Beauty

As you may know, I am a big fan of the book "Captivating" because it has completely changed how I view myself and has really encouraged my wounded heart. One of the authors, Stasi Eldridge, apparently has a ministry that she is a part of called "Ransomed Heart" and as I was wondering if she has authored any other books, I ran across this website and this blog from Stasi. It always amazes me how God brings the exact thing we need to us in exactly the way we need to hear it.



Beauty
Some things can be measured scientifically. Weight. Height. Even the fact that infants respond more to a woman's smile than a man's...All kinds of things can be measured.

But how do you measure the fragrance of a woman? The beauty of a comforting touch? Tears of empathy? Eyes that welcome, accept...love? How can you quantify the sound of a laugh that makes you feel to your bones that all is right with the world? How can you possibly dissect beauty?

That would be like pinning a dead butterfly to a board. What would you know of its flight or what is drawn from the human heart while watching it move?

We know it when we see it. We truly see it when we experience it. We experience it when that part of us that is most truly us sighs in our soul's deepest recesses and connects with the heart of our God in rest. In thankfulness. In joy.

Outward beauty is a thing that can be measured only when we accept the standards of measurement. Youth passes - so youthful beauty fades. Wrinkles are around my eyes. Yours too most likely. Laugh lines are earned! Gravity takes its toll but who wants to live in a cage; fearful of the ravages of time? Life is to be lived. Beauty, true beauty INCREASES! It increases as it is offered, shared and spent on others. It increases as our eyes open to the beauty surrounding us in God's creation and in each and every one of his image bearers. It grows as Jesus captures more of our hearts and we are transformed into his very likeness.

Who can measure the beauty of a sunset? Of a nursing mother? Of the Living God? Of you?
No one. Beauty is a mystery to be embraced and enjoyed and received and owned.
God says you are beautiful. More beautiful than any other thing in all creation. And, well, he ought to know."

Anyway

People say this quote is from Mother Teresa, but I think the original author is actually unknown. It was quoted in a book that my Growth Group is reading called, "Authentic Relationships: Discover the Art of One Anothering." Great Book!


Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centred;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

More Than I Am

I want to be more than I am.

In that I mean I want to be more than a person who only half cares about most things; who depends on her own strength then wonders why she falls flat on her face. I want to be a person of unbelievable faith, trusting God with every aspect of my life. With EVERY aspect. I want to be a Christian who is real and honest, open and bold, sensitive and excited, and not caught up in living to look spiritual and/or living to receive approval from everyone else. I want to be in tune to what God is telling me through the Holy Spirit.

I want to be a friend who listens attentively...slow to speak or interrupt, but completely engaged in another's life. I don't want to sit there wondering what they think of me or if they know my weaknesses, and also not afraid to share what insight that God has given me. I want to take the risk of opening my heart to others, to be ready to make authentic friendships, and also willing to be disappointed. I want to stop putting expectations on others. I want to be a person who cares about those around who are hurting and in need. Translated, that means caring about everyone and thinking less about myself. I want to be an open-handed giver of time, stuff, funds, and love/compassion.

I want to be an artist who isn't afraid to do art, a musician who isn't afraid to write music and a writer who isn't afraid to write. A creative person who isn't afraid to share her creativity. Who isn't afraid of the challenge. Who isn't afraid of failure. I want to be a person who works hard in all I do. Who serves hard in all I do. I want to be a dreamer who doesn't give up on her dreams. Who doesn't listen to the negativity around her that says she can't accomplish what God has given her to do.

I want to be an American who isn't the "American Stereotype." I want to be confident in who I am in Christ and not be afraid to be who I am, even if everyone else around me can't understand why I think the way I do, or put me into the box of easy classification. I want to stop being so completely hard on myself when I make a mistake. I want to stop listening to the lies of Satan. I want to fight for my freedom in Christ and hold on to his truth.

I want to be more than I am.

Already Over

Sometimes it's best described in music...

Already Over Pt. 2 by RED

What's the Point?

Sometimes I wonder, what's the point? I have all these desires and dreams and they just are so far away and so...unatainable it seems. I've been jobless for over 10 months now and I think about all the things that I want to do and think about how I can't do them until I get a job and that the job that I'll probably end up with is not going to lead me in the direction of my desires. How can you be encouraged in that? I know that things don't always turn out as we plan and that God has other things in mind. I understand that. But working a 9 to 5 office job just because it is the thing that American society says I should do...that will kill me. The corperate ladder. I don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to be concerned about numbers and figures and money. I want to be about people. And helping them. And encouraging them through this hard thing known as life. And offering hope bigger than the status quo. I'm not against other people doing corperate jobs, because they are very much needed....it's just a desire in me to help people.



I don't want to be burned out but that's how I feel.



Oh God I feel so hopeless!

"Revelation"

For a person who doesn't like Third Day much I must say that it's probably odd that one of my favorite songs is "Revelation" by them. Saw them in Concert last night at Winter Jam and they performed this song. I reminded me of this time last year sitting in my car and crying and then hearing this song on the radio and just praying with all my heart. I still feel this way but I'm continuing to learn to trust God step by step.

Revelation by Third Day

My life has led me down the road that’s so uncertain

And now I am left alone and I am broken,

Tryin’ to find my way,

tryin’ to find the faith that’s gone
This time, I know that you are holding all the answers

I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,

On roads that never seem,

To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

My life has led me down this path that’s ever winding

Through every twist and turn I’m always finding,

That I am lost again (I am lost again)

Tell me when this road will ever end

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been tryin’ to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without

I don’t know where I can turn

Tell me when will I learn

Won’t You show me where I need to go

Oh ohLet me follow Your lead,

I know that it’s the only way that I can get back home

Give me a revelation,

Show me what to do

Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,

I haven’t got a clue

Tell me should I stay here,

Or do I need to move

Give me a revelation

I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

Oh, give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You

I’ve got nothing without You

"Chasm"

I was touched by this flyleaf song today. It'sgreat devotional material. It's talking about the rich man and Lazarus found in Luke 16. Basically talking about how the riches and comforts of this world mean nothing. Eternity is everything. Well, there's more in the passage then that, but yeah. Below is the passage followed by the lyrics to Flyleaf's song "Chasm".

The Rich Man and Lazarus (Luke 16:19-31)

19"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. 20At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores 21and longing to eat what
fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

22"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. 23In hell,[c] where he was in torment, he looked up and saw
Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. 24So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

25"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. 26And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

27"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, 28for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

29"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

30" 'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

31"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.' "

Chasm by Flyleaf

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Break up already, wake up now

Walk away, take it all back now

Don't be quick to lick the scab off

You're spitting in his face with the rest of them

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

The chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water, the chasm isn't fixed yet

Take this water, drinking ever deeper

Living water

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Please, give me something

I'm so thirsty, I'm so thirsty

Oh please, let me warn them

Don't you come here, don't bring anyone here

Today: Sometimes it's Best Explained in a Narrative.

In this world many people will let you down. They will try to manipulate you and disparage you. They will deceive you and rejoice in their triumphs. The Evil One will use these situations and even initiate many of them to shake you from your foundation.

You lash out in frustration.
Caught.
And you are cut down.

You're battered at all sides from voices that whisper uselessness into your ear. The pain is unbearable, the fear unimaginable. Despair hovers near and you are unsure. What hope can there be when even the good ones are sometimes bad? But will you listen this time? Will you give in to the lies again? Or will you take this time to really grab hold of the Lord and cling to his Truth?

You are not worthless.
You can be used by God.
He loves you.

He loves You. Seek his will and his favor. Not man's.

Transformation.

You can no longer hold onto the hatred. You can no longer hold on to the bitterness. You proclaim, "Take my life. Take my mind. Take my soul. Take my will. Cause I am Yours and I give it all to You!"

Desiring to please the Lord, you rise from the ashes and stand firm. The Lord is your rock and with him, you are unmoving. Unwavering in trust. Bold in proclaiming it. You've been cut deeply by those who may not even realize the depth of their affliction upon you, those that you love, but... You search deep within the Holy Spirit and find what you need most.

Love.
Forgiveness.
Peace.
And Mercy flows abundantly.

Your sight clears and your wounds begin to heal.
Patience.
God whispers "patience" and "trust" to you. And you take his hand and let him lead you again.

What God's teaching me

Beautiful Bride by Flyleaf

Unified diversity
Functioning as one body
Every part encouraged by the other
No one independent of another
You're irreplaceable, indispensable
You're incredible
Incredible

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Strengthen your arms now
Train your fingers for battle
Urgency's here now
Train your fingers for battle
Fighting this violence
With your feet wrapped in peace
Sad tears and silence
Now screams of joy
Victory

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride

Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying

We're not gonna fall and forget
How far You went to pick us up
If one part's hurt the whole body's sick
If one part mourns we all mourn with Him
Rejoice, and we'll sing with you
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah

(Chorus)
Beautiful bride
Body of Christ
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride (x2)

This year and the hope for the future

This year has been a hard one, but I'm still sad to see it go. Just because it was one of the most difficult years of my life, I don't count it as a bad year. God has been continuing to grow me throughout this year , allowing me to walk through the dessert and helping me to learn to trust him through each difficult step. I'm still in the dessert, but I am spiritually ending the year a whole lot better than I began it.


At the beginning of the year I was holding on to the hope of returning to New Zealand but gradually realizing that my plans were already falling apart. I was still dealing with culture shock issues of being back in America. Instead of putting trust in what God had for me, I decided to try to force things to happen. I continued to stay with a job that God clearly had been telling me to leave because I was too afraid to step out in obedience to him, especially with the economy being so bad and my hope to return to NZ. I distanced myself from others, not really wanting to build close relationships because I was hoping to be gone...more because didn't want to face the pain of leaving more friends again, and as a result I felt deeply alone. Throughout the year I had a few emotional breakdowns where I just couldn't believe with all my effort and fight, that I couldn't make happen what I thought I needed most. I kept striving for my selfish ambitions. My relationship with God suffered, especially since I treated him like a galactic genie, praying for him to provide what I wanted, and when I didn't get the answer that I begged for, I fell apart thinking that God was holding out on me. I began to believe the lies of Satan, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't get what I want because I wasn't loved by the Creator of the universe who sent his son to die for me. That He loved everyone except me. I felt that God was so silent so this must be true and I kept trying over and over and failing over in over to bring about what I wanted to happen. As I got more involved in a new church I felt more and more detached from the people there and very lonely. Even in those times God was working to draw me back to him. There were many times where I would realize I couldn't do anything without him and would talked to him about my struggles and read his word and I was greatly encouraged. There were people in my Growth Group at church who were praying for me and encouraging me too.


I guess to really sum up it all up, this year was more of a tug of war year. Trying to trust God, yet still being inward focused and depressed, back and forth, back and forth. But God is still doing a great work in me. Recently he has revealed some of the hurts of my past that have influenced how I relate to people today and how I deal with each area of my life. I am continuing to tell him how I feel and searching him out. I have better days then others, but God really only asks me to take it one day at a time. I have been focusing on verses about God's love for me. I am reading the book "Captivating" and just letting God speak truth into my life. Just today I was reading a book that I want to do with my small group next semester and it's all about authentic community and building relationships that are genuine. One of the things that really stuck out at me is this quote from a friend that he mentions on p. 97...

"If God isn't bigger than our mistakes, then ultimately we're not trusting him; we're trusting our own performance. What kind of trust is that?"


For so long I have been regretting the mistakes that I have made and thinking that I'll never be able to get this "Christian life" right. But isn't God bigger than that?


I am thankful for all the good and the bad that has happened this year because I see how God is using all of my struggles to make make me more like him. I won't pretend to have it all figured out. I will still struggle tomorrow and everyday with choosing to trust God with every area of my life, but I definitely feel like I am on the road to recovery.

Praise God.

Happy New Year!

Advent Conspiracy

Seriously.

We're doing this series at church and I'm realizing just how commercialized and stressful and wasteful Christmas has become. But there is something different... Watch below.

Best Described in Pictures

I haven't been on again in awhile. The funny thing is that I come to this blog a lot to view friend's blogs, but I never make the time to write.

Things have still been hard, but I don't want this to be that kind of entry, so, moving on...

Had a temp job for 3 days this week. It went pretty well. It was nice working with some friends from church and helping out where needed. All three of us were unemployed so it was nice to work a temp job together. Praise God for even a little work after being jobless for 8 months!

Life since the last entry is best describe by pictures:

Went to an apple farm for the first time

Went to a wedding on Halloween

Clam bake with Gateway where I had the best tasting Clam chowder in the world!

Finished a painting for my friend.

Made a cake for Tiana's birthday. My first time trying to decorate.

That about sums it up. ;)

Autumn

I'm really glad I decided to go for a walk this morning. I've been feeling drained and having allergy issues and not being able to sleep, but I decided that I need to enjoy one of the few sunny days left before winter asserts itself.

I decided to bring along a camera and get some artistic juices flowing. Loved playing around with the camera...adjusting the f-stop and such features. Lovely! Of course...God did all of the real work ;)

"There is also Life"

Recently I've been accused of always writing sad, contemplative entries that give some people cause for concern as to what's going on in my life. Although I can't help the contemplativeness of some of my entries, I can address the "sadness" in them. They're not all sad. I mean, I met my favorite band, Red, a couple of months ago, and they're awesome men of Christ!!! Sometimes I just list the things I'm doing, like my involvement with my church, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. Other times I post what art I'm working on. Y'know. It's just kinda life.

I will admit that the last couple of entries were kinda emo...but think of them more like psalms. David wrote what was on his heart and so I do the same.

I'll be honest. The past 16 months of my life have been some of the hardest I've experience in my life. Sometimes I have to write it down to let it go. Sometimes in this blog, sometimes in my personal journal. It's hard being out of a job for over 6 months. It's hard to still be living at home, especially after living on your own for awhile. It's hard when God changes your plans and asks for trust in what he's doing...and for you to surrender what you most desire to him. It's hard being torn between a new church and the former one. It's hard to be thousands upon thousands of miles away from some friends and L&P ;). It's hard to watch friends' lives change before your eyes with marriages and babies , etc, meanwhile the question is always asked "When is it gonna be your turn?" It's hard to fail at some things and fight the lie and fear that you will never succeed. It's hard to see people suffering with sickness and not being able to help. It's just hard.

But there are good things in my life too. I'm learning to trust God more. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to stop being so inwardly focused all the time. I've been consistent in doing devos daily for the past 2 months, which is the longest ever in my Christian life. I am doing art and fighting with my inner demons. I'm enjoying the beautiful, bright and colorful leaves on the trees. Autumn is breathtaking - if not a little chill too. I'm enjoying going to concerts of my favorite bands and being uplifted by their music. I truly enjoy talking to distant friends on skype and getting to see how God is working in their lives. I like being available to help at a moments notice for whatever people need. I enjoy the amount of reading I'm doing and the music that I'm writing. I am loving spending time with my family because I don't know where God will bring me in my life, and I have a feeling it won't be here where I have family support ever so close. I love being available for my best friend as she moves towards her wedding day and marriage. There is so much that I love! There is so much that I am thankful for. There is so much that I don't even know how to express!

I just wanted to say that so you know. I'm in a hard time in my life, but there is still Life. The life that only God can give. And the hope that only God can give. Although I have my rough days and struggles, that is what I trust in.

Psalm 31:14-15 "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly."

Homesickness...and the state I'm in

I don't even know what I miss anymore.

I just miss.

I wake up. I wonder. I cry. I smile. I grieve.

Why? Why still? Why not?

Father, how can this still be an issue in my life?

Still an issue.

I breathe. I sigh. I get up. I stumble. I...walk.

Wow! Do I love! But oh how I miss!

Why? Why still? Why not?

Where is home truly?

And I am home, but not in the right home?

Which home is best and why am I not there? Or am I?

Will my heart forever be sad?

Forever sad.

Do I hope? Do I fear? Do I try? Do I give up? Do I trust?

Why? Why still? Why not?



New Zealand...maybe someday....

Huh?

What do I want out of life? I don't know. Is that bad?

Maybe that's the wrong statement to begin with. Maybe I should say "Warning: this is a contemplative entry that may or may not make sense. But for those who feel like they're stuck, maybe it would be completely understandable.

What am I thinking about? What do I want?

I want God's thinking. And to do the things that will make him smile. Even laugh, y'know.

I want to see beauty.

I imagine sometime in my life being able to look out of my window and seeing snow capped mountains, a crystal clear lake, and a rolling green hillside. The day would begin, the freshest of the fresh, and I would just drink it all in.

I want to run out to the middle of nowhere at night with just God and the stars, and feel the cool grass between my toes, and be comfortable kneeling in the grass before the dome of the most-high. Maybe even lying flat on my back and just reflecting on God' s greatness and creativity and vastness.

It would be lovely to paint unashamedly without concern. Just paint and feel relaxed without the pressure of something being behind it. And just worship with it.

Or maybe it would be nice to go sip tea or picnic with a friend on a beach and watch the waves go in and out all day.

*sigh*

I don't know.

*sigh*

Pressure!

Starting to feel the pressure of things building up. It's overwhelming! And on the other hand I feel like I'm completely incapable to do anything.

Let's just say this week has been hard...

Happy September!

I can't believe it's September! One moment it was summer, the next it became fall (almost). I don't really mind. I had an amazing summer this time around. Last summer I was just kinda floating on a dream of going back to New Zealand but not knowing how, and dealing with some serious culture shock. This summer I've been so busy with activities, concerts, service projects, and family...it's been amazing.

So September...

What's in store this month? Well, I turn 26 in less than two weeks. Can't think of anything particularly special with that, except maybe more people will bug me about when I will get married. Not even dating, so, awhile. ;) Getting my relationship with God right and falling more in love with him.

What else? Growth Group begins on the 19th! I'll be a leader, and hopefully I don't say anything stupid to give my inadequacy away haha.

More? Mutemath concert at House of Blues on the 26th! Bought my tickets two months ago. Can't wait!

Hmm? Hopefully I find a job this month. 5 months without work is beginning to wear on the soul.

We'll see. Till next time.

P.S. I probably should mention that meeting the members of Red was amazing and I was so blessed by their music! They played all of my favorite songs from both albums! Loved it!

RED

Got to see one of my favorite bands, Red, in concert. Loved it!! More about that later, but I will leave you with a picture ;)

And the Old Shall Become New

Today I decided to browse through some of my old blog entries and I came across this tidbit from September 2006 regarding contentment, almost 3 years ago:

***This week, [pastor] Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.Easier said than done. ***

So apparently three years ago I was in a similar situation of discontentment in life, even regarding New Zealand. I guess this is a lesson that I will continually need to be learning in life.