Upon Gazing into an art magazine, I had a revelation:

I know how it is, when you're just doing art and feeling in the flow of creativity. All of a sudden, nothing else matters. The sky darkens and you're floating in your own paradise of colors.

It's like a certain hunger, burning to let the creativity out. Art, Music, Writing; it's all so important. Time seems to stand still, and there you are, creator and canvas, ink and pen, held in an embrace, dancing, and sharing many intense emotional moments. The music flows throughout and all is well, for you have become one, molded together. And as you pause and gaze into your creation, you can't help but to feel the energy flow through your veins -- for your work has bloomed into a beautiful masterpiece.

The problem with humanity...

...Is dissatisfaction and greed. God provides for us and we want more.

What's the deal with that anyway?

I'll tell you. Our sinful hearts want things to go our way.

Case and point-

I prayed for a job at Barnes & Nobles months ago.
I come across another job that seems pretty nifty (i don't ever use that word).
All of a sudden that job looks real good.
God provides a job for me at Barnes & Noble
I'm happy to be around books and people who love books, and to have a job. I start working. I am overwhelmed at the amount of info that I have to digest. I am slightly, okay maybe more so, upset that it doesn't come with benefits until after a year of working. I start to wonder if God knew what He was doing. I think about how the other job came with a pay starting out at a higher price than B&N, has great benefits, doesn't start until later which means more sleep, doesn't work weekends or holiday, has paid holidays, has a calm-pace atmosphere, is on a more desirable bus route, closer to home, etc etc.

So what happened? I don't know. I like working at B&N. Just thinking about how I would be working part time (20hrs. per week) just to save up for New Zealand, with a possibility of making over 6,000 in 8 months, and working almost full time at the other job and making over 11,000 on the min that they can pay...

Well, I'm a bit worried. And mad. God's making me trust HiM every step of the way and everything in me is having an issue with this.

But why?

Trust.

Like I said before. Easier said than done.

Pray for me.

23 years ago

23 years ago from today was one of the best days in the history of human life. Really.


Maybe not so much, but I like it.


Happy Birthday to me, right?


What's special about 23?
My sister just informed me that I am at the rare age in which the two numbers that represent my age are in numerical order. 2-3. This only happens once in a decade of our lives. (1-2 for 12, 2-3 for 23, 3-4 for 34, etc)
I'm honored. See.

23 doesn't feel any different.

Don't you ever feel like you should wake up on your birthday and instantly feel different. It's been a whole year since the last one, why not?

In my opinion, birthdays shouldn't be selfish holidays, just good days to spend with family, and/or relax and reflect on the year past (much more than New Years when it's a fad to do so), and to praise God for another year to serve Him.

And when we finally learn to trust God...

I have a job @ Barnes & Noble.

On the verge...

I often wonder why things go so much easier for other people. Obviously this statement isn't true, but some days it does seem like it.

In Sunday School this fall, we are discussing finances and stewardship. This is an area that I terribly struggle with.

Yesterday, we were discussing contentment. I'd like to think that I am content in all things, but it's just not true. I grew up without a lot and so having a bunch of stuff doesn't bother me as much as it may for others, but there are those times when I want things so badly that it makes me sick and uncontent. For example, a laptop. I have been researching computers and laptops for years now, Macs and PCs, and although we have a computer at home, I want a laptop for myself. I want to save up so that I can have a it for when I go to New Zealand. There are also certain movies and DVD's that I want to own so I can take them to NZ. The problem is that I don't have a job as of yet, and I also have not consulted God on these purchases. I haven't bought anything yet, but my mind is fixated on these things. Nevermind that I have student loans coming up soon and how I have credit card debt that I want to pay off before I go to NZ.

This leads to frustration.

I've been very frustrated about not having a job. My friends from all over all have jobs now and seem to have gotten them pretty quick. It is a bit discouraging for me because I often wonder if I'm dong something wrong. I feel like I'm not shooting very high for a job, just a simple full time retail or receptionist job so that I will have a steady income and benifets. Babysitting isn't doing that much for me.
But God has been teaching me that I have a Pride issue. I get angry at these places for not hiring me because I feel like a college degree should be like GOLD to them. Most of them don't require degrees. More often than not, I am told that I am overqualified.

God has also been showing me how I am not content. I have so many wants. I feel like I need to be making money now so that I can save for NZ. I have pressure on all sides, from family and friends who are amazed that I haven't found a job yet. You can just imagine the thoughts that are going through their heads about me not searching hard enough, etc.

But in Sunday School last week, Craig (our teacher) made a good point in saying that if we can't be trusted with little, why then should God give us more? How have I been using the little money that I am making in babysitting? I just realized last week that I haven't been tithing because I was waiting until I got a steady job, and God wants us to tithe from whatever we have. And then I got to thinking that even if I didn't have any income, I could tithe by giving up some of my time to help at church with a ministry or whatever.

This week, Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.
Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.

Easier said than done.

Oh! The glories of job hunting

Let me just be blunt:

I hate job hunting.

There's nothing enjoyable about it. You sit at the computer all day, or in stores, or whatever, filling out applications and assessment tests. Tests!! Just for a job at a clothing store, ore bookstore, or movie store in which the people currently working there have obviously failed.

When/if you finally get an interview, they ask you more questions and make you feel as if you really have a chance, yet in the back of their mind the know you aren't going to be called back, but they say they will call you anyway--and don't. Hey, sometimes you do get a second interview and everything seems great. And then you're told that the job is between you and another person. What are you supposed to do with that? Get your hopes up after a long traveling time from home, spending money, whether it be gas or bus money, go through an interview that lasts less time then it takes to go through a McDonalds drive thru, and then come back another day, repeat it all to still get rejected?

Hmm.

When you do get a job, you find that it's not all it's cracked up to be and they pay you less than what was agreed upon or the benefits package is horrible or whatever quirks they leave out when offering you the job.

Oh joy! I can't wait!

This adult world thing stinks.

Life is vast, yet so finite.

Upon reading a blog entry of someone in whom I don't know, but have significant connections with, I got to thinking...

There are so many things in this world to do, places to go, people to see, etc.

And yet, I can't do everything, go everywhere or see all of the people. Nor do I want to I suppose, but I want to know how everyone else's' life is going. I don't mean to get all up in their business, but, under all the pretenses and fakeness, under every mask and under the skin, into every thought and fear, into the very heart of our beings; Are we all thinking the same thing?

How much time do I have left?

And then there's the:
Do I want to impact this world in some special way? Do I want to fade into the background? After this life's over, then what?

As a Christian I suppose I have part of an answer to one of the questions, but it is both scary and intriguing to think about.

Deep down in the hearts of every star and every slave, every rich man and every poor beggar, from the highest to the lowliest and everything in between, we must have this common question and a common need for someone/thing to worship.

How much time do I have left?

What am I doing? Am I making a difference in the lives of people around me? I have come in contact with thousands and thousands of people in my life. Have I made a good impact on any of their lives? Do many of those thousand even remember who I am or some good thing that has rubbed off on them if they don't remember me specifically?

And then I think of how amazing God is. I suppose that I shouldn't want anything of myself to rub off on anyone. I'm rotten through and through. But God, I want Him to shine so brightly through me in all that I do, not for my own glory, but for His.

And then I got to thinking some more.

God has been around a lot longer than I have. He has always been here. For every single being ever to exist, He has been there for them, us.

And that's a very big and vast thought.

So what am I doing to glorify Him?