This year and the hope for the future

This year has been a hard one, but I'm still sad to see it go. Just because it was one of the most difficult years of my life, I don't count it as a bad year. God has been continuing to grow me throughout this year , allowing me to walk through the dessert and helping me to learn to trust him through each difficult step. I'm still in the dessert, but I am spiritually ending the year a whole lot better than I began it.


At the beginning of the year I was holding on to the hope of returning to New Zealand but gradually realizing that my plans were already falling apart. I was still dealing with culture shock issues of being back in America. Instead of putting trust in what God had for me, I decided to try to force things to happen. I continued to stay with a job that God clearly had been telling me to leave because I was too afraid to step out in obedience to him, especially with the economy being so bad and my hope to return to NZ. I distanced myself from others, not really wanting to build close relationships because I was hoping to be gone...more because didn't want to face the pain of leaving more friends again, and as a result I felt deeply alone. Throughout the year I had a few emotional breakdowns where I just couldn't believe with all my effort and fight, that I couldn't make happen what I thought I needed most. I kept striving for my selfish ambitions. My relationship with God suffered, especially since I treated him like a galactic genie, praying for him to provide what I wanted, and when I didn't get the answer that I begged for, I fell apart thinking that God was holding out on me. I began to believe the lies of Satan, telling me that I was worthless and that I didn't get what I want because I wasn't loved by the Creator of the universe who sent his son to die for me. That He loved everyone except me. I felt that God was so silent so this must be true and I kept trying over and over and failing over in over to bring about what I wanted to happen. As I got more involved in a new church I felt more and more detached from the people there and very lonely. Even in those times God was working to draw me back to him. There were many times where I would realize I couldn't do anything without him and would talked to him about my struggles and read his word and I was greatly encouraged. There were people in my Growth Group at church who were praying for me and encouraging me too.


I guess to really sum up it all up, this year was more of a tug of war year. Trying to trust God, yet still being inward focused and depressed, back and forth, back and forth. But God is still doing a great work in me. Recently he has revealed some of the hurts of my past that have influenced how I relate to people today and how I deal with each area of my life. I am continuing to tell him how I feel and searching him out. I have better days then others, but God really only asks me to take it one day at a time. I have been focusing on verses about God's love for me. I am reading the book "Captivating" and just letting God speak truth into my life. Just today I was reading a book that I want to do with my small group next semester and it's all about authentic community and building relationships that are genuine. One of the things that really stuck out at me is this quote from a friend that he mentions on p. 97...

"If God isn't bigger than our mistakes, then ultimately we're not trusting him; we're trusting our own performance. What kind of trust is that?"


For so long I have been regretting the mistakes that I have made and thinking that I'll never be able to get this "Christian life" right. But isn't God bigger than that?


I am thankful for all the good and the bad that has happened this year because I see how God is using all of my struggles to make make me more like him. I won't pretend to have it all figured out. I will still struggle tomorrow and everyday with choosing to trust God with every area of my life, but I definitely feel like I am on the road to recovery.

Praise God.

Happy New Year!

Advent Conspiracy

Seriously.

We're doing this series at church and I'm realizing just how commercialized and stressful and wasteful Christmas has become. But there is something different... Watch below.

Best Described in Pictures

I haven't been on again in awhile. The funny thing is that I come to this blog a lot to view friend's blogs, but I never make the time to write.

Things have still been hard, but I don't want this to be that kind of entry, so, moving on...

Had a temp job for 3 days this week. It went pretty well. It was nice working with some friends from church and helping out where needed. All three of us were unemployed so it was nice to work a temp job together. Praise God for even a little work after being jobless for 8 months!

Life since the last entry is best describe by pictures:

Went to an apple farm for the first time

Went to a wedding on Halloween

Clam bake with Gateway where I had the best tasting Clam chowder in the world!

Finished a painting for my friend.

Made a cake for Tiana's birthday. My first time trying to decorate.

That about sums it up. ;)

Autumn

I'm really glad I decided to go for a walk this morning. I've been feeling drained and having allergy issues and not being able to sleep, but I decided that I need to enjoy one of the few sunny days left before winter asserts itself.

I decided to bring along a camera and get some artistic juices flowing. Loved playing around with the camera...adjusting the f-stop and such features. Lovely! Of course...God did all of the real work ;)

"There is also Life"

Recently I've been accused of always writing sad, contemplative entries that give some people cause for concern as to what's going on in my life. Although I can't help the contemplativeness of some of my entries, I can address the "sadness" in them. They're not all sad. I mean, I met my favorite band, Red, a couple of months ago, and they're awesome men of Christ!!! Sometimes I just list the things I'm doing, like my involvement with my church, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. Other times I post what art I'm working on. Y'know. It's just kinda life.

I will admit that the last couple of entries were kinda emo...but think of them more like psalms. David wrote what was on his heart and so I do the same.

I'll be honest. The past 16 months of my life have been some of the hardest I've experience in my life. Sometimes I have to write it down to let it go. Sometimes in this blog, sometimes in my personal journal. It's hard being out of a job for over 6 months. It's hard to still be living at home, especially after living on your own for awhile. It's hard when God changes your plans and asks for trust in what he's doing...and for you to surrender what you most desire to him. It's hard being torn between a new church and the former one. It's hard to be thousands upon thousands of miles away from some friends and L&P ;). It's hard to watch friends' lives change before your eyes with marriages and babies , etc, meanwhile the question is always asked "When is it gonna be your turn?" It's hard to fail at some things and fight the lie and fear that you will never succeed. It's hard to see people suffering with sickness and not being able to help. It's just hard.

But there are good things in my life too. I'm learning to trust God more. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to stop being so inwardly focused all the time. I've been consistent in doing devos daily for the past 2 months, which is the longest ever in my Christian life. I am doing art and fighting with my inner demons. I'm enjoying the beautiful, bright and colorful leaves on the trees. Autumn is breathtaking - if not a little chill too. I'm enjoying going to concerts of my favorite bands and being uplifted by their music. I truly enjoy talking to distant friends on skype and getting to see how God is working in their lives. I like being available to help at a moments notice for whatever people need. I enjoy the amount of reading I'm doing and the music that I'm writing. I am loving spending time with my family because I don't know where God will bring me in my life, and I have a feeling it won't be here where I have family support ever so close. I love being available for my best friend as she moves towards her wedding day and marriage. There is so much that I love! There is so much that I am thankful for. There is so much that I don't even know how to express!

I just wanted to say that so you know. I'm in a hard time in my life, but there is still Life. The life that only God can give. And the hope that only God can give. Although I have my rough days and struggles, that is what I trust in.

Psalm 31:14-15 "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly."

Homesickness...and the state I'm in

I don't even know what I miss anymore.

I just miss.

I wake up. I wonder. I cry. I smile. I grieve.

Why? Why still? Why not?

Father, how can this still be an issue in my life?

Still an issue.

I breathe. I sigh. I get up. I stumble. I...walk.

Wow! Do I love! But oh how I miss!

Why? Why still? Why not?

Where is home truly?

And I am home, but not in the right home?

Which home is best and why am I not there? Or am I?

Will my heart forever be sad?

Forever sad.

Do I hope? Do I fear? Do I try? Do I give up? Do I trust?

Why? Why still? Why not?



New Zealand...maybe someday....

Huh?

What do I want out of life? I don't know. Is that bad?

Maybe that's the wrong statement to begin with. Maybe I should say "Warning: this is a contemplative entry that may or may not make sense. But for those who feel like they're stuck, maybe it would be completely understandable.

What am I thinking about? What do I want?

I want God's thinking. And to do the things that will make him smile. Even laugh, y'know.

I want to see beauty.

I imagine sometime in my life being able to look out of my window and seeing snow capped mountains, a crystal clear lake, and a rolling green hillside. The day would begin, the freshest of the fresh, and I would just drink it all in.

I want to run out to the middle of nowhere at night with just God and the stars, and feel the cool grass between my toes, and be comfortable kneeling in the grass before the dome of the most-high. Maybe even lying flat on my back and just reflecting on God' s greatness and creativity and vastness.

It would be lovely to paint unashamedly without concern. Just paint and feel relaxed without the pressure of something being behind it. And just worship with it.

Or maybe it would be nice to go sip tea or picnic with a friend on a beach and watch the waves go in and out all day.

*sigh*

I don't know.

*sigh*

Pressure!

Starting to feel the pressure of things building up. It's overwhelming! And on the other hand I feel like I'm completely incapable to do anything.

Let's just say this week has been hard...

Happy September!

I can't believe it's September! One moment it was summer, the next it became fall (almost). I don't really mind. I had an amazing summer this time around. Last summer I was just kinda floating on a dream of going back to New Zealand but not knowing how, and dealing with some serious culture shock. This summer I've been so busy with activities, concerts, service projects, and family...it's been amazing.

So September...

What's in store this month? Well, I turn 26 in less than two weeks. Can't think of anything particularly special with that, except maybe more people will bug me about when I will get married. Not even dating, so, awhile. ;) Getting my relationship with God right and falling more in love with him.

What else? Growth Group begins on the 19th! I'll be a leader, and hopefully I don't say anything stupid to give my inadequacy away haha.

More? Mutemath concert at House of Blues on the 26th! Bought my tickets two months ago. Can't wait!

Hmm? Hopefully I find a job this month. 5 months without work is beginning to wear on the soul.

We'll see. Till next time.

P.S. I probably should mention that meeting the members of Red was amazing and I was so blessed by their music! They played all of my favorite songs from both albums! Loved it!

RED

Got to see one of my favorite bands, Red, in concert. Loved it!! More about that later, but I will leave you with a picture ;)

And the Old Shall Become New

Today I decided to browse through some of my old blog entries and I came across this tidbit from September 2006 regarding contentment, almost 3 years ago:

***This week, [pastor] Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.Easier said than done. ***

So apparently three years ago I was in a similar situation of discontentment in life, even regarding New Zealand. I guess this is a lesson that I will continually need to be learning in life.

Of Sno Cones, Life and Creativity

There's been a lot going on these past few weeks.



The Summery:



Learned how to operate a popcorn machine, a sno cone machine, and a funnel cake machine, for the WSEM festival and the Warehouse District festival. I was truly blessed at both...by the smiles of the kids and families who were excited to get free food at the WSEM Festival, and by some of my church family at the Warehouse District Festival through great conversations and relationship building. Serving the city...



Did VBS in the inner city two weeks ago and was tremendously blessed by the ministry and the kids. Challenged as well. It was also really good working with Cedar Hill people again.



Went to Growth Group leader meeting that helped me see the heart of what the growth groups are for. Yes, I will be co-leading the women's group with Kindel. Excited to get more involved in church. Excited to study Romans. Hard out praying for Nexus (coffeehouse outreach idea of Gateway) and what God wants to do with that. Challenged and blessed there as well.



ON a side note, my old church voted in a new pastor and I'm really excited for them. Pastor Green seems like an amazingly excellent person for Cedar Hill and what God will be doing there. He will be a great leader in reaching out to the community and bringing a vision back to the church! I know that some people wonder if I will be returning to Cedar Hill now that there is a pastor. I'd just like to point out that I'm not as flaky as that. God called me to Gateway. If he called me to stay at CedarHill I would've. I care about them too. I care about City Bible church in New Zealand as well. We're all the body of Christ so no worries. What difference does it make if I'm with the hand or the foot or the shoulder? It's all the body of Christ and I weep and laugh with all of them!



Went to the Fest on Sunday and had a lot of fun even though it was really hot! Loved seeing local bands more than the headliners. State Fair was amazing!! Check out their music: (http://www.myspace.com/statefairmusic) Always a little sad when I go to the Fest because it always reminds me of the pharisees...there's nothing we can do to earn Jesus' grace, and no amount of rituals we can perform...I just pray that God leads people who are seeking directly to him, not to people and things around him... I really appreciated Matthew West's testimony. We arrived just as he was giving it. I love his music too. Urban picnic with Gateway on East 4th was fun too, though I got there just in time for the outdoor movie ;)



Writing some new music that really reflects the heart of where I am at today with things. Removal from total devastation to total acceptance and my dependence on God in regards to not returning to New Zealand this year and this feeling of being 'stuck' with no direction.

Working on some art. I'm currently painting a 20x24 painting of the Trinity

Challenged and blessed too. I don't generally do specifically 'Christian art', but this piece really speaks to my soul!

Thinking about what the vision of my life is...Learning that Jesus is enough, no matter where I am at in life. That I should seek his presence instead of his presents. Not Jesus + New Zealand. Not Jesus + a job. Not Jesus + a blessing. Just Jesus. And he is enough. I need to live that out daily.



So there it is. Below is the progress of my painting. I only have God the Father and the Holy Spirit so far. Need to paint Jesus still. I still don't know what direction this picture will end up, but this is a sideways view of how I initially painted it.

Friends forever ...lost

I was reading another person's blog and they were talking about how they were struggling with the fact that the friends who they thought would last forever are no longer there and it got me thinking....

Friendships are a weird phenomenon. Seriously. I realize that we, as humans, were born to be relational. I always hoped that those relationships would last forever for the most part. But think about it, if we remained friends with everyone we've ever befriended in life, there would be heaps of people!! You can't really have close friendships with everyone. And as things change in life, so do friends.

It's weird but I think that many friendships are not meant to last forever. As we all move on to different things and experiences in life, new friends come and old ones go. There are a few deep friendships that may withstand the test of time, but very few. It's a sad fact that I've been realizing recently. Why must we make great friendships that will only last or a year? Or a few years? And when I think about the people I knew in high school...I don't talk to many of them really. Then there were friends in college, broken down by each semester and each experience and already, just 3 years after graduating, I don't talk to most of them except through facebook on occasion, but it's not really the same. Even with my closer friends from college whom I still see at least once a year, there has been a change in the depth of the relationships. We all used to be very close, but honestly, moving in different directions and doing different things in life have drawn many of us away from the close relationship that we once shared. And to top it really, I think about the people I know all over the world. South Korea, New Zealand, China, UK, Australia, Canada, Brazil, South Africa, Kenya, etc. You can't truly maintain those relations from so far a distance. Not for an extended period of time. There are people from New Zealand that are still fresh in my mind that after being away for just a year I've noticed a relationship change, or lack of contact. It's sucks. But it's life. And the people I know now...who knows where we all will be in a few years. Or even in a year.

It's tragic and hard. But I don't think it's altogether bad. I like meeting new people. If I stayed with the same friends all my life would I ever meet anyone new? And I like meeting people from situations in life that differ from mine. I like how each new person I meet challenges me in some way. Many people who become closer to me, shape how I am and who I am. They introduce me to new ways of thinking and new ways to do things. For example, some of my friends in New Zealand taught me that regular picnics at the park after church could be amazing. I never really went on picnics before. Some of them also taught me that you don't always have to be 'doing something' to have fun... i.e. just hanging around at someone's house randomly and unplanned, and just enjoying being in each other's company.

Know what's really comforting and cool though...

Jesus.

Jesus never goes. Jesus never fades away. Jesus is forever...

I will break into a thought...

I thought these Flyleaf lyrics sum up myself quite well right now.

"I will break into your thoughts with what's written on my heart...
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness.
I will break! Break!!
...
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You're heeding to it now.
Hear it! I'm screaming it! You tremble at the sound.

You sink into my clothes...This invasion makes me feel, worthless, hopeless, sick.
I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. I'm so sick!!!

_______________________________________

Why does life have to be so hard? It's constantly filled with so many obstacles to trusting God and yet I must or it is utterly hopeless. The daily struggle of sin. The constant fight in my head. It's quite overwhelming! Some days I don't have the energy and still other days I have all the strength in the world.

But I won't give up. Just die to self again and try to think more of God and less of myself. It's not really about me anyway.

What up?

It's been a long time since I've written again.



Last week was like my unofficial vacation, first randomly going to Pittsburgh, then my oldest bro being in town and then the holidays...It was amazing, but also tiring.



Now, I'm looking for jobs again...there's been no luck there and I see New Zealand drifting farther and farther away with each week that passes unfruitfully.



*sigh* I just can't really write about anything right now. Back to the job search...

Wrong side of the world?

So today I woke up on the wrong side of the world. Philosophically and literally. I wasn't mad or angry or anything. Just down. I kept trying to boost myself up on fun times with my mom and my sis and at the NEO360 worship tonight, and I felt good, but in my heart I feel totally down. Yes, I have no idea when or if I'll be going to New Zealand (hence the other side of the world), and I have no direction in my life, and I feel sad.

So pray for me.

Happy birthday, Mum!

Today is my mom's birthday. She is quite definitely the most amazing person I have ever known!! Okay. Okay. I admit, I am a bit biased, but she is truly a wonderful person!!

She has been such a wonderful encouragement in my life and it's through her that I was able to see Jesus. She's worked hard as a single mom (my parents separated then divorce when I was 10) and she has always been there for me. Even during my horrible, depressed, rebellious teen years. I was quite horrid but she was always praying for me and trying to help me. I'm so thankful for her. We never had much money growing up yet she worked faithfully. I remember her working 3 jobs at once and still making it to our school performances and sports. I'm sure she was tired a lot but she didn't really show it. And she took me to church even though I didn't want to go and now all of her children know Christ!!!!! She encouraged all of us in our desires for our professions and sent all of us to 4 different types of college and we all have degrees thanks to her! I could go on and on, but, yeah...

...and now my mom and I are so close! It was hard when I moved to New Zealand for a year and I know it will be hard when I move back and/or somewhere else. I love and appreciate her!!

I should go tell her ;)

Random post, I know, but I though the world should know how much I love her!!!

June?

It's June already? When did that happen?

Apparently 2 days ago. Hmm...

Still looking for a job. Oh the joy of it. Not really. Wrote some in my New Zealand Memoirs... Did some artwork.

Most especially, I spent time with God. I've been really working hard on that. So far so good.

Today' s synopsis:

New Zealand???I don't know
Future??? I don't know
God??? 100% Amazing!

Take my breath away!

I am most seriously wowed by God today. He actually took my breath away.

I was reading Romans 3. Have a look. And then have another look. It's quite amazing. The scope of God's solution to the sin problem that separated us from God since the Garden of Eden...his law brought down by Moses to show us how sinful we really are...and that the law could never save us...and Jesus' death and Resurrection that spread outwards, both forwards and backwards in time to save many...and faith saves...and in believing Jesus the law is actually fulfilled...and God's justice...and his love. It's still floating around my head.

I just see that God really loves us and knows what he's doing.

And I am humbled.

The Book That Shall Begin

I think I'll start writing the book today.

Tiana and I once came up with the idea to write a travel memoir of our experiences in New Zealand - in the Bill Bryson style. Two sisters travelling together and the experience of culture shock and perseverance... very short chapters that sum each experience up in a 'lesson learned' type of way. Not sure I will be as funny and witty as Bill Bryson, but that never stopped me trying ;) What else am I supposed to do with all this unemployed time on my hands, besides looking for work of course.

Here goes...

Uncertainty, A Mighty Foe

I really miss writing on here...

Maybe I wouldn't be so stressed if I wrote things down more. I haven't written in my personal journal in a while either. Just found it today, underneath piles of piano and guitar music. I haven't practiced the guitar in at least a month to my shame. Piano has been more consistent but more an outlet for lamenting rather than learning new stuff or writing much new music. Again I am shamed.

A lots been going on and I'm sad to say that it isn't all good. But that's so negative so lets begin with the good things.

The good things include various friends getting married. Sokun & Mark! Kindel & Russ! Tiffany & Richard! Yay! Trees with leaves on them and more flowers!! No more winter hehe. Yay! And getting Family Force 5 tickets for July. Yay! And learning about the group "flyleaf" and their heart for God which is refreshing for a mainstream and quite weird and amazing group! I'm ever broadening the scope of types of music that I like. Our computer had 1,526 viruses and they have so embedded into the system that they all can't be destroyed. SO, I guess it's a good thing to get a new computer. A negative turning to a positive right? Yay! But most important...God is always good. He can't be not good. It's his nature to be good so yeah.


The past 2 weeks or so I've been having really bad headache's. And this week, since taking some new medication for another issue, I've been having headaches and dizziness. The meds said it could cause this but golly! Haven't been to the gym in a week because I haven't felt well in the mornings!!! So, I'm not in the best of spirits right now.

I've also been really missing New Zealand. Why, because I'm supposed to have all of the money I need together for NZ by the end of June. That's a month away. And there's still no job. And I'm depleting the money I've saved up for NZ over the past 6 months.

So.
I don't think I'll be going anywhere in August... The second blow to my heart.

So now what? I don't have a plan for anything. The jobs I'm applying for aren't jobs that I am considering for a career. Secretary? Receptionist? Not so much. My art is ... let's say this, I'm believing Satan's lies that I suck as an artist. I know it's not true, but there it is. My motivation for my art is a constant struggle everyday! I've been trying a lot of new techniques and for some strange reason, I'm afraid to play around. I want every piece to come out perfectly. I can't afford to make mistakes, but the dumb thing's that it's through the mistakes that I learn most.

The truth is. I'm unsatisfied with life right now. It feels like I don't have a specific purpose for what I'm supposed to do right now. Oh, with God I always have a purpose in life. I don't mean that. But I'm not sure what I supposed to be doing right now. I've been talking to God about it and praying that with this uncertain time, that he will just give me peace. Peace down to my very soul because it's where I'm struggling...in my heart of hearts.

Tiana and I had a nice long talk and pray about this yesterday. We've been back in America for over a year now yet we're still having culture shock. We've formed new friendship relationships and did the things that we knew would be good to re-adjust to being here and tried to settle back into life...and some things have gotten better...but it's so different now. So strange that we connect so well with some people in New Zealand and even after being home for a year now, it seems that we don't have the same depth of friendships here. And I miss the beach. And my church in New Zealand that feels more like a home church than when I'm "home."

The church I go to now, Gateway, is amazing. I love the messages and the music and people there are real cool y'know and the vision of the church to love God, live in community and serve the city is right up my alley... but I've been there 6 months and still feel like a stranger sometimes. A lot of times. I am involved in a growth group and help with powerpoint in the services so I've been trying to be involved. Gateway reaches out to the young professionals that live in the city, like, downtown IN the city and...I'm just not that type of person. Blackberry carrying, mac having, money making, schedule oriented, downtown living, I don't know. I don't mean it to sound negative, I just couldn't think of another way to say it. Y'know. The way that America says we're successful... That's just not my world. I don't come from the same kinda background the others I guess.

I could go on forever about other things in my life too but I've reached that point of over rambling on and on so now I need to be done.

Who am I to be so picky about things and to be so dissatisfied with what's going on in my life right now? Hasn't God blessed me with so much?

So in my heart of hearts I'm asking you Lord to give me purpose. And give me peace.

Till next time - not that anyone really reads this blog much aye.

April showers bring May showers too?

This month has been kinda crazy. Maybe in a good way. Maybe in a bad way. Not sure.


Viruses!!
Today, exactly one week before I was supposed to go to New Zealand (with the disappointment almost unbearable), I sit here writing on my computer. On the old laptop, not the desktop. Why? Because our desktop computer is infected with at least 1 Trojan horse and who knows how many other viruses. The very day we decide to get an updated virus protection is the very day our computer decided to stop working. So, I've been working hard at isolating the problem and seeing if I can fix the computer. It's harder than I thought and I had to read so much about viruses and different types and different ways to get rid of them and other numerous problems. Right now I feel like I should be an expert on everything related to fixing a computer problem...except ours. But I won't go down without a fight!! I've been talking to some tech people and perhaps they will be able to help me. Otherwise, I best salvage on to a usb storage, whatever I absolutely need before trying to do something risky.


Sicknesses!
My grandma had a brain tumor that was found a few weeks ago. She had surgery last week and they seem like they removed it and they also still think it's not cancerous. That's good. She's recovering now and sounds more like herself. Praise God!

On the other side of things, my uncle, Norman, just found out that he has a mass the size of a grapefruit in his stomach and they're saying that it is cancerous. He has to have emergency surgery sometime very soon. Keep him in your prayers.


The Word!
Growth Group/Bible Study is going ok. Ruth was never one of my favorite stories and I was really trying to like it, but it still is just like, blah. Got into some huge discussions in group and realized that we have to to hold everything else up to the Bible, not the Bible up to everything else. The Bible is the authority. It is God's word. Commentaries are good and make us think a little deeper and think about the culture of what we read in the Bible, but they're not always correct, and a lot is speculation. AND, just because something was in the culture doesn't mean it was right. The Bible the light that I have to hold everything else up to. If it didn't hold on it's own, whether I understand everything completely or not, what would be the point? Hmm...


Job Searching!!
Slow. Dragging. Unfruitful. And with the computer down, it's hard to do too much searching, but I did send out another resume today so that's good.


New Zealand!
I'm missing Kiwiland hugely this week. And last week. New Zealand was so amazing and I can't wait to go back, but it seems that if I don't find a job relatively soon, I'll not be going on the already pushed back date of August 4. *Sigh* I don't know if I can handle that kinda heartbreak again. I say, if I'm not going back, take this weird attachment to NZ away. Seriously. But not my will, father, but yours...


Weddings!
One of my kiwi mates is getting married this saturday. It stinks that I can't be there, but I suppose I would have missed it either way. The next weekend is another wedding of a friend that will take place at our church...that meets in a comedy club. This will be amazing I'm sure. The week after that, a beloved Canadian friend is marrying and amazing kiwi friend and I won't be in Canada for that either. Stink! One week off and then the last weekend of May is another friend's wedding from highschool days...we used to sing together all the time, and I won't be going to her wedding... :( Tis life I suppose.


Artness!!
I am doing art!! Finally finished two pieces that I had been working on Since Feb. I'm starting to play around with different techniques and work with texture and acrylic. Exciting I know.


Books!!
I've read like a gazillion billion books this month. Jealous? You should be.


Music!!
Okay, since discovering that we get Air1, life has been especially good in the car. Driving and having good music playing, including Red, Falling Up, Mutemath, Group 1 Crew, Paramore, etc, with no commercials!! Happiness is not quite the word to describe it! Alternafish also has been way better than the normal stuff on that station, but I do hate the commercials. It's 10 steps up from the Fish though. They're trying. And they play rock and hip hop. Nice. In fact, I've heard so much good music in the last month that I haven't even listened to LifeFM, NZ's Christian music station. Though I do miss it, I'm glad that there is good music on the radio here now. It's nothing short of a miracle in these parts. And I can stay current on new artists and concerts!


Finishing!
Yeah, so anyway, there's probably more I could talk about, but this seems good so far. Cheers!

Come, break me down

This about says it.


"I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now
This is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now
THIS IS WHO I REALLY AM"

-30 seconds to mars

Turning over a new leaf

I've decided that I can't go on as I have been - caught in between two places. Present, past. America, New Zealand. It's been such a hard year being back "home." Fearful of the unknown, Heartbroken in every way, Confused as to what I am to do, Frustrated with God and his plans, Disappointed in my artistic apathy, Overwhelmed by seemingly constant rejection and failure, and Doubting pretty much everything in my life - all the while trying to maintain my mask of "everything's okay" and "It's no big deal". This kind of negativity and lie can't be good in anyone's life. It took my two biggest desires and plans being completely and utterly destroyed before I could come to the realization that only God satisfies. Only God can bring about the water I so desperately thirst for. I've only just realized this today. It's not in New Zealand. It's not in America. It's not in relationships. It's not in art. It's not in my job. It's not in my church. It's only in God.

And with that revelation, I know I can go on through this storm...

After the past few weeks of emotional crisis, things are finally beginning to stabilize. Talk about hitting rock bottom...I raced towards it and dived beneath it, buried myself in it, and thought I could save myself. But I couldn't. And God was so silent...

Why must things change so? Why must people change, and life change and everything become so completely unfamiliar? Was I asleep? Did I miss everyone elses lives moving forward while I remained in the past, or in my hopes for the future?
It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

And God was so silent...

But I've got to remember that God is good. He sees all and knows all. He is not evil. He's a great mystery that won't fit into my little box of understanding and predictability, and he does some pretty crazy and unheard of things, and I don't understand anything that he does, but I've got to remember that he is good.

He is GOOD.

What's Wrong You Say?

Confession
by RED

I feel fine
And I can smile
But I feel the anger coming
It's underneath
I don't know why
It's always overflowing
It's a constant fight
Deep inside
And I want to forget it

I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside me
I confess
I'm always afraid
Always ashamed
Of what's inside my head

And I can breathe
And I still feel
But not the way I want to
I'm on the edge
I don't know how
I can escape this nightmare

Oh, I'm wasting away
It's part of my instinct
I'll run away
From everything I hate
Take this away
Help me escape
Take this away
I confess

Innocence
Innocence
Innocence

hmm

Seems that NZ will be put on hold. *sigh* 3 weeks to decide. Anyone have a better job for me that actually pays money?

My life

Trusting God is so so hard!

So many unknowns. So many fears. And yet everything is out of my control. Only God can change things and that's all I can hold on to. Seriously.

But it's so hard!!!