Random Thoughts

and they really are random...



1. What's wrong with Christians today? I'm by no way perfect in my walk with Christ. I am very aware of this. Even so, that does not mean we should not care what we say and do to others, forsaking the parts of the Bible that force us to acknowledge our need to change and become more Christlike. Sexual teasing, foul--and I do mean FOUL language, angry banter and friction between "denominations" (denominations...aren't we all part of the body of Christ?), desire to put others down, bitterness and unlove towards each other...

*sigh* This world is really hard.



2. I want to go to new Zealand, like yesterday. I wish I was already there. I don't know why. A change of scenery? I do realize that no one will have any idea where I'm from. I got that a lot before. A lot of people said Canada. Hmm. I think I'll make up a place. Canadia.

3. My brother wants me to visit him and Erica in Florida after the baby is born. Finances aren't looking good for that and it would have to be during that two-week time before the big more to NZ, but I'm trying. There was talk of taking the greyhound bus. Flying looks surprisingly cheaper.

4. I demanded (in a nice way, of course) more hours ar Barnes and Noble since I have unfairly been under hours during the Holiday season. Like it's MY fault that they hired too many holiday seasonals.

5. I'm slightly fed up with the world. That'll happen from time to time. I'll get over it.

6. Besides the fact that I still can't hear out of my right ear, I'm doing surprisingly well after the long sickness. What kind of "cold" was that?

7.This is how God blesses, even in the seemingly insignificant things... I got my top three movies that I wanted to buy before I went to New Zealand, but who has money? Apparently someone did because I got them all for Christmas. Curious? 1-Lady in the Water, 2- Whisper of the Heart, 3- Howl's moving Castle. Two Hayao Miyazaki movies and one M. Night. That's pretty much amazing! I don't have to buy anything.

8. Next year in NZ, I get to celebrate Boxing day. That'll be interesting.

9. My plant that I got from Bible Study with Linda Leon last spring...It's still alive!! Who'd a thought...?

10. I watched Lost Season 2 DVD (finally!) in 3 days. Being sick has it's perks. They're really going no where with the show, but I still like it. I couldn't imagine watching it every week on t.v. and trying to remember everything and with commercials. DVD shows is the way to go.

11. The Pursuit of Happyness (yes, it's misspelled on purpose....watch the movie) was AMAZING!!! Go watch. Now! I can't wait to see Eragon tomorrow. If they make it as good as the book, it will be worth buying somewhere in the distant future. If not, I will have some words.

12. Spiderman 3, venom...are you serious? To jump that far ahead may have fatal mistakes like X-men with Phoenix. At least with this movie, I'm not a diehard fan. I'm still mad about the ruination of x-men.

13. I'm done

For now...

Chaos

There is a lot going on in my life right now. Not necessarily bad, but challenging. Things don't work out the way I want them to. People become increasingly difficult to deal with. Sometimes I sit in my room and just think...

About what? I don't know.

Things.

How life is sometimes chaotic. How people in general treat each other. Reactions, Emotions, Art, & Music. Christ. Accomplishments. Failures. Apathy. Christ. Discussions. America. New Zealand. Christ. Church. Work. Life.

And Christ.

My God. My Creator. My Love.

My Savior. Jesus Christ.



In the midst of the chaos, He is always clear.

I feel like high school just jumped up on me.

I sipped the cup of "forgotten drama"...









...and it left a foul taste in my mouth.

Whew!

I like how I just read three amazing posts from friends and decided that I miss art. It's not that I don't do any. It's more that I just don't have the time and therefore my artistic endeavors have been more of the mental conjuring type than the paint-on-canvas, photoshop, or pencil-to-paper kind. My heart is heavy with this realization of backburning my art. Is life so busy that I can't place a pen to a piece of paper? And since art is one way I worship my Creator...

Mentally, Spiritually, and often Physically I feel spent. Some days I wonder why I bother getting out of bed. It's not depression. It's a realization that life is changing so fast. I can't seem to keep up with it and therefore I would rather spend my days in bed, either in quiet slumber full of dreams of the fantastical kind, or curled up with a good book and a chai latte that's never empty, so that I can drown my thoughts into a different world, one that doesn't seem so "adult life-ish". One that pauses everything so that things can stay just the way they are right now.

God help me...



...and I'm okay.

Did you vote for issue 0.5 of the Gabriel Two?

Issue 0.5 of the M.E. reforendum of the Gabriel Two
A proposed tax levy of .001mill on all tobacco products beginning immediately to help fund the exploration of Middle Earth, herein known as New Zealand. Such tax will be in effect until the acquisition of a specifc number* of business class Air New Zealand boarding passes.This levy is not to exceed past the date in which the aforementioned boarding passes are purchased. The proposed levy will result in the creation of more jobs** for Ohioans in the Greater Cleveland area as well as uphold the unalienable right of the "pursuit of happiness," as outlined in the Bill of Rights, for select Ohioans.***


* In the value of 8.0
** A total of three
***Between the numbers of two and eight Ohioans
____________________________________
I was thinking of sending in this proposal for the March elections. Just in time for NZ, huh? Hehe. Do you think it would work? It was worth a try.
Anyway. Tally-ho!

the feeling of betrayal

So I' feel like I've lost a friend today. I've learned that things that I hoped to put into motion aren't much fun when they're actually moving.

So I retreat to my music.

"Dreaming. I [must be] dreaming.
Where all the things I run from
Are sure enough to find me"

I've also been struggling with the fact that my young adult pastor is leaving. I keep waiting for God to say "just kidding". Now that I'm finally home, people are leaving all over again. People in whom I was looking forward to working with and knowing better, and trusting more. Why do they need to leave now? Just when I need them. Why does Craig and Renee and my little babies whom I babysit often...why must they go? Heartache, lonliness, abandonment, these are words that don't even describe...In my selfishness and need, I feel like those I most trust are leaving me.

What's the point of creating genuine relationships with people if they're just going to leave in the end, or if I'm just going to leave. I've met many amazing Koreans while I was in New Zealand and it was very difficult to say bye, after just 3 short weeks. There are friends still at college, and others who have graduated. I want to keep in contact with everyone, but realistically, relationships are going to fade away. My heart still aches at the thought of it. When I move to New Zealand for a year, I know I will meet many wonderful people, and it will be hard to leave again.

So here I am, very near tears, and mourning the relationships that I have lost and will lose all to soon.

I've never been very good at goodbyes.

Goodbyes...ha!
More like, badbyes.

Last week in a nutshell

Worked, worked, and worked at Barnes & Noble, out to dinner with Bibles International director, was approached by a college bill gates wannabe customer who hoped to impress me by his quest for becoming a millionaire-twice-slightly worried about his stalking capabilities, was sick with a sudden cold, was joked (i hope it was a joke) by a flirty co-worker that we should make-out in the back as though there were ever a chance in the world of me becoming that type of girl, ears burned at work from language use, tall chai latte here and there from the cafe, mistakes and more mistakes at the cashwrap, watched a ton of movie previews and listened to too much music at the Music/DVD dpt. where I have worked too often, bored to death, wrote a song, read two books, Cece's Pizza with father's 2nd wife, Kinkos canvas printing discovery and lead, eyes popped at seeing way too much sexual content in the bookstore, got up early, woke up late, begged God to help me, went on Oasis class (Sunday School) retreat at camp carl which spoke on genuine relationships with people, saw a fellow Malone grad (derek), missing college life @ Malone, walked along Nelson's ledges and picnicked, went to church, almost cried to college pastor about issues at work, sister begins new relationship with Shwan, bad dreams about school mates and work, and awoke this morning with the hope of a better week.

Hmm.

Singleness is bliss!

Why does everyone spend all of their singleness worrying about finding a mate? And then when they're married they wish they could have more independence like when they were single?
And the drama that boils like a storm cloud! It's pointless. God will bring who He sees fit. For now and singleness? Enjoy!

Upon Gazing into an art magazine, I had a revelation:

I know how it is, when you're just doing art and feeling in the flow of creativity. All of a sudden, nothing else matters. The sky darkens and you're floating in your own paradise of colors.

It's like a certain hunger, burning to let the creativity out. Art, Music, Writing; it's all so important. Time seems to stand still, and there you are, creator and canvas, ink and pen, held in an embrace, dancing, and sharing many intense emotional moments. The music flows throughout and all is well, for you have become one, molded together. And as you pause and gaze into your creation, you can't help but to feel the energy flow through your veins -- for your work has bloomed into a beautiful masterpiece.

The problem with humanity...

...Is dissatisfaction and greed. God provides for us and we want more.

What's the deal with that anyway?

I'll tell you. Our sinful hearts want things to go our way.

Case and point-

I prayed for a job at Barnes & Nobles months ago.
I come across another job that seems pretty nifty (i don't ever use that word).
All of a sudden that job looks real good.
God provides a job for me at Barnes & Noble
I'm happy to be around books and people who love books, and to have a job. I start working. I am overwhelmed at the amount of info that I have to digest. I am slightly, okay maybe more so, upset that it doesn't come with benefits until after a year of working. I start to wonder if God knew what He was doing. I think about how the other job came with a pay starting out at a higher price than B&N, has great benefits, doesn't start until later which means more sleep, doesn't work weekends or holiday, has paid holidays, has a calm-pace atmosphere, is on a more desirable bus route, closer to home, etc etc.

So what happened? I don't know. I like working at B&N. Just thinking about how I would be working part time (20hrs. per week) just to save up for New Zealand, with a possibility of making over 6,000 in 8 months, and working almost full time at the other job and making over 11,000 on the min that they can pay...

Well, I'm a bit worried. And mad. God's making me trust HiM every step of the way and everything in me is having an issue with this.

But why?

Trust.

Like I said before. Easier said than done.

Pray for me.

23 years ago

23 years ago from today was one of the best days in the history of human life. Really.


Maybe not so much, but I like it.


Happy Birthday to me, right?


What's special about 23?
My sister just informed me that I am at the rare age in which the two numbers that represent my age are in numerical order. 2-3. This only happens once in a decade of our lives. (1-2 for 12, 2-3 for 23, 3-4 for 34, etc)
I'm honored. See.

23 doesn't feel any different.

Don't you ever feel like you should wake up on your birthday and instantly feel different. It's been a whole year since the last one, why not?

In my opinion, birthdays shouldn't be selfish holidays, just good days to spend with family, and/or relax and reflect on the year past (much more than New Years when it's a fad to do so), and to praise God for another year to serve Him.

And when we finally learn to trust God...

I have a job @ Barnes & Noble.

On the verge...

I often wonder why things go so much easier for other people. Obviously this statement isn't true, but some days it does seem like it.

In Sunday School this fall, we are discussing finances and stewardship. This is an area that I terribly struggle with.

Yesterday, we were discussing contentment. I'd like to think that I am content in all things, but it's just not true. I grew up without a lot and so having a bunch of stuff doesn't bother me as much as it may for others, but there are those times when I want things so badly that it makes me sick and uncontent. For example, a laptop. I have been researching computers and laptops for years now, Macs and PCs, and although we have a computer at home, I want a laptop for myself. I want to save up so that I can have a it for when I go to New Zealand. There are also certain movies and DVD's that I want to own so I can take them to NZ. The problem is that I don't have a job as of yet, and I also have not consulted God on these purchases. I haven't bought anything yet, but my mind is fixated on these things. Nevermind that I have student loans coming up soon and how I have credit card debt that I want to pay off before I go to NZ.

This leads to frustration.

I've been very frustrated about not having a job. My friends from all over all have jobs now and seem to have gotten them pretty quick. It is a bit discouraging for me because I often wonder if I'm dong something wrong. I feel like I'm not shooting very high for a job, just a simple full time retail or receptionist job so that I will have a steady income and benifets. Babysitting isn't doing that much for me.
But God has been teaching me that I have a Pride issue. I get angry at these places for not hiring me because I feel like a college degree should be like GOLD to them. Most of them don't require degrees. More often than not, I am told that I am overqualified.

God has also been showing me how I am not content. I have so many wants. I feel like I need to be making money now so that I can save for NZ. I have pressure on all sides, from family and friends who are amazed that I haven't found a job yet. You can just imagine the thoughts that are going through their heads about me not searching hard enough, etc.

But in Sunday School last week, Craig (our teacher) made a good point in saying that if we can't be trusted with little, why then should God give us more? How have I been using the little money that I am making in babysitting? I just realized last week that I haven't been tithing because I was waiting until I got a steady job, and God wants us to tithe from whatever we have. And then I got to thinking that even if I didn't have any income, I could tithe by giving up some of my time to help at church with a ministry or whatever.

This week, Craig said,

"The reality of the Christian life is that you have to go through it. You can know about contentment, study it, hear it, recite it, and take a test on it, but to actually be content, we must go through the trails and trust God. The world looks for contentment in things, accomplishments, titles: are you married?, do you have a degree?, a nice car?, a cushy job?, etc.
Who cares!! The real question is do you know Christ? Do you trust Him in all areas of your life, even when things are difficult? What gives us true joy is Christ, not stuff. The apostle Paul learned the way of contentment and trusted God to meet his needs (Philippians 4:10-13)."

I feel like I'm on the verge of something, but I don't know what. Growth? Maturity? It's like there's a final step that I have to take and I don't know what it is. But I'm glad that I'm learning a lot through this trial. God has made it very clear that He wants me to go back to New Zealand. He will provide the funds, even if I don't find a job until January. He's got it covered and I must trust Him and not despair, even when I feel sad and discouraged.

Easier said than done.

Oh! The glories of job hunting

Let me just be blunt:

I hate job hunting.

There's nothing enjoyable about it. You sit at the computer all day, or in stores, or whatever, filling out applications and assessment tests. Tests!! Just for a job at a clothing store, ore bookstore, or movie store in which the people currently working there have obviously failed.

When/if you finally get an interview, they ask you more questions and make you feel as if you really have a chance, yet in the back of their mind the know you aren't going to be called back, but they say they will call you anyway--and don't. Hey, sometimes you do get a second interview and everything seems great. And then you're told that the job is between you and another person. What are you supposed to do with that? Get your hopes up after a long traveling time from home, spending money, whether it be gas or bus money, go through an interview that lasts less time then it takes to go through a McDonalds drive thru, and then come back another day, repeat it all to still get rejected?

Hmm.

When you do get a job, you find that it's not all it's cracked up to be and they pay you less than what was agreed upon or the benefits package is horrible or whatever quirks they leave out when offering you the job.

Oh joy! I can't wait!

This adult world thing stinks.

Life is vast, yet so finite.

Upon reading a blog entry of someone in whom I don't know, but have significant connections with, I got to thinking...

There are so many things in this world to do, places to go, people to see, etc.

And yet, I can't do everything, go everywhere or see all of the people. Nor do I want to I suppose, but I want to know how everyone else's' life is going. I don't mean to get all up in their business, but, under all the pretenses and fakeness, under every mask and under the skin, into every thought and fear, into the very heart of our beings; Are we all thinking the same thing?

How much time do I have left?

And then there's the:
Do I want to impact this world in some special way? Do I want to fade into the background? After this life's over, then what?

As a Christian I suppose I have part of an answer to one of the questions, but it is both scary and intriguing to think about.

Deep down in the hearts of every star and every slave, every rich man and every poor beggar, from the highest to the lowliest and everything in between, we must have this common question and a common need for someone/thing to worship.

How much time do I have left?

What am I doing? Am I making a difference in the lives of people around me? I have come in contact with thousands and thousands of people in my life. Have I made a good impact on any of their lives? Do many of those thousand even remember who I am or some good thing that has rubbed off on them if they don't remember me specifically?

And then I think of how amazing God is. I suppose that I shouldn't want anything of myself to rub off on anyone. I'm rotten through and through. But God, I want Him to shine so brightly through me in all that I do, not for my own glory, but for His.

And then I got to thinking some more.

God has been around a lot longer than I have. He has always been here. For every single being ever to exist, He has been there for them, us.

And that's a very big and vast thought.

So what am I doing to glorify Him?

Pluto called and said your home is no longer a planet!!

So what's this hoopla about Pluto? It got demoted to dwarf planet status? All of this because they have never had infoships reach Pluto and due to some other things, it is not classified as a planet anymore. Hmm. You ever wonder how small they say Pluto is. What if it's just a whole lot farther away from the sun so it looks small? I thinks it's funny how scientist don't know much about our universe and try to make up things that seem to fit but they are constantly changing their minds. I like astronomy but I can't take to much of it as truth because honestly, people just don't know.

So now the question with Pluto is do we change our memory methods of the planets or just leave out Pluto.

"My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine__"

Just a thought.

Fantasy

I have thrown down, yet another book of epic fantasy. This is the third time!! Three books filled with filth. It's shameful!

I need to become a writer and a illustrator, then perhaps I can bring hope to a very difficult and fine line world of fantasy. The heroes of these books are becoming more and more impure and less heroic.

It's times like this that I need to pick up books like the Lord of the Rings and try to remember that there is such a thing as good fantasy. Y'know, the kind of fantasy that leaves you feeling awed at the courage and purity of heart that the main characters possess, as well as an amazing story as a whole. I wish that there were more books like this. I will continue my art, just like this piece, and write my stories and see where God leads me. Perhaps I will make a difference in the world of fantasy.

The Unknown

Okay, so I changed the background again. I wanted a softer look. Green just wasn't doing it for me.

Recently I have been thinking a lot about life. I've graduated from college and I'm still trying to figure out where I need to be in the world. Next year is covered. I'll be in New Zealand. But after that...?

This is a hard stage of life. It makes me lean on the Lord more when I'm faced with the Unknown.

Do I go back to school for animation? I'm not one of those people who want to be in school all of my life.

Do I attempt to intern for M. Night Shyamalan, because that would be amazing. However, it was just a thought, not a reality. I just want to see how he makes those incredible films.

Do I do missions stuff? I have never seen myself as a Missionary persay as a profession. In life yes, but hmm...

Do I consider working at a college? CCO seems pretty cool.

Do I work from home doing illustrations and paintings?

Do I move to another city or country and begin life there?

So many questions and no immediate answers. This world of the Unknown is pretty scary.

I know that wherever I'll be, I'll always be doing art. It's a big part of me.

Thus ends my ramblings for the day.

Is it me or was that last post an incredibly boring one?

Hmm.

I'm still posting on xanga so posts here may not be as often as they should.

From the Desk of Cara

I decided to change the background a bit. The bright green just wasn't doing it for me. I usually have a dark background with lighter letters, but I decided to keep this template the same. I usually use purples and blues but I'm trying the green out to see how it suits me.

In other news, I am liking this blogspot very much.

That's all for now. I'm lookin' at you , kid!

Hidden in a Whisper

So.
I'm here.

What meant to be a test run has come out in the form of another blog. I am not unfamiliar with blogs, as I have a xanga, myspace music, and such weblogs. However, upon discussion, my sister and I came to the conclusion that we need a blog for when we move to New Zealand for a year in May 2007.

Me, being the ever curious and excited webpage builder, decided to start a little early. There is much news to tell currently about New Zealand info and I am also excited about just starting fresh.

To start this blog out right, I will discuss my unofficial reason for titling my blog as Hidden in a Whisper.

When I first titled it, I thought it sounded cool. But upon much thinking, about 25 seconds total, I decided that it fit with New Zealand. New Zealand is this beautiful country that seems itself to be Hidden in a Whisper. Not many people know of it's beauty or even it's location. And though there may be whispers of it's name here and there, not many know what it is. More popular mention of it may have come since Peter Jackson filmed Lord of the Rings there, and from Disney's Narnia being filmed there.

With that said, I have succeeded in both introducing my new blog (in the broadest sense of the word) as well as conjuring up this semi-lengthy looking post to awe the masses.

I'm sorry to say that for now, a more explicit description of New Zealand will have to come at a later post.

I will leave you with a picture.



I took this while I was in New Zealand for a Service- Learning Trip with Malone College last summer. This is how I feel with the future, the unknown, but I know God's got me.