the feeling of betrayal

So I' feel like I've lost a friend today. I've learned that things that I hoped to put into motion aren't much fun when they're actually moving.

So I retreat to my music.

"Dreaming. I [must be] dreaming.
Where all the things I run from
Are sure enough to find me"

I've also been struggling with the fact that my young adult pastor is leaving. I keep waiting for God to say "just kidding". Now that I'm finally home, people are leaving all over again. People in whom I was looking forward to working with and knowing better, and trusting more. Why do they need to leave now? Just when I need them. Why does Craig and Renee and my little babies whom I babysit often...why must they go? Heartache, lonliness, abandonment, these are words that don't even describe...In my selfishness and need, I feel like those I most trust are leaving me.

What's the point of creating genuine relationships with people if they're just going to leave in the end, or if I'm just going to leave. I've met many amazing Koreans while I was in New Zealand and it was very difficult to say bye, after just 3 short weeks. There are friends still at college, and others who have graduated. I want to keep in contact with everyone, but realistically, relationships are going to fade away. My heart still aches at the thought of it. When I move to New Zealand for a year, I know I will meet many wonderful people, and it will be hard to leave again.

So here I am, very near tears, and mourning the relationships that I have lost and will lose all to soon.

I've never been very good at goodbyes.

Goodbyes...ha!
More like, badbyes.

Last week in a nutshell

Worked, worked, and worked at Barnes & Noble, out to dinner with Bibles International director, was approached by a college bill gates wannabe customer who hoped to impress me by his quest for becoming a millionaire-twice-slightly worried about his stalking capabilities, was sick with a sudden cold, was joked (i hope it was a joke) by a flirty co-worker that we should make-out in the back as though there were ever a chance in the world of me becoming that type of girl, ears burned at work from language use, tall chai latte here and there from the cafe, mistakes and more mistakes at the cashwrap, watched a ton of movie previews and listened to too much music at the Music/DVD dpt. where I have worked too often, bored to death, wrote a song, read two books, Cece's Pizza with father's 2nd wife, Kinkos canvas printing discovery and lead, eyes popped at seeing way too much sexual content in the bookstore, got up early, woke up late, begged God to help me, went on Oasis class (Sunday School) retreat at camp carl which spoke on genuine relationships with people, saw a fellow Malone grad (derek), missing college life @ Malone, walked along Nelson's ledges and picnicked, went to church, almost cried to college pastor about issues at work, sister begins new relationship with Shwan, bad dreams about school mates and work, and awoke this morning with the hope of a better week.

Hmm.

Singleness is bliss!

Why does everyone spend all of their singleness worrying about finding a mate? And then when they're married they wish they could have more independence like when they were single?
And the drama that boils like a storm cloud! It's pointless. God will bring who He sees fit. For now and singleness? Enjoy!