On the verge...

I often wonder why things go so much easier for other people. Obviously this statement isn't true, but some days it does seem like it.

In Sunday School this fall, we are discussing finances and stewardship. This is an area that I terribly struggle with.

Yesterday, we were discussing contentment. I'd like to think that I am content in all things, but it's just not true. I grew up without a lot and so having a bunch of stuff doesn't bother me as much as it may for others, but there are those times when I want things so badly that it makes me sick and uncontent. For example, a laptop. I have been researching computers and laptops for years now, Macs and PCs, and although we have a computer at home, I want a laptop for myself. I want to save up so that I can have a it for when I go to New Zealand. There are also certain movies and DVD's that I want to own so I can take them to NZ. The problem is that I don't have a job as of yet, and I also have not consulted God on these purchases. I haven't bought anything yet, but my mind is fixated on these things. Nevermind that I have student loans coming up soon and how I have credit card debt that I want to pay off before I go to NZ.

This leads to frustration.

I've been very frustrated about not having a job. My friends from all over all have jobs now and seem to have gotten them pretty quick. It is a bit discouraging for me because I often wonder if I'm dong something wrong. I feel like I'm not shooting very high for a job, just a simple full time retail or receptionist job so that I will have a steady income and benifets. Babysitting isn't doing that much for me.
But God has been teaching me that I have a Pride issue. I get angry at these places for not hiring me because I feel like a college degree should be like GOLD to them. Most of them don't require degrees. More often than not, I am told that I am overqualified.

God has also been showing me how I am not content. I have so many wants. I feel like I need to be making money now so that I can save for NZ. I have pressure on all sides, from family and friends who are amazed that I haven't found a job yet. You can just imagine the thoughts that are going through their heads about me not searching hard enough, etc.

But in Sunday School last week, Craig (our teacher) made a good point in saying that if we can't be trusted with little, why then should God give us more? How have I been using the little money that I am making in babysitting? I just realized last week that I haven't been tithing because I was waiting until I got a steady job, and God wants us to tithe from whatever we have. And then I got to thinking that even if I didn't have any income, I could tithe by giving up some of my time to help at church with a ministry or whatever.

This week, Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.
Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.

Easier said than done.