the feeling of betrayal

So I' feel like I've lost a friend today. I've learned that things that I hoped to put into motion aren't much fun when they're actually moving.

So I retreat to my music.

"Dreaming. I [must be] dreaming.
Where all the things I run from
Are sure enough to find me"

I've also been struggling with the fact that my young adult pastor is leaving. I keep waiting for God to say "just kidding". Now that I'm finally home, people are leaving all over again. People in whom I was looking forward to working with and knowing better, and trusting more. Why do they need to leave now? Just when I need them. Why does Craig and Renee and my little babies whom I babysit often...why must they go? Heartache, lonliness, abandonment, these are words that don't even describe...In my selfishness and need, I feel like those I most trust are leaving me.

What's the point of creating genuine relationships with people if they're just going to leave in the end, or if I'm just going to leave. I've met many amazing Koreans while I was in New Zealand and it was very difficult to say bye, after just 3 short weeks. There are friends still at college, and others who have graduated. I want to keep in contact with everyone, but realistically, relationships are going to fade away. My heart still aches at the thought of it. When I move to New Zealand for a year, I know I will meet many wonderful people, and it will be hard to leave again.

So here I am, very near tears, and mourning the relationships that I have lost and will lose all to soon.

I've never been very good at goodbyes.

Goodbyes...ha!
More like, badbyes.