. Trusting God with future plans and just following him in what he wants me to do. He is so amazing!!!!

The Return

Yes.

I'm back "home".

I'm really trying to be excited. I was very excited to see my brother and sis in law, and my Nephew Alex. He's great. So cute. So fun. So stubborn. Haha. I guess it's in our genes. This time in S. Carolina will be good for the re-adjustment to American culture.

See. Alex already loves his auntie.

Went to the airport on Sat with friends. It was really hard, but God kept my spirits up well enough. I didn't start crying until the middle of the night on the plane. I went in the airplane bathroom and lost it. Then was fine, until the next flight where I sat next to some family where Tiana and I swear we saw the father on some TV show (we were flying from LA). Tiana was in the seat in front of me, so I couldn't really talk to her. I started looking at some pictures of friends from NZ and got to about the second picture and I cried like a little girl for the whole flight. Good thing I had the window seat and the little girl next to me was asleep for most of the flight. I had a real good silent talk/argue/prayer time with God and by the time we were leaving the plane I was well enough. Geez. Who knew that a year abroad could have such a huge impact on my life? I'll never forget just looking back and seeing everyone waving goodbye. Some with smiles. Some with quietness. And everytime I looked back, they were still there. It was almost too much to handle. I can only imagine that the only reason I didn't break down and cry was because of God. It's such a vivid picture in my mind and it keeps replaying over and over like some scene from a movie.

I love New Zealand. I love my friends. I love CBC.


I miss it all very much.


But I love God even more and I go where He wants me to go. Right now I'm supposed to be back in America. And though I'm a little sad and wake up crying in the mornings, I'll be fine. It's good to be with family again. It's good to be back in America too, though it is quite an adjustment after living in New Zealand for a year. But most importantly, it's good to be doing what God wants me to do.

To his glory and honor.

Resolved.

Resolved.

It's good to know that Jesus cares. I already knew it, but it's still good to be reminded.

Friendships restored. Heartbreaks getting healed. Preparation for the big move back to the states going okay. Drama down to a minimum.

All in all I feel pretty good.

I still don't want to leave New Zealand. C'mon! No offense to America, but New Zealand's got it going on.
But...
No offense to New Zealand, but America's already had it going on.
Haha.

What am I talking about?!


Hmm... someone's going to have to throw me onto that plane cause I don't think I'll be going willingly.

Goodbye BBQ on Thursday. I'm looking forward to it, but I'm not too, because it'll be like the 'final' goodbye. Some people I may never see again. Others I'll see in January 2009 when I hope to return. But I hope to stay connected to everyone cause I love them soooooooo much!

Cheers!

April Events

So yeah, my posts were getting a bit too reflective. On to some happier stuff. Hangin' out with friends, every week, sometimes more than once a week. A good time can always be expected.

Hamilton Gardens, just chillin

Balloons over Waikato - we couldn't get the camera centered

Balloons over Waikato - Nightglow at Waikato University

Remember, I was supposed to do study abroad there?

Nightglow - Hot air Balloons, lit to the sound of movie soundtracks

Putt Putt golfing - this course was quite dull, but hangin out with friends was fun.

There were little teddy bears set up all over the course. It was quite lame.

The guys, checking their scores

Will the ball make it into the hole? I don't think it did.

The concert we went to during V8s weekend. It said Happy Hour 6-9. We weren't there for drinks. Haha. We wanted to see Radiator and Kissed by the Moon. Showed up a little after 6pm and the gates were closed and nothing opened. We waited at Starbucks for 3 hours, seeing some of the members from the bands come around 8pm and wait outside for an hour for people to unlock the door. We went in around 9pm. Concert started around 10pm. They need to work on getting their timing right. Sometimes they start on time, sometimes they start 4 hours later. Who knew?

Still growing

So...

Apparently forgiveness is a daily practice.

Who knew?

Question is, how many times can a friend hurt you before they realize...or care...that they are? And how long does it take for a friend to stop acting like a jerk? And how long does it take before a good friendship is ruined?

And how long will it take before I stop crying?

But I read in proverbs today that we should "never abandon a friend." And I also read in Psalms that "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and rescues the crushed in spirit."

This is where I'm at. Totally confused, and hurt, and confused, and hurt, and leaving NZ in less than a week...wondering if this will be resolved before then.

Prayer please.

Forgiveness and the growth of Cara

SO...the V8 car races are over. I won't get into it much. Cars were fast and loud. Fun, then not so much. Serving at church was real good. God worked in the midst of a whole lotta darkness. Read Tiana's blog for more info of how that worked.

Right now I'm learning about forgiveness. This weekend was real good and real bad and a friend screwed up big time. The world tells me that who cares if they are sinning about such in such, it's no big deal. My flesh is saying hate them and avoid them - 3 strikes and they're out. But God, he's saying - forgiveness. We are all human and struggle with sin. This friend fell this weekend. But God forgives him. And in my attitude about his sin, I fell this weekend- and maybe more so yesterday morning when I was heartbroken to see a good friend doing the very thing that pierces down to my very core.

Lust. Guys have it so hard in this world when it comes to that, and it seems that many of us women only encourage it in the way we dress and act and...yeah.

I was prepared to end a relationship over this person's struggle. Isn't that just like people? Just like the kinda Christians I can't stand who, when someone falls, shuns them and kicks them while they're down. God doesn't call us to be that way. God hates sin more than I do, yet he loves people and he helps them through their struggles. He's done this in my life so so SO many times. God calls us to forgive as we have been forgiven...and I have been forgiven much. I need to forgive and come alongside this friend with love, and help him through this struggle, and call him out when he needs to know how his "seemingly innocent" actions can offend his sisters in Christ. Sometimes people just need this to know that they are being wrong.

If I really care about him as a valued friend, I won't just ignore this, and walk away. Fly back to America and pretend that this person hasn't impacted every part of my life, and just drop it there- never to speak to him again. How harsh unforgiving would that be? How un-Christlike would that be? You don't sin in response to sin.

I would hope a friend would care enough about me to call me out when I'm in the wrong too.
And my sister has.


See? See how God is growing me every single moment of my life!

From the Desk of Cara at A.C.C.

Yes, I'm writing from A.C.C. It's been a slow day today so, yea-ya!!

So, today is my last day at work. Am I excited? You betcha! But it's kind of a bitter sweet leaving. I'm not much of an "office" person, nor do I like to talk on the phone all day. My throat gets tired of talking. And why do you have to dress up at a call center? You're just talking on the phone!

But this also marks the very nearness of my time in New Zealand ending.

I don't wanna go back to America. I miss it terribly, but there's so much I'm involved with in New Zealand, and so many new friends that I've really connected with, and such an awesome church that I am so involved in, and it's so beautiful and sunny and green and yeah. But I miss my friends at home. And I miss my family. And I miss people from my church at home. And I miss lots of things. But it's going to be so different when I go home. Living in another country always means that you'll go through some kind of culture shock when you return home. Not looking forward to that.

These past few weeks we've really been hanging out with people constantly and it just makes it harder to go. And some people I'm going to really miss...not sure how I will cope..some very dear friends that I won't be seeing anymore. Can I convince everyone to get video skype?


When I go home, my plan is to save up for coming back to New Zealand in January, and I really mean to. But I have bills at home to pay, debts to pay off, an art career to fully begin. And life without New Zealand is no life at all, right.

I'm not looking forward to being bombarded with questions about how my experience was in New Zealand. How can I sum it up? It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was amazing! God has grown me soooooo much. Will I seem different to others at home?

Because of the whole culture shock thing, I probably won't see most people until June. It'll give me some time to re-adjust to America. The first two weeks of May we'll be staying in South Carolina and visiting my brother and sister-in-law and my little nephew whom I haven't seen yet. After that we'll go back to Cleveland and meet up with some friends from New Zealand that have been travelling in a RV around America. Fun times. Then, I'll be over my shock and jet lag and can talk to everyone more normal-like.


Tiana and I moved all of our furniture out of our flat last night! We have such amazing friends who are so willing. We had to drop stuff off at three different houses and we began at 8:15pm, so it was fun. But it took us till about 10:30pm so that's not so bad. Our Life group leaders are going to throw a Goodbye Barbecue for us May 1st, so I guess we're staying until May 3rd. Haha I'll take it! It's so sad how empty our flat is, but it's funny because we didn't have a ton of stuff. Today after work, we're going to take the bus down to the Korean restaurant and have an early dinner (cause last night we didn't plan dinner and ended up having canned cream rice) and then we're going to go to the Warehouse and get a few cleaning materials, and go home and get to it. Hopefully we can clean most of the flat today and only have a little bit of the bathroom to worry about tomorrow.

Tomorrow marks the first day of the V8 races. I'm so excited. Me and Tiana have tickets!!! We got them discounted too. I'm not a huge fan of car races, but I saw the movie Cars, and I know they go fast. I played the video games. I'm heaps excited!!!! They built the whole racecourse circuit right near where we live. Our church is on the inside of the track, so we're serving the community and running a cafe. Today was the big Powhiti (Welcome) with the Maori King and there was some cancellations of the caterers last night so I know people at church were a little stressed. How do you cancel on the Maori King? This is like huge! The prime minister is supposed to be there too as well, to usher in the first of many V8 races in Hamilton for the years to come. NZ is definitely different from America. I'm so excited to help on Sat and Sun and just be real servants. God has opened up a tremendous opportunity!

As of Today

I only have a few weeks left in New Zealand, and I am devistated. But I'll be fine. I miss America too. Kind of.

This week God laid it on my heart to do a prayer walk around the track that is for the V8 races here in Hamilton. Yes ladies and gents, we will be hosting a huge race car race around our city next weekend. Fun times.

It was such a good time of prayer with a few people from church. 36,000 extra people from all over the world will be in our city for this. Our church sits right inside the track, so we will be serving the community for this event and hosting something with the Maori king. I suppose the prime minister will be there too. It's such a good opportunity to reach these people who may not usually be crossing paths with us. What a great opportunity to be like Jesus to them! It's exciting, but can be very stressful. I won't get into now, but there's a lot to pray for with this.

It was so good. Talking with God is soooo good.

Tonight, I'll be going to Nightglow at University of Waikato. This past week has been Balloons over Waikato - hot air balloons. We saw them launch as were waiting for our bus at the bus stop every morning. There's some cool shapes too. One of the ballons was a Darth Vador head. Haha!!! Anyways, tonight is like the final festivities and there's music, and the balloons will be on the ground with lights shining on them, and there will be fireworks. All in all, it sounds quite cool. I'll take some pictures and put the in the next post.

But right now, I need to do some art!

Fun times in the last few weeks...

Touch Rugby Tournament - I cheered our team on

Stations of the Cross Art Installations at the Hamilton Gardens with friends. Sokun took this picture, but we never got one with her in it. Awesome artpieces!

Easter Weekend - We bought Callalillies

Easter Service was amazing!

Easter Weekend - borrowed a car and went to Mt. Maungatautari. Not much of a mount, but we were straight up in the country. We've missed it these last few months without a car.

Easter Weekend - Hamilton Gardens in the daytime- Lovely -This is the Italian Garden

Easter - Waihi Beach - Keeping with our holiday tradition of going to the beach

Last Weekend we went with friends to see a rugby game and hang out. Chiefs (our team) won, randomly ended up seeing part of the Hamilton Gospel choir at the Salvation Army on our way to dinner, and ate some delicious Indian food. But I didn't have a camera!!

I'm gonna miss New Zealand and hanging out with my kiwi (and Canadian) mates.



Until next time...