As this month comes to a close, I can't help but to reflect on how much God has grown me in such a short amount of time. I won't go into details on a public blog, but it's been really good and exasperatingly hard. Forgiveness, self-worth & standing up for myself, trust, patience & endurance, compassion, spiritual warfare, building authentic relationships...these have been some of the areas that God has been growing me in and making me more aware of. I'm excited to grow, even if it's painful but I wonder what he's preparing me for?
As I've been reading The Sacred Romance and The Journey of Desire, I've been opening my heart more to what God is doing in my life...and just as my desire for doing art again has exploded open, my desire for New Zealand is growing once again. I don't know why I have this deep connection to a place so incredibly far away, or even why in 2004 God challenged me to get over my fear of flying and brought me to that beautiful place for the first time but he has opened up this desire once again and I just wish I knew what to do with it. Dare I go back a fourth time? When? This year? Next year? What?
It's okay though. I don't need to have all of the answers. I just have to be open to what God's doing and let him lead me. Easier said than done, but I'll keep trying and he'll keep giving me those opportunities to grow. Of that, I can be sure. :)
Friday, June 25, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
A declaration
I refuse to enable people to continuously mistreat me. I am a daughter of God, of woman of integrity, and I will not stand for it any longer. I will not settle. I will not be used for what I can offer nor for what is temporarily convenient. I also will not let someone elses jealousy and belittling cause me to pull back and feel worthless any longer. God has given me these gifts and abilities for his purpose and too long have I hidden behind the fear of how others view me. I don't need any more false friends and I don't want to be false either. In my attempt to be authentic and real, and through this journey that God has been taking me on, I am learning how much of myself to openly share, not that I won't keep trying to build deeper friendships, but that I would heed the warning signs early on. I will not open the depths of my soul to just anyone without there first being a commitment of trust.
For men, this means I will not be emotionally close in sharing all about my life and struggles, hopes and dreams, etc and vice-versa without some sort of commitment and relational depth. Realistically, friendship can only go so far between us...otherwise it will end in someone getting hurt. I am not the type of female to lead anyone on and I will also not be exploited in such a way. I am not an appetizer to be sampled while waiting for the main course. I refuse to play those kind of games. Either risk the possibility of a rejection or move on. I wish more women would understand their worth and understand that they deserve respect. Hold christian guys to a higher standard...
For women this means not going too deep in conversations without trust being in place first, regardless of the amount of time that we have known each other. Building trust may take years and years or it may take months. Either way, this is not an overnight thing. I have risked my heart on many occasions in the hope of authentic community, and have been pleasantly surprised and horribly mistreated. This does not mean that I will not share my heart with people, quite the opposite. Authentic relationships are well worth the vulnerability and disappointment along the way. But if you prove untrustworthy, I'm afraid acquaintance is as far as it will ever go and that saddens me to no end. In an authentic relationship, both people benefit and sharpen and encourage each other and I wish everyone could experience that.
I gotta be about God and what he's doing in my life. In this process of him healing me from old and new hurts, I am growing closer to him. As Fireflight says in their song, "For Those Who Wait",
My faith is not a joke. My heart is not a toy. My gifts are not useless.
If this is intimidating to anyone, so be it. I choose God as my satisfyer. He is more than trustworthy. He is good.
And I am excited about what he is doing in my life.
For men, this means I will not be emotionally close in sharing all about my life and struggles, hopes and dreams, etc and vice-versa without some sort of commitment and relational depth. Realistically, friendship can only go so far between us...otherwise it will end in someone getting hurt. I am not the type of female to lead anyone on and I will also not be exploited in such a way. I am not an appetizer to be sampled while waiting for the main course. I refuse to play those kind of games. Either risk the possibility of a rejection or move on. I wish more women would understand their worth and understand that they deserve respect. Hold christian guys to a higher standard...
For women this means not going too deep in conversations without trust being in place first, regardless of the amount of time that we have known each other. Building trust may take years and years or it may take months. Either way, this is not an overnight thing. I have risked my heart on many occasions in the hope of authentic community, and have been pleasantly surprised and horribly mistreated. This does not mean that I will not share my heart with people, quite the opposite. Authentic relationships are well worth the vulnerability and disappointment along the way. But if you prove untrustworthy, I'm afraid acquaintance is as far as it will ever go and that saddens me to no end. In an authentic relationship, both people benefit and sharpen and encourage each other and I wish everyone could experience that.
I gotta be about God and what he's doing in my life. In this process of him healing me from old and new hurts, I am growing closer to him. As Fireflight says in their song, "For Those Who Wait",
"The pressure makes us stronger. The struggle makes us hunger. The hard lessons make the difference and the difference is what makes it worth it."
My faith is not a joke. My heart is not a toy. My gifts are not useless.
If this is intimidating to anyone, so be it. I choose God as my satisfyer. He is more than trustworthy. He is good.
And I am excited about what he is doing in my life.
Friday, June 04, 2010
Fortress
Fortress by The Ember Days
Oh Your hand holds,
Your heart knows
What no one can.
Oh You see, You see me
When no one can
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Sometimes I cannot see
You’re holding me
And my deepest needs
Your eyes see because You love me.
Nothing escapes You
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
You safely hold me.
Fears are leaving.
You gently love me.
Fears are leaving.
I know…..
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
These lyrics are going up on my wall because it's something I need to remember...
Oh Your hand holds,
Your heart knows
What no one can.
Oh You see, You see me
When no one can
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Sometimes I cannot see
You’re holding me
And my deepest needs
Your eyes see because You love me.
Nothing escapes You
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
You safely hold me.
Fears are leaving.
You gently love me.
Fears are leaving.
I know…..
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
Love is in Your arms sweet Jesus
These lyrics are going up on my wall because it's something I need to remember...
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Cellphones, Canada and Stress Induced Insomnia.
My mind has been all over the place. Sometimes I just sit here and wonder what in the world I am supposed to be doing? Cultivating new friendships? Job searching? Volunteering? Household chores? Reading a book? Praying? Art? What?
If you know, please tell me. I'm losing sleep over it.
On a side note, I ordered a new cell phone yesterday. It was time. Not a blackberry or droid or iphone or any of that nonsense. Just a normal messaging phone with a few perks. I'm usually hugely into all the new technology stuff, but at some point my brain has to kick in and really think about why I want something that can do everything that my computer can...I already have a computer. I already have a mp3 player, etc etc. And of course since these phones can do so many amazing things, you get the fantastic opportunity of paying extra monthly fees for media packages, unlimited texting, extra storage for videos and music, accessories etc, etc. I mean, are people really excited that they can watch a T.V. show on a tiny screen or a youtube video that takes ages to load on the new "faster" 3g network? Go home to your big flat screen HD tv or computer and watch it! I don't even want to ask some people how much their monthly phone bill is lol. And on top of all this, since you basically have a mini computer and the internet at your fingertips (not to be confused with your ipad and other mini computer that you bought), when you're hanging out with friends and family, instead of talking to them and having fun you can isolate yourself and play with your new gadget and not even be in tuned to the world around you. Who cares if it's extremely rude, as long as you are entertained? Congratulations.
Anywho, I'm planning a roadtrip to Canada soon so anyone with a passport is welcome to join me. If I don't leave the country soon, even for a weekend, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind!
How's that for randomness?
If you know, please tell me. I'm losing sleep over it.
On a side note, I ordered a new cell phone yesterday. It was time. Not a blackberry or droid or iphone or any of that nonsense. Just a normal messaging phone with a few perks. I'm usually hugely into all the new technology stuff, but at some point my brain has to kick in and really think about why I want something that can do everything that my computer can...I already have a computer. I already have a mp3 player, etc etc. And of course since these phones can do so many amazing things, you get the fantastic opportunity of paying extra monthly fees for media packages, unlimited texting, extra storage for videos and music, accessories etc, etc. I mean, are people really excited that they can watch a T.V. show on a tiny screen or a youtube video that takes ages to load on the new "faster" 3g network? Go home to your big flat screen HD tv or computer and watch it! I don't even want to ask some people how much their monthly phone bill is lol. And on top of all this, since you basically have a mini computer and the internet at your fingertips (not to be confused with your ipad and other mini computer that you bought), when you're hanging out with friends and family, instead of talking to them and having fun you can isolate yourself and play with your new gadget and not even be in tuned to the world around you. Who cares if it's extremely rude, as long as you are entertained? Congratulations.
Anywho, I'm planning a roadtrip to Canada soon so anyone with a passport is welcome to join me. If I don't leave the country soon, even for a weekend, I feel like I'm going to lose my mind!
How's that for randomness?
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