Recently I've been accused of always writing sad, contemplative entries that give some people cause for concern as to what's going on in my life. Although I can't help the contemplativeness of some of my entries, I can address the "sadness" in them. They're not all sad. I mean, I met my favorite band, Red, a couple of months ago, and they're awesome men of Christ!!! Sometimes I just list the things I'm doing, like my involvement with my church, looking for a job, and hanging out with friends. Other times I post what art I'm working on. Y'know. It's just kinda life.
I will admit that the last couple of entries were kinda emo...but think of them more like psalms. David wrote what was on his heart and so I do the same.
I'll be honest. The past 16 months of my life have been some of the hardest I've experience in my life. Sometimes I have to write it down to let it go. Sometimes in this blog, sometimes in my personal journal. It's hard being out of a job for over 6 months. It's hard to still be living at home, especially after living on your own for awhile. It's hard when God changes your plans and asks for trust in what he's doing...and for you to surrender what you most desire to him. It's hard being torn between a new church and the former one. It's hard to be thousands upon thousands of miles away from some friends and L&P ;). It's hard to watch friends' lives change before your eyes with marriages and babies , etc, meanwhile the question is always asked "When is it gonna be your turn?" It's hard to fail at some things and fight the lie and fear that you will never succeed. It's hard to see people suffering with sickness and not being able to help. It's just hard.
But there are good things in my life too. I'm learning to trust God more. I'm learning to love more. I'm learning to stop being so inwardly focused all the time. I've been consistent in doing devos daily for the past 2 months, which is the longest ever in my Christian life. I am doing art and fighting with my inner demons. I'm enjoying the beautiful, bright and colorful leaves on the trees. Autumn is breathtaking - if not a little chill too. I'm enjoying going to concerts of my favorite bands and being uplifted by their music. I truly enjoy talking to distant friends on skype and getting to see how God is working in their lives. I like being available to help at a moments notice for whatever people need. I enjoy the amount of reading I'm doing and the music that I'm writing. I am loving spending time with my family because I don't know where God will bring me in my life, and I have a feeling it won't be here where I have family support ever so close. I love being available for my best friend as she moves towards her wedding day and marriage. There is so much that I love! There is so much that I am thankful for. There is so much that I don't even know how to express!
I just wanted to say that so you know. I'm in a hard time in my life, but there is still Life. The life that only God can give. And the hope that only God can give. Although I have my rough days and struggles, that is what I trust in.
Psalm 31:14-15 "But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Rescue me from those who hunt me down relentlessly."
